Sunday, 17 January 2016

Sad Days

Even after several months sober, and even after surviving a cancer diagnosis, you can still get sad days.

Today was one.

The trigger for my general ennui was an e-mail correspondence (or lack of one) with a friend (or maybe an ex friend) I've known for twenty years.

Just before Christmas X send round a group e-mail announcing a new online business she's set up.

I replied congratulating her, wishing her and her family Merry Christmas and adding something along the lines of: So sorry, but I'm not sending Christmas cards this year. I've got breast cancer, which is a bit of a bugger. It's all going to be okay, but can't do cards on top of everything else.

Then I waited. No flowers. No 'phone call. Not even a quick one line e-mail reply. Nothing. Tumbleweed.

Hang on! I thought. Which bit of I'VE GOT CANCER did you not understand?!?

But, I'm sober now, and all level headed and sensible, so I figured that she was horribly busy with Christmas and the new business and stuff, and let it go.

Then, a few days ago I got another group e-mail from X, this time announcing a change of address.

I sent a reply wishing her luck with the move, and adding something along the lines of:

Finished radiotherapy, thank goodness, and would love to meet up. It's been too long.

Then I waited. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

In the old days I would have opened a bottle, had a bit of a rant, then got maudlin. The next day I'd have a hangover and paranoia. I'd feel even worse.

As it was I reminded myself that I, better than anyone, know that you have no idea what goes on in other people's lives. Who knows what she's dealing with. Perhaps it makes my silly old malignant tumour seem insignificant.

Plus, it's perfectly possible that I have, somehow, upset or insulted her and she's deliberately ignoring me. You can't spend ten years as a terrible lush without some fallout. It would be entirely my fault.

So I didn't get angry. And I've learned that when you have sad days, rather than blot them out with booze the best thing to do is indulge them.

I played lots of old tunes from my youth, and did a bit of nostalgic, therapeutic weeping. I ate some ice cream (purely medicinal), and now I'm planning a bath and a lounge around in PJs.

Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.

Love SM x

30 comments:

  1. It's sounds like a cliche but it's only when you go through hard times that you find out who your trus friends are. My precious Dad died last year and I texted my friends to tell them. One of my 'friends' just replied 'gutted' and that was that. I have realised that she is not a friend, anytime we have arranged to meet for a girls' night in the last year she has let us down at the last minute and gone drinking with her husband instead. She was also always the one giving me hard time every time I tried to stop drinking saying it made her feel 'on edge' me not drinking, which has made me drink again just to please her! Anyway, the last time we did meet up she drank a whole box of wine and fell flat on her face cutting her nose, ha ha, karma! Don't let this woman get you down SM, some people are too wrapped up in themselves to care about anyone else. Seriously, you don't need friends like that, they are a dangerous threat to your precious sobriety. You are much loved on here! Hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So sorry about your Dad, Duchess. I hope he's looking down and is proud of you :-) xx

      Delete
  2. Sounds abit like me and my best friend (apart from the cancer). I have been thinking - is it me? What have I done wrong? It makes me sad but the older I get, the more I realise this is life. Friends come and go and sometimes we need to let go. However, for us, on this occassion we just need to sit tight, remember the good times and trust in the universe that things will come back to us. Or evolve. Time will tell. Have faith. LNM x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Disclaimer - see my comment below x

      Delete
    2. Thanks for the disclaimer LNM, but actually I think you're right about letting it go and trusting the universe.... Hugs xx

      Delete
  3. This is a real shame. I hope it's some consolation that you've made some new friends on here, who really do care about you and how you're doing, and also appreciate how much you give to others. I think you're awesome, and I look forward to hearing from you on your blog all the time. I hope your naff day turns good and you wake up feeling on top tomorrow. In the meantime, here's a large virtual bear-hug. Red xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you're awesome too, Red. Bear hug back x

      Delete
  4. Actually scrap that. It applies to me and my bff, but for you - what a bitch she is! I have a friend who is fighting ovarian cancer and I can't stop thinking about her. We're not good friends but I care enough about her to keep in touch/bake her a cake/let her know she is in my thoughts. Petra can go jump (unless she has a REALLY valid reason for not being in touch) ;-) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sending prayers for your friend LNM. Breast cancer is a walk in the park compared to ovarian. Hope she gets through it xxx

      Delete
  5. Oh, hugs SM. Had a similar thing with an old friend, and I concluded that all my bullshit had pushed her away....no actual evidence of that of course, what do you do? Just move on and hope that one day, there will be an email or a phone call. But it does suck xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think same is true here, WB. It's inevitable.... Hugs x

      Delete
  6. I'm feeling sad today as well, for different reasons, but sad the same. It's Sunday morning here in California and I was thinking how a big glass of wine would just make me feel ???, then I decided to read your blog for the strengh. As you write in such a way as to not only inspire me, but move my soul. I'm will just go with the day and know it's okay to be sad. Tomorrow always brings something new...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry you're feeling sad Lia! Just remember, drinking today is borrowing tomorrow's happiness. Tomorrow's going to be great ;-) x

      Delete
  7. I don't think human beings can handle rejection of any sort. It is so hurtful. I don't think it gets better until it's resolved. It's so hard if you put yourself out there esp with a friend. The whole online thing just makes it insane thou. Hope you feel better soon. I bet your friend will get in touch and it's nothing you did xx.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right, Kats - I think technology makes everything more tricky! Hugs to you x

      Delete
  8. Sorry to hear about your sad day and well done for not letting it derail you. If this person is important to you, I'd confront her about it. Feeling sad and confused signals to me that you don't value yourself enough as a friend for her to care about. (Self esteem alert!!) You are worth more than that. You have a right to feel mad, not sad, or at very least the right to an explanation.. Has she even opened your replies and read them?? (I.e not just the top line in the preview pane!). Anger is a healthy emotion and one that many people turn inward and drown rather than expressing for fear of how it's expressed and interpreted. Anger does not have to be aggressive, you are merely asserting your right to be treated with respect. Whew! Rant/lecture over!! Day 16 and I'm finding my voice again!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Just a thought SM, she may be sending those group emails purely as part of the business set up and not reading replies...may even be someone else sending on her behalf. Paranoia is all too easy, I know and have been there, but a simple explanation may be that she's not seen your news. x

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi SM, just reading the replies here lets me feel some of the radiated warmth and depth of affection that is generated by your friends here. Go to bed feeling as safe and secure as you can, there are a lot of people thinking about you and willing you to make a full and speedy recovery.

    Justonemore

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right, JNM. I love you all x

      Delete
  11. Hi SM. I'm so sorry that happened and that it's understandably made you feel sad. I know exactly what you mean as something similar happened to me this week. I was writing a blog post but mid edit I found out that someone I knew had died. Strangely it happened to be relevant to what I was writing about so I included it. One of my readers, who happens to be someone very close to me, emailed to say how the post had affected her which was lovely but totally ignored I'd put on there that my friend had died! Actually she regularly responds to issues in my world by pointing out how they highlighted difficulties she finds in her life. She doesn't really support me when I'm in need but expects me to run to her side again and again. I've decided to stop believing she'll change and think about anyone but herself. I guess sometimes we just have to move on. But it doesn't stop you hoping you were wrong… Love SPB xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So sorry about your friend, SPB, and about your reader's (lack of) reaction. Have you already given us all your blog address? I'd love to read your post. Hugs xxx

      Delete
    2. Thanks SM. I haven't put my blog address on here yet but it's… singleplusbaggage.blogspot.co.uk . It's about being in our 40s (ish) and the baggage we've accumulated along the way. It's written from the perspective of a recently single woman - that's me! It's about finding out who I am again but my married readers have said it rings true for them too as their kids get older and their world changes. I hope it makes you smile! Love SPB. xxx

      Delete
  12. Yesterday seems to have been a universal sad day. Some of my Soberistas friends, some of my family, ... People having sad days. You are right that the personal victory in your sad day is that you didn't turn to wine. But rather than just let the sadness be, maybe you should contact her, but not as a reply to that group thing. HOw could a true friend (or even a not true friend) ignore what you shared with her? It's unfathomable. Do you have a private email or phone number so you could text something? Maybe just that you have been going through something devastating and could use her kindness now??? This is very sad, so very sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Gosh people are so strange sometimes. I had a similar experience after my 2nd miscarriage where I met with 2 friends for coffee and a chat and they didn't even mention. It was surreal. It's hurtful but hey ho we keep on going xxx

    ReplyDelete
  14. You handled it like the lady you are!
    Well done!
    Pengo

    ReplyDelete
  15. Am really sad for you that this has happened. People can be odd about things like this though, bit like bereavement. I didn't tell many people (my next door neighbours still don't know) and thinking about it, its may be because I was afraid of peoples reactions. Perfectly nice people can be a bit shallow I suppose and some thing are outside their experience. Doesn't excuse it though as its rather rude, but people are. Hope you feel better today x

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi SM - I was ever so sad to read that you'd had a sad day. You help so many of us and have been through so much recently - you don't deserve a sad day - and I hope you're feeling much less sad about it now. Everyone above seems to have their own opinion - so you prob don't need any more - but for what it's worth here's mine. (plus the flood of support above indicates just what an inspirational and important person you are to all of us; and I have no doubt to all your other friends). Throughout my life I've found that when people behave in an inconsiderate or nasty manner which just doesn't compute and it hurts to your core - before long you hear that they were actually going through some pretty bad shit and you sort of feel sorry for them (only sort of because you're still a bit miffed about the way you've been treated (!). In a short while you will prob find out that she's splitting up from her husband or the business isn't doing as well as she'd have hoped or something. And if she really is ignoring you, has no compassion for what you've been through - she isn't worth wasting your wonderful time on. You rock SM - how many times can I say thank you for helping me transform my life in this amazing way. Lots of love SFM

    ReplyDelete