Monday 16 May 2016

If Only.....

I'm still recovering from Saturday night's awesome Moonwalk. 50,000 women (some men), all dressed up, walking through London overnight in aid of breast cancer charities.

It's been a long time since I've been up all night with crowds of excited people wearing silly, neon clothes. And I've never done it sober!

We laughed. We wept. We weed behind bushes in St James's Park. It was a great reminder that you don't need to drink to get high.

(Walking past all the scary, edgy, wild eyed drunks around 3am was a great lesson too).

While lying on sofa bemoaning my aching muscles and shredded feet, I was thinking about a question Annie asked me last week.

She asked me if I ever felt sad that I can't just have one drink from time to time.

As soon as she asked the question I felt a wave of regret as I pictured myself on a terrace, overlooking a perfect beach, clutching a glass of chilled white wine.

With huge effort I pushed the image to one side and thought logically.

"No," I replied (lying only slightly), "because that's not the sort of person I am. To wish that I could drink moderately would be to wish that I were a moderate person. And that's not me."

You see, we enthusiastic imbibers are not moderate, we never were. That's why ex drinkers are awesome.

We didn't want one glass to just soften the edges, we wanted all the edges obliterated.

We didn't want one glass of champagne to toast the bride, we wanted two bottles and a serious PARTY!

We didn't want a drink or two at the end of the day to relax a bit, we wanted to be transported to somewhere else entirely.

To become a moderate drinker I'd have to become someone altogether different.

But, in being totally sober, I have found myself again. Still all or nothing. Still over the top. Still immoderate. Still me.

But now I can be immoderate about other, better stuff, like being a great Mum, and a good friend, and making the most of every opportunity (that's all still work in progress, obviously. Not there yet....).

Love to you all,

SM x


24 comments:

  1. It is funny, I still get asked that question by "normal folk". They either accept I can never again drink but think that therefore I'm missing out on some great thing or they believe surly that I must be able to drink normally (moderately).
    Firstly I never drank normally. I drank to excess from a teenager into my forties - so frankly I've used up my lifetime quota of drinking anyway, and then some.
    Secondly I'm only missing out on depression, destitution, mental and emotion torture. It would never be the one cold beer on the beach watching the sunset. I wouldn't be there, I'd either be in the bar propping up the bar drunk already or dashing to get there as soon as possible to do just that.
    So I'll gladly sit and watch the sunset over the beach with anyone but with a sparking water

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    1. Me too, to all of that. I like the idea of a 'lifetime quota' too, as it makes me feel like I got my share of it all, so can't complain really! I often tell friends who ask about my not drinking that I've been there, done that, drunk my quota all in one go, and now the cupboard's dry. As am I ;-)

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    2. I love the lifetime quota idea. That's another good way to wrap my head around why I am done. Thank you for that.

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    4. Ditto the above. Only difference is I keep forgetting I have had my fair share. Think that is the needy part of me always wanting more and worried everyone else is having more than me. Wise words Graham

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    5. Amen SM and Graham!
      Just thinking about the depression and anxiety alone make me shiver.
      xoxoxo
      Wendy

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  2. A lovely post and something I struggle with in my recent (third!) quit. I do wish I could have just one, sometimes, but remind myself that this is just a tiny part of what I do and who I am that it's not worth it. Most of my good relationships and most of my time was always conducted soberly and reminding myself that the lovely 'just one' drink will become the chaotic 8th in the blink of an eye helps me resist.

    On another note I have found your blog ENORMOUSLY helpful as I restart MY sober days. THANK YOU!

    http://soberpursuits.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

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  3. Funnily enough I was thinking about this over the weekend.
    People talk about drinking and alcohol but it's not the route there that's the objective me, but the destination. So when I want a drink it basically means "I want to get drunk." Strange, but I've never broken it down like that before.
    So now, on the occasions the Wine Witch comes a knocking I am going to ask myself "why do you want to get drunk?" Coming at it that way may add another dimension to my toolbox and derive another way to keep the cravings at bay xx

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  4. I never thought about your line of "To become a moderate drinker I'd have to become someone altogether different." Light bulb moment for me this morning and very good point. Something to ponder for sure. Thanks!

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  8. Great post! I feel much the same. I feel so much more myself now that I'm sober, and the person I am is kind of full steam ahead much of the time. Love the sound of your all night walk, too! xo

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  9. That is so funny and so true! It took me a while to reclaim my immoderate side after I quite because, like everything else, I thought it was tied to alcohol. Also, I totally agree that ex-drinkers are the most fun/interesting people -- I know a guy who used to be the life of every party, now in AA. He said he was afraid that all his old buddies would be in the bar, living life without him, once he got clean. He found out that his hard drinking friends we're all either in AA with him or dead.

    I love your posts -- every day. I just figured out how to comment here, which is why you haven't heard much from me, but I'll be much more than a lurker in the future, Kate (Hapless Homesteader)

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    1. I think I've seen your posts at wordpress blogs - where I have not figured how to post. Funny that you had a similar issue with blogspot. One of these days.....

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  10. As somebody else said, I've already drunk enough for two lifetimes - although I am typing this listening to copperhead road by Steve Earle - Irony anyone? Well done by the way SM and your #1!!

    Justonemore

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  11. Got a big image from your post about not needing to drink to get high. When I naturally feel that elation these days, it scares me a bit. I enjoy the feeling but mourn the loss of being able to manufacture it whenever I needed. OK realistically I could manufacture it for about 5 minutes then it became something uglier as my tolerance grew. Congratulations on completing the Moonwalk!

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  13. True, true. All of it. When I want a drink nowadays, I think 'why?' And acknowledge that one....one?? ....drink is good for what?? All it will lead to is wanting a second...and on...and on....and then, oh goodie!! Guilt and self-loathing at 3 am.

    Nope. I think not.

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  14. Wise words. I wouldn't be just sitting on the terrace watching the waves with one glass of wine, I would have finished the bottle and be dangerously playing around in the ocean thinking I was Pamela Anderson from Baywatch.

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  15. Absolutely spot on for me too Daniella. Very helpful post S M. XX

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  16. Absolutely spot on for me too Daniella. Very helpful post S M. XX

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  17. I've discovered the longer you deny your truth, the longer you remain imprisoned. The liar will come back time and time again, and urge you to try once more to moderate. I love your blog. Cheers, Mummy! Signed, A previous secret drinker too ;- )

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