Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Booze and Marriage

Last week it was our fifteen year wedding anniversary.

My marriage was one of the things that worried me the most about quitting the booze, and I know from many of the e-mails I receive that I wasn't alone in this.

I thought Mr SM would be horrified at losing his drinking partner and I mourned, in advance, all those romantic evenings over a bottle (or several) that we'd no longer share.

No more giggling like children over terrible jokes, clinging to each other as we stumble up the stairs and slurring I really, really love you, I do.

(Click here for my posts from back then: Not the Girl he Married and Not the Girl he Married, Part 2).

I confess, there are still a few moments that I miss. But the truth is those fun moments are fleeting, and they are followed by hours - if not days - of grumpiness and recriminations.

I may not be the wild party child I once was, but I'm much nicer, more thoughtful, even tempered... I'm a much better wife.

And as for Mr SM - he's transformed!  I never asked him to stop drinking around me, but, because I'm no longer egging him on, he generally only drinks at weekends and has lost at least a stone in weight.

The new healthy living regime has spurred him on and he's even taken up pilates! He keeps muttering about 'six packs' (not the booze related variety) and 'ab cracks'. My husband is starting to look seriously hot.

The day after our wedding anniversary, (when we still giggled like children over a fabulous dinner out, just with less stumbling and slurring), Mr SM sat down on our bed (purchased just before our wedding) which promptly collapsed beneath him.

I do hope this is not a sign.

Mr SM found some old bathroom tiles in the cellar and used a stack of them to prop up the broken corner of the bed, which means I'm back to spending every night on the tiles. Ho ho.

It's really hard to nurture a marriage when you're spending all your time wrapped around a bottle. And if you're not careful, you'll find that you left it too late.

Liam Neeson, whose wife Natasha Richardson died in a ski accident five years ago, says it much better (in a recent Facebook post) than I ever could:

Spend time with your spouses. Treat them well. Because, one day, when you look up from your phone, they won't be there anymore.

What I truly learned most of all is: live and love every day like it's your last. Because one day it will be. Take chances and go and live life. Tell the ones you love that you love them every day. Don't take any moment for granted.

Life is worth living.

And so say all of us.

Love SM x


14 comments:

  1. Congratulations on 15 years! Just read your two other posts as well. My husband and I were great drinking buddies and I also sometimes miss the silliness. Apart from that, the 'new' us much better. I feel like I really connect with him and we fight less. Really loved this post. Makes me think of a quote by Einsten: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

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  2. Congrats on the anniversary.
    Mrs F never drank much anyhow so it wasn't a big deal. She was never my drinking buddy, I drank away from home most of the time. The only time I remember any real tension was just weeks after I came out of rehab. We decided to go on the prearranged family holiday - we'd booked a cottage in Isle of Wight. However commonly we'd pop into a pub for a pub lunch. One day we walk in and are just about to order and I'm like "I can't be in here we have to leave". That led to grumpy hungry wife, anxious worried me, grumpy hungry kids. My wife wasn't best pleased. But since then - never been a big deal.

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    1. Well done you, knowing when to scarper, Graham!

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  3. Mr. S has never been a drinker, which I find funny because he took me to a wine bar for our first date when, most likely, I showed tendencies of someone who didnt know her limit. The strange bit is he has always encouraged my drinking. "Have a glass with dinner", "Im out of town, drink as much as you like" or even "I bought you this case of wine, but try not to drink it on nights Ill be home".

    We had a lot to adjust for when I decided I truly had a problem. Im now in the process of change while he stands by questioning.

    At least you have a hottie husband to attribute to your sobriety. I have a skeptic and a naysayer "cheering me on".

    Happy anniversary and like always, thank you for your blog and your candor.

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    1. How I hope he gets in your corner soon. Why sabotage - to whose benefit??

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  4. SM - The Neeson quote couldn't be truer. Coming on 3 years a widow....the last couple years weren't near as good as 'the good ones.' Some of that, I might have changed....if I hadn't been so worried, exhausted, totally tamped out and almost incapable of remembering that there'd been 'good,' what that had been like. .I try not to lay guilt on myself. But I surely have regret.

    Look up! Share a hug. Speak kindly....we just never know.....

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  5. Aw that's lovely. Read it recently on fb and loved it. So true altho am maybe not basking in martial bliss. Let's just say stopping had helped me as a person to be a better person. I try to be kinder and that's easier sober. Not sure if it has improved my relationship with hubby but it enables me to cope better during difficult times xxx

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  6. SM this made me cry.

    It's been one of my worries that it will create distance between me and my hubbie and he will long for the crazy wild child partygirl to return! He isn't a big drinker at all and over the last 25 days he has cut down and also has told me twice after nights out that I am just naturally bubbly and seem so much happier! I had got to the point where I was getting argumentative, sad and just generally bored of my life when I was drinking. I suppose that's why I'm sad, I regret I didn't do it sooner, anyway I am doing it now so that's what matters!

    And the Liam quote gets me because at the moment I am constantly on my phone reading yours and Mrs D's blog!!!! Ooooops sorry hubbie!!! Thanks again for a fab post xxxx

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  7. Congrats on 15 years...I worried that we would split, drinking was my way of coping with an unhappy marriage...but nearing 28 years I am still here, and sober. He has never been my drinking buddy, that I thought was the problem - ha!! He is still not in my corner, but we are working on things, and I have noticed that I am more patient with him, more kind...so for me it has been a good thing. I even considered asking him to go on a retreat with me...maybe next year.

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  8. Happy anniversary. Great post. Echo a lot of what is said above. Mr SFM is thankfully very supportive of my sobriety. I am so much of a nicer, better person since quitting that it's a no brainer for him not to be supportive I would have thought. But then again he has never been a big drinker - one of those who's able to just have 1 or 2...... and when he does have more .... good reminder of how I'll never miss a hangover. Plus he always has a sober driver.... what's not to like. When I think back to how much I was drinking and so many of the awful states I've been in - I dread to think that my rock bottom would probably involved mr SFM leaving me. Thankfully the new improved SFM is a much more affable wife - and the calmness of my sobriety certainly helps me deal with his foibles. All you newbies - keep on keeping on - I'm so sure that as time goes on neither you nor your hubbies will regret this amazing wonderful thing you are doing.

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