Saturday, 24 October 2015

Back at Day One

Well, I went through the early days of alcohol withdrawal, into the pink cloud, and over the obstacle course (see my post on Obstacle Course).

Eventually I ended up in the promised land of happy sobriety.

Then - BAM - one cancer diagnosis, and it feels just like being back at Day One.

In the early days of not drinking I had a constant voice in my head - I called her the Wine Witch (see The Wine Witch) - banging on and on about all the reasons why I should drink. Now she's been replaced by the Voice of Doom which won't stop telling me I'm going to die.

Back then I was scared and apprehensive. I had no idea what was coming up, or whether I could cope. Ditto times one hundred.

I couldn't picture ever having fun, or feeling 'normal' again. Again, ditto.

And, funnily enough, the AA principles seem to be terribly relevant:

Admit you are powerless - oh yeah, baby.

Turn your will over to a Higher Power - in this case the breast consultant.

Have faith that all will be well - I'm trying, I really am.

Take one day at a time - each day is horribly long, with endless diagnostic tests, and waiting for results.

I'm sure that once all the tests are finished and I've had my op (in about a week's time), I'll be able to start moving forward. But, in the meantime, it's hell.

We told the kids today. Must have done a good job, because they seem perfectly relaxed about it all.

What I keep thinking is that frigging dolphin lied to me! (see my post: Let me not die while I'm still alive)

(Hope I didn't alarm you with the post title. Still not drinking.)

Love SM x


  1. You wrote a great post about Fate. Maybe everything you have done over the last 8 months was to prepare yourself for now. Imagine how awful this experience would be for you and everyone else if you had still been drinking. One thing that booze does is make us self absorbed. Look at you now! Making sure the kids aren't freaked out. Dealing with the appointments. Keeping Mr SM calm. Imagine doing any of that with a raging hangover. Imagine how much worse your health would be. ALL that work is now paying off in spades. Now you can face that OP and the treatment knowing that you are in great shape (apart from the cancer, of course). This may not feel like your finest hour, but it is your strongest. That Dolphin was just checking in, making sure you were on track. And by the way chickie, we still want to see RESULTS from your novel writing !! Hugs and love, WB.xx

    1. Thanks for this WB. I love you x

    2. Absolutely agree!! It's like the universe waits until you're sober and strong to throw turds at you! Which doesn't sound all that great, now that I type it. But it is, because you NOW you can handle it.
      BTW, thanks for the click-bait. I almost shit a brick-- SoberMummy is drinking?? The universe will IMPLODE.

  2. I was scared when I saw the title of the post. I second everything WB said. You're doing amazingly, even if you might not feel that way.

  3. I love what WB said....every word of it....
    hugs girl....

  4. That dolphin did not lie, you still have miracles coming to you. My daughter-in-law was diagnosed with a rare form of cervical cancer almost four years ago, the first oncologist gave her absolutely no hope, she said there is no five year survival statistics because there are no five year survivors. Thank God, she changed doctors. Her scans continue to be clear, in fact, they have finally decided that she doesn't need them every three months. Every day is a miracle for her.

    They caught hers early. You said they think yours is only Stage One. It is a miracle that your aunt's diagnosis caused you to go look at your own breasts. It is a miracle that, as WB says, you are at your strongest right now. It is a miracle that your lump wasn't some insidious thing deep inside that couldn't be detected until it was too late. You know the fucker is there and you can fight it.
    Don't quit expecting miracles, you might miss some.
    BTW, you have a right to be angry (notice that I didn't say "pissed") and sad, just don't feel defeated.

    1. I wish I could go back and delete "only" Stage One. There is no such thing as "only" when talking about cancer.

  5. I agree. I think that you will cope with this so much better because you're sober. You will have so much more strength to put a brave face on for the kids. One of the reasons I stopped is because my dad had a big operation to remove a cancerous bladder tumour. He drank alcohol right up to the night before the op although he was supposed to have stopped or at least cut right down. I'm sure he was planning how long it would take till he was back to normal and could drink his beloved red wine and whisky again. Long story short things didn't go as planned and he ended up in ICU with withdrawal from alcohol as the reason. Scared us all. I'm glad you don't have to deal with the raging wine witch just now. Keep breathing and take each day as it comes. Big hugs xxx

  6. Hang in there.. Enjoy the sunshine and the leaves changing, enjoy the children's laughter, enjoy roast dinner with all the trimmings, a bubbly bath, a hug from mr SM.. A becks blue or three... Remember all those things that got you through the early days.. You are totally equipped to deal with this (and you will.) xxx

  7. You did alarm me! Good to hear you are still AF. You are a strong, amazing woman and continue to inspire me. Good work SM. LNM x (p.s I find spending a night in with friends who are drinking can work wonders for my sobriety (which I needed yesterday). A reminder of what we are not missing lol x)

  8. I held my breath when I read the title! ! I totally agree with everything WB and everyone else has written!
    You're amazing!
    Sending big hugs xx

  9. Thinking of you. xxx Mtts. xx

  10. dear SM, you are in my thoughts a lot since reading your news.
    my heart goes out to you, wishing you all the best.

  11. Dear SM,

    I have followed you from the very beginning and as a lurker your blog resonated with me most of all. I also love love Mrs D and Belle tired of thinking about drinking need to look into your other suggested blogs. I am a heavy heavy drinker who is a mum with 2 kids 6 and 8 with 2 part time jobs and f/t study. Anyway enough about me I just want to say that the fact that you have not listened to the wine witch during your journey is superhuman. I have had breaks for the vino (4-6 weeks) but found I'd pick up and drink more rapidly after each break. Honestly I think Im done SM. You are the most massive inspiration to me and I hang out for your posts checking in every day. You are awesome and beautiful and have inspired so many big love from Melbourne Australia xoxoxoxo

  12. Meant to say many big bear hugs and love from Melbs Oz....You ROCK girlfriend - never underestimate how many lives you are changing with your words xo

    1. Thanks juniorburger. You made me cry (in a good way). Step away from the vino pronto - you owe it to yourself! Xxx

    2. With you as my inspiration SM I will keep trying and keep you posted. My thoughts are with you today as you receive your results xoxoxo