Will I Lose all my Friends?

This is the question that haunted me when I first quit drinking. In fact, I posted with this same title back on day 13. (To read that post click here).

And the truth is that I didn't lose any friends, in that no-one called me up to say Good God, you are SO BORING that I never want to see you again. (I really had expected that to happen).

What has happened, though, is that there are some friends who contact me a lot less. Needless to say, generally the ones who can't contemplate the idea of a night out without getting totally hammered, and don't want a sober person there pouring rain on their parade.

I'm not angry about this. I get it. I would have done the same, back in the day. I would have justified this to myself as being 'because they're no fun any more', when actually I was just worried that it would shine a light on my own out of control drinking.

This slight negative is, however, totally drowned out by the positive, which is that I have made lots of new friends. 

I hadn't made many new friends for years. It felt like too much effort. I was also somewhat aware that my old muckers would be more forgiving of any wayward antics than brand new, shiny friends.

But now I have a much wider social circle, including several women who hardly ever (or never) drink, the ones I would have written off in the past as being 'not my type.'

Then yesterday the lovely people at Go Sober for October sent me these fascinating statistics from a survey by Macmillan Cancer Support.

7 MILLION BRITS DITCH THEIR FRIENDS FOR DRINKING TOO MUCH

Apparently, 13% of adults (6.7 million people) have stopped going for a drink with at least one friend because they believe they drink too much.

And a Go Sober survey found that one quarter of UK adults avoid drinking with certain friends because of the way they behave after a tipple. 54% say their friend gets too aggressive, and 47% say they get too loud.

This is all driving a trend towards 'soberlising' - socialising without the booze - which is particularly popular amongst the young.

So, don't fret about losing your friends when you STOP drinking, worry about losing them if you CARRY ON!

And if you need some fabulous help and encouragement, then join my friends over at Go Sober for October.

(You'll also be raising money for Macmillan Cancer Support who were a huge help to me through the whole breast cancer thingy).

In other news, are any of you called Nigel? Apparently NOT ONE baby was named Nigel last year in the UK. This makes me sad, as my first ever snog was a Nigel. On a school trip, aged eleven. Just saying.

Love to you all,

SM (Clare)

Going Backwards

It's four weeks since I found The Lump, two weeks since The Lump was cut out and sent off to Imperial College to be part of a student research programme (I kid you not), and another 3 days in limbo before I see the oncologist to discuss "What next?"

In that time I've had the strangest sense of going backwards, of deja vue.

The cancer journey is so spookily similar to the getting-sober-journey that it's hard to believe the timing is co-incidental. It feels like the last eight months have been a warm up to the Big Event.

And the diagnosis hit me at the exact time that I was strong enough to take it. Any earlier than eight months and I'd have been staring at the bottom of several empty bottles of sauvignon blanc before you could say 'malignant tumour.'

Like going sober, dealing with The Big C is a leap into the unknown. It's about learning to live, at least for a while, in a world of uncertainty and fear.

I wrote early on about the roller coaster of emotions when you first quit drinking (see The Sobercoaster), taking you from the pink cloud to The Wall and back again. And the last few weeks have been like that again - just more so.

I lurch from feeling thrilled at just being alive to weeping uncontrollably with the dog in parks (so the children can't see).

(See my post from the early sober days on Weeping)

The tools you use to deal with all this are the same too. You take one day at a time. Baby steps. Try not to look ahead until you know you can deal with it.

Like the early sober days, I find that I have to be kind to myself (see The Importance of Self Care). Sleep in the afternoon for a while if I have to. Have hot baths. Eat cake.

And finding a tribe is crucial. People like you who've trod the path before you and can let you know what's ahead.

I found my sober tribe online because I was too ashamed to look for a real world one.

Funnily enough, confessing to cancer is way easier than confessing to an alcohol addiction, so I'm discovering a few local ladies - Mums like me - who've been through breast cancer and out the other side and can tell me what lies ahead.

I'm also using The Haven. It's a charity funded retreat in Fulham for women with breast cancer. I'm meeting a Macmillan nurse there this morning.

Bizarrely, in my previous life I was responsible for the Macmillan Cancer Support brand strategy, and all their advertising.

It's hard not to imagine the Authors of Destiny sitting on some celestial cloud chortling and patting each other on the back at their clever use of irony.

Am I losing my mind?

Love SM x

Go Sober October

If you're doing Go Sober October and are looking for support, then go to: Go Sober October - Day 1.

Last year I contemplated signing up for Macmillan Cancer Support's Go Sober October.

I talked myself out of it, can't remember how. Perhaps I decided there were too many drinking events I couldn't possibly miss, or not drink at. Perhaps I argued to myself that dull January was a better month to go dry.

Most probably, I deliberately 'forgot'. Oh how we drinkers love procrastination!

Anyhow, I must have got as far as inputting my e-mail address, because they just mailed me, suggesting I sign up this year......and I did!

You might think this a little odd, given that by then I'll have been sober for SEVEN (yay, count 'em!) months, but I feel like being a member of a big club for once, and boy am I going to be good at it!

It'll be a bit like joining a scout troop with an arm already full of badges! Think of all the opportunities to feel unbearably smug. I am SO going to enjoy this.

These events seem to be more and more popular. As well as our Sober October, the Aussies have Dry July. Plus, there're all the millions world wide who make a New Year's Resolution to quit for January.

Obviously, I'm all for people stepping away from the demon booze, and I've given up for January twice in the past. However, I'm not sure that it really helps....

For a start, if you see this as an ordeal for a month that you have to 'get through' with the shiny prize of booze at the end, then you never really get your head in the right place. It's purgatory. It puts you off ever trying to go for longer because it seems so hard.

Secondly, a month really isn't long enough to see the real benefits of sober. In my experience it takes about 100 days for the major benefits to kick in - the feeling of peace, transformation, clarity and (sounds trivial in comparison, but it's a great bonus) weight loss.

So if you only quit for a month, and you just see it as a temporary thing, you put yourself through all the hardship but few of the real gains.

The other thing that's struck me, from the e-mails the GoSober people keep sending me, is the language they use.

Bear in mind that the vast majority of people taking on this challenge see themselves as 'normal drinkers.'

(You know what I mean by 'normal drinker.' Those unbearably irritating smuggy pants people who put their hands over their empty wine glass and say "no more for me thank you! I've had one glass already." Damn their evil eyes.)

So, these 'normal people', the ones that sneer at us self confessed addicts, get e-mails saying (I kid you not) 31 days is a challenge mere mortals cannot comprehend. It takes a very special SoberHero to be able to do it.....31 days is daunting for even the bravest and most experienced SoberHeroes... Etcetera, etcetera.

Isn't the fact that this sort of language seems entirely appropriate evidence that many, if not most, 'normal drinkers' are totally addicted? The question is only 'how badly?' and how many more 'sober challenges' will they have to do before they decide to join us?

And one final note: one of the e-mails I received reminded me what the purpose of SoberOctober really is. It said: help Macmillan Cancer Support be there for more people as they face one of the toughest fights.

How humbling is that? Quitting the booze is one of the hardest things I've ever done. But, let's face it, it's not like beating cancer. That's the biggie.

But, by quitting the drink, that's one battle you're much less likely to have to fight.

Love SM