I'm finding it very hard to write this. I'm trying not to cry, and trying to breathe properly. I'm hoping that writing this down will help, as I don't think I can talk to anyone right now.
Yesterday, I discovered that a much loved Aunt of mine has aggressive breast cancer. It was horrible news to hear (via my mother), and I haven't yet even begun to process it.
Then, with this in the back of my mind as I was getting dressed this morning, I noticed that one of my boobs looked slightly different from the other (apologies to any men reading this).
I checked it more closely.
I have a lump.
Needless to say, my first reaction was to want to drink half a bottle of vodka.
I didn't. I called the doctor. I can't even make an appointment until tomorrow morning, and the earliest I can go in is Monday morning.
I don't know what to do.
I keep being reminded of the quote I posted yesterday - Edith Piaf's last words: "everything damn you do in this life, you have to pay for."
Maybe this is payback time.
Hello Sober Mummy
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog now for about 6 weeks. Every day I look to see what you have posted and am always thrilled when there is something new that you have added. You have been nothing short of a complete inspiration to me to stop drinking. Having never entertained the thought of giving up completely, I simply aspired to 'moderate'. However, soon after beginning to follow your blog and having spent several days reading avidly to catch up from the beginning of March, I soon began to realise that life could be so much better if I cut it out of my life completely. I'm on day 18 (although trying to take Jason Vale's advice not to count) and still going strong.
For weeks now I've intended to make contact and let you know just how much I value your intelligent, funny and empathetic blog. Shame on me that it took until today's post for me to get myself into gear. I'm so sorry to hear about your relative's cancer and can only imagine how slowly these next few hours and days will pass until you can see your own GP. Do you have an 'urgent care' facility at your local hospital? You can just turn up and wait to see a doctor - long and boring but you always get seen. Sometimes we girls find strength in just being able to 'do' something as it makes us feel that bit more in control.
Remember too that around the time of Menopause (sorry I know that for us 40 something ladies this is something approaching a swear word) our bodies can become lumpy and bumpy due to hormones.
Hang on in there SM - you've beaten the booze so your strength knows no limits!
J
Hi Claire,
ReplyDeleteI've been there several times. It's horrible, I know. But most likely you don't have cancer. There are so many other possibilities.
My only advice is to get it looked into as fast as possible, not because you might have cancer, but because you need to put it behind you as soon as possible. You will have no peace until then.
In the Danish system, they do a kind of prioritizing, and I've waited 5 months for a mammogram on two occations. This last time I waited six weeks. Don't do that. Pay your way in the private system. Call around and get booked for a mammogram in a private hospital tomorrow or next week if at all possible.
Best wishes - Ulla
Prayers coming your way! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteHi, I've been reading for a while too and this is my first time commenting. I know it's not possible not to worry but hang in there. I had a lump which turned out to be a cyst (actually one of a number of cysts); several friends have too. From my initial appointment I had a two week wait for an ultrasound which showed up cysts so I didn't have to have a mammogram, but would have had one the same day had it been necessary. This was on the nhs in Leicestershire.
ReplyDeleteI feel awful for you as I remember the anxiety I went through and how I was mentally planning for the what-if scenarios. I was numbing my entire life with alcohol at the time and all I can say is I wish I hadn't. A number of highly stressful situations were ongoing then but looking back, my constant reliance on wine made every one of those things worse. Like you, I find it hard to regret my 'fun with alcohol' times but I deeply regret using it as way of 'coping'. What I was doing was the opposite of coping.
I have complete faith in you that you won't slip and that you'll be able to distract yourself from the anxiety with positive activities. I really appreciate your candour in this blog and should have commented sooner. I'm sorry to hear about your aunt and hope her cancer is treatable. My very best wishes, Clare x
I had a lot of cysts also. My aunt, who was also an alcoholic, had cysts, too. Maybe it's our hormones being screwed up by alcohol - I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even feel the need to tell you not to drink, but it's obvious: Just imagine the 3 o'clock horrors with a REAL worry thrown in. It would be awful. Don't go there.
Did you tell the receptionist why you were calling? I thought they have to prioritise you? My sister in law has just been through this and all was benign it was just excess breast tissue. It is most likely it will be something benign. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteLots of great advice here SM xx. Hugs to you xx. Phone again and tell them it's an emergency. Get it sorted. xx
ReplyDeleteMy advice would be firstly try and stay busy to give your mind less opportunity to dwell. And insist on an appointment, say it's an emergency and don't let them fob you off with a nurse. And if you can, be prepared to throw money at getting further investigation sooner. We paid £200 to have my daughter have an MRI in a few days, rather than a few months.
ReplyDeleteCourage. You're in everyone's positive thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI am on holiday with in laws at the moment. I am finding it very stressful for many reasons. I've been toying with the idea of drinking wine tonight. This has literally stopped me in my tracks. Take care and keep us informed xxxxxx
ReplyDeleteAs a Man, I cant really offer any advice, but I can give you a big virtual hug and and heaps of positive vibes xx
ReplyDeleteMy friend had a screening a few weeks ago and was given another appointment almost immediately. The second screening confirmed it was a lump but nothing to worry about. It will just go away on its own. No treatment needed. Just live, breathe and keep enjoying sober life until you know what you're dealing with. Let us know how you get on. Big hugs LNM x
ReplyDeleteP.s I won't hold it against you if you defect to the dark side. I was almost tempted yesterday. Not had that urge for a long time. x
DeleteSober Mummy, we are sending all kinds of prayers, healthy thoughts and the best intentions out into the universe to embrace you! (This may be the first comment of mine you have seen - I was late to your blogparty).
ReplyDeleteTry not to let fear and uncertainty derail you in any of your needs and desires.
My best wishes to you at this difficult time!
Sober Mummy, we are sending all kinds of prayers, healthy thoughts and the best intentions out into the universe to embrace you! (This may be the first comment of mine you have seen - I was late to your blogparty).
ReplyDeleteTry not to let fear and uncertainty derail you in any of your needs and desires.
My best wishes to you at this difficult time!
Dear SM
ReplyDeleteYou have been a complete inspiration to me since your blog began in March. Please do not have a drink now. Just breathe and think rationally. A drink will not help at all. You can get through this, I have every confidence in you.
Sending lots of love xxx
Praying for your continued strength and peace to sustain you. Yes, it does no good to tell you not to worry, I would be a basket case. You WILL get through this. No words, just thinking of you. Kary
ReplyDeleteThinking of you SM and sending as much virtual strength your way as possible. Xxx
ReplyDeleteDear SM - you are an amazing inspiration to all of us. Keep strong. I'm sure all will be fine. And you are so very strong you will deal with whatever comes along. Prayers (if that works for you) thoughts, virtual hugs and so much more. You have helped me so much already. Want to offer all the above and more to get you through this. Love SFM
ReplyDeleteDo not panic! Do not assume anything! You don't know what it is or potentially can be. It can be nothing. A fatty cyst. I had it. And I thought I was going to die. In fact it went away on its own after a few months. I am thinking of you. Hugs. And for the love of god - do not drink!
ReplyDeleteSending you love. These are the sober moments we need to hold on and sit through. Cry. Snack. Pray. try to let go of the future fear and stay with today. Focus on doing, appointments, deep breaths.
ReplyDeleteWe are all here with you, holding your hand.
Thinking of you SM and sending you big cyber hugs. I was so sorry to read about your aunt - its obviously a horrible shock for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI have had two scares in the past that proved to be nothing to worry about thankfully but its the waiting around for appointments that can absolutely do your head in! I totally agree with the others that if you can get a private appointment its worth it.
You've helped so many others SM (I've hit 8 weeks today and assure you I would have thrown the towel in many a time if it hadn't been for your blogs!) - wishing you peace and strength xxx
FWIW, most breast lumps aren't bad. Get seen soon, get the scans and I hope all will be OK.
ReplyDeleteDon't accept what Piaf had to say; kismet doesn't exist.
All of my friends including myself who have found lumps and bumps etc have not had cancer. Seems lumps and bumps are all part of maturing boobs! Get yourself checked asap and I know being told you dont have a problem is better than a bottle of vodka! Keep us sober mummys informed and ride the storm of uncertainty!! Duvet day??? xx
ReplyDeleteThoughts and big hugs winging their way from New Zealand. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Sober Mummy, I'm another who has been following you for several months now, struggling away with my drinking and being so inspired by you. I haven't posted until now, but I just wanted to add my voice to those wishing you all the best and to say I'm thinking of you. xxx
ReplyDeletethinking of you, praying for you. what a fright to get. You will be ok. X
ReplyDeleteJust take it one moment at a time and try not to think too far ahead or assume the worst. You can handle this, you've already done so well by not turning to alcohol, and asking for support. That is good sober thinking! As you can see from these messages, there are a lot of people sending good thoughts and prayers your way. All the work you've done in recovery will help you to handle whatever comes your way in this situation. You've faced down the wine witch, you can handle this situation too.
ReplyDeleteSM, my mum found a lump in her breast a couple of years ago. Turned out she had to have treatment. She's just had the all clear and has flown through the whole thing. Cycling everyday, walking, holidays in France and Italy. She's half forgotten about it now already! My thoughts out to you and please let us how you get on. Keep steady and we'll all be your crutch!!
ReplyDeleteDear SM,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your aunt.
I had to have a biopsy last year, but it was negative.
I am sending hugs and love!
xo
Wendy
Dear SM, I am so sorry for the worry you are experiencing. You mean so much to so many people. The vast majority of which you will never meet. Your blog is my lifeline. I don't think I would be where I am today without you. Your journey is inspiring and your ability to speak to what it feels like to have a drinking problem is extraordinary. I am sending prayers your way. And if it's true that everything you do in this life you have to pay for than I'd like to believe the opposite to be true also. With the amount of good you are doing for people have faith the good will come to you.
ReplyDeleteThoughts and Hugs - give us the update when you know it. Eeyore
ReplyDeleteHi partner,
ReplyDeleteHuge wave my friend...huge friggen wave.....
I'm thinking of you and praying .....
hugs...xo
Hi partner,
ReplyDeleteHuge wave my friend...huge friggen wave.....
I'm thinking of you and praying .....
hugs...xo
Dear SM. sorry you are going through this difficult time. That's awful news about your aunt and now your own scare to deal with too. You are amazing and strong and you will get through this. Thinking of you. And good luck for your appointment on Monday. Love Angie xx
ReplyDeleteI haven't commented since early days (because I haven't stayed the course, and I'm ashamed), but I have read every post, and you have been in my thoughts for these three days! I await your good news update, and in the unlikely event that your update isn't good, I know that the strength and spirit that keeps an entire community humming and inspired will prevail to see you through. xoxoxoxo - Justine
ReplyDelete