Let's Stop Being Anonymous!

I realise that I'm not one to talk here.

When I first quit drinking, I told no-one. Except my husband, as it was pretty obvious to him.

I told no-one because I was embarrassed. I was ashamed that in a world where everyone drinks, I was unable to control booze. I thought I was the only one.

I imagined that if I told my friends that I'd quit that they would judge me and assume that I'd been a terrible lush (partly true) and a terrible mother (not true, at least not most of the time).

I thought they'd label me boring and stop inviting me to parties. I thought they'd worry that I'd become all preachy and judgemental (as if I'm in a position to judge anyone!).

I created a pseudonym, SoberMummy, and found you guys, my fellow sober warriors, on the internet.

So, after all this anonymity, it felt a little ironic, to say the least, to find myself on LIVE TV last week.

That's me on the sofa on the Victoria Derbyshire show on Friday. I'm going to be on the Lorraine show tomorrow morning (Monday).

You see, I realise now that if we all stay silent then nothing will change and, more importantly, it's our stories that change the lives of those following on behind us.

I did a webinar (until recently I didn't even know what a webinar was!) on Soberistas last week (it's up on their website, under 'webinars'), and talked about the power of the first moment when I realised that I was not alone.

I was driving my car along a dual carriageway and listening to Woman's Hour on Radio 4. A lady came on called Lucy Rocca. I nearly crashed my car, because she started talking about my life.

As Lucy talked about her issues with booze, I realised that I was not alone. As she talked about her life since, I realised that there was hope and that life without booze might not only be possible, but actually enjoyable.

At the Golden Globes recently, Oprah said "what I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have."

And she's right, because our stories change lives. They make people feel less isolated and they spread hope.

And you know what I've discovered since I came out with a bang (yet more evidence that I'm an all-or-nothing person and just can't do moderation!)?

When you tell your truth, loudly and proudly, when you make yourself vulnerable, people applaud you and support you. They don't judge (with the exception of a few trolls on the Mail Online).

Since my book came out two weeks ago, telling my story in all its gory detail, I've had literally hundreds of messages from people all over the world saying that's my life you're describing. I'm so relieved I'm not alone!

(To buy my book, The Sober Diaries, click here. Or you can read the first few chapters for free using the 'look inside' feature).

When I first started talking to publishers, some of them said "Your book might sell on Kindle, but no-one is going to want to be seen holding a book with Sober in the title."

Well, they were wrong, because last week loads of well known Instagrammers posted pictures of themselves HOLDING MY BOOK! Loud and proud!

I was so chuffed that I actually started Instagramming myself. I'm not very good at it yet, but if you'd like to follow me, I'm on @clare_pooley (Don't forget that underscore, or you get another, very confused, Clare Pooley!)

Things are changing, my friends. It's starting to become not only okay to confess to quitting the booze, but positively fashionable! 

So, once you're feeling comfortable, and you can face the inevitable questions that arise, then do consider COMING OUT and joining the Sober Revolution!

Hurrah for us!

There's loads of new stuff on the SoberMummy Facebook page (click here to go there, 'like' to stay updated) including an incredibly poignant 'farewell to alcohol' written by an old advertising buddy of mine, and great articles on quitting booze from The Pool and The Guardian.

Let's say NO to sober shame,

Love SM x

I am an alcoholic, and my name is.....

Well, a documentary with that title (aired a few days ago in the UK) was bound to catch my attention, wasn't it?

And you think I'd welcome anything in the mainstream media that highlighted the problems caused by alcohol addiction.

But, actually, no. It made me really mad. Because I think this sort of programme only makes things worse.

Why?

Well, the documentary focussed on eight interviewees (including the fabulous Lucy Rocca - founder of Soberistas.com) who, like all the ex-drinkers I've come across, were amazingly brave, honest and individual.

Almost the entire hour was spent lingering over the details of each of their 'rock bottoms.' Ruined careers, homelessness, emergency hospital admissions and so on, with moody lighting, gritty close ups and porn shots of booze. It was like being invited to watch a car crash in slow motion.

To an extent those stories help. I have huge respect for those people who told their stories so movingly in order to make others watching, whose lives are spiralling out of control, feel less alone.

BUT, interestingly, although the interviewees all confessed to being totally addicted to alcohol, and never wanting to drink again, only half of them described themselves as 'alcoholics.' They used expressions such as 'alcohol dependant' or 'non-drinker.'

(See my post: Are You an Alcoholic?)

Despite this, the documentary was called 'I am an alcoholic, and my name is....' encouraging, I believe, viewers to see the interviewees as 'sad people born with an unfortunate disease', with nothing at all in common with them, regardless of how much wine they were happily throwing back while watching.

The word 'alcoholic' leaves the impression that the people are the problem, not the booze, and that it's 'normal' to drink gallons of an addictive substance without becoming addicted, and 'abnormal' if you do!

One lovely lady, a professional cellist, talked about how she used alcohol to cope with performance anxiety. She used to buy bottles of vodka in the supermarket, and use their toilet to hide in while she decanted them into bottles of Evian.

She said "I know there will be people watching this who are addicted to alcohol, but they'll think I'm okay because I've never mixed vodka into bottles of water in a Supermarket toilet."

And she's right! All those 'rock bottom' stories only serve to reassure other addicts that they're not so bad really. Carry on! Crack open another bottle! That's what an alcoholic looks like, and that's not me!

Alcoholics Anonymous tell people to 'look for the similarities, not the differences,' but it's so much easier and more reassuring to look for all the tiny ways those stories differ from ours, isn't it?

But what made me really cross is that these amazing people had all managed to quit drinking and had gone on the live fantastic lives, achieving wonderful things. And how much time did the documentary spend focussing on that?

The last five minutes.

We were encouraged to come away feeling sorry for those poor alcoholics who'd had such a horrible time and could never drink again, when really we should be thinking What incredible people! I want to be like them!

When are we going to start seeing documentaries with titles like 'How I beat alcohol addiction and transformed my life'?

We need documentaries that show how anybody can find themselves addicted to alcohol, and how quitting isn't just a terrible hardship. Documentaries that encourage people to look hard at their own drinking, and see how much better life could be without it.

We need inspiration, not voyeurism.

Gggrrrrr.

SM x

It's All Kicking Off at Soberistas!

I love Soberistas. If you've never come across it, here's a link.

In my early days I spent about two hours a day reading Soberistas. It made me feel like I was not alone. The members helped me with my random questions, like is it normal to have terrible constipation when you quit drinking? (Answer: yes, totally). Soberistas was also my favourite distraction activity at wine o'clock.

I spend less time on Soberistas now, but I still dip in three or four times a week, and it's a great reminder of how hard those early days can be. How confusing. How angst ridden. It reminds me how far I've come, and how little I want to return there.

Every now and again I read a post from someone who's just taken the plunge, and I'm vividly reminded of myself. Like looking back at an old photo album (does anyone do those anymore?). Then I beg them to read Jason Vale (my hero), and post the link to this blog, hoping that they'll find me, and find me helpful in some way.

Anyhow, today it's all kicked off at Soberistas, as it does from time to time. Usually, Lucy Rocca (the founder) ends up wading in and saying something along the lines of "now, now ladies. We are all friends here. This is an accepting and non judgemental place. Calm down," like a kind but stern sixth form tutor.

Today's spat is about day counting. One of the members posted a punchy piece arguing that if you 'slip up' on the sober journey you have to re-set the day counter to 1. It's not ok to say, for example (and I quote)  'I am 1 year sober - minus 3 blips, 4 slips and a couple of shirt buttons'..... (Here's the full post).

Most posts on Soberistas get around five or six comments. A really good one might get about twenty. This post, in the last 14 hours, has had eighty-nine comments.

I've posted on day counting before (see Potholes in the Road). I used to count days avidly myself. If felt like a crucial marker, charting progress. Then I got to 4 months sober, and the individual days just didn't seem to matter any more. Now I count months (and that really is progress). I hope that one day I'll be counting years.

I read all the comments on the controversial post. Several things struck me.

Firstly, there are strong opinions on both sides of this debate. For some people the day count is sacrosanct, and the fear of going back to day 1 is partly what keeps them on the straight and narrow.

For others, it seems terribly unfair to suggest that a short 'blip,' after several weeks or months of sobriety, should negate all the good work done. Better just to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going.

My view? I think we should all do whatever works for us. The crucial thing is to get there in the end, with whatever help, props, or large slices of cake we require.  We all have to learn the lessons for ourselves. We all have to go through it.

No-one can convince you, for example, that moderation is impossible. You have to work that one out on your own..... (often again and again and again).

The second thing I was reminded of by reading the comments is how terrified we all are of being judged. For us drinkers, the fear of judgement is one huge trigger.

We drank because we felt judged. We were judged because we drank. Terrible vicious circle. One thing we have to get used to when we quit is to drop this fear. The truth is that most people are far too wrapped up in their own lives to give a hoot about yours....

The third thing I realised, reading all the comments urging acceptance and peace, is how much we all hate conflict. Certainly I did. The slightest hint of conflict - even with my own children - and I'd reach for the bottle. Uh oh, all getting a little tense around here....better have a drink.

Funnily enough, we'd drink to avoid conflict and then, a few drinks down and BAM, uncontrollable rage. Suddenly you're chucking a mug at the husband because he's not helping you with the dishwasher! (see my post on Alcohol Induced Rage).

So, Laura, if you're reading this, I hope you're not worried about the s**tstorm! You've made people think, and you've distracted them from the Wine Witch. So well done you, and well done everyone, however you count, or don't count, your days....

Love SM x

Cross Addictions

Day 108, and HUGE CONGRATULATIONS TO KAGS who made 100 days yesterday! Kags has been with me since the beginning, and since she quit drinking has found a whole new life and a gorgeous new puppy. You rock, Kags.

I've become increasingly interested in the theory of 'cross addiction'. This is partly because I get loads of e-mails and comments from people who talk about becoming addicted to sugar, and partly because I know I'm developing new obsessions of my own.

Here's what Veronica Valli has to say in her book 'Why you drink and how to stop.'

Once you are addicted to one substance you can be addicted to all.....(alcohol addicts) recognise they have a drinking problem and manage to stop. But then the emotions and feelings they always had, that they used alcohol to escape from, are still there, and they are forced to find other chemicals or behaviours to deal with them.

Valli then cites a fascinating study of obese gastric band patients. It was found that they often suffer from 'addiction transference'. Because they usually don't deal with the underlying psychological issues which led to them overeating, once they can no longer gorge on food they frequently develop addictions to other substances - like alcohol.

So the sugar addicts become alcohol addicts, and we alcohol addicts become sugar addicts! It's like an addicts version of Freaky Friday.

Funnily enough, looking back, I realise that my alcohol consumption really took off in my early thirties, after I managed to quit my twenty-to-forty a day cigarette habit. In my twenties my hands and mouth were far too occupied with smoking to drink too much!

And now, when I get the familiar squirming knot of anxiety in my stomach (which, thank goodness, happens much less frequently now I'm sober) I still feel the need to shove something in my mouth (no rude jokes please).

I'm sure there's something deeply Freudian about this, linked to long buried memories of breastfeeding for comfort. In any case, we have spent decades conditioning ourselves to self medicate against any negative emotion with a hand to mouth action.

And that's why it feels so natural to reach for something like chocolate. Plus sugar, like alcohol, stimulates the 'pleasure receptors' in the brain.

I've tried super hard to avoid 'using' sugar too much, but I've developed other addictions instead.

If I'm stressed about something I head straight for the fridge and, depending on the time of day, go for either a Diet Coke or an AF beer (or water if I'm feeling guilty about overdoing it with those). I drink WAY more fluids than any normal person needs, so am constantly running to the loo.

Actually, I'm starting to worry about my reliance on AF beer. I've begun checking how much I have in the fridge, and even running out to the shops for an emergency stockpile. I consciously limit myself to no more than 3 small bottles a day. It's all behaviour I find horribly familiar...

My other addiction is this blog. I keep meaning to cut down the number of times I post to 2 or 3 a week, like most 'normal' bloggers, but if I don't write my morning post I get all angsty. I was out all day on Monday, leaving home at 7am, so I woke up at 5am to write my post before I left!

I also check my blog stats obsessively, which really irritates the husband and kids. I get super excited when I get readers in a new country - like Oman, Antigua or Ukraine. I love counting page views - 63,000 since I started three months ago. Is that a lot? No idea.

In August we're doing our annual jaunt to Cornwall for a buckets-spades-surfing-and-no-wifi holiday. In the past I've loved this as it keeps #2 away from Minecraft for a good long stretch, but now I'm already starting to panic about how I'm going to manage without the blog.

Lucy Rocca (founder of Soberistas) often talks about how she took up running obsessively once she stopped drinking, which is a really great way to channel your addiction, and to relieve stress. Plus, running releases endorphins, so gives us that high we crave.

I know I should try something like that rather than sitting hunched over the laptop wondering why my wine belly isn't disappearing any faster.

I'm assuming, and hoping, that as I get more used to dealing with all the raw emotions that I've drowned out (literally) for years, my need to 'self medicate' with something else will ease off.

My advice to anyone starting on this journey is to be aware of cross addictions.

Don't beat yourself up too much if you need a crutch like sugar initially, but try to channel your obsessions towards something like exercise rather than just chocolate!

I do feel like I'm on a constant merry-go-round of addiction followed by restriction, but at least blogging and AF drinks are healthier than alcohol and nicotine, so I'm plodding in the right direction ;-)

Hugs to you all,

SM x

Drinking and Sexism

Day 102 (a long way to go before another milestone....)

Ever since I've become obsessed with reading every newspaper or magazine article I can find about alcohol and alcoholics, I've been aware of a worrying discrepancy between the way we talk about male drinkers and female drinkers.

It appears I'm not the only one to notice, because this was among the discussion topics on Radio 4's Woman's Hour yesterday. The fabulous Lucy Rocca - founder of Soberistas.com - was one of the interviewees.

The event that sparked the debate was Kate Moss being escorted off an EasyJet flight (yes, she really was flying EasyJet! Who knew?) for 'having a meltdown' over a lack of sandwiches, and drinking from a bottle of vodka she'd stashed in her hand luggage.

(Do you remember those bouts of self righteous anger that would strike like a red mist when you were drinking? They were, at least in my case, usually due to some imagined 'unfairness', very much like a toddler's strop. Totally out of proportion. See my post on Jeremy Clarkson and alcohol induced rage for more).

Now, despite the fact that fellow passengers have subsequently claimed 'the model's behaviour was not aggressive and crew’s response was disproportionate', Mossy was pilloried in the Daily Mail, and The Sun ran a front page article with the headline "KATE MESS!"

Kate Moss was escorted from her plane by uniformed police. Unlike another famously drunk airplane passenger, Gerard Depardieu, who despite weeing all over the carpet of an aeroplane and delaying the flight for two hours, was not arrested. The press coverage of this incident was all rather jovial. He's a bon viveur! A character! He's French! Who cares if he drinks 5 bottles of wine a day? (yes, you heard me right: FIVE!)

Imagine, for a moment, if a Hollywood actress had decided to pee in the aisle of an aeroplane. She would never work again! She would have gone straight to the Betty Ford Clinic and never come out. Meanwhile, Gerald's career goes from strength to strength.

Tom Ford was interviewed in the Evening Standard yesterday under the headline "If I'd carried on drinking I would have died." The article was hugely respectful, and Tom came across as a creative genius (which he is) successfully battling his demons (which he did).

(Incidentally, Tom Ford blames living in London for aiding and abetting his drink problem. He says "You can very easily consume 10 drinks a day and be considered absolutely normal.... Sometimes I'd say to friends "I think I have a drinking problem," and they'd say "oh, you don't have a drinking problem! Have another drink!")

Do you think for one moment that the story would have looked similar if Victoria Beckham admitted to having a drink problem? No way! Journalists would have fallen over each other to pull her off her pedestal. "Victoria's Perfect Life a Sham!" "Victoria Beckham in Drunken Lush Shame!"

Winston Churchill's habit of starting the day with whisky and water, and drinking constantly until bed time (see Why Ex Drinkers Rock. Part 2 for more) was seen as evidence of his quirky, eccentric genius. If Margaret Thatcher had done the same (apologies if you're now picturing Thatcher in bed) she would have been booted out well before her second term.

And we can't blame the men. In fact women seem to be the first to condemn each other. We revel in the schadenfreude of discovering that our female icons have feet of clay (and livers of yellow fat).

We are particularly hard on women who have children. Now, you and I know that you would have to drink an awful lot to get to the stage where you would let your children suffer one iota from your habit, but the assumption is that we are terrible, neglectful mothers.

It's no wonder that there are so many secret female drinkers out there. Not only are we worried about being pilloried for being weak willed, selfish drunks, but we run a very real risk of having our children taken away.

It was also pointed out on Woman's Hour that if a woman is physically dependant on alcohol and needs a medically supervised detox, there are no longer any mother-and-child units in the UK. She needs to find someone else to look after her children for several weeks or they are taken into care.

We know how difficult it is to fight the wine witch alone. In secret. But, until we can do something about the rampant sexism surrounding drinking, more and more women will fail to get the support they badly need.

Love SM x