Falling off the Wagon

I'm in Scotland for Christmas.

I drove up here yesterday, with three children, the dog, and a car packed to the gills with presents. It took nearly ten hours. Mr SM is still working, so is following by train tomorrow.

Today, the kids and I ordered a turkey from the local butcher and bought a Christmas tree, which we lovingly decorated while dancing to cheesy Christmas tunes.

I was feeling smug.

So smug that I posted this picture, on Facebook and Instagram, of my favourite Christmas ornament hanging from the tree.

I should have known what would happen as soon as I started feeling like I was really good at this whole Christmas thing. Pride does, after all, come before a fall. And it was a really big fall.

Just an hour after we finished, all nine foot of tree came crashing down onto the kitchen floor, decapitating the Christmas Tree Fairy and smashing some of my favourite glass ornaments as it went and crushing all the lovingly wrapped presents beneath.

Bollocks.

In the old days, this would absolutely have been a trigger to open a bottle and proceed to get plastered. In fact, this very house, in the middle of nowhere in Scotland, was the scene of my last relapse.

Christmas is a magical time, but one that is loaded with such high expectations that it's inevitable that stuff will go wrong. It's never going to be as perfect as the Christmas of our imaginations, which is why it's a really common time to fall off the wagon.

Plus, there's that nagging voice saying go on. It's Christmas. You can quit again as soon as it's done.

So, for any of you who are struggling, I thought I should provide a link to an old post of mine on falling off the wagon, how it happens, and what to do if it does. It tells my relapse story, and if you check out the comments below it, you'll see similar stories from many of my readers. You can find it here.

The truth is, it's just not worth it. One drink never is one drink. Before you know it, you're back at square one and starting a new year with a whole belly full of regrets.

So don't give up on giving up now! Read my last post on how to make a sober Christmas fabulous (click here). It's going to be amazing, just you wait. And once you've done Christmas sober once, it's never as hard again.

In other news, The Sober Diaries (the warts and all story of my first year sober) is out in just six days in paperback! You can read the first few chapters for free using the Amazon 'look inside' feature. You can find it here.

There's also information and inspiration daily on the SoberMummy Facebook page.

Merry, merry Christmas to you all!

SM x

Falling Off the Wagon

I've had a number of e-mails and comments on the blog recently from people who've recently fallen off the wagon. Sometimes after just a few days, sometimes after months or years.

If that's you, and you're thinking aarrrgghhhh! Now what do I do? Then this post is for you....

A dive off the sober wagon generally starts with the same thought process. It goes something like this:

It's really not fair that everyone else is drinking and I'm not. It's summer/Christmas/my birthday/a funeral (delete as appropriate). I really deserve to be able to celebrate/commiserate/de-stress (delete as appropriate).

It's been AGES since I had a drink. By now I'll have 'reset' my relationship with booze. I'll be able to moderate! It's not as if I was a 'proper' alcoholic. I'll just have one, then stop. I'm older and wiser now. I know the dangers.....

Sound familiar?

So you have that one drink.

Now there are two ways that this can go. The end result is the same, but the path there is different.

Scenario One

You have that one drink and it's like coming home.

You think hello, old friend. I've missed you. 

But one isn't enough. It's just a teasing reminder of what you were looking for. A peak-a-boo from behind the fingers. So you have another. And another.

Before you know it you're on a bender. You wake up in the morning feeling terrible - physically destroyed and emotionally distraught. You know there's only one thing that can fix this terrible black hole: more booze....

Scenario Two

You have that one drink and you don't even enjoy it that much.

It tastes a bit like vinegar. Mouldy socks.

You think blimey, was that what all the fuss was about? Then you think yay! I'm cured! I don't even like booze much any more!

So, a week later, at another party, you feel confident enough to have another one. Actually, two this time.

Before too long you're drinking a glass or two most nights, and a bottle at weekends. Before much longer you're back to exactly where you started, dazed and bemused and thinking how on earth did I let that happen?

I know you'll be reading this thinking ah, but I'm different. We ALL think that we are different. Yet the main thing I've learned from this blog is how spookily similar we all are, despite our variations in ages, locations, nationalities and backgrounds.

So, if you've just fallen off the wagon, then here's what to do next...

Pick yourself off the highway, grab onto the chassis with both hands and haul yourself back up as quickly as you can.

The problem is that even one little drink kick starts the wine witch right back into action. After days, weeks, months or even years of training her to stay in her box and keep quiet, she's back with a vengeance.

In scenario one, she's saying: oopsy daisy. You've really blown it now. Never mind, you might as well go for it for a day or two and quit again next week when you've re-gathered your strength. You know you can quit again - you've done it before. Easy peasy!

In scenario two, she's saying: see! I told you so! You can moderate! You're a 'normal drinker'. Woo hoo. Carry on baby!

But the truth is the longer you carry on drinking, the stronger the wine witch gets, until before long quitting seems just as impossible a task as it did last time.

In fact, this time it's even harder to gather up the enthusiasm, the energy, the excitement. You know it's going to be tough and you just don't think you can face it right now.

(And now there's this little inner voice saying: you failed. You're useless. You'll never do this).

Perhaps next month, when things are a bit easier....

But if you climb right back on, as quickly as you can, you can treat it as a bump in the road, a cautionary tale, a salutary reminder. It'll be hard for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but you won't be back at square one, not by a long shot.

Check out the comments below, for relapse stories from lots of my readers. Do please add your own.

Onwards and upwards (and sometimes a little bit sideways),

SM x

P.S If you're a serial falling-off-the-wagoner, and can't get past the first few weeks, then please, please read this post: The Obstacle Course

The Sober Diaries, the warts and all story of my first year sober, is now out in paperback! Click here.