Understanding the Wine Witch

One of the keys to beating addiction is understanding the wine witch.

If you've ever been addicted to anything, you'll know instinctively what I mean. If you've never had an issue with moderation (lucky you), then this post may help you to get inside the head of those who do.

I really can't remember when I first met the wine witch. I think it must have been sometime around my late twenties. I know that when I was at University I would drink sometimes, and not drink at other times, and not think about it at all in-between. It just wasn't on my mind.

But, at some point, a little voice started to take up residence in my head. At first, it was barely noticeable, it felt just like another regular thought. It would say things like ooh, she looks fun, looks like she enjoys a drink or two. You should make friends with her! or Hey, it's still early! Why not have one for the road?

So far, so normal.

The problem with addiction is that it's progressive. Those thoughts which used to float by once in a while start to appear more often. You begin to be familiar with better buy an extra bottle, just in case you run out and what about a wine box? So much more cost efficient!

By the time I quit drinking, the wine witch was a permanent resident in my head, fretting about when I was going to drink next, how much I was going to drink, where I was going to buy the drink from, how many bottles were in the recycling bin, and so on.

Sharing your head with all of that on a daily basis is exhausting, as well as totally distracting. It's difficult to achieve anything else in your life when you're dealing with all the constant chatter.

So I quit.

The problem was, that when you start to fight your addiction, the internal monologue initially gets WORSE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU FEEL AWFUL! YOU NEED MORE WINE! YOU ARE BORING WITHOUT IT! LIFE IS BORING WITHOUT IT!

You start to feel like you're going a little crazy. You know logically, with your conscious mind, that the booze has to go, that it's no good for you, but your sub-conscious mind is still addicted - it hasn't caught up. You're effectively waging an ongoing battle in your own head.

This is where the wine witch comes in.

You need to give that voice a name, a personality, so that you realise it's NOT YOU. It's your addiction. And once you separate that voice from yourself, you can understand it, and you can beat it. You can't keep fighting yourself for very long, but you can fight an evil enemy.

Addicts choose different names and personifications for their addict brains. I love the wine witch, because wine was my thing. Alan Carr talks about a snake which has taken residence in your belly. George Michael sang about The Monkey.

Why can't you do it?
Why can't you set your monkey free?
Always giving in to it.
Do you love the monkey, or do you love me?

As soon as I named and pictured my enemy, I knew I could kill her. I understood that she would try every trick in the book to try to persuade me to drink, because that was how she gained her strength. I knew that the only way to destroy her was to deprive her of alcohol.

I would imagine blasting the witch with a machine gun. I'd fry her with my dragons (thank you, Game of Thrones). I'd clobber her around the head with my stiletto heels. I was The Bride in Kill Bill, wreaking furious vengeance whenever that witch stuck her head over the parapet and started bleating about just one won't do any harm...

The longer you go without a drink/drug, the weaker the wine witch or monkey becomes, their voice less strident, less insistent. But just one drink brings them back to life with a vengeance.

It takes a while to kill the witch. For me, it was about 100 days until she started quieting down, and six months before she really shut up.

Then, one day, I realised that I hadn't heard from her at all for some time. I was free. I had tapped my red shoes together and gone back to Kansas with Toto.

And that silence, that freedom, is the most magical feeling in the world.

To find out more about the ups and downs of the first year sober, read The Sober Diaries here (UK) and here (USA) in hardback, Kindle or audio.

I also post daily information and inspiration on the SoberMummy Facebook Page ('like' page to stay updated) and you can follow me on Instagram, @clare_pooley and Twitter, @cpooleywriter.

Love to you all,

SM x

5 Ways to Get Through Wine O'Clock

That's my actual kitchen clock.

I used to watch it tick, slowly slowly, towards that position, with the big hand on the twelve and the little hand on the six, when I could legitimately pour myself a (very large) glass of wine.

If you recently quit drinking (WELL DONE YOU!) you'll be finding that this is the very hardest part of the day. You're tired, stressed, fed up, and your go-to solution (possibly your only solution) to all of those feelings has, for many years, been booze.

You miss it! Of course you do! It leaves a big hole in your life.

But fret not, because over time you will find many better and healthier ways to fill that gap and to wind down at the end of the day - things that won't leave you feeling hungover, unhealthy and miserable.

The booze cravings don't last that long. You just need to find ways of getting through the next hour and then, if it's really hard still, go to bed early with a good book and a hot chocolate (hot chocolate has magical powers).

You'll wake up in the morning feeling AMAZING!

So, here are some great ways of getting through that witching hour. Do please add your own suggestions in the comments below!

1. Get Drinking

No, not booze, obviously.

I always, always pour myself a 'special' drink at wine o'clock.

There's no reason why you can't still relax in a great armchair with a yummy, adult drink and congratulate yourself on a day well done - just make sure it's alcohol free!

There are a HUGE range of great alcohol free beers now (Becks Blue was the only option when I first quit. As a result it still has a special place in my heart...).

My new favourite, however, is Seedlip - a fabulous alcohol-free distilled spirit, available from Amazon. It's not cheap, I'm afraid, but at least you won't be drinking the whole bottle in one sitting!

I even made a YouTube video (I know! I'm so trendy, right?) of how to make my favourite Seedlip mocktail. Click here.

A really good grown-up drink helps trick your brain into winding down. I sometimes think Becks Blue saved my life.

2. Get Distracted

Don't just sit there thinking about booze - get busy!

Exercise boosts your serotonin levels, giving you a natural high, as does getting outside, so go for a long dog walk, or a run - get away from the fridge with all its wine memories.

If you have young children at home and can't get out, then you could do what I did in the early days and get cleaning! Again, it's great exercise, it keeps your hands busy and your mind occupied, and you end up with a gleaming house. What's not to like?

3. Get Relaxed

If you can't face the physical exercise then try relaxation instead.

Why not just curl up in a good chair and read?

In the early days, I read everything I could get my hands on about booze. It fed the obsession, but also helped me realise that I was not alone and gave me knowledge, which is power.

If you haven't done so already, then read the Sober Diaries. Click here, and chose the 'look inside' feature to read the first few chapters for free.

Other recommendations are: Jason Vale's Kick the Drink, Easily - the book that changed my life. It will totally reprogram the way your brain sees alcohol.

My favourite memoirs are Caroline Knapp's Drinking: A Love Story and Sarah Hepola's Blackout.

I love a great page-turner novel based around a boozy heroine. Read Marian Keyes's Rachel's Holiday, Jane Green's Summer Secrets, and Paula Hawkin's The Girl on The Train.

There's also new inspiration and information about quitting booze posted every day at wine o'clock on the SoberMummy Facebook page. Click here to visit, 'like' page to stay updated.

A long, hot bath with bubbles, good music or an audio book, and low lighting is another great way of relaxing.

And here's a new trick I've discovered: SPACEMASKS.

They're awesome. They're funky eye masks that you pop over your eyes, then you lie back and chill as they heat up and release incredible aromatherapy stuff.

If you're having problems nodding off to sleep then this is your solution (along with a magnesium supplement at bedtime).

To find Spacemasks, click here.

You need to take time out and look after yourself. You are doing an incredible thing. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Let the kids play Minecraft for a bit.

4. Get Connected

In Johann Hari's incredible TED talk, he says that the opposite of addiction is connection, and it's true.

Find yourself a tribe - either online or in real life - who will give you love and support, and who you can help back.

My favourite online communities are Club Soda, Soberistas and Recovery Buddha (who you can find on Facebook), but there are many more.

5. Get Mindful

Mindfulness is a great way of relaxing and taking your mind off the whole booze thing.

You can us the Headspace App to guide you through ten minute mediations.

If, however, you're like me and meditating makes you feel like a bit of a pillock, then you can do anything that keeps you totally focused on the moment.

For some people that's yoga, or knitting, or gardening or art, or playing the piano - whatever floats your boat and keeps your mind and hands busy.

Love to you all,

SM x

When the Wine Witch Wins - Part 2

Day 94, and the UK press is filled with tributes to Charles Kennedy, the ex leader of the Liberal Democrat Party, who died 'suddenly and unexpectedly' on Monday at the age of 55.

The cause of Kennedy's death is not yet known, but it is widely assumed to be connected to his struggles with alcoholism and (its associated) depression, and possibly with the fact that Kennedy lost his seat, after nearly thirty years as an MP, in the general election last month.

Kennedy was, by all accounts, an extraordinarily talented politician, and a remarkable human being. He was loved and respected by members of all political parties, not just his own. He was brave and principled - the only party leader who spoke up against the war in Iraq, for example.

But he was bedevilled by the Wine Witch.

(Tallaxo tells me that, for men, it's a demon, not a witch. And he's male. And Kennedy's tipple was, I believe, whisky.)

Here is a link to an article written by Ming Campbell back in 2008 entitled 'How drink destroyed Charles Kennedy'. It describes, for example, how Charles was unable to speak at a meeting with Yasser Arafat in 2001 because he was so hungover.

On Budget Day in March 2004, Kennedy was expected at Prime Minster's Questions. When he didn't appear, Ming went to collect him and was blocked from entering his office by his PA because he had  'a stomach complaint.'

Eventually, in 2006 Charles stood down as leader of the party, citing a need to address his alcoholism as the cause, and his wife left him.

The article makes for uncomfortable reading, as I could imagine exactly what had been going through Kennedy's head at that time. He was a classic 'high functioning alcoholic' who kept everything seemingly under control, until the elevator, with a terrible inevitability, descended lower and lower, and he just couldn't control it anymore.

I can picture him at his desk thinking 'I'll just have one to steady my nerves before the Budget announcement.....perhaps a second will help take the edge off a bit....it's a long session, might need a third....' We've been there. We know the story.

In today's Guardian, Gaby Hinsliff writes: If Charles Kennedy’s death leads one or two to pause before unleashing mob scorn or fury, if it prompts an ounce more compassion for people whose lives might well be more complicated than they look – well, a fine liberal legacy that would be.

Hear, hear, Gaby.

Whether or not Kennedy's death was directly attributable to the whisky demon, it certainly had a massive negative impact on his life. What a waste of monumental talent. It reminds me of a quote that I reproduced in "Why ex-drinkers rock, Part 2" from Abraham Lincoln's Temperance Address:

"I believe, if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class. There seems ever to have been a proneness in the brilliant, and warm-blooded to fall into this vice. The demon of intemperance ever seems to have delighted in sucking the blood of genius and of generosity."

Farewell, Charles Kennedy. And, to all of you, don't let the wine witch (or the whisky demon) claim another victim.

Love SM x

Related Post: When the Wine Witch Wins

The Wine Witch

Day 91, and I've been thinking about the Wine Witch.

For me, the single most telling sign that you are no longer in control of alcohol, but it is in control of you is when you instinctively understand the concept of the 'wine witch.'

I only met her about 3 years ago. Until then, if you'd mentioned her name I would have had no idea what you were talking about.

Some people call her the 'inner addict' or the 'devil on the shoulder.' But, for many of us - particularly women - the 'Wine Witch' describes her perfectly.

At some point (for some, as soon as they start drinking in their teens, but for many of us not until our forties) she starts whispering in our ear, and from that moment on she becomes an increasingly intrusive presence.

The WW starts rather innocuously. She begins whispering "are you sure that's going to be enough? Perhaps best to buy another bottle just in case you run out." Then she gets a bit more competitive. Like "didn't he pour himself a much bigger glass than he poured you?"

She moves on to deviousness "Have a glass or two before you go out, then you won't need to drink so much when you're there." And ends up just plain weird "You bought wine from that shop yesterday. The cashier might remember. Go somewhere else."

The only way to shut up the wine witch is to drown her out - to give her as much alcohol as she wants. The reason why it's always a good idea to try moderating before quitting for good isn't just to prove to yourself that you can't do it, it's also because moderating is when the Wine Witch gets really loud and insistent. "ONE GLASS? THAT'S NOT ENOUGH! BARELY TOUCHED THE SIDES! WHAT ARE YOU? A WOMAN OR A MOUSE?" That's when you start to get the measure of your enemy. You know what you're up against.

I've been thinking about the WW since I went to stay at the parent's house (see Muscle Memory), because she started to become increasingly obvious when I was there. Which reminded me of another time when I couldn't ignore her any longer: Long Haul Flights.

Now I loved flying on Business. You were plied with free drinks, from the moment you got on the plane "complimentary champagne, madam?" to the moment you dropped off to sleep. "Digestif? Nightcap?"

But economy flights with the family were an altogether different proposition.

I became convinced that British Airways had changed their alcohol policy, that they'd become more parsimonious with the vino. Because whereas I used to be perfectly happy on long haul flights, they now made me really stressed. Surely they used to give you more than one drink pre dinner and wine with dinner? Now I suspect that the only thing that changed was me.

By the time we'd been through security etc. and boarded the plane I'd be desperate for a drink (despite the fact that I usually managed to have one in the airport). I'd have to wait until we were in the air and the trolley finally came out. I'd be riveted to the slow progress of the trolley down the aisle. For God's sake get a move on!!! Then, after dinner, and after the two smallish drinks I'd been given, I'd wrestle endlessly with the dilemma of whether I could call the stewardess over to ask for another wine.

I knew that if I did they'd give me one. I saw other people doing it (only a few, and mainly young men!). But I couldn't bear the idea of them judging me. Especially a mother travelling with three small children.

At moments like these the Wine Witch would go loopy. "CALL THE DAMN STEWARDESS! WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS!"

So when I first came across her name a few months ago on the Soberistas website it was like a light bulb switching on. Not only had someone named my demon, but I was obviously not the only one who'd met her.

I like to think that every day you go not drinking you drain more of the wine witch's power. Mine is now pretty much in a coma. She's still there, but she's weak, and she's not talking any more.

But the reason why you can't have one drink is that the wine witch never completely goes away once she's made herself at home. And one drink is all she needs to leap back into action. One drink and she starts saying "Look, that wasn't so bad, was it? Just one glass, like a normal drinker!"

Then, the next weekend she pops up again "You did so well last time! Have another. Just the one, mind." And that second glass gives her even more strength. Before you know it she's back, big time. Even more powerful than before.

If you're reading this thinking "Wine witch? What's she on about?" then pat yourself on the back. Feel grateful. Carry on drinking in moderation. But watch out, because once she starts whispering in your ear she's there forever.

Love SM x

We're in the News!

The front page of the UK's Daily Mail newspaper today reads "WARNING OVER MIDDLE-CLASS WOMEN DRINKERS." (If you want to read the full article click here)

Who knew? Well, all of us on this site, actually!

Apparently an OECD study has revealed that, in a study of 34 Western countries, the UK has the highest number of female graduates drinking 'hazardously' (20%, compared with only 10% of less educated women).

There is a direct link between your likelihood of being a problem drinker and the number of years you spent in education. Well that was three years at university well spent, wasn't it?

Mark Pearson of the OECD says "women are adopting men's drinking habits and they are not healthy...As women have moved into the labour market they have adapted to the male culture. Jobs where you can earn more are more likely to be jobs that have a lot of networking. It's the dark side of equality."

The study states that two thirds of alcohol in the UK is drunk by just 20% of adults. That proportion may have dropped since I quit 73 days ago. I swear my local off licence has seen a huge drop in profits.

The report also shows that the highest proportion of hazardous drinkers are in the 45-64 age group. Yep, that's me again (although only just, I hasten to add).

The OECD suggest that women with higher education tend to have more stressful jobs, more opportunities for socialisation and delayed pregnancies, all of which can lead to heavy drinking.

Apparently 'much of it is done at home, away from public view,' aided by supermarket online delivery services. Ocado: the neighbourhood drug dealer of the middle classes!

None of this is much surprise to me, or - I expect - to any of you. If you delve briefly into the sober blogosphere you'll see that the majority of authors, and readers, are middle aged women.

Many of us drank - heavily but 'normally' for decades thinking that it wasn't really a problem. Back then I would have looked at today's headline with interest, but without much concern.  But then, when we hit our forties something changed.

For me, looking back, the big shift at about the age of forty was the amount of 'headspace' taken up by my drinking. Until then I'd drunk a lot, but I only thought about drinking while I was actually doing it.

But then an increasingly constant, nagging voice appeared (we call her the 'wine witch'). She would say things like "better check to see if there's a spare bottle in the cupboard, just in case.....Have a couple of drinks before you go out so you don't need to drink too much when you get there.......Better not go to the nearest shop to buy wine, you went there yesterday.....Can I ask the air stewardess for an extra glass or will she think I'm a lush?......If the husband pours another glass there won't be enough left for me...."

Forget all the quizzes about how to know if you have a drink problem - if you immediately understand what we mean by the wine witch, you do.

We are the first generation of women whose mothers fought for equality. The ones who went to University and into top jobs and thought it our duty to keep up with the boys, and we're now hitting our forties.

How many of us are out there quietly drinking a bottle at home every night and fighting off the wine witch? Given that we all lie when asked how much we drink, I suspect that the OECD survey massively underestimates the issue.

But, hell, it's good to come top of something!

Onwards and upwards.

SM x

For more on this topic read: Why so many well educated, middle aged women drink too much, and Women and alcohol: a deadly relationship

First night out - I did it!

Yay! I did it! I sat at a table overlooking the city with four of the family for three hours and drank heavily - water! I told them that I'd 'given up for Lent' and they didn't bat an eyelid.  And the spooky thing was how little they drank. They all turned up sober and ordered two bottles of wine between the four of them.

Had I been drinking we would have ordered three bottles and I would have drunk one of them. On top of the 2/3 bottle I'd have drunk at lunch time, the half bottle I'd have drunk at home while getting ready and the large cocktail I'd have drunk in the bar before dinner. That's the equivalent of nearly 3 bottles of wine that I DIDN'T DRINK!

As a brief aside, the toilets in this fancy - and horribly pricey - restaurant were extraordinary! Once you sit down you realise that the door in front of you is mirrored, as are all the walls. What this means is that while you're doing your thing you get an extremely clear view of  - in my case - a woman who is well past her best on the lavatory with her tights and pants (that's underwear to you Americans) round her ankles. And when you stand up you get (just like when the hairdresser positions a mirror to let you see the back of your head) an equally scary view of your arse. It's enough to drive anyone to drink, frankly, and obviously designed by a bloke. Probably a pervert.

Anyhow, after that amazing victory, did the evil wine witch slink off defeated, tail between her legs?

Oh no! She whispered in my ear "you see, you don't have a problem! Give it a week or two and you can start drinking again! In moderation, obviously...."

Damn your lying eyes you foul hussy! I banish you to sit in a toilet cubicle with mirrored walls for all eternity!

First big night out sober!

So, day 6. I'm still feeling positive, but am exhausted! The initial rush of euphoria and energy (see ex-lush goes spinning) has been replaced with a bone deep tiredness. I'm sleeping like a small child - no more waking up endlessly to drink water and go to the loo, tossing and turning while wrestling with demons - but I still wake up feeling like I've been hit by a bus. I guess it's my body healing, which has to be a good thing.

So, tonight is the first night I have to cope with going out, rather than just watching TV on the sofa with a hot chocolate. It's a long planned family celebration at an extremely well known restaurant and nobody - except the long suffering and wonderful husband - is going to understand why I am not drinking. Given that I was the sort of drunk who drank large amounts over long periods of time, rather than binge drinking, they have never seen me fall over, black out, slur, do anything embarrassing. They (and I until recently) thought I was totally in control. I always had an 'off button'. That's why I never classed myself as 'an alcoholic'. It's just that my off button would click in after I had managed to drink two bottles of wine over the course of a day.

So, tonight, I imagine, will be lots of entreaties to "have just the one". From the evil wine witch as well as from my lovely family. What the family don't know (but the wine witch does) is that if I have just the one tonight I'll have just the two bottles tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Ex-lush goes spinning!

So, day four of sobriety, and I wake up thinking "Helloooo Morning!" (Mornings are so much better than evenings now, whereas the reverse is true when you are drinking, obviously).

The children think I'm crazy as I spend the whole of the school run telling them what a beautiful, sunny day it is. Then, in order not to dwell too much on the constant inner alcohol-obsessed dialogue, I decide to go to a spinning class! To put this in context, I am 46 years old and, thanks to thirty years of drinking too much, pretty out of shape.

So, there I am in a spinning class and, I kid you not, it's just like my old clubbing days! Same music, same lights, same hot DJ (fitness instructor) on a podium. The only difference is the stationery bikes. I'm surrounded by a bevvy of skinny, gorgeous twenty-somethings but I am not intimidated! I am thinking "You know nothing! I did the Summer of Love! I did the early nineties and ten thousand people standing in a field, dancing for 24 hours non stop. I did the Fridge, the Hacienda and Pasha back in the early days. I can do forty-five minutes of spinning!

And I did. And, you know, the endorphins were as good (well almost) as any of the mind altering substances back in the day. What's more, I didn't have to come out blinking into a bleak, grey dawn searching for a dodgy minicab to take me home.

Here's to an alcohol free life. Onwards and upwards!

Mummy Was a Secret Drinker....

....until 3 days ago.

Nobody knew how much I was drinking. Not even I knew how much I was drinking.

On the surface my life looked totally under control. I was never embarrassingly drunk. I never threw up. I never had black outs. My children were always at school on time - in the right kit, homework done. I made my family healthy, home cooked meals. My house was always tidy.

But underneath it all I was drowning in a sea of wine. Mainly Chablis (doesn't seem tawdry, does it?). And here's the truth *whisper it*: I was drinking between one and two bottles of the stuff a day. In fact, if I went out to a party at the weekend I could probably make it to three.

Arrghhh! Doesn't that look awful written down?

I never saw myself as an alcoholic. Oh no! I didn't drink in the morning. I never snogged strangers or got into trouble. I never even had to apologise for my behaviour. I must have been horribly boring and self obsessed, and often touchy and tetchy - but I had none of those disaster stories that you associate with AA. I guess I was - am - a high functioning alcohol dependant. That sounds much better. High Functioning. I've always liked to achieve at whatever I set my mind to....

Gradually I've begun to see the impact that the constant drip feed of terribly expensive premier cru vino has had on me and my family. I've been killing myself and wasting my life. I say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Damn you, you silky tongued back stabbing friend of a wine witch. Get out of my life and never come back with your false promises and subtle traps.

If you come across this blog please wish me luck, and check in to see how I'm doing. Thank you!