Wednesday 20 January 2016

Out of Control

One of the best things about not drinking is getting a sense of control back into your life.

Gradually you find that you're in control of your emotions (most of the time). No more unaccountable rage (see my post: Alcohol Induced Rage), paranoia or uncontrollable weeping.

Your life gets back in control. You get things done. You de-clutter. You start attacking all those little jobs (photo albums, anyone?).

You're in control of what you do and say. No more drunken texts, or accidental spilling of secrets.

And you're physically in control. Your weight stabilises (eventually). You no longer have to do that 'audit' when you wake up (how bad am I feeling this morning? How awful is today going to be?).

I've got rather used to all this being in control stuff, which has made the last week particularly hard.

You see, I've been taking Tamoxifen for the last two weeks. Only nine years and fifty weeks to go.

Tamoxifen is a wonder drug, and is one of the main reasons why the recurrence rates for breast cancer have fallen sharply over the last thirty years.

BUT it's making me feel really weird.

For the last few days I've had pretty constant low-level nausea. I'm exhausted. And my brain is totally fogged up. I have to try really hard to remember what I'm supposed to get done each day.

Last week I managed to totally forget #3's parent/teacher evening. I just didn't show. When I confessed, even #2 was really horrified (he said That's really BAD, Mummy, and his standards are low).

And it is bad! Entry level parenting: feed children three times a day, make sure none of their limbs fall off, and turn up for parent/teacher meetings once a year.

Then yesterday I was meeting a friend after the school run for a dog walk. I dropped #2 off, and had this odd feeling that I'd forgotten something.

I'd left the sodding dog behind!

I had to do an emergency loop back with #3 yelling "I'M GOING TO MISS RECORDER CLUB!" all the way.

I feel very much like I did for the first two or three weeks after quitting the booze. In fact, it's just like the early days of pregnancy.

And that's when the penny dropped.....

I had to stop using my regular contraception, because my cancer was massively hormone responsive. Hormones would act like rocket fuel on any rogue cancer cells that escaped.

But I've only taken a couple of teeny weeny risks, and surely you can't get pregnant by accident at the grand old age of forty six (nearly forty seven)?

I started to hyperventilate. Babies are, of course, a blessing. But I've been there, done that. I really couldn't start all over again with nappies and sleepless nights.

Plus you can't take Tamoxifen when you're pregnant, and see above re: hormones and rocket fuel. It is quite probable that a pregnancy would kill me, leaving three existing children motherless.

I couldn't face going into the chemist to buy a pregnancy test. I thought they'd laugh at me (ha ha, who do you think you're kidding, Grandma?).

So I ordered a whole load of groceries I didn't need via a supermarket home delivery service, just so the latest in digital display pregnancy tests could be delivered to my front door.

So, there I was, at the grand old age of forty six, peeing on a stick and praying madly like an errant teenager.

Three long minutes.

Then: not pregnant. (The actual words come up these days, not just a blue line).

HALLELUIA! Although, does that mean I get to feel like this for ten whole years?

That's when I made a huge error. I Googled side effects of Tamoxifen. Just like my oncologist had warned me not to do.

Hundreds of stories of women gaining two stone, going nuts and feeling awful, eventually quitting having decided that quality of life is more important than quantity. Fifty percent of women never finish a five year course, let alone ten.

Then this chilling statistic: one quarter of women taking Tamoxifen will die from breast cancer recurrence within ten years anyway.

Well, that made for a good night's sleep. Not.

I'm hoping that this is temporary, and that after a few more weeks the side effects will settle down. And I'm taking my own advice and focusing on gratitude (see my post: Gratitude).

I am (as far as we can tell) cancer free, and NOT PREGNANT. Hurrah!

Love SM x

31 comments:

  1. It gets better. My mom's been on it for about a year and a half. Granted, no fear of pregnancy issue for her (!). But now the only side affect seems to be occasional hot flashes. Hugs.

    Day 16 rocking along here!

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    1. yay on day 16! Thanks so much for your comment - really helps!

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  2. Oh bless you. Must be annoying to have ditched alcohol and now you have to take a different drug. Get hubby to have the snip or you will drive yourself mad as I know my hormones are rampant at 46 and I could pregnant in a jiffy. Lots of hugs xx

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    1. Can't wait to see his face when I suggest that one ;-)

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    2. Particularly if you tell him he can watch it being done!!

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  3. I feel for you. I've always had a bit of a forgetting thing going on (I once simultaneously arranged for No. 1 to have a friend over, but also go to a different friend - and only realised on the day itself) so I guess I've got used to it. Statistics can drive you mad. I think you need to go back to the one-day-at-a-time thing some people (me) use to give up booze, and ignore the stats (as No. 2 said, Statistics don't apply to the individual). And the tamoxifen has definitely not affected your ability to write, make us laugh, and hit the nail right on the head. Be kind to yourself, and give it time.

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    1. Love your playdate story mlc! It's reminded me that I used to do things like that BEFORE the Tamoxifen too!

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  4. How you manage to share your experiences in such a way to inspire and humour us at the same time marvels me! Give yourself some time with the Tamoxifen. My mother had breast cancer at 69 and is just about off the Tamoxifen. She had a difficult time with it the first 6 to 8 months, then it all settled in...she can't believe it's almost over. Go with the flow as best you can, you will survive this.

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  5. Congratulations on the non-pregnancy. Sorry you are feeling crappy SM, Hugs xxx

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  6. Oh what a shame you're feeling so rubbish. Imagine if you were still boozing!!! You'd be all over the place. I hope it settles down a bit and you might just have to take it easy for a bit. One of our school mums had twins last year - she's late 40s and already has 3 children so yes there's your blessing! Take care xxxxxxx

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  7. sending memory vibes your way SM, god know I need them myself. Have now left dog outside the shop twice....x

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  8. SM, Your body tolerated and adapted to an excess of toxic substances (booze) for more than two decades - and you came out just fine - look how great you feel now. No drugs are without side effects - but I'm confident that you'll adjust to this new chemical. There is a price to pay (side effects which hopefully will wane) for the benefit of keeping cancer free and living a long an healthy life.

    Statistics are all over the place - and websites are too - trust in your doctor, your body and yourself. Be gentle with yourself as you get used to the meds - and you'll adapt and adjust. Our bodies and brains are much more powerful than we realize (yes I'm consciously cribbing Annie Grace, but I believed that before I read her book).

    Take good care, Eeyore

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    1. Great way of looking at it, Eeyore - thank you! Am feeling better already!

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  9. First off...the RECORDER line from #3....hysterical. I believe that playing the recorder is a British childhood rite of passage. I can't WAIT until I can get my 3 year old one and she can torture me with "London's Burning"! Except I don't think they are really into recorders here in America.. (ex pat here in Denver, Colorado).

    On a more serious note, I concur with what Eeyore says...the interweb is dreadful for all those crazy stories and not sure it really helps us much.. Hopefully everything settles down soon.

    Congrats on not being pregnant!! I am 45 with a 3 year old and it is madness!!!

    Take care!!! Clare

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    1. Clare, you MUST introduce recorders to America ASAP. NO parent should be allowed to raise children without being tortured by recorder practice! xxx

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  10. THANK YOU!! I thought I'd have a log on after a (sober) productive evening doing paperwork and the line about the dog made me laugh out loud! I wonder if its like baby brain? I couldn't remember where I had put my son down once... Anyhow, sorry to hear about it feeling weird, but imagine how much weirder it would be hungover/tipsy/in the first days of withdrawal. Certainly worth being grateful for. xx (Day 19 for me... amazed with myself!!)

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  11. I hope you feel better soon!
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. thanks Wendy! Feeling better already, actually :-)

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  12. Crazy ass day! Feeling for you on your weird meds, I hope it gets better for you. Regarding preg scare: OH MY HELL!!!

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  13. Hi SM - so hope the side effects will settle soon. I'm sure they will - I was on absolute tenterhooks reading down the screen to reveal the pregnancy result!! You are so amazing to do the gratitude thing. It really does work though doesn't it (and thanks SWMum - I've started doing it with the family at dinner time). Now when can I buy that book of yours - you're such a talented writer - any book you've written is going to do awesomely. Lots of love - SFM x

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    1. Thanks, SFM! Must start writing that book...

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  14. I really hope you're feeling better today SM. When I was your age I had the snip as I couldn't stand the constant worry about being/ getting pregnant all the time, it was liberating, almost as wonderful as giving up drinking. Catherine xx

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    1. Good to know, Catherine, thank you! It would def be easier than persuading the husband to do it ;-)

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  15. Aww wish I knew you in 'real' life-would fetch the kids, walk the dog and tell you to put your feet up for a while! X

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