This weekend (day 41/42) was very much a game of two halves.
On the plus side, on Saturday I finally experienced what I'd read about in other sober blogs and memoirs: a real flash of elation.
We were in Holland Park with #1, #2, #3 and the dog. The children were playing hide and seek in the adventure playground. Husband was reading the weekend FT in the sunshine. The dog and I went for a wander - looking at the hugely diverse groups of people you find in Central London relaxing and frolicking in the warm spring sunshine.
Then, out of no-where, I felt a bolt of pure joie de vivre and love like I haven't felt since the legendary Judge Jules played at The Cross back in 1995. "This is it!" I thought, "this is what I've been promised!" Then it went. I'm sure it'll be back, though.
On the minus side (and the two things are definitely related), by Sunday evening the massive cravings were back with a vengeance.
I think that in the early stages of sobriety you are constantly on high alert. Because you are thinking about not drinking all the time, you always have your armour up. It's like the picture of a Roman battalion in #2's Roman Project (God, that was a nightmare. Enough to drive any mother to drink) book. The soldiers march forward slowly in 'tortoise' position - with shields positioned to protect their sides, front and back, and even over their heads like a shell.
As time goes on, you manage to forget about not drinking for whole minutes - or even hours - at a time. It's such a relief to have some lovely clear headspace. But, as a result, you let your shields down. Your Roman soldiers head off to the hot baths, the mess tent and the brothel. You are left exposed.
Where are my armies? Up your sleevies! (You can tell I spend too much time with children ;-))
So then, when a craving hits you it's feels like you're sitting on the toilet minding your own business, when the door flies open and you're confronted by an angry dwarf pointing a crossbow straight at your chest.
(Aarrghh! Sorry! Sorry! It's the Game of Thrones obsession coming about again! Did I mention that season 5 breaks in the UK tonight??)
My craving last night didn't just last ten minutes, the way they're supposed to. I spent hours feeling angsty and tetchy.
Thankfully I'd been reading up on visualisation (see yesterday's post I am Khaleesi), and I let loose all 3 dragons at the wine witch who, finally, slunk off into a corner.
Today I'm thinking of new reader Red, who unleashed Khaleesi yesterday too, and hopefully made it through to day 2 unscathed.
Stick with it, friends. We can do it.
Love SM x
Related Post: Fed up Friday: Angst and Wobbles
We can definitely do this - and I'm sure the balance must tip at some point so that incessant wine-voice and thinking about alcohol and the "not drinking" is replaced with other things, including lots more moments of the pure joy feeling.You've just made me laugh by the way- I'm regularly accosted by dwarves whilst on the loo. (That's if you consider 2 year old twins and a 3 year old to be dwarves). I am very impressed with your day 43 today, you are inspiring me. I will be very proud if I make day 15 this time, as that's the furthest I've got since my two pregnancies. Onwards and upwards into a fresh, AF week, and thankyou for thinking of me xx
ReplyDeleteMe too. I haven't closed the loo door for eleven years, as if I do it just gets hammered on! SM x
DeleteI thought this was worth mentioning as it's helped me through many a killer craving. I get a lovely glass, toss in ice cubes and fresh lime juice and top it up with diet tonic water.
ReplyDeleteIt tricks my brain into thinking there might be something other that tonic water in there and by the time I've had one or two the craving is over. I think I may now be addicted to diet tonic water but things could be worse right ;-)
Thanks Vivienne! I do fresh lime and soda on ice too. Plus Virgin Mary's (there's a great ready spiced tomato juice brand called Big Tom). Big hugs SM xx
DeleteAnother nice long cold drink with the lime and soda water is a little brown sugar mixed with the juice of half a lime topped with ice cold soda water and some freshly torn mint leaves delicious and helps a little with the sugar cravings !! Well done sm another sober weekend !! Enjoy your week x
ReplyDeleteI think we need a post on mocktails! I'll post yours! Kags's Virgin Mojhito? Well done you too. We rock! SM x
DeleteI named my mocktail in my dream last night. Ginger beer and lots of lime served it a stemmed glass. CelticBastard or a FitzGinger. I’m a ScotsIrish American. Ginger for my Red hair and lime for the English invaders .... my apologies to my Anglo friends. It’s basically a dark & stormy without the dark rum. Goslings makes a diet ginger beer that is awesome. It’s expensive but worth it. Working on others and serving them in elegant glasses. That is something I miss when I’ve quit before.. the feeling of stemware in my hand.
DeleteI LOVE Khaleesi! She rocks!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad I don't have those kind of urges anymore.
I hate them.
You really are doing great!
xo
Wendy
We are definitely kindred spirits Wendy!
DeleteI guess there will be cravings from time to time, especially in the earlier days. The trick (obviously!) is not to give in to them. In my past attempts, I found that I'm ok for the first few weeks. It's a bit down the track one will hit me and I think that since I've done so well, I deserve to have a drink. Warped logic I know! This time I'm going to be stronger and I'm hoping my online friends can help. You are doing brilliantly SM, keep it up. A x PS: I hope you get to shut the loo door soon!
ReplyDeleteMe too, me too! I'm hoping that this blog will keep me on the straight and narrow, as I'm more worried about letting other people down than myself! You are doing great, too Angie! Love SM x
DeleteHi there. I just wanted in say a big thankyou for this blog. My problem isn't alcohol but sugar. I will happily have one or two glasses of wine or bubbly ju the weekend and not want anymore or even think about it. But once I have that first taste of chocolate I just can stop. Yesterday I had two bars of chocolate and still tucked into the easter eggs after dinner. I am tired lack energy and can't lose weight. I am addicted. Your blog though is helping me and making me think. Thank you so much.....
ReplyDeleteHi Lucky Patton! I always advocate a book to the alcohol addicts here called: Kick the drink, easily by Jason Vale. He's written a similar book about chocolate, as the addiction works in a very similar way. Try it! Keep in touch, and let us know how it goes. Love SM x
DeleteOk I have just downloaded the book after consuming to date today a pack of rolo's. at 9am a hot chocolate at 10am fruit pastilles at 1pm and a twix just now. What on earth is the matter with me.
DeleteWe all have our vices! Do let us know if Jason helps with sugar same way he does with alcohol! Xx
DeleteThanks sweetie I will go on amazon today and order it. How are you doing today? Hope the shining is helping not hindering. Xx
ReplyDeletesunshine always helps everything, don't you think? Big hugs xx
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