The sobercoaster

Day 46, and, as is obvious from my two posts yesterday, I'm on a real emotional rollercoaster at the moment.

I've heard people talk about the 'honeymoon period' of sobriety, so I looked it up. There are, it seems, several stages of 'recovery'. The 'honeymoon period' is characterised by feelings of confidence and optimism about your life and a sense of well-being and being in control. Oh yeah, baby, that was me!

Sadly, the phase which follows 'honeymoon' is called 'the wall', and generally runs from around day 46-120. Day 46!!! That's exactly where I am! How irritatingly predictable I seem to be.

'The wall' phase is all about boredom, depression and questioning. Oh God - that doesn't sound much fun!

I remember Mrs D, In Mrs D is Going Without, talking about the end of the 'pink cloud' phase being followed by a period of doing lots of weeping.

As 'enthusiastic drinkers' we are used to blurring all our emotions, and now we have to get used to facing up to them, all raw and clear and sharp edged.

I feel very much like I did in the first few weeks after #1 was born. Initially I freaked out - they expect me to be responsible for this baby with no experience? With no user manual? Are they crazy? What if I kill her? Very much like my initial panic about stopping drinking.

Then you go through those blissful, cloud like first 3 weeks where you're all loved up and cossetted. Everyone's there to help. The baby's asleep all the time. You're inundated with flowers and presents and happy hormones. You think 'I am earth mother. I am a natural. This is a walk in the park.'

That's been my last few weeks. Pink cloud. Honeymoony loveliness (relatively speaking).

Then the lack of sleep kicks in. Husband goes back to work, the visits dry up, the baby gets colic and you feel overwhelmed, exhausted and lonely. You ask your husband to buy a cabbage as the leaves are supposed to help with mastitis and he comes home with a cauliflower! (That actually happened to me). Divorce beckons.

That stage is The Wall. That's where I am now.

How high is it? How wide is it? What's on the other side?

Huge thanks for your comments on my last post - they really helped, and I love you all.

SM x