Thursday, 16 April 2015

The sobercoaster

Day 46, and, as is obvious from my two posts yesterday, I'm on a real emotional rollercoaster at the moment.

I've heard people talk about the 'honeymoon period' of sobriety, so I looked it up. There are, it seems, several stages of 'recovery'. The 'honeymoon period' is characterised by feelings of confidence and optimism about your life and a sense of well-being and being in control. Oh yeah, baby, that was me!

Sadly, the phase which follows 'honeymoon' is called 'the wall', and generally runs from around day 46-120. Day 46!!! That's exactly where I am! How irritatingly predictable I seem to be.

'The wall' phase is all about boredom, depression and questioning. Oh God - that doesn't sound much fun!

I remember Mrs D, In Mrs D is Going Without, talking about the end of the 'pink cloud' phase being followed by a period of doing lots of weeping.

As 'enthusiastic drinkers' we are used to blurring all our emotions, and now we have to get used to facing up to them, all raw and clear and sharp edged.

I feel very much like I did in the first few weeks after #1 was born. Initially I freaked out - they expect me to be responsible for this baby with no experience? With no user manual? Are they crazy? What if I kill her? Very much like my initial panic about stopping drinking.

Then you go through those blissful, cloud like first 3 weeks where you're all loved up and cossetted. Everyone's there to help. The baby's asleep all the time. You're inundated with flowers and presents and happy hormones. You think 'I am earth mother. I am a natural. This is a walk in the park.'

That's been my last few weeks. Pink cloud. Honeymoony loveliness (relatively speaking).

Then the lack of sleep kicks in. Husband goes back to work, the visits dry up, the baby gets colic and you feel overwhelmed, exhausted and lonely. You ask your husband to buy a cabbage as the leaves are supposed to help with mastitis and he comes home with a cauliflower! (That actually happened to me). Divorce beckons.

That stage is The Wall. That's where I am now.

How high is it? How wide is it? What's on the other side?

Huge thanks for your comments on my last post - they really helped, and I love you all.

SM x

14 comments:

  1. Hi SM, sorry you are having a tough day. I think your blog is wonderful and you really have helped a lot of people so you should be proud of yourself. I am so glad I logged onto soberitas that day 3 weeks ago and saw your personal story...please don;t worry about rebbit.. I read their guidelines just there, it says do not link blogs, so don;t take it personal. Thru your blog I have found a few others i really like and one in particular also recently publised a book, i downloaded it on Kindle and read in two sittings yesterday. I never get to read a book but i was engrossed!! Don;t want to promote a book here unless you say its ok but its an easy read and it just might help you in this slump. Let me know, take care Kats xx

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    1. Hi Kats! Thanks so much. Please do tell us name of book - I am totally keen on sharing any blogs/books/articles that will help people - unlike bloody Reddit! (But I'm over that now ;-)) Love SM x

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    2. sober is the new black, you may have read it already. For me it summarised very well the insanity of being miserable drinking and being miserable not drinking...in some ways we're sort of all the same. Seriously I have read a good few books on alcohol....my all time favoutite and first one was Drinking: A Love Story. Caroline Napp. it changed my life. xxx

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    3. I have read it Kats! I loved it too. I'll try your 'love story' recommendation. Thank you!

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    4. it is completely different than anything else i have read re this subject. she is an amazing writer... gets into your soul. i think you will find it addictive, a better addiction for now : ) talk soon. xx

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  2. Drinking, a love story, was a game changer for me too.

    On the other side is freedom. Stay the path.

    Just take it day by day. And be kind to yourself. It really helps.

    Anne

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  3. Freedom. I'm trying to imagine it. Thanks as ever, Anne. And to you Kats. I've ordered the book x

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  4. I am really enjoying your blog. I am 5 days behind you, so all of this is relevant to me. Thank you!

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  5. Thanks Tallaxo, and welcome! Please stay in touch - we can do it together! How are you finding the rollercoaster? X

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    1. Hi SM. Rollercoaster is a very apt term. Some days I feel very positive and proud of my achievement and other days I feel lost, like I am pining for an old friend. I have a surplus of energy, so I am trying to keep busy.
      I am taking many positives and reinforcing my thoughts with these. Such as improved eating, better skin and complexion, better memory and cognitive functioning. but I am struggling to REALLY enjoy anything. It is as if my ability to really feel joy has been 'dulled'. I am hoping that this is just transitory and will pass. I intend to stay in touch, as your blog really helps to inspire me and see beyond. Thank you. and Yes! We can do this together. x

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  6. Dear SM,
    When I am low, or up and down, I know I must take even better care of myself.
    (Easier said than done, however!)
    A Love Story is really good!
    If you have urges, go back to the basics. Don't drink just for today.
    I never knew how fast the days add up!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. You are so right, Wendy! I read your comment and booked a pedicure. I feel way better! (If horribly shallow!)
      Thanks SM x

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  7. Hi Sm, sorry you're having a down day. Unfortunately there will be low days, you just have to ride them out. Drinking, A Love Story was the first sober memoir that I read. It was brilliant. Another book I found really helpful was The Sober Revolution by Sarah Turner and Lucy Rocca. Another good one was Why you drink and how to stop: Journey to Freedo, by Veronica Valli. I'm actually going to read them again. Hope you feel better soon. A x

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    1. Feeling better today, Angie, thanks to some 'self care' ;-) Drinking Love Story dispatched from Amazon already - yay! Have a fab (sober) weekend. Big hugs SM x

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