Even after several months sober, and even after surviving a cancer diagnosis, you can still get sad days.
Today was one.
The trigger for my general ennui was an e-mail correspondence (or lack of one) with a friend (or maybe an ex friend) I've known for twenty years.
Just before Christmas X send round a group e-mail announcing a new online business she's set up.
I replied congratulating her, wishing her and her family Merry Christmas and adding something along the lines of: So sorry, but I'm not sending Christmas cards this year. I've got breast cancer, which is a bit of a bugger. It's all going to be okay, but can't do cards on top of everything else.
Then I waited. No flowers. No 'phone call. Not even a quick one line e-mail reply. Nothing. Tumbleweed.
Hang on! I thought. Which bit of I'VE GOT CANCER did you not understand?!?
But, I'm sober now, and all level headed and sensible, so I figured that she was horribly busy with Christmas and the new business and stuff, and let it go.
Then, a few days ago I got another group e-mail from X, this time announcing a change of address.
I sent a reply wishing her luck with the move, and adding something along the lines of:
Finished radiotherapy, thank goodness, and would love to meet up. It's been too long.
Then I waited. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
In the old days I would have opened a bottle, had a bit of a rant, then got maudlin. The next day I'd have a hangover and paranoia. I'd feel even worse.
As it was I reminded myself that I, better than anyone, know that you have no idea what goes on in other people's lives. Who knows what she's dealing with. Perhaps it makes my silly old malignant tumour seem insignificant.
Plus, it's perfectly possible that I have, somehow, upset or insulted her and she's deliberately ignoring me. You can't spend ten years as a terrible lush without some fallout. It would be entirely my fault.
So I didn't get angry. And I've learned that when you have sad days, rather than blot them out with booze the best thing to do is indulge them.
I played lots of old tunes from my youth, and did a bit of nostalgic, therapeutic weeping. I ate some ice cream (purely medicinal), and now I'm planning a bath and a lounge around in PJs.
Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.
Love SM x