Feeling Down. Fighting the Witch.

I'm posting this on Sunday evening instead of Monday morning, so apologies to those of you who subscribe by e-mail if you get two posts together.

I've got a busy day tomorrow, so won't have much time to write. Plus, I've got so used to using this blog as therapy that my first instinct when I'm feeling down is to write.

So, today the husband, kids, dog and I went to meet two other families for a picnic in a nearby garden square. Lovely sunny day, old friends, gorgeous gardens - what's not to like?

As we all gathered round the picnic tables the two other wives confessed to feeling ropey due to overdoing it at a party last night. Oh joy - my favourite conversation - other people's hangovers!

I was just feeling that warm glow of self satisfied smugness, when I realised that the party they were all at was hosted by mutual friends of ours (a couple who are always on our party list) and we hadn't been invited.

"Don't worry," said friend #1 reassuringly, "it wasn't a very big party. Not like their huge annual Christmas bash."

I should have remained silent at that point, but I confessed that we've never been invited to their 'huge annual Christmas bash' either.

Embarrassed silence. Shuffling of feet and changing of subject.

Now, had I been drinking, I would have just poured a large glass of wine at this point and forgotten about it. It might have bothered me again at about 3am when I'd get my usual dose of alcohol induced insomnia, but I'd be feeling too muggy headed and angsty about all sorts of stuff to think about it at all clearly.

As it was, sober, I sat there feeling embarrassed, sad, paranoid and cross.

I've had many moments over the last 98 days when I've felt like a teenager in a good way. Energetic. Enthusiastic. Optimistic. But today I had a terrible dose of teenage angst. All that 'does everyone hate me?' sort of stuff that I thought I'd left behind years ago.

It struck me that maybe all my social confidence has been totally false. I'd always rather prided myself in not caring too much about what other people think of me, but maybe all I'd done is to drown out all those feelings of inadequacy rather than deal with them.

I've read many people say that when we start drinking too much we stop maturing. We get emotionally stuck in an era pre alcohol. And there I was, a stupid, immature little girl feeling all self conscious and unloved.

And then it's so easy to think "oh bugger it. Everything's f****d up anyway, I may as well just crack open a bottle of wine and forget about it all."

But I won't. I'll just make a hot chocolate and go to bed early. After all, in the words of the indomitable Scarlett O'Hara, "tomorrow is another day." And it's day 99.

Love SM x