Manifestation

Apparently 'manifestation' is the latest wellbeing fad. It's the new 'gratitude', which was the new 'mindfulness.'

Fans of manifestation include Gwyneth Paltrow (obviously), and Oprah Winfrey.

But, it's not a new idea. 'Manifestation' has been practised, in one form or another, for centuries.

In our lifetime, the most popular exposition of the concept was the global bestselling book - The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.

More recently, and less successfully, Noel Edmonds repackaged the same thought as 'Cosmic Ordering.'

The basic premise behind all of these concepts is exactly the same: If you really, really want something, all you have to do is visualise it.

Or, to quote The Secret: If you see it in your mind, you're going to hold it your hand.

Now, I'm a Pisces, and I'm quite open to all of this sort of stuff (especially so since I got sober, and had time and space to think), so I finally got around to buying The Secret.

(By the way, it's not a very well kept Secret. It's on Amazon).

There's a lovely, simple (naïve?) thought behind the book.

It's that since everything in the universe is comprised of the same tiny atomic particles we are all connected, and our thoughts act as a kind of magnet (bear with me).

The universe is, apparently, ruled by the Law of Attraction - like attracts like. So, if you think happy thoughts, happy things will be attracted to you, and if you think bad things, bad things happen.

Comprende?

I confess I was a little sceptical.

But then I read that all you needed to do to get rich was to imagine yourself already wealthy. Ah ha! The solution to all my problems! What's not to like?

So I gave it a really good go. I followed all the advice. I thought about money - a lot. A lot of money. I acted like I was rich, spending money I didn't have (yes, that really is one of the recommendations!).

I even bought a lottery ticket and entered those competitions on the telly where you text a number to win a brand new Range Rover and wads of cash.

Then, as suggested, I waited for the money to flow in.

AND YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT?!?!

....nothing. Not a penny. Not even a magic bean.

I read through the book further and got to the section on health. They told the story of someone diagnosed with cancer who 'thought themselves well' and got well. The cancer, as if by magic, disappeared.

At this stage I started to get angry. Having just had my life saved (I hope) by surgery, radiotherapy and hormone therapy, I do think that anyone encouraging very sick people to believe that they can heal themselves through positive thinking is bordering on criminal.

However, the reason all these theories have had traction over the years is that there is something in it.

We are very often scuppered by our subconscious. However much we try to achieve something, or be someone, if our subconscious is not playing ball we will not succeed.

Also, our success is partly predicated by how other people see us. If people believe we are achievers - in whatever field - we are more likely to become so.

And that's how The Secret, and Manifestation, and Cosmic Ordering work (I believe).

If you imagine yourself being something, really, properly imagine it, then your subconscious will play ball, and the people surrounding you will help it to happen. A simple example: if you believe that you are sexy, men are more likely to fancy you.

(For more on visualisation and how it works, see my post: I am Khaleesi!)

This is really relevant to all of us, because I constantly get mails, and read blogs from people saying 'I really think I might be able to do it this time.' And I know that they're going to find it tough going. Not because they don't really want to succeed, but because you can tell by their language that they don't really, really believe that it's possible.

The way to think isn't 'perhaps I can do it, even though it's going to be hard and I'm going to be miserable,' it's this:

I have done it! I am, from this day forward, A NON DRINKER! Yippee! Hurrah! Clever me. My new life starts HERE. I know it'll take my body a little while to get used to the idea, and I know the Wine Witch'll try to throw me off course, but I'm READY for all of that.

You have to keep saying that to yourself until you really, really believe it. (And, more importantly, your subconscious gets with the programme and starts to believe it too).

When you visualise the future DO NOT picture yourself as a sad and miserable non drinker, picture a happy, healthy, sober you.

Here's a good trick. Take some pictures of your favourite sober people and stick them on your fridge. Bradley Cooper? Robert Downey Junior? Jessie J? Anna Wintour even?

Then add a photo of you from the days before you got bit in the butt by the booze. Find a picture where you're healthy, smiling, energised - doesn't matter if you were only five years old at the time - and stick it up there with the other happy, sober people.

Then, when the Wine Witch tells you you'd be happier having a drink say 'No, no, no! I am a HAPPY NON DRINKER, just like all these other happy non-drinkers you see here on my fridge door. So back off, b***h, and go bother someone who wants to listen.'

And that, my friends, is manifestation. If you really, truly believe it will happen, it will happen.

Love SM x

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)

Dorothy was right when she said "there's no place like home." We are back after 3 weeks of wild, wonderful, feral living at the beach.

I'm on the third load of washing already, and the children have latched onto their various technical devices and linked up to our fast speed broadband like (yikes!) junkies finding a fix.

In between the surfing and rock pooling, I've been thinking about neuro-linguistic programming (as one does).

When we quit drinking we create a war between our conscious mind and our subconscious mind.

Our subconscious is incredibly powerful. It quietly deals with pretty crucial stuff like breathing, keeping our hear beating, and so on. It learns from our day to day experiences and applies those lessons to keep us safe and happy.

So, for example, if we burn ourselves on something hot, it tells us to move our hand away quickly (before our conscious mind has even had a chance to catch up), and then reminds us to avoid the hot thing in the future.

It's like a really clever computer.

We have taught our subconscious, over decades, to associate any stress, any fun, any boredom - pretty much any emotion at all - with having a drink.

Alcohol advertising and marketing is, basically, extremely sophisticated NLP. I know - I used to make it. Every image used, every word and piece of music is debated and researched at length. It speaks directly to our subconscious, telling it that alcohol is sophisticated, desirable and delicious.

The language we use is crucial, too. Every time we tell someone "I could really do with a drink" or "can't wait till wine o'clock" our subconscious learns and plays it back to us.

When we try to stop drinking, however much our conscious mind says "I am not going to drink. Drinking is bad. I am going to stay sober," our subconscious mind is going loopy. It starts getting louder and louder the more we try to ignore it. It says "FOR GOD'S SAKE LISTEN TO ME! I KNOW HOW TO SOLVE THIS ANGSTY FEELING! HAVE A GODDAMN DRINK!"

We have a name for this. We call it the wine witch.

(For more on this wily, evil crone see: The Wine Witch)

According to NLP, we can't just beat our subconscious into submission. Like a really clever computer we have to re-programme it.

We can do this by storing up new imagery and language to counter all those stored images of happy, sexy, relaxed people quaffing vino.

So, next time you get a craving, picture yourself as a strong, healthy, happy sober person.

Whenever you see the image in your mind of a glass of wine promising you stress relief, wipe it out and replace it with the image of a hot bubble bath, or a walk in the woods, or a yoga class.

The more you do this, the faster your subconscious will catch up. (See my post on visualisation: I am Khaleesi)

You can use negative visualisation too. When you look at a glass of wine, strip away all the fancy branding and see it as the poison it really is. Whenever you think about having 'just one glass' then play it forward. Force yourself to remember where one glass leads.

Apparently this is why blogging helps too. Every time I write 'SoberMummy' my subconscious picks it up. Every time I type I DO NOT DRINK, it remembers.

Which is why you have to be careful when you fib to people. Because whenever I tell my friends "Oh no, of course it's not forever. Just a temporary detox," I'm undoing all my good work.

NLP theory explains why moderation is so hard, if not impossible. You work really, really hard to retrain your subconscious. You get to a point where it sees alcohol as a negative, a poison. It's started seeing 'sober' as a positive thing and not a state of endless misery....

.....and what do you do? You have one drink. You fire up all the dopamine receptors in your brain. Your subconscious says "that wasn't so bad was it? We're not poisoned. I remember how effective this can be as a stress reliever, a way to relax. Hell, it's fun!" All the learned responses you've spent months trying to get rid of come flooding back.

Your conscious mind says "Don't even think about it! We're not having another one of those for at least a week."

Your subconscious replies "MORE! NOW!"

So don't try and fight your subconscious. Just think about it as a stroppy toddler that needs a bit of re-training. Work with it, and it can be your friend.

Love SM x

I am Khaleesi!

Day 42, and I have been reading up on visualisation techniques (that's visualization for my friends on the other side of the pond).

Visualisation has been around for centuries, and has roots in meditation, prayer and hypnotherapy. Many top sportspeople use visualisation, and Arnold Schwarzenegger famously took the visualisation techniques he used in body building and applied them to acting and politics.

Arnie says: "I visualized myself being and having what it was I wanted. Before I had my first Mr Universe title, I walked around the tournament like I owned it. I had won it so many times in my mind that there was no doubt I would win it. Then I moved onto the movies, the same thing. I visualized myself being a famous actor and earning big money. I just knew it would happen."

Think about the improbability of a scarily pumped up Austrian with an unintelligible accent becoming Governor of California, and you start to think that maybe there's something in this visualisation malarkey.

There are 3 ways to use visualisation on the road to getting and staying sober. The first is in relaxation and stress relief. The idea is that around wine o'clock, instead of thinking about pinot grigio, you find a quiet spot (like in a hot bath) and imagine yourself in your 'happy place'. Try and use all your senses - smell, feeling, sounds, colours, taste. Cravings only last ten minutes, so this can help you ride the storm.

My current favourite 'happy places' are: (1) On a deserted beach on Koh Samui with Buck the Texan (see Sober in Switzerland for the full story) (2) On the back of a horse galloping along the Cornish headland with my arms wrapped around the rippling, glistening six pack of Poldark (only my English friends will get that one) and, my favourite (3) In a calorie free cup cake bakery with the gorgeous husband and kids. What's yours?

The second way to use visualisation is the Arnie way - to imagine your future success. Here you picture yourself where you want to be in a year's (pick your own timeframe) time. My future visualisation is of a sober, skinny, beautifully dressed and groomed me, at the book launch of my soon-to-be-bestselling novel, surrounded by friends, family and my proud, happy, well behaved and well adjusted kids.

Future visualisations are believed to help with focus, confidence, motivation and self esteem. Knowing what you are working towards and really believing it can happen is the first step to changing your life. There are even those who claim that visualising a positive future can actually make it happen. This is referred to as the 'law of attraction.' It sounds like poppycock, but there are many studies showing that people who think positively have more positive outcomes, and vice versa.

But my favourite way of using visualisation is what I refer to as the 'kick ass method'. Alan Carr suggests visualising your cravings, or your 'inner addict', as a writhing snake or a monster. Every time you deny the snake a drink it dies a little. You have to keep going until it's well and truly despatched. One small sip and it leaps back into life.

In a similar vein, we all talk about the 'wine witch'. It's easier to beat your inner addict when you picture it as a vile, manipulative crone and not just your own subconscious. I like to take this one step further and imagine myself in 'kick ass' persona, battling with, and beating the enemy with great style and panache.

I first used this technique when I was promoted to the board of my Ad Agency. When I went into board meetings as the youngest, and one of the only female members, I would picture myself as Madonna circa 1987 wearing one of those cone tipped bras and leather hotpants. I also imagined that my nipples could fire laser guns on demand. Needless to say, I swaggered into those meetings with far more panache and confidence than I'd have had without Madge.

Apologies to Madonna, to whom I will always be grateful, but I have updated her. I am now Khaleesi from the Game of Thrones. Khaleesi - aka Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons - strong, wise and beautiful. You would never, ever see Khaleesi reach for the Chablis when in a spot of trouble. Oh no! She would let loose her army of Unsullied. Khaleesi would never have a problem overcoming a little addiction. This woman can walk through flames and come out unscathed!

So whenever the wine witch comes tapping on my shoulder, I picture Khaleesi and let lose my three dragons, burning the evil bitch to a cinder without hesitation or wavering. (n.b. it's important to ignore the end of Season 4 when Khaleesi's dragons turn bad and start frying small children).

You know where I'll be on Monday evening? Series 5 of Game of Thrones starts in the UK on Sky Atlantic. I'll be on the sofa with my hot chocolate cheering on Khaleesi as she gets ever closer to the iron throne.

Happy hangover free Sunday to you all.

Love SM x

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