....until 3 days ago.
Nobody knew how much I was drinking. Not even I knew how much I was drinking.
On the surface my life looked totally under control. I was never embarrassingly drunk. I never threw up. I never had black outs. My children were always at school on time - in the right kit, homework done. I made my family healthy, home cooked meals. My house was always tidy.
But underneath it all I was drowning in a sea of wine. Mainly Chablis (doesn't seem tawdry, does it?). And here's the truth *whisper it*: I was drinking between one and two bottles of the stuff a day. In fact, if I went out to a party at the weekend I could probably make it to three.
Arrghhh! Doesn't that look awful written down?
I never saw myself as an alcoholic. Oh no! I didn't drink in the morning. I never snogged strangers or got into trouble. I never even had to apologise for my behaviour. I must have been horribly boring and self obsessed, and often touchy and tetchy - but I had none of those disaster stories that you associate with AA. I guess I was - am - a high functioning alcohol dependant. That sounds much better. High Functioning. I've always liked to achieve at whatever I set my mind to....
Gradually I've begun to see the impact that the constant drip feed of terribly expensive premier cru vino has had on me and my family. I've been killing myself and wasting my life. I say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Damn you, you silky tongued back stabbing friend of a wine witch. Get out of my life and never come back with your false promises and subtle traps.
If you come across this blog please wish me luck, and check in to see how I'm doing. Thank you!
Big bravo to you. How was your weekend? Or are weekdays harder? For me it's everyday, there's always an occasion. Happy Monday - you made it to another week. Happy Wednesday - nearly the weekend. Happy Saturday - enjoy the weekend. How to ride that wave of craving....thanks for sharing your story x
ReplyDeleteHi Julie, I am reading your book at the moment, which I find not only brilliant but I see every trait in me. I have gone 3 days sober? It’s been hard but I think I do feel better. Today I am on day 4, my husband is on nights and guess what? I have had a bottle of wine. Not only have I let him down and he has been so much better with me these last few days but I have let myself down. Don’t know if you will answer me, but if you do, please help xxx
DeleteHi Chameleon! Huge thanks for being the first person to post on my blog. How long have you been alcohol free? I still find every day hard, particularly around 12pm and 6pm when I find myself automatically thinking that it's time to crack open the Chablis! I find the best thing to do at those moments is to exercise or relax (with a book or at hot bath or something). Best of luck, and please stay in touch!
ReplyDeleteOh i'm not booze free, not quite ready to make that step. Just trying to cut back from the 1-2 bottles of red a day. As you do. There are too many red flags and I need to pull it in now before it really gets out of hand. That's my feeling anyway. Hot bath is a good suggestion.
DeleteI guess I consider myself a high-functioning dependent too. I still work full time, have kids, husband, a clean house and healthy meals. It's just I feel I need the wine as a buffer to all the stress and trauma in my life. It numbs me because the pain is too hard to deal with (and i've been in years of counselling mind you).
Just my thoughts.
Keep in touch too.
I so get you, Whimsical, but you might find that the booze is adding to the stress and trauma - that's the conclusion that I came to in the end. Try reading Jason Vale - Quit the drink - easily - that's what made me (finally) decide to give up.
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DeleteIt's so worth giving up....so wonderful to wake up every morning (after a great night's sleep) and not be full of regret and self-loathing. It's still hard but I cannot go back to that. I'm trying to make myself better.
ReplyDeleteGo girl! And may the force be with you. There are so many of us out there - we need to stick together xxx
DeleteI want to thank you for creating this blog. I am in my 40's, a busy mum, self employed, and consume in the vicinity of 1-2 bottles of wine every night.
ReplyDeleteOur stories sound very similar... on the outside it looks perfect. My house is always immaculate, the kids go to school with a gourmet lunchbox hair perfectly braided, I have a great network of friends, a wonderful husband, I love what I do, I eat healthy food and exercise most days. Perfect right? Ha!
My problem is that I get to 5pm every day and can't pour the wine quick enough. Sometimes it's earlier. I pretty much hold it together until the kids go to bed and then I let my hair down... opening a second bottle most nights. Weekends will be more. This has been going on for quite some time.
In the past I've gone periods of time without drinking... 2 months... 3 months... 6 months... usually as part of a weight loss mission. But inevitably I have that first drink and it's back on again. The 'just one drink' turns into 10... followed by the hair of the dog the next day... and the cycle continues.
I wake every morning feeling and looking like absolute crap asking myself the same question... 'What was I thinking?'. Everyday promising tonight will be different. However by 3pm I'm working out my route home via the bottle shop.
Anyway... 2 weeks ago tomorrow I woke up after a very social and boozy weekend. Monday morning and feeling like crawling back into bed... great way to start the week! I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't believe my reflection. I LOOKED TERRIBLE. I immediately got out my phone, took a closeup selfie and texted it to my sister. Her exact reply was 'JEEEZUS!!!!!! That gave me a nasty fright!!!!! You must have had a huge weekend. You look 70!'
And she was right. I did look 70. I looked and felt 70. And the scary thing is that I was looking like this most days... not just after a big weekend. For some reason I decided to have a good look in the mirror that morning and I was ashamed of what I saw.
So, that was 2 weeks ago and I haven't had a sip of alcohol since. In those first days all I had to do was look at that photo and I was reaching for the mineral water. I feel better mentally, physically, I've been sleeping better AND I've lost 4kg's.
I've been going to bed at 8.30 with my iPad watching YouTube videos of reformed alcoholics talking about how good life is for them now. I feel I've it's my own private AA session, lol! Anyway that seems to be helping for the moment.
I'm not sure if I'm 'never going to drink again' but what I do know is that there is no room for alcohol in my life at this time.
So thank you again for writing this blog and I look forward to reading your posts as I retreat to bed at 8.30pm... Woohoo!
Hi Vivienne! Thanks so much for posting. We are exactly the same! What's more I'm sure there are thousands more of us - seemingly keeping it all together (because we're Mums - we have to), but secretly self medicating all the time. A huge well done to you - please keep in touch. And aren't Sunday mornings the best now??? Love SM x
DeleteHi....I realize this is years after your initial quit...thank you for this blog, i just found it by googling...your story resontates with me just the same as Viviennes above...I am 7 days in, I'm mad because I can't stop thinking about wanting it....I'm just mad and frustrated and hate that I need something somuch...I wish I could be like others and just have one, maybe two glasses..I love the taste of wine, I love it...but two to three bottles at night, EVERY night plus more on the weekends and sometime throw in a vodka so it doesn't look like I drank so much wine...I have the shakes and a permanent headache...I'm in hate with myself right now....not sure if I can do this....high functioning alcoholic describes me to a T.....I am going to read through your blog starting from this first post every chance I get...wish me luck...Donna from Canada
DeleteVery relatable. 2 bottles a night of white wine. My son also made comments about me drinking wine all of the time. Once he took the straw off his Avengers cup and said it looked like a wine glass "like mummy". Ya, that was upsetting. I don't want him to ever do to himself what I have.
ReplyDeleteI've just started reading your blogs, back end of last week. I'm now starting at the beginning and will catch up-to-date. I'm still at the 1-2 bottles a day. The thought of never a G&T again saddens me. It'll be interesting to see how I feel when I've caught up with the latest blog.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog last night and I have to say it's the best thing I've read so far relating to giving up drinking! I'm struggling myself with it having given up 3 months ago and falling off the wagon one week ago. But I'm back on the wagon and staying strong one day at a time even though the temptation can be really hard sometimes. Thought I would start at the beginning of your blog because what you are saying I can so relate to and its really encouraging reading your journey. Thank you so much xx
ReplyDeleteHi Diana! Thanks so much for posting. So glad the blog has helped. Best of luck to you - please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. Love SM x
DeleteI am relieved to find someone like you-who is like me. I am a professional woman with an amazing work ethic, a clean home, an adored and cherished son, and at night I drink a bottle of wine and/or have a "few" beers.
ReplyDeleteNo one would ever know I drink as much as I do. I have never had a DUI or thrown up in public or started drinking as soon as I woke up or anything messy like that.
However, I realized I stopped making plans at night if it meant driving because I couldn't stop myself from drinking right after work. My son would want to go get ice cream and I would have to say no because I couldn't chance driving him anywhere after dinner.
I was a responsbile alcoholic. I was a safe alcoholic-at least that is what I told myself. But being responsibly drunk and safely drunk wasn't what I envisioned for myself anymore. And I started to realize it was like when I was a smoker. Suddenly everything was about when I could drink, would there be drinks at the party, did I have enough to drink at home for the evening, could I sneak a beer or two before going somewhere just in case.
So I stopped. I haven't had a drink since Sunday. Not very long I confess, but the longest I have ever gone without a drink since I was pregnant. Eight years ago. And typing that out is like hitting myself in the solar plexus. How did this happen?
I don't know yet how it happened. But I know I want it to stop.
Thanks for your blog. I will be reading along as I take each day one day at a time without alcohol.
Hi Oak Tree! Welcome and congratulations! You've made the best decision. Good luck, and stay in touch xx
DeleteI can totally relate to you Oak Tree - your words totally echo my drinking. Sadly, I haven't yet managed to stop. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteGreetings from the US:) Amazing blog! I've been reading and catching up on your blogs for about 3 weeks now. So inspiring and encouraging. Bought Jason Vale's book. Really changed my outlook on alcohol. Got through 10 days without drinking (really good for me) but then fell off the wagon when my brother-in-law came to visit. I'm back, day 5 today. Your blog and Jason V. have changed everything for me. I never intended on completely stopping drinking, because that seemed absolutely impossible. Can't be done. No one in their right mind does that! I was hoping to just get a few days of sobriety in during the week. I'm also a 2 bottles of white wine a night girl:) Have a great job, wonderful son, husband and I have our ups and not-so-ups, but pretty much good. I have no good reason to drink. But I do. And then I hate myself. I'm beyond tired of the self-loathing. I can't hate myself like this any more. Already I feel so much better about life. I now think that a life of sobriety can be done. I want that. I want to experience what that feels like. If 10 days of non drinking can feel that good, what does never drinking feel like? How amazing every person in the world who doesn't have this dependency must feel. I want in! Oh, I also watched The Fall thanks to you. Thank you for everything!
ReplyDeleteWelcome, Dark Angels! So glad you found me! Keep on at it - it's worth it xxx
DeleteDay One here - day one was yesterday but I was beaten by the wine witch for no good reason at all. I have been inspired by your blog and have ordered Jason V today. Thank you for your blog x
ReplyDeleteDAY 1 today. I have got to do it this time, your blog is very helpful. Alcohol messes with me. I have a great hubby and two lovely little girls but after many failed attempts I need to do this. I eat really healthy and I work out BUT alcohol is ruining me! So after a great weekend away with my lovely family which consisted of 4 glasses of wine & 3 beers Friday and about the same on saturday and sunday Ive decided its time to do this. BUT my hubby is a drinker as are my parents, family and close friends. We are off to Spain in 3 weeks for a week with friends, how the hell am I going to get through it?? x
ReplyDeleteI've just found your blog after deciding 2 days ago that enough is enough. Can't count how many times I've failed to quit but I know that somehow, I have to do this. It's been 15 years of self loathing after I drink, after I fail to quit, and after I'm irritable with the children yet again. Those around me don't see the problem so I'm glad that I've found a group of people that do! X
ReplyDeleteI am so happy I found this. I cannot believe there are so many women just like me. It helps. Day 1. Again. But this really gives me hope. I was sober for 2 years. Now I make it about 10 days before the wine trouble sets in. I know I can do it though! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteDecided to revisit your beginning, as I am now revisiting mine. Day 2. Thank you for putting yourself out there, and in doing so, you have united and uncovered a wonderful community of so many of us alcohol dependents that are lost in this grey zone of drinking addiction. xo.
ReplyDeleteHi Clare I heard you on Steve Wright and really resonated with what you say. I too drink really heavily and yes, I am an functioning alcoholic. I work in advertising like yourself. I am really wanting to quit for many reasons. And have done for a time. I have a bottle of Disulfiram on my bathroom cabinet and keep wanting to get back on it. I lost weight, I slept great, and I felt great. But then the Wine Witch came to my attention again and I came off the pills. Stupidly I thought I could manage without them. So hear I am again 3 dress sizes later and feeling very sorry for myself. I have ordered your book and the Jason Vale one. And I am going to my counsellor again tomorrow. Keep fingers crossed!
ReplyDeleteI found you here a few days ago and already read your book on Kindle. Thank you! I am 5 days without wine today. I am one of those high functioning alcohol drinkers...I have a full time job, will receive my Master's degree in IT in two weeks, raised two wonderful sons, have a wonderful husband, trained for and ran 9 marathons, and have never been in trouble due to drinking. However there was obviously something missing in my life as I could finish a box of wine (4 bottles) in two days by myself. It got worse and worse over the years until a few days ago when I said "Enough!". I have been gaining weight the past few years...first blaming it on large fibroids and then on blood pressure medication. After many diets and no weight loss I finally decided to give up the drink - which I knew I have had to do for many years now. I feel pretty good, dropped a couple pounds already, and look forward to feeling even better day by day. I still think about wine constantly...even now although it is only 8am where I am. Cheers to us all for pursuing this.
ReplyDeleteJust starting ( again).
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna make it this time.
Thanks for your very real, hilarious commentary on what is for me a serious situation.
Hi I have had the worst two weeks of a "staycation" at home and a result (because he has seen how much I have been drinking) I have been given the long overdue ultimatum from my husband to sort myself out. I read 3/4 of your book yesterday and intend to finish it tonight. I have also gone back to day one here on your blog and intend to read all of it. I am a high functioning alcoholic with a beautiful 8 year old who I adore with all of my heart, a great husband and my forever home. Consuming 2 bottles of Pinot every single day - never anything else. Its slowly poisoning me hence my name like death by chocolate..... Day one today - I have some becks blue's ready chilling in my fridge and zero alcohol in the house so fingers crossed. Here goes. Thank you for doing this - this - your book and this blog are going to change and hopefully save my life - much respect.
ReplyDeleteHello... I am SO inspired by your journey that I have just joined up and wanted to test out my pseudonym ... it's all a bit techy..
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story, I feel I know you very well and really really like and admire you :) xo
I've just finished reading your book and now found your blog. It has completely inspired me.
ReplyDeleteI'm a one (occasionally two) bottle of red wine a night girl - more at weekends. Have not long turned 50 I am overweight, my face feels puffy and have now hit to menopause. I need to get my life under control.
I function perfectly - nice clean house, happy husband, two happy children, part time job I love and lots of hobbies but the wine always has to be there in an evening.
I haven't stopped. At the moment I don't feel ready to stop completely. But I now have no alcohol in the house. I haven't had a glass of wine (or beer, or port, or prosecco or gin and tonic) for 10 days and have only been out one night - last night. Shared a bottle of wine with a friend and after having just one and a half glasses last night woke up as fresh as a daisy this morning.
I am already sleeping better and feel as though I have more energy. I never really realised that I was always a little hungover and jaded on a weekday morning - I never felt drunk after a bottle of wine. Its only now, waking up each morning having had no alcohol the night before, that I realise that I was never feeling 100% in a morning.
Off to discover the rest of your blog.
I'm 54...worked out a few days ago that I've been binge drinking for 38 years! 38 years..sweet mother of Jesus! Bar 2 pregnancies, almost most weekends, mine start on a Thursday btw....but on holiday, every day of course...hating myself with each hangover etc...the thought of sitting with my partner in a cosy country pub sipping diet coke instead of a g+t is utterly depressing...but I need to stop, probably permanently! I hope I can find the next section of your blog xx
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI am Wine witch No: 4654844613136
I am 24, I've been drinking heavily since the age of 19. Ive read every self help book tried the stop October thingy! and still continue to write this drinking my favorite tipple a "gin tin"
Gordan and me are best friends, until I take the absolute piss and destroy our relationship and most relationships around me.
I got into drinking to relax, to stop over thinking constantly, to block anything out. To have fun to be the party girl who could drink the most, when in reality I am the unhappiest girl in the room.
I got into drink whilst in a vile relationship for five years and havent stopped since.
Every week I come up with new ideas on how to stop. But fail miserably every single time. I think my family think i am ridiculous as I come up with bright ideas all the time while sipping gin or white wine.
I can not have one, I am all or nothing. I wish i did not like alcohol, and I wish I could drink sensibly.
I drink every night, manage 3 jobs and manage to function pretty well considering the tole it takes on my body. I still do it every single day without fail. Its like I owe it to myself.
In reality it will destroy me if I do not take control.
B X
I know this is years later but I am listening to your book and really wanted to come back to the beginning so I can follow your journey as I go through it at the same time. I'm so proud of you and hope to be as proud of myself one day. I've already gotten past the first weekend, 2 parties, and a serious craving to stop at a liquor store on the way home. Hope you're well and I hope you know how much you and your messages are appreciated!
ReplyDeleteYou are my inspiration. Your book is amazing and sits on my bedside table as a reminder that I don't need a wine. I'm 7 days sober and feeling good. I have a long journey ahead but my two young daughters need a healthy, strong and inspiring mum, they are a constant reminder to stay sober and healthy. Thank you. X
ReplyDeleteHi, I'm on day 27 and have just found your blog. Just going to start at the beginning and read everything . Stu .
ReplyDeleteHi I just finished your book and I’m on 83 days sober!! Your book and story has given me so much HOPE and I can’t thank you enough!!! ❤️❤️
ReplyDeleteThank you, SM, for making me feel less alone.
ReplyDeleteYou have inspired me to think that maybe I need to write these things down too. It has made me feel a little stronger. Like - 'well, I've said it now, I'll have to stick to it'.
Day 2. https://anaesthetisedlife.blogspot.com/2021/05/day-2.html?m=1
I have come here to hopefully find the courage and determination among your comments to live the life i deserve, my children deserve and my husband deserves. And my dog. I'm hoping he will enjoy all the early morning and wine o'clock walks that he will accompany me on!
ReplyDeleteToday will be day one of giving up the booze and cigarettes. This blog and everyone’s comments give me hope it is possible…even at 50! Life is passing by so fast and I feel like NOW is the time to just start once and for all! Luck to everyone here.
ReplyDeleteJe viens de découvrir votre blog maintenant, nous sommes en 2022 mais les mots sont tout aussi pertinents 7 ans plus tard. Je fais le chemin tel que vous l'avez fait. J'ai 10 jours de fait et je compte bien poursuivre. Tu as tracé le chemin et je le suivrai . Merci.
ReplyDelete