Am I Addicted to Sugar?

My name's Clare, and I'm a sugaraholic.

When I was drinking (a lot), I wasn't that interested in sugar. I felt quite smug about my lack of sweet tooth. I could inhale a packet of crisps (that's chips for my American friends) from twenty paces, but chocolate? I could take or leave it.

Then, I quit drinking, and hot chocolate and cake became my lifeline.

I have to confess, that over the last few years, that craving for sugar hasn't really diminished. In fact, it's got worse.

In our house, we have cupcake Friday. I don't actually bake the suckers. I'm really not that kind of mother, sadly. But I pick the kids up from school and we go to the local cupcake shop where they sell such beauties as Unicorn cupcakes! With horns and sprinkles.

I swear, eating a large cupcake with lots of frosting makes me totally HIGH.

But then, there's the inevitable crash, an hour or so later. And I've started craving that sugar high more and more.

When I was madly editing my new novel for a Christmas deadline, I spent hours in my pyjamas and Uggs, hunched over my laptop, mainlining mince pies. I kid you not. I ate dozens of those evil temptresses.

I know I am not alone. Many, many people tell me that after going sober they developed unbearable sugar cravings.

Why is this?

Well, it turns out that sugar acts on our dopamine levels in exactly the same way as alcohol, or cocaine, or any other drug.

Dopamine is a neuro-transmitter in the brain associated with pleasure and reward. If you have a tendency towards addiction, it is likely that you are particularly sensitive to dopamine.

When we drink alcohol, or eat sugar, our brains produce a spike of dopamine. Way-hey! The issue is that following that spike, there's a crash, which makes us crave more.

And over time, our brains reduce the amount of dopamine produced naturally to compensate for all the stuff we keep shovelling in, so without booze, or sugar, we feel a bit...meh.

After my Christmas sugar binge-fest, I decided that something had to be done. I needed to moderate.

I have, therefore, given myself some parameters. I will NOT eat sugar during the week. I will NOT eat sugar alone. I will NOT eat more than one cupcake in one sitting.

Is this all sounding horribly familiar?

And, just the same as when I tried those rules with booze, I find myself becoming obsessed by the idea of sneaking down to the newsagent and hiding a cheeky bag of Maltesers (they are mainly air, after all) in my shopping basket, amongst lots of random items that I don't actually need.

I did some research, and there is some good news. There are, it turns out, several ways to produce dopamine in a totally healthy way.

First off, you can eat foods rich in something called tyrosine, like almonds, bananas, avocados, eggs, beans, fish and chicken. Not as pretty as cupcakes, but they do the same thing in a more gentle, less addictive fashion.

You can exercise. Yoga is especially good at producing dopamine, but any exercise, particularly outdoors (dopamine loves sunlight) will do the job.

Make sure you get lots of sleep. If you're sleep deprived, your dopamine levels will go through the floor. That's why you crave sugar when you're tired.

Listen to music! Your favourite tunes lead to an increase in dopamine. Yes, really.

Get a massage. Apparently, massage therapy increases dopamine levels by nearly 30%, while also decreasing cortisol (the stress hormone).

I've been trying these strategies, and they really do work.

So, whether you're craving booze, sugar or cocaine, grab a banana, do some asanas in the sunshine, book a massage and turn the music up, and before you know it, the cravings will go.

Read the story of my first year sober, The Sober Diaries, described as 'Bridget Jones Dries Out.' You can get the first few chapters for free using Amazon's 'look inside' feature. Click here for UK, here for USA.

For daily inspiration and information, check out the SoberMummy Facebook Page. 'Like' page to stay updated.

Love to you all,

Clare

The Disease of 'More'

I've just started reading the fabulous collection of essays and observations by Marian Keyes called Making It Up as I Go Along.

I have a huge girlie crush on Marian Keyes. She's a brilliant author, but also an addict who, many years ago, after 'becoming rather too fond of the Jacob's Creek,' ended up in rehab.

This inspired her poignant, yet hilarious, novel about an alcohol and cocaine addict - Rachel's Holiday. If you haven't read it yet, then lucky you, you have a treat in store. Buy it now!

Marian describes addiction as 'the disease of more.' She talks about how, when she finds anything that she really likes, she just wants more. Not just alcohol, but also nail varnish, fake tan and box sets (amongst many other addictions).

That is so me.

Marian talks about how all of these addictions trigger familiar addict behaviour.

For example, she loves eyelash extensions. When she hadn't had her eyelashes done for a while she would get irritable and tetchy.

Knowing that you were supposed to give your eyelashes a break after six months of extensions she would rotate beauty parlours and lie about how often she was going.

Eventually she had to face up to her addiction, confess to her beautician and go cold turkey.

Having just returned home after a three week family holiday in Cornwall I can totally identify with Marian's disease of 'more.'

I'm going cold turkey after a horrific (yet totally enjoyable) sugar binge.

When I first quit drinking I turned to cake. It was the lesser of two evils. Sugar was a completely necessary food group.

Eventually, as life evened out, I cut right down on the white stuff, lost two stone, and now I only eat sugary things as a special treat.

When most people would have a glass of champagne, I binge on sugar. When I finished my cancer treatment, instead of downing a bottle of vino I ate two whole boxes of Matchmakers (mint and orange flavour). In about ten minutes flat.

Going on holiday is also a cause for celebration, so during our first week away I treated myself to a Cornish ice-cream every day. It gave me a total buzz.

By week two, the ice cream on its own just wasn't cutting it any longer. I added in a few Cornish Fareings (large ginger biscuits) a day, plus a handful of honeycomb fudge.

By week three I was supplementing with cream teas - scones with lashings of jam and clotted cream.

The disease of 'more' had got me good and proper.

I haven't dared to stand on the scales, but know things are bad as #3 asked if I was "growing a baby."

I was relieved, and grateful, when #1 said "Don't be silly, #3", but then she ruined it by adding "Mummy's far too old for that!"

Great. Fat and old.

So now I'm back in my reserved seat on the familiar waggon. And it's such a relief.

Please feel free to share your holiday sins in the comments below. There's no judgement here.

Love SM x

Moderators vs Abstainers

I've had many vices, but - luckily - sugar is not one of them.

(Crisps are a different matter. That's chips for my American friends. I can hover up a party bowl of crisps faster than the latest Dyson during a power surge.)

However I have always had a major penchant for Rowntree's Fruit Gums. The ones shaped like tiny little fruits. As a child, I'd save up my pocket money for weeks to buy a box. I was distraught when they discontinued the raspberry ones in the nineties. I even wrote to complain.

I haven't had a fruit gum frenzy for a long time. Apart from anything else, refined sugar is in the AVOID section of the how-not-to-get-breast-cancer-(again) diet sheet. Along with alcohol, obvs.

But today we were doing the drive back to the big smoke from the depths of Cornwall, and everyone knows that whatever you eat on a road trip does not count. (Same is true for anything off a child's plate).

So, I bought a family sized pack of Rowntree's Fruit Gums. After all, we are a family of five.

(I conveniently ignored the fact that I am the only one in the family who actually likes fruit gums).

I resolved to eat just a few. Spread out through the journey. I'd then put the rest away until the next road trip.

But once I started, I just couldn't stop. My hand just kept moving from the pack to my mouth as if it had a life of its own.

By the time we'd reached Yeovil, there were hardly any left.

I decided they'd all have to go, otherwise they'd just be sitting there as a reminder of my terrible gluttony, constantly calling to me.

So, just two hours into the journey and I was on a major sugar high, jaw aching, a raging post sugar thirst, and feeling rather disgusted with myself.

I was reminded of sw6mum's comment about the book The Happiness Project (which I must read), and how it categorises people into two personality types: moderators (people who are happy cutting down), and abstainers (people who are happier cutting out).

No prizes for guessing which one is me....

Happy Friday to you all.

Love SM x

Cross Addictions

Day 108, and HUGE CONGRATULATIONS TO KAGS who made 100 days yesterday! Kags has been with me since the beginning, and since she quit drinking has found a whole new life and a gorgeous new puppy. You rock, Kags.

I've become increasingly interested in the theory of 'cross addiction'. This is partly because I get loads of e-mails and comments from people who talk about becoming addicted to sugar, and partly because I know I'm developing new obsessions of my own.

Here's what Veronica Valli has to say in her book 'Why you drink and how to stop.'

Once you are addicted to one substance you can be addicted to all.....(alcohol addicts) recognise they have a drinking problem and manage to stop. But then the emotions and feelings they always had, that they used alcohol to escape from, are still there, and they are forced to find other chemicals or behaviours to deal with them.

Valli then cites a fascinating study of obese gastric band patients. It was found that they often suffer from 'addiction transference'. Because they usually don't deal with the underlying psychological issues which led to them overeating, once they can no longer gorge on food they frequently develop addictions to other substances - like alcohol.

So the sugar addicts become alcohol addicts, and we alcohol addicts become sugar addicts! It's like an addicts version of Freaky Friday.

Funnily enough, looking back, I realise that my alcohol consumption really took off in my early thirties, after I managed to quit my twenty-to-forty a day cigarette habit. In my twenties my hands and mouth were far too occupied with smoking to drink too much!

And now, when I get the familiar squirming knot of anxiety in my stomach (which, thank goodness, happens much less frequently now I'm sober) I still feel the need to shove something in my mouth (no rude jokes please).

I'm sure there's something deeply Freudian about this, linked to long buried memories of breastfeeding for comfort. In any case, we have spent decades conditioning ourselves to self medicate against any negative emotion with a hand to mouth action.

And that's why it feels so natural to reach for something like chocolate. Plus sugar, like alcohol, stimulates the 'pleasure receptors' in the brain.

I've tried super hard to avoid 'using' sugar too much, but I've developed other addictions instead.

If I'm stressed about something I head straight for the fridge and, depending on the time of day, go for either a Diet Coke or an AF beer (or water if I'm feeling guilty about overdoing it with those). I drink WAY more fluids than any normal person needs, so am constantly running to the loo.

Actually, I'm starting to worry about my reliance on AF beer. I've begun checking how much I have in the fridge, and even running out to the shops for an emergency stockpile. I consciously limit myself to no more than 3 small bottles a day. It's all behaviour I find horribly familiar...

My other addiction is this blog. I keep meaning to cut down the number of times I post to 2 or 3 a week, like most 'normal' bloggers, but if I don't write my morning post I get all angsty. I was out all day on Monday, leaving home at 7am, so I woke up at 5am to write my post before I left!

I also check my blog stats obsessively, which really irritates the husband and kids. I get super excited when I get readers in a new country - like Oman, Antigua or Ukraine. I love counting page views - 63,000 since I started three months ago. Is that a lot? No idea.

In August we're doing our annual jaunt to Cornwall for a buckets-spades-surfing-and-no-wifi holiday. In the past I've loved this as it keeps #2 away from Minecraft for a good long stretch, but now I'm already starting to panic about how I'm going to manage without the blog.

Lucy Rocca (founder of Soberistas) often talks about how she took up running obsessively once she stopped drinking, which is a really great way to channel your addiction, and to relieve stress. Plus, running releases endorphins, so gives us that high we crave.

I know I should try something like that rather than sitting hunched over the laptop wondering why my wine belly isn't disappearing any faster.

I'm assuming, and hoping, that as I get more used to dealing with all the raw emotions that I've drowned out (literally) for years, my need to 'self medicate' with something else will ease off.

My advice to anyone starting on this journey is to be aware of cross addictions.

Don't beat yourself up too much if you need a crutch like sugar initially, but try to channel your obsessions towards something like exercise rather than just chocolate!

I do feel like I'm on a constant merry-go-round of addiction followed by restriction, but at least blogging and AF drinks are healthier than alcohol and nicotine, so I'm plodding in the right direction ;-)

Hugs to you all,

SM x