Friday 30 September 2016

Flashbacks

It's almost exactly a year since my cancer diagnosis (see my post: I Need Help) and even the most innocuous things that happen at this time of the year have the ability to plunge me right back into that hellhole.

The slight chill in the air, the darker mornings, displays of pumpkins in the shops, any date with '10' in it, planning for half term; all bring back memories of stomach churning dread in the cancer clinic waiting rooms, lying awake all night planning the music for my funeral and having to tell the children that "Mummy has cancer."

On top of that, I've been re-living the last of the drinking days, and the hell of the early not-drinking days, as I've been writing The Book.

But all of this churning up of the past has a purpose:

When you have cancer you constantly tell yourself that if you are ever blessed with good health again you will no longer take it for granted. You promise never, ever to moan about the insignificant and to count your blessings every day. Yada, yada, Pollyanna.

Then, a few months later and you're back to cursing at the weather, the PTA and the demise of Bake Off as we know it. You forget to say hurrah for being alive and surrounded by the people I love.

So, these reminders are timely ones.

My amnesia about the drinking days is similar, but more dangerous.

After nineteen months of no booze I am feeling totally normal (well as normal as I'll ever be). The dark days seem so far away that it's hard to believe they were real. Our brains are hard wired to hang on to the rose tinted memories and bury anything unpleasant.

It's so easy, even after years of sobriety, to listen to that voice that says hey, you were never that bad! Drinking was FUN! What are you worrying about, you big girl's blouse?

The more 'cured' you become, the more precarious your situation.

It's no wonder studies show that between 50% and 90% of people relapse after a period of recovery.

That's why AA have The Rooms to which people return for years, decades, after they quit in order to re-live their rock bottoms, and to hear the stories of others.

It's also why I, and many like me, are still blogging and reading other sober blogs long after we've quit, because hugging those memories close is crucial.

So, if you're recently sober, or thinking of taking the plunge, then write it down.

Document how you feel in lurid, livid detail. List all those reasons why you're waking up at 3am every morning thinking this has to stop. Start a blog, or a diary, write a letter to your future self.

One day that piece of paper, or blog post, may be the thing that saves you.

Happy sober Saturday!

SM x


13 comments:

  1. That's good advice - I wish I had written stuff down that I could go back and read now. Your post is very timely for me as at 16 months sober, and having recently done my own wedding and honeymoon alcohol free (tough at times) I feel my motivation is waning a bit. It leads me to sometimes start to think these dangerous thoughts which filter out the bad bits about my drinking, and forget to look at the bigger picture.
    X

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  2. My writing led to my sobriety, I have no doubt of that. My private journals led to my blog, my blog led to my online community, and all of it led to where I am now. You don't think something as insignificant as writing down what you're going through has power, but it does. And for those of you at the beginning of this journey, I owe you gratitude for sharing your pain and tumultuousness, because it reminds me and keeps me going forward.

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  3. Absolutely! The chronicling of the journey....from the tenuous, uncertain, difficult (hell, perhaps/probably miserable!) start through day-after-day of improving times....hard to overstate how useful, important, it is. And, particularly if it is a journal - just for you - you can be absolutley unstinting about the truth (not to say bloggers arent truthful, as well...but also braver than I could be, sharing with the world). Going back to re-read WHY you stopped, what it was like before....all of it, just such an integral part of the journey. And a big big aid to powering through 'wobbles.'

    Pick up that pencil, hit that keyboard....and START!!

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  4. Tomorrow, I'm 9 months clean but tonight I'm frightened and edgy. I think I know that I can't let my guard down because as somebody said (Ainsobriety, I think). I don't want a drink, I want to get drunk. Its been a difficult day but I also know that's what life is all about. I regret the past but I can't change it. If I hadn't made some choices a while back, I'd still be drinking or worse so I'm glad that I came here and found you and all of the other inspirational people and if the demons come at around 4am, then at least I'll be dealing with them sober and that's a big and good thing.

    Justonemore

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  5. Hey SM - can't believe that was 1 year ago - look how far you've come. So agree with your post - as usual. I was at a party recently where the champers was flowing (my weakness) - and I thought - blow it - why not - but thankfully just for a few secs - before I thought - really !!!! get a grip girl - you won't have a sociable few - you'll have a few magnums of the stuff before you're happy - and you'll be a spewing disgusting mess making an utter fool of yourself. (wow I paint a pretty ugly picture - putting it down in words like that). And I also think back to some of my drinking behaviours - not normal, scary stuff - how much it dominated my life really - and think how I got away by the skin of my teeth. I would have kept spiraling lower into some horrible depth - so glad I found your blog and managed to stop at the 'high bottom' - love that term! So what I'm saying is - thanks again SM - you totally rock and just penning some of my thoughts above - has helped me to remember - don't even go near 1 tiny bubble of the golden liquid. 9 mths in a couple of days - feeling fab for the most part - but so good to have your reminder to flashback (allbeit briefly) to those dark days - just to tell myself - no way, nope never ever going back there. Life is just too great in this wonderful field of bunnies. Happy sober weekend SM. Love SFM xxx

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  6. I am a 5 year cancer [Kidney] survivor - so far - and do feel thankful still every day - although sometimes I do go a day without remembering those early days - for me - right around Christmas. My surgery day was my husband's birthday, so will never forget it. Today I am 28 days sans wine, and did start a wee blog, having put to bed my other blog for the time being. I thought I was blog-finished, but realize that I still have that need to write here in the web. I ended up with late onset fatigue and am still waiting for sleep to come easily... All good though.

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  7. For those of us who would never go to AA for whatever reason, blogging and/or reading blogs is the most amazing support. It is, for me, enough to keep me going. Without knowing that there are so many other women like me and that not drinking is a feasible, even positive option, I would be back in the horrible vicious circle of drinking, feeling shit, drinking, feeling shit etc etc!

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  8. Thank you for your post. This is te terrifying thing about 'recovery' how quickly we forget the utter hell addiction is. That's what lead me to relapse so many times! This time I am writing it down!

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  9. Just over nine months for me. I haven't recorded my thoughts on being AF (except for a few comments here). Sometimes I wish I had, as you say it's easy to forget how bad i used to feel. I found an old journal from 2007 yesterday in which I noted how relieved I felt at not drinking, as I began another 'dry January', noting the intention of keeping it up after January - but no, it took another 9 years! Nine years of turmoil, trying to cut back and always returning to bad habits and then hating myself. Made me think I should start writing again.

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  10. Just over nine months for me. I haven't recorded my thoughts on being AF (except for a few comments here). Sometimes I wish I had, as you say it's easy to forget how bad i used to feel. I found an old journal from 2007 yesterday in which I noted how relieved I felt at not drinking, as I began another 'dry January', noting the intention of keeping it up after January - but no, it took another 9 years! Nine years of turmoil, trying to cut back and always returning to bad habits and then hating myself. Made me think I should start writing again.

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  11. Hi SM!
    I never want to forget the pain drinking caused me and my hubs.
    It keeps me grounded to the truth.
    Of course I also see all the good thing sober has brought me!
    xo
    Wendy

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  12. What great advise. Thank you - today is my day one, and I'm making sure I blog about it a ton.

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