This is the question that haunted me when I first quit drinking. In fact, I posted with this same title back on day 13. (To read that post click here).
And the truth is that I didn't lose any friends, in that no-one called me up to say Good God, you are SO BORING that I never want to see you again. (I really had expected that to happen).
What has happened, though, is that there are some friends who contact me a lot less. Needless to say, generally the ones who can't contemplate the idea of a night out without getting totally hammered, and don't want a sober person there pouring rain on their parade.
I'm not angry about this. I get it. I would have done the same, back in the day. I would have justified this to myself as being 'because they're no fun any more', when actually I was just worried that it would shine a light on my own out of control drinking.
This slight negative is, however, totally drowned out by the positive, which is that I have made lots of new friends.
I hadn't made many new friends for years. It felt like too much effort. I was also somewhat aware that my old muckers would be more forgiving of any wayward antics than brand new, shiny friends.
But now I have a much wider social circle, including several women who hardly ever (or never) drink, the ones I would have written off in the past as being 'not my type.'
Then yesterday the lovely people at Go Sober for October sent me these fascinating statistics from a survey by Macmillan Cancer Support.
7 MILLION BRITS DITCH THEIR FRIENDS FOR DRINKING TOO MUCH
Apparently, 13% of adults (6.7 million people) have stopped going for a drink with at least one friend because they believe they drink too much.
And a Go Sober survey found that one quarter of UK adults avoid drinking with certain friends because of the way they behave after a tipple. 54% say their friend gets too aggressive, and 47% say they get too loud.
This is all driving a trend towards 'soberlising' - socialising without the booze - which is particularly popular amongst the young.
So, don't fret about losing your friends when you STOP drinking, worry about losing them if you CARRY ON!
And if you need some fabulous help and encouragement, then join my friends over at Go Sober for October.
(You'll also be raising money for Macmillan Cancer Support who were a huge help to me through the whole breast cancer thingy).
In other news, are any of you called Nigel? Apparently NOT ONE baby was named Nigel last year in the UK. This makes me sad, as my first ever snog was a Nigel. On a school trip, aged eleven. Just saying.
Love to you all,
SM (Clare)
Luckily, most of our friends don't drink or drink sparingly. We had two friends who drink heartily; one we still see, the other has cut us off. They don't respond to messages etc., and we haven't seen him for a long time. I made my choice and he made his. Coincidentally, his name was not Nigel !
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Rob
In the beginning I noticed one friend who always drank faster than everyone else, she would then top up the barely touched glasses then her own while asking a question about the kids, work, etc. I was shocked that I never noticed this before and then wondered if I did that too (probably). She is a dear friend but with a couple of drinks would dominate conversations with nonsense (I probably did that too). We started meeting up for coffee rather than drinks or dinner then last time we met neither of us drank, she spoke of needing to get up early the next day and me saying it brings on the hot flushes like nobody's business.
ReplyDeleteI have been friends with this woman for over 10 years yet neither one of us really wanted to have a real conversation about what's going on with our drinking or not drinking. So thank you Clare for talking about it and giving others a safe place to talk too. Can't wait for the book to be downloaded on my kindle!
Probably the song "Making plans for Nigel", who had his future in a British Steel, did for the name.
ReplyDeleteThis had made me laugh a lot!!!!!! The Nigel first snog bit, not the friends bit!!!! So funny!!!
ReplyDeleteYes I did definitely worry about losing friends and yes whilst I haven't lost any I have heard a lot less from a handful. I would say I've had more nights out with friends I wouldn't normally go out with because they live slightly further away, and now I can drive so that's been lovely. I do certainly feel like a better friend, I listen, remember things, pick up on things now whereas before I was just in my little own wine world!! One thing is for sure, I know who my true friends are, the ones who have been my cheerleaders in my sober journey, offered that support and a pat on the back. My circle is now smaller but a lot lot lot stronger!! Thanks sm for another fab post :-) xxxxx
Great post SM ... As ever setting a voice to a very real fear we have in the early days ... Now starting my 2nd sober year I can add my encouragement that rather than loose friends, I have gained them ... As Ang75 above says, that lovely small group who stay thigh thick and thin ... But also new ones as I now don't turn down invites or miss events by staying at home with the wine witch ... I drive out and join in with confidence ( no more early morning ... OMG what did I say moments) Plus of course the friendship and support though 'here' ... Good night good friends
ReplyDeleteGood night to you lovely Jacs x
DeleteI've been lucky and have only had to let go of a couple of my drinking pals so far! 18 months on the AF trail and it gets easier to socialize in general. Except that is when it's not.... The dinner party table can be an exceptionally lonely place when the talk is only about the " fabulous " wines and champagnes etc., that's the problem !! And I often find myself joining in the conversation too ! What's that all about??? In my former life I was a qualified sommelier and it's hard to keep quiet when you know so much about the subject even if you'd rather talk about something else. It's those lunches/dinners which get me down. I actually came home from a ladies lunch in tears the other day as all they spoke about was which wines/champagne to choose for their daughter's up coming wedding. It was extremely hard going. I don't want to be the "elephant in the room" when it comes to others discussing alcohol but talk about twisting the bloody knife or should I say cork screw...!
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean Lizziewiz I don't go to many formal do's but had my first sober one 2 weeks ago, I'm 10 months sober. And it was painful, I couldn't wait to leave!!!! Just the general pompous chit chat about nothing with people I don't know, and who not I'm bothered about!!! The old me would have talked crap the whole night, told them loads about myself and be Facebook friends by the end of the night ( with deep regret in the morning!!) but then recently I had a night out with a few good friends and we laughed til we cried and I didn't want to come home, they were all drinking moderately, and it was a laugh, a good time, therapy for the soul!!!!! They are the nights I love now with true friends, and best bit is we get to remember it all!!! :-) xxxxxx
DeleteI do think that socialising is thing it takes longest to get to grips with when you quit. But it DOES get easier, and parties start being great fun again. I agree with you, though Ang, that nights out in small groups are better than big, rowdy drinks parties...
DeleteI don't have friends to begin with
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