Sunday 19 April 2015

The 'drunkard detector'

Happy, hangover free Sunday morning everyone!

I was out on Friday night at a dinner party hosted by a couple I have known for 25 years. There were ten of us there, two I didn't know at all, and another four who I knew vaguely.

I learned a number of things that evening.

One: most people don't drink at least half a bottle of wine before they arrive at a party. I'd thought that pretty much everyone started drinking fairly early on a Friday.

When I was still working I would use 'thank God it's Friday' as an excuse to take my whole team out for a (boozy) lunch. Friday afternoon children's playdates would often end with a glass of vino rather than a cup of tea. Even if I hadn't found an excuse to open a bottle before 6pm, I definitely wouldn't wait a minute past 'wine-o-clock' before getting stuck in.

Doesn't everyone have a 'quick sharpener' or two while they're getting ready to go out? It appears not, because one thing I noticed on Friday was that, at the beginning of the evening at least, everyone appeared stone cold sober. Needless to say, in my BS (before sober) days, I would not have been.

Two: most people do not get drunk at a dinner party. Who knew? I was so busy getting merrily drunk myself (never embarrassingly so; never staggering, vomiting or abusive, but probably a little slurry by the end) that I just assumed everyone else was doing the same. But of our ten, at least 2 others drank no more than two or three glasses of wine all evening, and no one was obviously plastered by the end.

Three: I am - I think - much better company sober. I talked, in equal measures, to the bloke on my left and my right (BS I would have stuck with the 'more interesting one' as much as possible, ignoring the poor chap on the other side), and I was genuinely interested in what they had to say. BS I used to get stuck on 'transmit' and somebody else talking was just a helpful pause for me to be able to work out what other (tired old) anecdote I would wheel out next.

Four: I can spot the kindred spirit. Back in the early nineties when (and it seems odd now) coming out of the closet was a very difficult process, a gay friend of mine told me that he could always spot the repressed homosexual at a party. He called it his 'gaydar'. I suspect that I have a similar 'drunkard-detector'.

Here's what caused the drunkard detector to start bleeping: Most of Friday's guests asked about me not drinking (I've just quit for a while...detox...weight loss...blah blah) and then moved on. The lovely guy on my left, however, couldn't let it drop. He asked if I'd gone to AA. He talked about his problems moderating alcohol. I could see him watching the bottle and feeling awful about asking me to pass it when he didn't have the excuse of topping up my glass en route. I knew my not drinking was making him envious and uncomfortable in equal measures. I knew all of this because I have been there.

So, in general, Friday was a huge success. I drove there and back (no taxis - what freedom!), I had a good time. I was - I think - a good guest. I woke up without a hangover. But the next day I still felt really sad. I still fear that as people realise that I'm no longer 'joining in' that I will get left out. I worry that as I dry out all the invitations will dry up. I know that this is shallow of me, but being sociable has always been part of my raison d'etre. And, remember, I spend most of my day with people under the age of twelve, so my evenings are often my only chance to talk to grown ups.

On the subject of friends, one of the best things about writing this has been the people I've met already on the journey. In a short period of time you feel bizarrely close to faceless friends who've been brave enough to comment and to share something of themselves.

And then some of them disappear, and you think 'have they just got bored and moved onto more interesting things?' - in which case, fair enough. Or have they fallen off the wagon and don't feel able to read/comment any more?

I especially miss funny, Irish Kags who stopped drinking at the same time as me. Did she hit The Wall (see The Sober Rollercoaster) too and fall into a ditch? Where are you Kags? Please come back, drinking or not! And where is lovely Laura from Belgium, my continental doppelganger? I guess I have to get used to people dipping in and out, but it's hard not to worry about them.

Love to you all. SM x

Related posts: Will I lose all my friends? And for those of you who are new to this blog and this journey, have a look at Sundays: Hair of the Dog

22 comments:

  1. Hi sm happy Sunday !! It's kags here ( although thoroughly English not Irish!!) and still thoroughly sober - in fact 42 days today just 7 days behind you which means tomorrow is your 50th (!) for which I raise my hot chocolate and toast you what an amazing milestone - who would have thought that us two wine lush mummies would have ever made it beyond two weeks in the beginning !! I read your thoroughly wonderful blog every single day ( although must admit panicked slightly when you didn't blog yesterday and hoped beyond hope it was that you had a buzy family day rather than have fallen of the wagon !! I can honestly say hand on heart that at times of "wobbles" the fact that you and the others such as flossie etc are also here has kept me on the straight and narrow as I would feel that I was letting my faceless but lifeline buddies down x it's been rather buzy this last couple of weeks with work and back to school activities in full swing but I'm still here still loving your blog and still sober x thanks for being here and enjoy your sober Sunday x I'm off to see the lambs being born today at a local farm which heralds the start of spring for us each year and this year with a special poignance of being the start of a clear headed sober summer x big hugs and I will raise the hot choc later in readiness for your 50rh day sober x

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    1. Kags!!!! So pleased you're there! No idea why I'd thought you were Irish! Maybe projection - I've always thought I must have been Irish in a former life ;-). Well done you! Well done us! I feel much better knowing you're still clinging onto the rollercoaster xxx

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  2. Good Morning SM. Congratulations on another sober weekend. I have had a tough weekend here. Yesterday was the worst day for a while. I was fidgity, restless and really wanting a drink or a smoke, or just something (yes, I had more than one vice). As evening came though, I began to feel a sense of calm again. The inner turmoil had subsided and I had a really good nights sleep.
    I woke up this morning feeling really great and of course hangover free. Tomorrow is my birthday and to be honest I was kind of putting it out of my mind, but I am surrounded by reminders from my wife and my kids and for the first time, I am actually looking forward to it. I use the term 'looking forward to it' in a loose sense because I cannot really seem to enjoy anything at the moment. This 'Dulling' of my emotions is one of the most frustrating aspects of this journey. Well, today is day 46 for me and I am feeling quite good, so Upwards and Onwards! Thank you again for your wonderful blog x

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    1. Tallaxo - you're a bloke! How exciting - I was worried that the title of this blog was a bit off-putting for men. Today is 49 for me, so we are in almost exactly the same place. We're, apparently, in 'the Wall' phase where everything seeming 'dulled' and boring is common. I'm hoping that when we get to the other side of the wall (about 120 days) the promised land awaits! Or perhaps it's like trying to find the wizard in Oz, and he's never actually there? Anyhow, let's trip on down the yellow brick road and find out together. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! SM xx

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  3. Hi SM I love your tales of sober socialising. I’m very much still feeling my around this one. I was at a ‘do’ last night and like you was very much aware of other people’s drinking patterns. I have to admit I did spend the first half hour or so wishing I was at home in bed and at the end of the evening when a few people (my husband included ) went off to put in an appearance at a 50th birthday party I cried off ( teenager with an important football match tomorrow probably still killing things on his PS4, sorry really have to go). Today though, I glad I went and caught up with one particular friend who I don’t see very often any more. What did I learn? One: sober socialising is still hard but doable and can be rewarding. Two: I never want to be the woman who turns up to a social event with a flask of her own tea. Please don’t ever let me be that woman! Okay, I’m sorry that’s a bit uncharitable and I know it’s a case of when going for sober stick with whatever works for you. The problem for me is my visualisation of the new sober me is still very much a work in progress and can easily be knocked off kilter but after reading your post today who wouldn’t want to do anything but sober socialising! It’s the way to go. Flossie x

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    1. Hi Flossie! Well done last night! I've never seen anyone turn up with tea! Does anyone really do that?? I had considered turning up with fresh limes and soda so I could make myself a 'cocktail', but quickly dismissed the idea as making far too much of a fuss. Big hugs SM x

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  4. Hi, I've been following this blog for a little while now and thought I'd say hello. I, like many of you share very much the same story. I have three wonderful children, a lovely husband and a problem controlling how much wine I pour down my neck. I'm now 21 days sober and counting. Each and every one of you are my inspiration to keep going. Well done to you all. Oh and by the way I feel like the alcohol police at the moment, watching every little morsel people are drinking, especially my mum who also has a problem but won't entertain the idea that she has (that's a different story)... Thank you :-)

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    1. Hi Newleaf! Great name! Welcome to the gang - thanks for de-lurking. Huge congrats on 21 days. Hugs SM x

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    2. I have been reading through all of sm blogs and been meaning to comment but the above comment from newleaf really hit a nerve my mum also has a huge problem but is in complete denial. I am currently exploring my own unhealthy relationship with wine and all your blogs and posts are really helpful thank you xx

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    4. Hi Exploring! Thanks for posting! My Dad has drunk way too much for years - every lunch time and every evening - but has no intention of stopping. I don't expect it's a co-incidence that so many of us have parents who are problem drinkers. It's one of the main reasons I had to stop - I don't want them repeating the pattern.... Stay in touch x

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    5. Sorry, that should have read 'I don't want my children repeating the same pattern!'

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    6. No I don't expect it's a coincidence either we were brought up around it!! My dad was the same as yours when I was young but he has mellowed with age now however over the last 10 years it's mum that's hit the bottle hard! I've been so worried about ending up like her .... not stopped me drinking though and I can see that slippery slope ahead which I'm gradually sliding down .... Thank you for replying made my day and well done for what you've achieved so far it's amazing xx

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  5. Hi SM, well done for surviving your evening out. Sounds like you had it all under control. Not sure how I would have gone! It must have felt great being able to drive home and wake up the next day hangover free, Well done. You're awesome! A x

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    1. Thanks Angie! Hope you've had a top weekend. Eagerly awaiting your next post. Hugs SM x

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  6. Love your blog! I keep managing a week AF then failing. Can anybody help me? I have two young children and feel very depressed so would love a point of contact to help me conquer the wine witch xx

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    1. Welcome Crazybird! Love your name. We can help you! Please join the gang. Before you try quitting again read Jason Vale 'Kick the Drink - Easily'. It'll really help you to get your head in the right place. Keep in touch, and good luck - you can do it, it's just difficult without friends ;-) xxx

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  7. SB I disagree. I have two friends within my school mum's circle that I regularly socialise with. One is tee total. One is very not. On Friday the school held a circus in the evening. Miss non tee total spent the entire performance pouring wine down her neck and laughing in an over the top way. Miss tee total checked everyone was ok. Handed over tissues and snacks when needed and was generally an extra pair of hands to everyone. By the end of the night we were all a little on edge with the quite obviously squiffy mum. It's not right. It's not wrong. Each to their own. But me? I would love to invite a funny kind warm and social lady to dinner at mine much more than someone I feel could tip over the edge. If anything you are more welcome. Certainly you are welcome at my dinner parties any day. Remember, as you said not everyone drinks before not everyone drinks more than a few and not everyone wants someone who may drink too much in their home. p.s. The chocolate book is actually helping I am very pleasantly surprised. Happy Monday. Xx

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    1. Thanks so much, Lucky Patton. It's great to have someone here who is not an alcohol addict and can add a 'voice of reason.' What a great school holding a circus! As I understand it, Jason Vale's argument re: chocolate addiction is exactly the same as the one he uses for nicotine and alcohol, so really interested to see how it goes. Good luck! SM x

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  8. I'm loving your blog posts. They are exactly the kind of 'Then and Now' comparisons that struck me.
    You should write a book too.
    Rx

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  9. Thanks so much. I loved your before and afters, and identified with all of them! Funnily enough, I have just finished first draft of a book - but it's fiction and aimed at teenage girls. This blog is distracting me from starting the editing process ;-) xx

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