Wednesday 20 May 2015

Full Circle

Day 80! There's something beautiful about round numbers. This one reminds me of one of the children's jokes. Q: "What did the zero say to the eight?" A: "Nice belt!

Appropriately, given that I'm already on the topic of zeros and circles, this post is about coming full circle.

This is my 68th post. Eighty days ago I never would have imagined that I'd be able to find so many topics to ramble on about. I keep a list on my iPhone called 'blog posts', and whenever a relevant thought pops into my head I stick it on the list.

The list items are a bit like fish in an aquarium (spoiler alert: another analogy approaching). They swim around for a bit. Some of them get bigger and stronger and more acrobatic. Some die, end up floating belly up and have to be fished out. Some cannibalise  friends who are just a bit too similar to them, and end up an amalgamation of two or three different fish.

Each morning I open up the aquarium, peer in and see which fish is throwing itself out of the water with enthusiasm, and that's the one I write about.

About three weeks ago I wrote 'full circle' on the list. I wasn't sure quite what that fish was all about yet, but I thought I'd let it swim around and see what happened to it. That fish kept bugging me. I knew it was important, but couldn't quite work out why.

Then I read one of Anne's brilliant posts (see Ainsobriety). Anne had taken my tiny little common old garden goldfish and turned it into a gorgeous, tropical Angel fish! Suddenly the 'full circle' thought made sense!

The reason I'd become interested in the full circle idea was that, yet again, I'd been thinking back to my pre drinking days. I remembered that when I was at boarding school I started THE DIARY.

THE DIARY (that's a JOURNAL in American) was a huge lever arch file into which I wrote religiously every day. I added photos, letters and news clippings.

THE DIARY wasn't private. I let all my friends read it. I also encouraged them to add their own news and comments. In fact, it was - in those pre-interweb days - a rudimentary blog! And I loved it. We would all gather round it reading back over our antics from the previous year "Weren't we all so immature and pathetic!" we'd shriek about our antics in the lower sixth.

Not only did I have THE DIARY, but I was constantly writing. I wrote most of the end of year comedy skits, taking the mickey out of all the staff. I wrote 'odes' for all my friends - long, comic poetry - on birthdays and for other significant events.

Over the years I stopped doing all of that. Until about 6 months ago (when I started writing a book) I hadn't written a thing except e-mails, thank you letters and work stuff for twenty years. In fact, it was probably starting the novel that got me thinking about quitting the drink.

So, here I am, full circle. Back to writing THE DIARY every day, and sharing it with my friends, encouraging them to add their comments.

Here's what Anne wrote on her blog a couple of days ago. She'd heard Wayne Dyer, self help guru, speak at a conference, and she said: "What stayed with me from his talk was the idea that at the end of our journey we will recognize it as the place we started. The circular path of life. The returning to source."

She, and Wayne Dyer, had blinged up my little fish!

Then I thought, if I've come totally full circle, does that mean the last twenty years were a complete waste? Where would I have been if I'd gone in a straight line???

But, you know what? I reckon that everyone comes full circle eventually. It wasn't the drinking that created the circularity. It's the self analysis caused by the stopping drinking that allows you to see it.

Big, circular, hugs to you all. SM x





12 comments:

  1. What a great read this morning with my coffee. I never thought about this full circle idea but now that I've been sober for 144 days, I can truly see that it's exactly where I'm coming from. My circle is bringing me back to my childhood and allowing me to come back to living that way..... one day at a time and in the moment. I love love love this post!
    You're a great writer....love the analogy of the fish tank!
    Have a blessed day
    Jen

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  2. What a great read this morning with my coffee. I never thought about this full circle idea but now that I've been sober for 144 days, I can truly see that it's exactly where I'm coming from. My circle is bringing me back to my childhood and allowing me to come back to living that way..... one day at a time and in the moment. I love love love this post!
    You're a great writer....love the analogy of the fish tank!
    Have a blessed day
    Jen

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    1. Thanks so much, other SM! I love your writing too! x

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    2. Am trying to see if I can post.....

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    3. That worked, Edinburgh Housewife!

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  3. Dear SM,
    Maybe some things come as a spiral, as I don't go back the same way, but up!
    Hugs!
    Wendy

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  4. Oh my goodness where to start! I woke up last Monday morning and just thought enough is enough! Vaguely remembered stumbling to bed the night before and worrying if I was over the limit to drive the kids to school. It's the wine for me too with the odd g&t thrown in to top up. Also mid 40s university educated full time mum with 3 kids. So much guilt and self loathing. I stumbled across your blog after finding the soberistas website and both have been a huge inspiration and support to me. I want to stop drinking for so many reasons. There is no way I can maintain this level of drinking for another 10 or 20 years and with 3 young children i don't want to die young and leave them :-( I really feel I have no choice and, although I'm feeling tearful and emotional most of the time, at 11 days in I also feel hopeful and excited about a future without alcohol. Thank you for blogging. It REALLY helps! How did we get to this? So many of us in the same boat xxx

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    1. Welcome EH! And huge congratulations for making such a brave and clever decision! Have you read Jason Vale 'Kick the Drink' yet? If not, please do - it really helps in the early days to stop you feeling deprived and miserable! Your life is about to get a whole load better! Yay! Love SM x

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  5. I ordered it last week but it hasn't arrived yet. There was only 1 copy left!

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    1. Lol! Maybe we've caused a run on Jason Vale! He should give us a cut ;-)

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  6. Thank you letting me know I blinked your fish. Lol
    Just think- if we only went in s straight line we might be way further down than we wish. Sometimes circling back is the smart choice.

    Anne

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