Thursday, 5 March 2015

Mummy Was a Secret Drinker....

....until 3 days ago.

Nobody knew how much I was drinking. Not even I knew how much I was drinking.

On the surface my life looked totally under control. I was never embarrassingly drunk. I never threw up. I never had black outs. My children were always at school on time - in the right kit, homework done. I made my family healthy, home cooked meals. My house was always tidy.

But underneath it all I was drowning in a sea of wine. Mainly Chablis (doesn't seem tawdry, does it?). And here's the truth *whisper it*: I was drinking between one and two bottles of the stuff a day. In fact, if I went out to a party at the weekend I could probably make it to three.

Arrghhh! Doesn't that look awful written down?

I never saw myself as an alcoholic. Oh no! I didn't drink in the morning. I never snogged strangers or got into trouble. I never even had to apologise for my behaviour. I must have been horribly boring and self obsessed, and often touchy and tetchy - but I had none of those disaster stories that you associate with AA. I guess I was - am - a high functioning alcohol dependant. That sounds much better. High Functioning. I've always liked to achieve at whatever I set my mind to....

Gradually I've begun to see the impact that the constant drip feed of terribly expensive premier cru vino has had on me and my family. I've been killing myself and wasting my life. I say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Damn you, you silky tongued back stabbing friend of a wine witch. Get out of my life and never come back with your false promises and subtle traps.

If you come across this blog please wish me luck, and check in to see how I'm doing. Thank you!

21 comments:

  1. Big bravo to you. How was your weekend? Or are weekdays harder? For me it's everyday, there's always an occasion. Happy Monday - you made it to another week. Happy Wednesday - nearly the weekend. Happy Saturday - enjoy the weekend. How to ride that wave of craving....thanks for sharing your story x

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  2. Hi Chameleon! Huge thanks for being the first person to post on my blog. How long have you been alcohol free? I still find every day hard, particularly around 12pm and 6pm when I find myself automatically thinking that it's time to crack open the Chablis! I find the best thing to do at those moments is to exercise or relax (with a book or at hot bath or something). Best of luck, and please stay in touch!

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    1. Oh i'm not booze free, not quite ready to make that step. Just trying to cut back from the 1-2 bottles of red a day. As you do. There are too many red flags and I need to pull it in now before it really gets out of hand. That's my feeling anyway. Hot bath is a good suggestion.
      I guess I consider myself a high-functioning dependent too. I still work full time, have kids, husband, a clean house and healthy meals. It's just I feel I need the wine as a buffer to all the stress and trauma in my life. It numbs me because the pain is too hard to deal with (and i've been in years of counselling mind you).
      Just my thoughts.
      Keep in touch too.

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    2. I so get you, Whimsical, but you might find that the booze is adding to the stress and trauma - that's the conclusion that I came to in the end. Try reading Jason Vale - Quit the drink - easily - that's what made me (finally) decide to give up.

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  3. It's so worth giving up....so wonderful to wake up every morning (after a great night's sleep) and not be full of regret and self-loathing. It's still hard but I cannot go back to that. I'm trying to make myself better.

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    1. Go girl! And may the force be with you. There are so many of us out there - we need to stick together xxx

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  4. I want to thank you for creating this blog. I am in my 40's, a busy mum, self employed, and consume in the vicinity of 1-2 bottles of wine every night.

    Our stories sound very similar... on the outside it looks perfect. My house is always immaculate, the kids go to school with a gourmet lunchbox hair perfectly braided, I have a great network of friends, a wonderful husband, I love what I do, I eat healthy food and exercise most days. Perfect right? Ha!

    My problem is that I get to 5pm every day and can't pour the wine quick enough. Sometimes it's earlier. I pretty much hold it together until the kids go to bed and then I let my hair down... opening a second bottle most nights. Weekends will be more. This has been going on for quite some time.

    In the past I've gone periods of time without drinking... 2 months... 3 months... 6 months... usually as part of a weight loss mission. But inevitably I have that first drink and it's back on again. The 'just one drink' turns into 10... followed by the hair of the dog the next day... and the cycle continues.

    I wake every morning feeling and looking like absolute crap asking myself the same question... 'What was I thinking?'. Everyday promising tonight will be different. However by 3pm I'm working out my route home via the bottle shop.

    Anyway... 2 weeks ago tomorrow I woke up after a very social and boozy weekend. Monday morning and feeling like crawling back into bed... great way to start the week! I walked into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't believe my reflection. I LOOKED TERRIBLE. I immediately got out my phone, took a closeup selfie and texted it to my sister. Her exact reply was 'JEEEZUS!!!!!! That gave me a nasty fright!!!!! You must have had a huge weekend. You look 70!'

    And she was right. I did look 70. I looked and felt 70. And the scary thing is that I was looking like this most days... not just after a big weekend. For some reason I decided to have a good look in the mirror that morning and I was ashamed of what I saw.

    So, that was 2 weeks ago and I haven't had a sip of alcohol since. In those first days all I had to do was look at that photo and I was reaching for the mineral water. I feel better mentally, physically, I've been sleeping better AND I've lost 4kg's.

    I've been going to bed at 8.30 with my iPad watching YouTube videos of reformed alcoholics talking about how good life is for them now. I feel I've it's my own private AA session, lol! Anyway that seems to be helping for the moment.

    I'm not sure if I'm 'never going to drink again' but what I do know is that there is no room for alcohol in my life at this time.

    So thank you again for writing this blog and I look forward to reading your posts as I retreat to bed at 8.30pm... Woohoo!

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    1. Hi Vivienne! Thanks so much for posting. We are exactly the same! What's more I'm sure there are thousands more of us - seemingly keeping it all together (because we're Mums - we have to), but secretly self medicating all the time. A huge well done to you - please keep in touch. And aren't Sunday mornings the best now??? Love SM x

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  5. Very relatable. 2 bottles a night of white wine. My son also made comments about me drinking wine all of the time. Once he took the straw off his Avengers cup and said it looked like a wine glass "like mummy". Ya, that was upsetting. I don't want him to ever do to himself what I have.

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  6. I've just started reading your blogs, back end of last week. I'm now starting at the beginning and will catch up-to-date. I'm still at the 1-2 bottles a day. The thought of never a G&T again saddens me. It'll be interesting to see how I feel when I've caught up with the latest blog.

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  7. I came across your blog last night and I have to say it's the best thing I've read so far relating to giving up drinking! I'm struggling myself with it having given up 3 months ago and falling off the wagon one week ago. But I'm back on the wagon and staying strong one day at a time even though the temptation can be really hard sometimes. Thought I would start at the beginning of your blog because what you are saying I can so relate to and its really encouraging reading your journey. Thank you so much xx

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    1. Hi Diana! Thanks so much for posting. So glad the blog has helped. Best of luck to you - please keep in touch and let me know how you're doing. Love SM x

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  8. I am relieved to find someone like you-who is like me. I am a professional woman with an amazing work ethic, a clean home, an adored and cherished son, and at night I drink a bottle of wine and/or have a "few" beers.

    No one would ever know I drink as much as I do. I have never had a DUI or thrown up in public or started drinking as soon as I woke up or anything messy like that.

    However, I realized I stopped making plans at night if it meant driving because I couldn't stop myself from drinking right after work. My son would want to go get ice cream and I would have to say no because I couldn't chance driving him anywhere after dinner.

    I was a responsbile alcoholic. I was a safe alcoholic-at least that is what I told myself. But being responsibly drunk and safely drunk wasn't what I envisioned for myself anymore. And I started to realize it was like when I was a smoker. Suddenly everything was about when I could drink, would there be drinks at the party, did I have enough to drink at home for the evening, could I sneak a beer or two before going somewhere just in case.

    So I stopped. I haven't had a drink since Sunday. Not very long I confess, but the longest I have ever gone without a drink since I was pregnant. Eight years ago. And typing that out is like hitting myself in the solar plexus. How did this happen?

    I don't know yet how it happened. But I know I want it to stop.

    Thanks for your blog. I will be reading along as I take each day one day at a time without alcohol.

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    1. Hi Oak Tree! Welcome and congratulations! You've made the best decision. Good luck, and stay in touch xx

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  9. I can totally relate to you Oak Tree - your words totally echo my drinking. Sadly, I haven't yet managed to stop. Good luck.

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  10. Greetings from the US:) Amazing blog! I've been reading and catching up on your blogs for about 3 weeks now. So inspiring and encouraging. Bought Jason Vale's book. Really changed my outlook on alcohol. Got through 10 days without drinking (really good for me) but then fell off the wagon when my brother-in-law came to visit. I'm back, day 5 today. Your blog and Jason V. have changed everything for me. I never intended on completely stopping drinking, because that seemed absolutely impossible. Can't be done. No one in their right mind does that! I was hoping to just get a few days of sobriety in during the week. I'm also a 2 bottles of white wine a night girl:) Have a great job, wonderful son, husband and I have our ups and not-so-ups, but pretty much good. I have no good reason to drink. But I do. And then I hate myself. I'm beyond tired of the self-loathing. I can't hate myself like this any more. Already I feel so much better about life. I now think that a life of sobriety can be done. I want that. I want to experience what that feels like. If 10 days of non drinking can feel that good, what does never drinking feel like? How amazing every person in the world who doesn't have this dependency must feel. I want in! Oh, I also watched The Fall thanks to you. Thank you for everything!

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    1. Welcome, Dark Angels! So glad you found me! Keep on at it - it's worth it xxx

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  11. Day One here - day one was yesterday but I was beaten by the wine witch for no good reason at all. I have been inspired by your blog and have ordered Jason V today. Thank you for your blog x

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  12. DAY 1 today. I have got to do it this time, your blog is very helpful. Alcohol messes with me. I have a great hubby and two lovely little girls but after many failed attempts I need to do this. I eat really healthy and I work out BUT alcohol is ruining me! So after a great weekend away with my lovely family which consisted of 4 glasses of wine & 3 beers Friday and about the same on saturday and sunday Ive decided its time to do this. BUT my hubby is a drinker as are my parents, family and close friends. We are off to Spain in 3 weeks for a week with friends, how the hell am I going to get through it?? x

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  13. I've just found your blog after deciding 2 days ago that enough is enough. Can't count how many times I've failed to quit but I know that somehow, I have to do this. It's been 15 years of self loathing after I drink, after I fail to quit, and after I'm irritable with the children yet again. Those around me don't see the problem so I'm glad that I've found a group of people that do! X

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