Day 85.
It's a bank holiday weekend, and the beginning of half term, here in the UK. In an effort to prove to myself that life still goes on without alcohol - I appear to have overdone it. Rookie error.
We had two families round for a barbeque lunch on Saturday. In typical UK Bank Holiday fashion as soon as we fired up the Barbie it began to rain. We moved inside and started eating at around 2.30pm.
They didn't leave until 7.30pm.
In the old days this would have been a result. A valid excuse for a whole afternoon of non stop drinking! Not now.
We must have finished eating by 3.30pm. Unlike back then (when, by this stage, I'd have given up any pretentions of 'proper hosting') I remembered to offer everyone coffee and chocolates. I'd cleared all the plates. Loaded the dishwasher. And they all just sat there drinking.
Don't get me wrong. It was great fun. The conversation was hilarious, and at several points I laughed until I cried. But - to steal a word from a comment left a while back by mythreesons - I felt itchy.
I really wanted to be able to turn up the dimmer switch, slump down in my chair and just go with the flow. I was way to upright and aware to be able to spend four hours at a table without eating or drinking.
By 5pm I wanted to stand on my chair and shout "RIGHT! You've eaten my food. You've drunk my booze. Now just EFF OFF out of my house." But I love them all, and they were having fun, and I couldn't.
By the time they did go home I had a crashing headache and realised that I'd been literally gritting my teeth for several hours. I was proud of myself, but utterly exhausted.
Then, yesterday, I woke up with a feeling of dread as the realisation dawned that I had to do more socialising. Again, a lovely invitation. Dinner at the house of some very good friends. But all I wanted to do was to hole up in my safe little house with my safe little family and watch Mad Men with a cup of hot chocolate.
I did the dinner. It was fine. But I found myself analysing everything I was saying as I was saying it. Was that funny? Why am I telling this anecdote? Is this gossip really appropriate?
In the old days I just said stuff without thinking. It probably shocked people, or upset them from time to time, but it was easy. It was natural.
Funnily enough, I now remember being this analytical about conversation way back in my teens and early twenties. Probably the last time I did dinner parties relatively sober. Apart from when I was pregnant. And that was easy. You could just sit back in your chair, quietly and serenely stroking your precious bump, then leave early without any qualms.
As we drove home (drove home! Now there's a bonus!) I asked The Husband "am I more boring when I'm not drinking?"
"How can I possibly answer that?" he says, exasperated. "If I say no you'll worry that you spent years boring everyone. If I say yes you'll worry that you're boring everyone now. You weren't boring then. You're not boring now."
He's right. I'm never going to know the truth.
I've realised that it's a bit like learning to walk again after an accident. You just have to take baby steps. And this long (so long!) weekend, I've been trying to run a bloody marathon!
What are we doing today? Going to old friends in the country for lunch. More socialising. More drinking. More itching.
My advice to any of you in the early days? Protect yourself. Take it easy. Baby steps.
Love SM x
For more on sober socialising read: The Drunkard Detector, Tartan and Tiaras, Blast from the Past
I sympathize 110%! the socializing in small groups now is quite a new challenge - i have been feeling like an observer in those settings. it's okay, i keep telling myself, it's going to take far more than 46 day to get used to this new me
ReplyDelete'observer' is exactly the right word! We're not used to that, are we?!
DeleteI am starting to get it. It's only Day 16, and already we have had two social occasions with friends, which have been really boozy. Not ready to "come out", I have disguised my soda water in a plastic cup (camping) and used the driving excuse for the other. Both times were really pleasant, but I found myself wishing for a hot shower,bath robe and book by * in the evening. ( By the way, LOVED Mad Men, despite the copious amounts of whiskey and vodka :) )
ReplyDeleteI avoided 'Mad Men' for years, Wine Bitch, as (working in advertising) it was too close to home, but now I'm loving it! You're doing brilliantly. Love SM x
DeleteI so sympathise with you! Last summer during one of my sober stints I went to a close friend's birthday weekend away with loads of families. I realised that, really, drinking WAS the activity - drinking on the beach on Friday night, followed by drinking all day at a BBQ in the rain (well it was Scotland..) followed by a Sunday sitting on the cold beach...yes, drinking. Amazing how boozing creates a time-warp that you can't access when you're sober so, man, does it feel loooong and it's a struggle. Think that experience contributed to my next Day 1 so baby steps are wise words! X
ReplyDeleteI've done those Scottish beaches! You really do need hip flask ;-). So true about the time warp. Time concertinas when you're drinking... Hugs SM x
DeleteYou are definitely doing too much. I have become quite antisocial now. Drinking really does seem to be the main pastime of adults. I prefer time with my family. Today we went cycling, yesterday cinema, interestingly the social invites have dried up, I think I used to organise most of them, oh well I found out who my friends are at least people still want to see you.
ReplyDeleteOh, you sound sad, Lucy.... Are you ok? SM x
DeleteI feel sad more often than I used to but that's because I am now understanding my emotions rather than blocking them out. Maybe suddenly growing up twenty years after I should have!!!
DeleteRecognized myself in this post. I went out on a couple occasions and turned into a bitter angry person who was not drinking. I was wondering if I was boring. I was wondering if people got tired of my sour expression. In the end, I started canceling some of the social outings just because I am doing so much better at home.
ReplyDeleteIts tricky. I remember a lovely bbq last summer which was so lovely sober esp when compared to the horrible one before it which was my last drunk escapade. Clearly we don't provide as much amusement sober but then I am not as hard work either!
DeleteI think most of us drank over social anxiety. Or we are just so used to drinking now that it seems odd to not be so self focused.
ReplyDeleteNo one notices, especially if they are drinking. They are only concerned about what they say or their next drink. It's sad, but true.
My advice - leave when you feel like it. Don't push you're
Self to be the life of the party. Do what feels right for you.
I host a lot less often now. My sober husband would just tell people to get the hell out when he is tired of them. Lol
And after a while I decided our house is alcohol free. I don't need to accommodate others. It makes me happy to have it that way. And my kids prefer it too.
Take care. Yoi are doing great!
That's really interesting, I wonder how many of us just maintain the "normal drinking atmosphere" in our own homes to prove to people that we may not be drinking but we are still FUN....if we were vegan, people wouldn't expect to come to our house and eat meat would they? It would certainly separate the real friends who enjoy our company regardless of whether we drink or not, from the "drinking buddies". Over the last year, i have managed to distance myself from some "drinking friends" as I have struggled to moderate, and I realise now (newly sober) that I never really had anything in common with them except the shared love of wine.
DeleteI thought that way for a while. That just because I was sober I didn't have to impose on others.
ReplyDeleteBut I just find people unpleasant when they drink too much. And a lot of our friends were heavy drinkers.
Plus, kids see everything. Mine are 10 and 12 now. They much prefer our house be kept pleasant and drinker free. They never seemed overly concerned about the drinking that took place - there would always be parties with parents and kids on weekends, sporting events, etc. but I can see we were setting a bad example.
I think the trick is not to host, at least for a while. That way you can run away when necessary! Re kids, it's incredible how quickly they acclimatise to the new you. 3 months may feel like no time at all for me, but for my kids its AGES. They seem to have forgotten what boozy Mummy was like already - thank heaven.
DeleteI'm so lucky that I was the biggest drinker of pretty much all of my friends. I haven't had any parties or social events planned at home yet as I do think it's too soon for me. I don't mind going to something as long as I know I can leave when I want to. Thanks SM though, it's defo something to keep in mind. xxMtts.
ReplyDeleteso wise, tts. I just came to the same conclusion myself. DON'T HOST! That was my big error. I'm loving your blog! SM x
DeleteI so appreciate the advice at the end of the post to "protect yourself" and "take it easy". I am on Day 8 and have made it through a long weekend and one of my kids birthdays. Both were great excuses to drink too much in the past. I am feeling happy that I resisted but also ashamed at how I would have handled the weekend if I didn't make this huge change.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great Relentless! Don't beat yourself up about the past. You're doing something about it - many don't. You rock. x
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