Saturday, 4 April 2015

Not the girl he married

Thirteen years ago my husband married a party girl. A bon viveur.

Until recently our lives revolved around entertaining friends over boozy Sunday lunches, getting happily plastered at parties and cooking elaborate dinners accompanied by expensive wine. 'Date nights' generally involved meals out at the latest restaurant with aperitifs, wine and digestifs. Followed by a nightcap.

And now he's married to a teetotaller. I signed up to this - he didn't. He wanted me to cut down (drastically). He didn't ask (or want) me to stop completely.

The difference is especially stark now we're on holiday. I haven't asked him not to drink. I'm happy to have alcohol in the house. After all, it's unrealistic to avoid alcohol given that 90% of the adult population drink the stuff. But he very kindly doesn't leave open bottles of wine around - at home he's switched to beer, and I join him with a non alcoholic beer.

When we eat out he orders a small carafe of wine (having checked that I don't mind first). But I can't help worrying that he's missing the company. That he's missing the girl he married.

In my low moments BS (before sober), usually at around 3am, I'd have visions of the husband leaving the puffy, boozy, raddled wife and running off with a younger, slimmer, more vibrant version.

Now in my low moments I have the same vision, but in this one they are happily sharing a bottle of wine in a romantic bistro. Aaarrrggghhh! Stab the filthy hussy drinking in moderation in the eyes! Leave my husband alone, damn you.

There's a lot of help and discussion for families of problem drinkers, but not much help - as far as I know - for husbands of non-drinkers.

The problem is that I can't even discuss my fears with him as he's too kind to ever confess to any pangs of regret, so whatever he says I won't believe him.

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, for drunker and more sober.....

Love to you all,

SM xx

Related post: Not the Girl he Married Part 2


  1. Hi SoberMummy, I have the same concerns. I've been with Hubby a long time and we've always been best drinking buddies. He's always said how much he's enjoyed my company when we drink. I feel certain he misses that because at the moment I definitely don't feel up for so much banter. He's kind though, he wont discourage me from being sober.
    Last night we went out with friends. Newly married in their fifties, he likes a drink, she doesn't. They were full of loving gazes and lots of giggles and both so accepting of each other. We loved seeing them both so happy. Me and Hubby have been together for over twenty years, we can't go back to being newly-weds that would be unrealistic, but we had living proof before us last night that a loving, fun relationship doesn't have to be based on a shared love of booze.
    I must admit that I struggled not drinking last night and struggled with feeling so serious but I feel I was given a little ray of hope. Good luck to you and your hubby SM, and wish us luck too x

  2. Sounds like the wine witch has got a hold of you SM. Only the wine witch can play on issues like that. My husband never drank before he met me, we often joke that I "corrupted" him. He has that wonderful quality that I apparently came without which is the ability to moderately drink. One cider, one drink, that's enough for him. What's that like??? I was married before, to Satan (ha, that's my own inside joke) but no matter what the wine witch tells me, I was married to the wrong person previously and I know what that felt like. It was miserable. No matter what self-esteem strings the wine witch pulls in me, I know that my current marriage is a good healthy relationship and I'm not going to let her ruin it for me. I will tell people that my husband is the only lottery I ever won and I hit the jackpot. I am having such a hard time trying to go more than 3 - 4 days without the wine witch's company. It's a day to day thing. But don't let the wine witch whisper such evil things in your ear about thinking your husband wants the party girl. He just wants you or he wouldn't be there. Good luck!

  3. Hey sm you have an amazing zest for life that's why he married you not as a drinking buddy ( he could have just popped into any old wine bar for that !) I'm sure he looks at you now and sees a fresher you with sparkly eyes still the same heart and soul just not the wine witch to accompany you keep remembering that and hey well done you've faced her straight on this week and stayed sober that's a huge achievement !! For me I was really tested over the past couple of days we visited my husbands relatives who all LOVE wine !! I was really panicking about what I would say to sipping appletiser and not knocking back the wine (with gusto ) with them I decided to not mention it just order my soft drinks - I thought at lunch today I had really done well in not getting asked any questions as to why I wasn't drinking until I came back from the ladies and had my mother in law and her sister smiling at me and saying they realised that I had a glow about me and they ( very wrongly) had assumed I am pregnant !!! I wouldn't mind but at 47 and very peri menopausal nothing could be further from the truth x it was a very awkward moment anyway back home now and sipping my new poison of hot chocolate and feeling very proud to have not succumbed to joining them in knocking back the odd bottle of Malbec !!! Enjoy the rest of your holiday x

    1. Kags - you are so funny! Your pregnancy story made my day! You're doing brilliantly. Love you x

  4. First off, I agree with what Flossie, Emily and Kags have said. You are a wonder all your own, and don't let the wine witch make you doubt that. Second, and to me most importantly, thank you for posting this moment of difficulty you're having without neatly tying it up in a bow, the problem overcome. That's the hard part about changing something about yourself, your identity; it takes a long time, minute by minute, day by day. Most blogs or books are about someone living the solved life, as if from above the drudgery of change.To witness or read of someone in the middle of working through the emotions brought about by change lets me see how it can be done, what its really like, so in my own moments of change I don't feel so alone. Life is a team sport, lots of sports and it's important to be able to see your team mates when the game you're playing has so many twists, turns, blocks, tricks and triumphs. I really appreciated this post, it pushes away the loneliness of trying to stop drinking, and thanks for the responses from the ladies mentioned above, I learned form you too.

    All the best for you today, and Happy Easter!

    1. Hi Lindsay! Thanks so much for posting, and for being so kind. I am really glad it helped you. I find other people's stories really useful, especially as I can't (won't) talk to any of my friends. I've made some great on-line friends instead! How are you doing? Please stay in touch. SM x

  5. Dear SM,
    I had to laugh, as I am not the girl he married either!
    My dear hubby was hoping I could moderate, but I couldn't.
    We used to share laughs and wine, too.
    He chose to stop drinking when I did, only because he wanted to support me. He was a normal drinker.
    He says he doesn't miss it, but sometimes I think he does. Or maybe that's me projecting!

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