Monday, 2 November 2015


So, three days ago I was in hospital waiting for my lumpectomy. A lovely anaesthetist came over to discuss the operation.

"....then I'll start the anaesthetic, and you'll feel a bit woozy - like you've just had a couple of glasses of wine," he explained.

I tried hard to look nonchalant.

".....once you've come round, the nurse will give you some oral morphine for the pain. Not too much, or it'll take you longer to get up and about and back home..."

After the nightmare two weeks I'd had, the idea of some 'obligatory' oblivion was incredibly tempting. Almost (but not quite, obviously) worth losing part of a boob for.

An hour later, I'm all gowned and stretchered and waiting to go in. The anaesthetist works his magic. We're chatting away when suddenly I feel incredibly light headed, and find it almost impossible to finish my sentence. It's like the middle bit of a great party...

.....then I'm in the recovery room and they give me a syringe full of morphine.

And I'm thinking: Hello numbness. I remember you! Hello, nothing-really-matters, so good to see you. Waaay haaay pink, fluffy cloud, give me a hug.

All was well with the world. For the first time in weeks I wasn't scared. I was all wrapped up in a feather light duvet of lassitude.

I went home, slept like a log, woke up and wrote a post on Friendship. Everything was hunky dory...

.....until it wasn't.

I went for a walk in the park with #1 and the dog. I probably overdid it. Then a bird shat on my head. I kid you not. It was so big I thought I'd been hit by an acorn. It's supposed to be good luck, but it felt like the final indignity.

And I remembered the small print the anaesthetist had given me about the post morphine blues. (I've never been one to dwell on the small print).

And I'm thinking: Hello utter despair. I remember you! Hello irrational anger. Welcome back. Oh, self loathing! You've shown up to join the party.

Then, with total inevitability, the Wine Witch pops her head round the door and says I have just the thing to take the edge off....

Alcohol, morphine, it's all the same. What goes up must come down.

I've moved onto Paracetemol.

Love to you all,

SM x


  1. I think you can get the blues after an operation anyway. Immediately afterwards I think there is the relief that it is behind you and that it was a success. I was on a bit of a high after I had my appendix taken out (helped that I had a few days in a super-luxy hotel in a shopping paradise - I got ill on holiday) but then came crashing down to earth with a bump a couple of weeks later. Just give yourself points for having resisted the wine and try and be kind to yourself.

  2. Oh Yes. I remember crying solidly for a whole day after surgery. It will pass, but at the time it seems like The World Is Coming to an End. Look after yourself xxxx

  3. Take care. My advice is tell everyone how you feel, even if it seems irrational.
    Let them protect you.
    This is how I am dealing with my current depression. It feels weird, but it really helps.

    Heal up. Hug.

  4. I'm having a knee op next week (gulp - never had a general before - scared about relinquishing control, which is ironic, really) so forewarned is forearmed - very helpful to know about that. Really hope these feelings pass soon for you and the healing process is quick. X

    1. Yes, loss of control. I had to concentrate really hard when having the general - have somewhere you can go to in your head which you can concentrate on when everything is disappearing. I had a think about this beforehand and settled on something gentle and calming.

    2. Thanks for this - will have a think :)

  5. You defo deserve a marshmallow and cream topped hot chocolate tonight. And a bar of dairy milk fruit and nut. That should make the WW pipe down abit x big (gentle) hugs LNM x

  6. I read that surgeries can cause depression.
    I had that happen after my cochlear implant surgery.
    Take care and I am glad you are aware.

  7. Oh that sounds familiar. I was hopping around the ward after my op. Hurrah i thought all over and i am still alive! But i didn't get morphine to go home (hmm perhaps thats why). I got paracetamol and it was remarkably effective. Hope all is healing well and you start to feel better soon. Its extraordinary that you've kept sober after what you've been through. I think of you and it keeps me sober everyday xx

  8. Okay, I'm going to say a quick, "I am so happy things went well." And then I'm going to gush all over your writing in this post. What amazing word pictures you painted, my dear. A hug from the pink cloud! A feather light duvet of lassitude! I need some of that morphine and I need it now! lol Oh yeah, fucking despair always has to trudge in late and ruin the party for everybody. Love you and love your writing, even though my envious evil twin writing persona wants to poke you in the eye.

    1. Ah, well now you know how I feel whenever I read yours Kary Mary :-)

  9. Oh, I love you SM. Such a wonderful elucidation of addiction created in nine small lines. You are a finely tuned instrument to the song of the drugs. So glad the surgery was straightforward and looking forward to good news with the pathology. Everything crossed once again!

  10. I am having a hysterectomy tomorrow morning. I have been so weak the past few days...indulging my every desire. I am new to sobriety and I don't want to go back to my old ways of self-loathing and physical ruin, but I am scared. Scared I will use this situation as an excuse to go back to my old friend wine. I don't want to drink. I really don't. But somehow it always pops into my mind as the answer to everything. I worry l will fall into the depressed state I was in post pardom 13 years ago (and still struggle with today). I read your blog every day. I take som much engouragement from you. I will keep up my courage and lean on you and Sobaritsas to get me through this especially difficult week(s) ahead. Take good care.

    1. Hi! I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Believe me (because I really do know) that drinking will make it better for just a short while, and then it'll be a whole lot worse. Your body needs you to be strong right now. We're giving you a big virtual hug. Mail me on if you want to chat more. Much love xxx

  11. Also sending gentle hugs and hugs to all going through horrible, testing times. xxx