Exhaustion

Thank you so much for all your comments and support after my last post.

I took your advice. I ignored the ever lengthening To-Do list, slept (a lot) then baked some banana bread, did some yoga, and now I'm feeling (almost) back on form.

It did make me realise though, that we over enthusiastic drinkers are not very good at listening to what our bodies are telling us. We spend our whole time fighting them, rather than working with them.

Our poor bodies start waving the white flag, dialling 999 (that's 101 for you folks over the pond I think), desperately trying to get us to pay attention, and we just reply:

What do you mean, you're tired? We're going to party!

Or You may not be hungry, but that triple layer bacon sandwich is the only thing that's going to fix this hangover. So we're eating it.

Or You're feeling stressed? Drink this litre of toxins and stop bleating on about it.

One of the major benefits of being sober is learning to work in partnership with your body. Suddenly it feels like you're on the same side!

You learn to only eat when you're hungry, drink when you're dehydrated (yes, that's what drinking is actually for. Who knew?), and sleep whenever you need it.

So, when you get that feeling of bone deep tiredness you need to pay attention.

I was thinking about the times when I've felt properly exhausted, and why.

Early pregnancy. Remember that one? That's your body saying:

Hey, you, I'm doing some really intricate building stuff here, so cut me some slack. You think making a brand new human being is easy?

There are also those sick days, like when you have the 'flu and you sleep pretty much all day. It's saying something like this:

Dealing with all these pesky bacteria and this raging temperature is taking every bit of energy I've got, so you're just going to have to lie there and not ask me to do a single additional thing. Got it?

And then there's the after effects of a period of stress, which is where I was yesterday. My body was saying:

I've been pumping up all the adrenaline, constantly on alert for fight or flight, and now you say it's all ok after all? Right, well I'm shutting all systems down or they'll overload, and then we'll be in proper trouble....

But one of the longest, most extreme periods of exhaustion I've had to cope with was when I quit drinking.

I was expecting to be bouncing around like the Duracell bunny, all fit and healthy and toxin free, but instead I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and wanted to sleep for twelve hours a day. And I felt like that for three weeks. At least.

So, if that's where you are now then don't panic. It's perfectly normal. It'll pass (eventually!). The main thing to do is listen.

Start thinking of your body as your partner, not your enemy. Quitting drinking is hard work, physically and emotionally.

Your body is flushing out all those toxins, and having to adjust to a completely new regime. Plus, if like me you had drink induced insomnia for years, you've got an awful lot of catching up to do...

(See my post: Sleep, Glorious Sleep)

You're feeling tired because you need to sleep.

So do it. Go to bed in the middle of the day if you have to. Pretend you have 'flu and take a few days off work. Let the kids play Minecraft till their eyes go square.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Soon enough you'll be paying back in spades with all those hangover free, super productive mornings.

Love to you all,

SM

Alcohol and Sleep

Often I find the self help mantras of successful women rather dispiriting and... exhausting.

The Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother? Oh come on. Just getting my smalls to brush their teeth and do their homework is achievement enough.

Lean In? Give me a break, Sheryl Sandberg! I'm worried that if I lean in further I'll fall flat on my face - rather like I did during an over-enthusiastic jive move at a wedding with Mr SM in the late nineties.

That's why I'm so grateful for Arianna Huffington's latest war cry: She says, and has done the requisite TED talk and written the book, that we all need more sleep.

Hurrah for sleep!

It was a personal experience that got Arianna all fired up about snoozing. She'd taken her daughter round a tour of colleges for a few days, spending the nights catching up on work, then, the day she got back to work, found herself on the floor surrounded by blood.

She'd collapsed with exhaustion and banged her head en route, breaking her cheekbone and cutting her forehead. (Arianna, it seems, never does anything by halves).

So, Arianna's now urging women round the world to, literally, sleep their way to the top.

This is all extremely relevant for us, because heavy drinkers sleep really, really badly.

(For more on this, see my post Sleep, Glorious Sleep).

We might get to sleep (aka passing out) pretty easily, but we tend to wake in the early hours needing to wee, then toss and turn for hours, sweating booze and berating ourselves. Sound familiar?

And, even when we are asleep, the quality of that sleep is pretty rotten, as our bodies are working overtime processing all that alcohol.

The impact of this lack of sleep, as Arianna points out, isn't just that we feel a little bit tired. Oh no. It affects our relationships, our careers, our creativity and our health.

Lack of sleep is directly correlated to an increased incidence of breast and colon cancer, and of heart problems. In the days after the clocks spring forward an hour in March, there is an increase in heart attacks, and of road accidents.

Researchers from the University of California found that couples who regularly get a full night's sleep are more likely to have happy, successful relationships.

Sleep deprivation was deemed to be 'a significant factor' in the Exxon Valdez wreck, the explosion of the Challenger Space Shuttle and the nuclear disasters at Chernobyl and Three Mile Island.

Now, we may not be in charge of a space programme; you may be 'only' a housewife, like me. But you know how lack of sleep makes you unproductive, irritable and more likely to make mistakes.

Of all the benefits being sober brings, for me, getting lots of (great quality) sleep has been one of the best.

It's made me healthier, happier, more creative and has even made me look better (no more eye bags and dull, tired skin).

BUT, be warned, when you first quit you may find getting to sleep tricky. Don't worry. That'll pass. (Magnesium supplements may help).

You'll also find that, for the first few weeks, you are more tired than you can imagine. A bit like that early pregnancy tiredness, but even more so.

That's your body saying oh thank heavens for that! I'm totally exhausted dealing with all that constant poison. Just give me a while to readjust and I'll - finally - be back on form.

If you can, take a tip from Arianna, and have a nap mid afternoon, just until you get your energy levels back.

So, get as much sleep as you can. Not just for you, but for the people around you.

Arianna tells a story about sitting next to a chap at dinner who was boasting about only having had four hours sleep the previous night. Arianna desperately wanted to reply 'if you'd had five, this dinner would have been a lot more enjoyable.'

Have a great day, peeps, I'm off for a snooze.

SM zzzzzz

Drinking Dreams

Thank you SO much for all your messages yesterday, and apologies for not replying to them individually.

I have recovered from my attack of the blues. I suspect that, since my late thirties at least, I've always felt a bit down and reflective on my birthday, I just didn't notice it because..... you guessed it: I always got drunk!

Drinking didn't make that 'sadness about time passing' feeling go away permanently, it just postponed it for 24 hours when it would hit me doubly hard, and be combined with a hangover.

I'd then feel miserable for three days, not just one.

Now I've realised that when you feel a bit blue, the best thing to do is to indulge that feeling for a bit. Let yourself wallow. Like a teenager playing soppy songs in their bedroom after a relationship break up.

So, I had a quiet day. I did some de-cluttering. I thought a lot about the last year. And I read all your comments. Several times! They made me weep buckets (in a therapeutic way).

I can't thank you enough for the huge great virtual hug you gave me. You're awesome.

Then, last night, I had a conversation with Mr SM. I said "it's my birthday, so I'm going to get totally trashed. Just the once. Because I deserve it."

He totally agreed. I don't remember much about the drinking itself - except that I drank buckets of vino - but I do remember how we laughed about how awful I was going to feel in the morning.

Sure enough, I woke up this morning and I felt terrible. Totally toxic. Filled with self hatred.

And I realised that it was just a dream.

I've read a lot about drinking dreams. They are, apparently, terribly common, especially around 'significant dates'.

But, in the last very-nearly-twelve-months I had not had one. Until last night. Maybe because I've slept so soundly since I quit (having been a raging insomniac for years).

(For more on alcohol and sleep, see my post: Sleep, Glorious Sleep).

I do, however, still dream, from time to time, that I've started smoking again, and I quit nearly fifteen years ago!

Like my smoking dreams, this one was really vivid, and it took me a few hours to properly recover from it. I swear I felt hungover for ages, which just goes to show how powerful the subconscious is.

Dreams are the way the subconscious sorts itself out, as - like an iceberg - only ten percent of the work of getting sober is above the surface, the majority of the work is your subconscious (where the wine witch lurks) catching up.

The dreams you have to watch out for are the ones that you wake from with a feeling of longing. If you wake up wishing it were true then you've still got a lot of work to do......

The other common, slightly worrying, dream is when in your dream you try and work out how not to get caught. That's an indication, apparently, that you're quitting the booze for other people, not for yourself.

But, a drinking dream that you wake up from in a cold sweat, horrified at what you've 'done', then are hugely relieved to find out that it wasn't real, is actually just a great reminder that you have no wish at all to make that dream your reality again.

Thank you so much again,

Wishing you all sweet, and sober, dreams,

SM x

Running and Insomnia

So, ever since being inspired by Sarah Connor (see Strong Women Don't Drink!) I have been running every day.

When I say running, I actually mean a combination of running and walking. And anyone more interested in veracity than being supportive might actually say jogging rather than running. But, hell, it's a start.

The terrier is in shock. He's used to me ambling along, checking e-mails, making 'phone calls and chatting to passers by while he wanders off having a good old sniff and marking the territory. Now if he stops for a bit he has to sprint to catch up with me.

I wouldn't say that I'm enjoying the whole thing yet. I enjoy getting back. And every now and again I get a glimpse of 'runners high' - the endorphin rush that us lot have been chasing for years in the bottom of a bottle.

The only way I can keep going for longer than a few minutes is with a really good sound track, so I've put together a playlist on my iPhone with a whole load of clubbing tunes from my misspent youth including Fat Boy Slim, Chemical Brothers, Leftfield, Robert Miles and Faithless.

(Quick aside: I used to work with the actual brother of one of the Chemical Brothers (who weren't actual brothers). I remember him telling me about taking his middle class, middle aged parents to one of the Chemical Brother's gigs in Brixton. They were totally bemused, not only by the music, but by the fact that complete strangers kept hugging them).

This morning I ended up running to a Faithless track: Insomnia (click here for a reminder). The lyrics, I can't get no sleep (repeat), combined with the relentless beat took me back vividly to all those nights I used to spend from 3am onwards tossing and turning, sweating and fretting.

I would get stuck in an endless cycle of trying to sleep, thoughts racing, hating myself, then going to the loo, then going back to bed, then going to get a drink of water, then trying to get to sleep...repeat....until about half an hour before the alarm was due to go off, at which point I'd drop off and have weird dreams.

(For more on alcohol and insomnia see my post on Sleep, Glorious Sleep)

It struck me that I haven't had a night like that for nearly five months! Even if I wake up in the night worrying about something I can think about it logically, park it and go back to sleep. I sleep for, on average, seven hours a night. Proper, restful sleep.

Those tracks still give me a pang of nostalgia, but I wouldn't swap the natural high of a sunny, Sunday morning feeling energetic and fabulous for anything.

Love to you all,

SM x

The Lies Alcohol Tells

I've been thinking about Michael Jackson's face. (Bear with me, it does become relevant!)

When I was at boarding school, I had a poster of the young Michael Jackson on my wall. It was the days just before Thriller, when he was properly black, with afro hair and a slightly squishy nose.

He was gorgeous. I would lie on my bed, staring up at him and imagine what our babies would look like.

But Michael never thought he looked good. He didn't like his hair, his skin, his nose, his chin or his eyes.

So Michael discovered plastic surgery. It promised him a solution to all his self esteem issues. And initially it did what it promised. He liked his nose more, his paler skin, his straighter hair and his sculpted chin. But he still wasn't happy, so he did more and more...

Bit by bit, Michael hacked away at all his perfect features until, one day, he must have looked in the mirror and discovered that instead of making himself perfect, he'd turned into the freak he'd always feared.

The surgery he thought was the solution had caused a horrible problem.

He must, surely, have realised that his original self - before he listened to all those surgeons - was actually pretty perfect.

That's what alcohol does. It promises to be the solution to all your problems. Then, one day, you realise that, actually, it's made all your problems much worse, and that the person you had been - before you started on this road - was actually pretty amazing.

Here are some of the lies we believe:

I will give you courage!

To start with, a shot of 'dutch courage' does seem to do the trick. But then, we get so used to using alcohol as a prop that, without it, we become complete cowards. We retreat into our own little worlds, clutching our bottles, unwilling and unable to take any risks in our lives.

I will give you confidence!

And you do feel more confident in the beginning. But pretty soon you become a bag of fear and anxiety. Unable to cope with anything much without your crutch. You're bloated, overweight, not sleeping and eating junk.

I will make you popular!

And, initially, we are life and soul of the party. But over time we become more and more boring. Self obsessed. Sometimes badly behaved and rude. We look around and realise that the only friends we have are other 'big drinkers.'

I will calm your anxiety!

And so it does - to start. That little knot in your stomach just dissolves after the first few glugs. But then you find you're anxious pretty much all the time! Because the need for a drink causes exactly the same build up of anxiety that it then releases. Plus, you have a hell of a lot more to be anxious about! Your life is a mess.

I will help you sleep!

A few glasses of wine before bed and - bang - out like a light. Only to wake up again at 3am as your poor body tries to process all that booze. Tossing, turning, sweating and hating yourself.

Like Michael Jackson, one day we look in the mirror and think: what have I done? What have I become? All the things I thought alcohol would give me, it's taken away.

You look back at your teenage self and think Wow! I was amazing. Gorgeous, popular, confident, strong. Why couldn't I see that?

But, the good news is, unlike Michael Jackson you can turn back the clock. You can get it all back: courage, confidence, popularity, calmness and sleep.

All you need to do is to see the lies for what they are, and step away from the bottle.

I'm back online!

Love SM x

Related posts: Anxiety and Courage, Sleep, glorious sleep,

Turning into a Goddess - Update

Day 64.

Talking of Goddesses, yesterday's papers were filled with pictures of Kate Middleton as she swanned out of the Lindo Wing looking all glam and coiffed, and like she'd just been to a garden party rather than having given birth to a new princess.

I came down the steps of the very same exclusive, private hospital with #1, #2 and #3 (I was much richer then!), but looking haggard, exhausted and fat. I was not troubled by the photographers.

Not only is it great news that William and Kate now have the heir and the spare, but it also gives all of us a very public sober counter. Princess takes first steps: one year sober. Princess goes to primary school: five years sober. Princess goes to secondary school: 11 years sober. How handy is that? Thanks, Kate!

Anyhow, it is nearly 8 weeks since I posted 'From muffin-topped, puffy faced alcohol addict to Goddess!' so I thought an update was in order.

Back then I weighed 11 stone 10 (164 pounds). I now weigh drum roll......11 stone 3. I have lost 7 pounds! Half a stone. Around 3.5 kilos. My BMI is now 24.6 - NORMAL RANGE (top of).

The fab news is that I haven't actually dieted. In fact I've been eating more puddings and chocolate than ever before. But I have cut out around 600 calories a day of alcohol.

(If you are just starting out on this journey then BEWARE. Firstly, you often don't lose weight to start with, and lots of people actually gain weight. Don't be discouraged! It takes our bodies a while to adjust, plus it's easy to use sugar as a replacement dopamine hit. Personally, I think we have to go easy on ourselves and pig out from time to time, however try to be aware of the difference between eating because you're hungry and eating because you're emotional. Do the latter as little as possible!)

The other good news is that the first puffy fat to go was around my face and the dreaded wine belly.

Whilst my waist is still 36", my wine belly is 39" - TWO INCHES smaller. Doesn't sound like a huge amount, but it honestly makes a big difference to my profile. If you remember, when I last posted I confessed that if I grabbed my belly fat with both hands in the bath it was the size of a wine bottle (ironically). Well it's now, appropriately, the size of a 300ml bottle of Evian. Yay!

And the butt? An inch smaller. Again, small but noticeable. Not Cindy Crawford yet, but getting there.

But you know what the biggest change is? This is one that it's taken two months for me to become properly aware of. For the first time in over a decade I feel 'in tune' with my body. I know it sounds new-agey, but bear with me.

When you drink every day you drown out all your body's natural messages; the ones that tell you when you are hungry, tired and thirsty. I used to eat, not because I was hungry but out of habit, or because I was hungover, or fed up. I would sleep because I'd drunk too much, and wake up before I'd had enough rest. I would drink...all the time! For any of a myriad of reasons!

Now I know when I need to eat, and I know when I've eaten enough. I go to sleep when I'm tired and I wake up feeling properly refreshed (see sleep, glorious sleep). And I drink...because I'm thirsty! What a novel concept. It sounds odd, because this is really basic, human stuff. Stuff babies can do. But - looking back - I'd totally lost the ability (or rather I'd literally drowned out the ability) to do any of it.

So, I may not be a veritable Goddess just yet, but I am starting to be a properly functioning human being. And that's progress!

Love SM x