This weekend (day 41/42) was very much a game of two halves.
On the plus side, on Saturday I finally experienced what I'd read about in other sober blogs and memoirs: a real flash of elation.
We were in Holland Park with #1, #2, #3 and the dog. The children were playing hide and seek in the adventure playground. Husband was reading the weekend FT in the sunshine. The dog and I went for a wander - looking at the hugely diverse groups of people you find in Central London relaxing and frolicking in the warm spring sunshine.
Then, out of no-where, I felt a bolt of pure joie de vivre and love like I haven't felt since the legendary Judge Jules played at The Cross back in 1995. "This is it!" I thought, "this is what I've been promised!" Then it went. I'm sure it'll be back, though.
On the minus side (and the two things are definitely related), by Sunday evening the massive cravings were back with a vengeance.
I think that in the early stages of sobriety you are constantly on high alert. Because you are thinking about not drinking all the time, you always have your armour up. It's like the picture of a Roman battalion in #2's Roman Project (God, that was a nightmare. Enough to drive any mother to drink) book. The soldiers march forward slowly in 'tortoise' position - with shields positioned to protect their sides, front and back, and even over their heads like a shell.
As time goes on, you manage to forget about not drinking for whole minutes - or even hours - at a time. It's such a relief to have some lovely clear headspace. But, as a result, you let your shields down. Your Roman soldiers head off to the hot baths, the mess tent and the brothel. You are left exposed.
Where are my armies? Up your sleevies! (You can tell I spend too much time with children ;-))
So then, when a craving hits you it's feels like you're sitting on the toilet minding your own business, when the door flies open and you're confronted by an angry dwarf pointing a crossbow straight at your chest.
(Aarrghh! Sorry! Sorry! It's the Game of Thrones obsession coming about again! Did I mention that season 5 breaks in the UK tonight??)
My craving last night didn't just last ten minutes, the way they're supposed to. I spent hours feeling angsty and tetchy.
Thankfully I'd been reading up on visualisation (see yesterday's post I am Khaleesi), and I let loose all 3 dragons at the wine witch who, finally, slunk off into a corner.
Today I'm thinking of new reader Red, who unleashed Khaleesi yesterday too, and hopefully made it through to day 2 unscathed.
Stick with it, friends. We can do it.
Love SM x
Related Post: Fed up Friday: Angst and Wobbles