Sober Easter Holidays

Before starting this post on Easter holidays, I just wanted to say a huge thank you, from the very bottom of my heart, to all of you for your incredible support after my mini meltdown last week.

I am so, so sorry that I haven't been able to reply to you all individually, but your messages meant so much to me.

I was reminded, yet again, that this sober tribe is made up of the most generous, thoughtful and amazing people. You are all superheroes.

Thanks to you, I'm back to feeling chirpy, plus the weather is improving, and we're into the Easter holidays!

But I know that holidays are not the easiest time if you've recently quit. I've had a number of messages over the past few days from people worrying about how to get through them without drinking.

I really love sober holidays now and can't imagine doing them any differently, but it takes a while to get there.

I think the biggest issue is that we've conditioned ourselves over years - or decades even - to associate holidays with partying. And by partying, I mean drinking. 

The Easter weekend, for me, was all about being able to have long, boozy lunches that went on well into the evening. Then long, boozy evenings that went on well into the night.

But, you know what? At the end of that weekend, I'd feel awful! I'd be toxic, anxious, depressed, exhausted and run down. I'd go back to work feeling like I needed..... a holiday. But wasn't that what I'd just had?

The trick is to redefine what holidays are about!

Now I see holidays as a chance to look after myself, to recharge and reset and get ready for new challenges ahead.

I get loads of sleep, eat well and go on long walks, so that by the end of the holiday I feel amazing.

More importantly, I see holidays as a time to reconnect with my family, especially my children.

Over Easter holidays of old, I'd spend a lot of time trying to escape the children so I could drink with my grown-up friends. Now, the holidays are all about doing things together. Making memories (that you actually remember!)

A bit of over-indulgence is still obviously crucial, so this weekend I will go a little crazy on the chocolate.

So, if this is your first sober holiday, be good to yourself. Easter is a great time for new beginnings. Hole up in a cosy cocoon for a few days and get ready to fly.

Talking of flying, my New Year's resolution was to do more new things this year, so a few weeks ago I booked us all an Easter holiday in Ibiza!

It turns out that no-one goes to Ibiza in April, because all the clubs are closed and the weather isn't great (but no worse than August in Cornwall, which is what we're used to), so I managed to rent a villa for a fraction of the normal cost.

I've always wanted to go to Ibiza, but - back in the drinking days - I was a bit worried that, on a party island, like that the wheels really would come off! I might never have come home.

Now, that's not an issue. My wheels are firmly stuck on.

I'm hoping that the island will be pretty quiet, and we can drive around visiting local tapas restaurants and deserted beaches and just chill.

Mr SM has obviously booked the cheapest flights available - RyanAir. He then had a panic about having to pay for everything apart from the actual plane as 'extras.'

"Do we really need any suitcases?" he said. "And surely we don't need to sit next to each other on the plane?"

I had a panic yesterday when I received an e-mail titled IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR FLIGHT!

Arrrgghhh! I thought. They've cancelled it (RyanAir have form in this area).

Turns out they haven't (yet), but as this is a flight which is very popular with hen and stag parties, they've issued a complete ban on any alcohol on the plane.

ALL BAGS WILL BE SEARCHED! ANYONE SHOWING SIGNS OF INEBRIATION WILL NOT BE ALLOWED ON THE PLANE!

Hilarious!

Have a wonderful Easter, everyone! If you want to see any of my smug holiday pictures, you can follow me on Instagram @clare_pooley

There's inspiration and information every day on the SoberMummy Facebook Page ('like' page to stay updated).

If you're looking for holiday reading, then look no further than The Sober Diaries. You can read the first few chapters for free by choosing the 'look inside' feature. Click here for UK, here for USA and here for Australia.

And, finally, you can see my TEDx talk - Making Sober Less Shameful here.

Love to you all, and see you on the other side,

SM x

3 Secrets to Getting Sober

There are a few dates that we never forget: the dates our children were born, the Battle of Hastings (1066 is the only thing I remember from years of history lessons) and our SOBERVERSARY.

And today is mine!

3 years ago today, I woke up after a rather long and riotous birthday party, and - after trying to cure my hangover by swigging red wine from a mug at 11am - swore I'd never drink again.

One question I've been asked, and I've asked myself, more than any other is what made that time different?

It wasn't - by a long shot - my first attempt at quitting. So, why did it work that time, when I'd failed so many times before?

Well, after pondering that question for three whole years, here's what I think are the three secrets to getting sober:

1.  Knowing that moderation is not an option

I don't think I've met a single big drinker who is really keen, in the beginning, to quit altogether. What we want, what we really really want, is to be able to drink moderately.

We're desperate to get rid of all the bad drinks. The ones you really don't need at 2am, that make you lose your keys and forget how you got home, and accidentally spill your best friend's deepest secret....

...but we don't want to let go of the good ones. The birthday champagne, the toasts at a wedding, the cocktails on holiday.

If you start on your sober journey with even the slightest suspicion that you will be able, at some point, to drink 'normally' then you are unlikely to succeed.

This is because as soon as you hit a hurdle, the wine witch will start telling you that you've done so well. You've 're-calibrated'. You'll never go back to drinking the way you were. Of COURSE you can just have the one...

Then, within a few weeks, you'll be back to where you started, just more so. Because that's how addiction works.

The truth is that if you are addicted to alcohol, if you are an 'all-or-nothing' person, not only is moderation not possible, but it's exhausting. 

It is way easier to just quit altogether, and - after a few difficult months, you'll find a freedom and serenity you didn't think possible.

So, if you haven't yet quit, and you're not yet totally sure about this one, then experiment. Try just drinking one small glass of wine a day and see if it's possible. Or does it drive you crazy?

Have you given up before, for January maybe, and sworn that you'd drink moderately in the future? How did that work out?

Did you ever smoke? If so, were you just a 'social smoker' or were you a total addict? If you quit smoking, do you believe that just one cigarette would send you right back to a packet a day? What makes you think you'll be different with alcohol?

Are you one of life's natural moderators, or are you an all-or-nothing type?

If you CAN drink sensibly, moderately and happily, then go ahead!

But, if you've tried this many times and failed, if you want to quit altogether, forever, than you need to know, deep down to your bones, that moderation is NOT AN OPTION.

By the time I finally quit, three years ago (did I say that already?) I had tried, and failed, to moderate for years.

I'd given up drinking for months at a time, then just one drink would send me spiralling back, like landing on the longest snake in a game of Snakes and Ladders.

I knew I couldn't do it, and - more importantly - I knew that trying to moderate would always make me miserable, as it was sapping away my self-esteem. Every time I failed I hated myself more.

2. Connection

In Johann Hari's incredible TED talk on addiction, he ends with the words the opposite of addiction is connection.

One of the fundamental reasons for AA's success is the 'fellowship of the rooms' - the other people you meet who share their stories and help you on your way, then encourage you to help others in the same way.

I didn't go to AA, but it was the connections I found through the internet that made such a big difference.

Through this blog, and through Soberistas.com, I found women (and men) just like me, who made me feel less alone and showed me the way forward. Whenever I was tempted to drown everything out in a bucket of sauvignon blanc, I'd think about how I'd feel if I let them down.

It doesn't matter where you find your tribe - at AA, SMART Recovery, Club Soda, Soberistas, right here - so long as you find one.

Don't try to do this alone. There's no need to!

3. Belief

I get hundreds of e-mails from people about quitting drinking, and I can generally tell who is going to succeed and who isn't (just yet).

The ones who say 'Today is Day One and I am SO EXCITED!' will make it, and the ones who say 'I know I have to quit and I'm going to try really hard, but I don't think I can do it', won't.

That's because the most important secret to success is really believing that you can do it, and being excited about it.

If you start on this journey thinking that you are depriving yourself of something, then you will never be happy sober. It's like being on a never-ending crash diet.

Instead, you need to believe that you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Life isn't ever going to be the same again - it's going to be WAY BETTER (once you're past the hard first few months).

What made me switch from dread to excitement was reading the book Kick the Drink, Easily by Jason Vale. It made me totally change the way I thought about booze. Alan Carr's book does the same thing, as does Annie Grace's This Naked Mind. 

Pick whichever one of those suits you best and read it.

I also recommend (obviously) reading The Sober Diaries (click here, and choose the 'look inside' feature to read the first few chapters free!) if you want to see all the ups and downs, comedy and tears, of the first year without booze, and how it will totally transform your life.

Picture the future as you want it to be - imagine yourself with more energy, more money, a better parent and partner and friend, thinner - imagine liking yourself again. All of that is possible!

If you can do those three things - know you're not a moderator, find a tribe and be excited, then you'll make it. And it will be amazing.

Now, I'm off to eat a piece of cake larger than my own head.

Love to you all,

SM x

P.S. If you are in the USA, you can find The Sober Diaries here.
P.P.S. You can now follow me on Instagram @clare_pooley and Twitter @cpooleywriter

Beyond Dry January

I did Dry January a few times, back in the old days.

I would always start a day or two late. After all, a relatively boozy January 1st was the only really sensible way to cope with the hangover from New Year's Eve - right?

By this point in January, I'd be ready to throw in the towel.

I've made it through pretty much the whole month! I'd congratulate myself. I've proven to myself that I CAN DO IT. I'm not an 'alcoholic'. What's more, I've learned my lesson. I've 'recalibrated.' No more excess for me! From now on, it's 'everything in moderation.'

Yet, by the end of February, I'd be back to drinking just as much as before, probably more so.

Is that how you're thinking right now?

I really don't want to get all preachy here. If you really can drink happily and sensibly, then crack on. I admire you. (Although, full disclosure, I hate you a teeny bit too. HOW DO YOU DO THAT?)

But can you? Really?

Or are you an all-or-nothing person who finds trying to moderate stuff not just difficult, but exhausting and soul destroying?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life just waiting for the next opportunity to have the next drink, and constantly hating yourself for drinking more than you were supposed to?

Wouldn't it be better to be free of all that?

Here are some good reasons to keep going:

You've done the hard bit already.

You've done the physical detox. You've probably been feeling utterly exhausted, maybe you've had headaches and felt a bit flu-ey, perhaps you've had trouble getting to sleep. You might have been grumpy and distracted and generally a bit meh. 

But now you're coming out the other side.

Your poor, abused body is emerging from its chrysalis thinking way-hey! Shiny new world of toxin-free loveliness! I am a butterfly! See my pretty wings! 

Do you really want to fill it up to the brim with poisons again?

The good bits are yet to come!

The real benefits of being sober take weeks, months and some take years to really emerge. You've seen nothing yet.

Right now you should be feeling your energy levels returning. Your brain starts firing on all cylinders and you feel more creative and 'buzzed' than you've done for ages.

Imagine what you could achieve over the next year or two if you keep on going? Write a book? Decorate a house? Start a business?

You might have lost some of the boozy puffiness, but usually the more dramatic weight loss takes a while to kick in. For me it didn't happen until after about one hundred days.

By now I bet you've started sleeping brilliantly. Your body is just starting to enjoy the deep, restful sleep it's been craving for years, and the benefits of that proper sleep keep on coming, if you let them.

After a few weeks off the booze you're probably feeling your anxiety levels subside and your moods levelling out. Imagine the impact of that on the rest of your life, and on all your relationships, if it continues!

And I've bet you've saved some money, right? Well, multiply that by twelve and think about what you could treat yourself to in a year's time if you're not throwing money away on alcohol.

Up till now, you've probably been thinking about booze an awful lot. It's taking up a huge amount of headspace. Well, after a few months sober, you just stop thinking about it.

It's really is such a relief having so much time and space to think about other stuff. And the sense of peace and freedom that comes from that is just around the corner, if you keep on marching.

If you start drinking again now, having done all the hard bits, but not yet got to the really good bits, then all you're doing is re-inforcing to your subconscious that life without booze is miserable.

Keep on going, and you'll soon discover that that is absolutely not the case.

Miracles wait around the next corner, so don't stop now....

If you'd like to know more about what happens in the first year after giving up booze, then check out my book, The Sober Diaries (available in hardback, e-book and audio). Click here to go to my Amazon page. You can read the first few chapters for free with the 'look inside' feature.

(By the way, a HUGE thanks to the ONE HUNDRED people who've left such incredible reviews. I am completely overwhelmed).

For daily inspiration and information go to the SoberMummy Facebook page here, or follow me on Instagram @clare_pooley

Love to you all!

SM x

What I've Learned After 1000 Days Alcohol Free

It's been more than one thousand days since I had a glass of wine.

Blimey.

I didn't have a dramatic rock bottom moment one thousand days ago. I didn't wake up in a gutter, or in someone else's bed, or crash the car when drunk. Thank goodness.

It was more like the painfully slow break up of a serious relationship. Like having to face up to the fact that the man I'd turned to whenever I was in trouble, whenever I wanted to have fun, whenever I wanted to just chill, was no good for me any more.

I had to leave him. Throw him out. Pour him down the sink.

By this point, I was drinking a bottle of wine a day, more at weekends. As a result, I was overweight, miserable and stuck in a rut.

Again, it wasn't dramatic drinking. I rarely appeared drunk, or got into trouble. Rather worryingly, a bottle of wine disappeared rather easily....

This was not my first attempt at dealing with my alcohol problem, obviously. I'd spent weeks, months, years even, looking for an alternative, trying endless ways of cutting down, of 'moderating.'

But it was all exhausting. And every attempt (much like trying to crash diet) ended, eventually, in failure. Back to where I started, if not more so.

So, finally I realised that there was no alternative but to pack it in altogether.

That prospect was, frankly, terrifying. But I resigned myself to the fact that my party days were over and that from now on I had to be a good girl. I knew I would feel proud of myself, but - obviously - I wasn't going to have any fun any more. Life, as I'd known it, was over.

But here's what I've discovered one thousand days later:

Life, as I knew it, was over. But the new life I've discovered is WAY BETTER, better in a myriad of different ways.

First off, there was all the physical stuff.

Stopping drinking changed the way I look. Some changes came immediately - like losing the puffy face and the bloodshot eyes, some took longer, like losing all the excess weight.

Within the first year without booze I'd lost two stone (28 pounds), and I've remained consistently at my ideal weight ever since, without any effort.

Also, I may be one thousand days older, but I actually look younger. I have better skin, clearer eyes, bouncier hair and oodles more energy.

Next time you're at a party, check out the most fresh-faced person in the room, not the one with the fake, waxy, botoxed face, but the one with the natural looking glow. I bet they're not drinking booze.

When you drink, you lose your ability to listen to your body. You can't tell when you're genuinely hungry and need to eat, or when you're just craving carbs because you're hungover. When your body is dehydrated and is trying to tell you you're thirsty, you drink alcohol - a diuretic.

Now, I eat when I'm hungry, and rehydrate when I'm thirsty. Simples.

And one of the biggest physical changes is being able to sleep. 

I was a terrible insomniac for years. I blamed stress. I used to fall asleep, no problem, but I'd wake up at about 3am, tossing and turning, and be totally unable to get back to sleep until just before the alarm went off.

Lack of sleep affects everything. It makes it difficult to function at your best short term, and, longer term, has a huge impact on your mental and physical health.

Now, I sleep like a baby. And I'm a morning person! Who knew? I bounce out of bed like the Duracell bunny, all ready to take on the day.

But quitting alcohol hasn't just changed me physically.

When I was drinking, my moods were all over the place. I'd veer from euphoric to depressed, then back again, regularly.

Now I'm zen. Ok, perhaps not completely zen - I can still be a nutter from time to time, but everything is relative.

I used to feel anxious much of the time. I thought that alcohol helped, that it dampened down the anxiety. It was only once I quit that I realised it was the alcohol that was causing the anxiety in the first place. My medicine was actually my poison.

But the biggest change of all, the one that rolls out gradually over the months and years after you quit, is what's happened to my life.

You see, I drank to take the edges off life, to blur all the hard bits. What I hadn't realised is that I was blurring all the good bits too.

When I stopped drinking, I had to learn to deal with everything life threw at me raw. Initially it was a terrible shock. It was hard. 

But, once I got used to it, once I showed myself what I could do and how naturally brave I am, I felt like a SUPERHERO. I realised that I could conquer anything.

Not only did I find my superpower, but I rediscovered all the energy and enthusiasm for life that I had when I was much younger, before all the self-medication numbed it all.

And, without the booze anaethetising my brain constantly, my synapses started firing and I re-discovered creative abilities that I'd thought I'd just grown out of.

My horizons have broadened and my life has just expanded. It feels like a brand new start.

My not drinking has changed my relationships with other people too. I'm a much better mother, a better wife and a better friend.

Admittedly, some of my friends have taken it rather hard, mainly the ones that drink the most themselves. I'm still often asked when I'm going to 'fall off the waggon' and join in again.

But the truth is, I don't need to. Because I've discovered that parties can be just as much fun without the booze - more so, because you can remember them. 

A bad party is still a bad party, drunk or sober, and spending hours at a party which is only about drinking when you don't drink is a little boring. But the result of that is that I've become way more inventive about the ways in which I socialise.

I meet friends for long, rambling walks with dogs. I go to the theatre and concerts. I've bought back party games to dinner and lunch parties, and involve the children as well. I do galleries and exhibitions, trips and outings.

I've discovered that socialising is about shared experiences, varied experiences, not just getting pissed together, and that's deepened and strengthened my relationships as well as making life much richer and more interesting.

Plus, I've got more money to spend on all that stuff, now I'm not spending it all on expensive vino.

So if you're thinking about quitting booze, or you've recently quit and you're still scared that it's going to completely change your life...

....it will. It will change everything. But for the better.

If you'd like to find out more, you can read my book - The Sober Diaries. Click here to go to my Amazon Page if you are in the UK, here if you're in the USA, here if you're in Australia. You can read the first three chapters for free by using the 'look inside' feature!

Love to you all,

SM x

5 Reasons Why September is a Great Month to Quit Drinking

There is never a perfect time to quit drinking.

I spent months, years even, telling myself that right now was not a good timing as I had a big party, a holiday or a stressful work commitment fast approaching.

Often I'd get to around Day 5 and then the wine witch would say It's x's birthday next week. This is SO not the right time to stop drinking. Why not start again (moderately, of course), then you can stop properly after the party?

But the truth is there's always a good excuse to hand, a reason to quit quitting.

We're so used to relying on booze to deal with every emotion - celebration, commiseration, anxiety, stress, relaxation, grief - that any week of the year is bound to contain a perfect occasion for a piss up. 

Before you know it, another year has gone by in a haze of hangovers and half remembered events.

But NO MORE, because if there ever was an ideal time to quit, it's September. Here's why:

1. It's a New School Year

Yes, I know we're not at school any longer (unless you're a teacher), but all those years of getting new school uniforms ready and pencils sharpened for September are buried deep in our psyches.

September, like January, is a time of fresh starts and clean sheets of paper, but without all the cold, darkness and post Christmas misery.

2. You've Spent the Summer Bingeing

Go on, confess. Summer holidays are the perfect excuse for drinking at lunch time, mainlining cocktails by the pool and staying up until sunrise drinking dodgy local spirits.

By September the world and his wife have a terrible hangover, puffy faces and muffin tops, and the idea of booze has, just slightly, lost its lustre.

3. You Have a Perfect Excuse

It's really hard telling people you've quit drinking. When I got breast cancer I told everyone. I told strangers in shops, my hairdresser, even a traffic warden (who let me off the ticket).

When I stopped drinking I told no-one the truth, I just made endless excuses (I'm driving, I'm on antibiotics, I'm raising money for charity).

And making excuses is okay. In fact, it's a good idea, because the last thing you want to do when you're already feeling wobbly is to fend off an inquisition.

And September is the perfect excuse because (see above) you just tell everyone that you overdid the booze on your summer holidays and are detoxing. Chances are, they'll be doing the same.

4. It's Over Three Months Until Christmas

The hardest part of quitting booze is the first hundred days. Once you're through those it gets much, much easier. That's when you start to see all the benefits and to realise that you never want to go back.

If you quit now, you'll have done those hundred days before the Christmas Party Season kicks off.

5. You Won't be Alone

Quitting in the summer can be very lonely. The sober blogging world goes quiet. It feels as if everyone is down the beach downing tequila.

But now there'll be lots of enthusiastic sober bunnies looking for friends. Several countries hold Sober September events, and here in the UK we're gearing up for Macmillan's Go Sober October.

It's a great time to find a tribe - online or in real life.

(If you want to encourage even more passengers to jump on the sober wagon then please share this post).

SO NO MORE EXCUSES!

Presuming that you're now totally convinced, check out my page (click here) on Advice for Newbies, or to read my story from the beginning, click here.

If, however, you still need more persuasion, click here for Reasons to Quit Drinking.

Happy September to you all!

SM x

Exhaustion

Thank you so much for all your comments and support after my last post.

I took your advice. I ignored the ever lengthening To-Do list, slept (a lot) then baked some banana bread, did some yoga, and now I'm feeling (almost) back on form.

It did make me realise though, that we over enthusiastic drinkers are not very good at listening to what our bodies are telling us. We spend our whole time fighting them, rather than working with them.

Our poor bodies start waving the white flag, dialling 999 (that's 101 for you folks over the pond I think), desperately trying to get us to pay attention, and we just reply:

What do you mean, you're tired? We're going to party!

Or You may not be hungry, but that triple layer bacon sandwich is the only thing that's going to fix this hangover. So we're eating it.

Or You're feeling stressed? Drink this litre of toxins and stop bleating on about it.

One of the major benefits of being sober is learning to work in partnership with your body. Suddenly it feels like you're on the same side!

You learn to only eat when you're hungry, drink when you're dehydrated (yes, that's what drinking is actually for. Who knew?), and sleep whenever you need it.

So, when you get that feeling of bone deep tiredness you need to pay attention.

I was thinking about the times when I've felt properly exhausted, and why.

Early pregnancy. Remember that one? That's your body saying:

Hey, you, I'm doing some really intricate building stuff here, so cut me some slack. You think making a brand new human being is easy?

There are also those sick days, like when you have the 'flu and you sleep pretty much all day. It's saying something like this:

Dealing with all these pesky bacteria and this raging temperature is taking every bit of energy I've got, so you're just going to have to lie there and not ask me to do a single additional thing. Got it?

And then there's the after effects of a period of stress, which is where I was yesterday. My body was saying:

I've been pumping up all the adrenaline, constantly on alert for fight or flight, and now you say it's all ok after all? Right, well I'm shutting all systems down or they'll overload, and then we'll be in proper trouble....

But one of the longest, most extreme periods of exhaustion I've had to cope with was when I quit drinking.

I was expecting to be bouncing around like the Duracell bunny, all fit and healthy and toxin free, but instead I felt like I'd been hit by a bus and wanted to sleep for twelve hours a day. And I felt like that for three weeks. At least.

So, if that's where you are now then don't panic. It's perfectly normal. It'll pass (eventually!). The main thing to do is listen.

Start thinking of your body as your partner, not your enemy. Quitting drinking is hard work, physically and emotionally.

Your body is flushing out all those toxins, and having to adjust to a completely new regime. Plus, if like me you had drink induced insomnia for years, you've got an awful lot of catching up to do...

(See my post: Sleep, Glorious Sleep)

You're feeling tired because you need to sleep.

So do it. Go to bed in the middle of the day if you have to. Pretend you have 'flu and take a few days off work. Let the kids play Minecraft till their eyes go square.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Soon enough you'll be paying back in spades with all those hangover free, super productive mornings.

Love to you all,

SM

One Year Sober!

What a difference a year makes....

This time last year I was struggling with yet another hungover Monday morning. I'd slept really badly (as always), and had been tossing and turning since about 4am, thinking about how much I hated myself.

Somewhere along the line, my life seemed to have shrunk.

I'd gone from being someone who was always out and about pushing boundaries, taking risks, and grabbing life by the short and curlies, to being a stay at home Mum, who did little other than stay at home (and drink).

Ironically, while my life had got smaller, I'd expanded.

The lithe, gorgeous girl I'd once been had been blown up with a bicycle pump. I'd gained two stone, a huge wine belly, and jowls.

I wasn't even a good Mum. I spent most of my time trying to avoid my children - in favour of sinking a glass of vino. In fact, I spent most of time drinking in order to avoid life.

I also seemed to have left my balls somewhere. I was constantly anxious and fearful. Even the smallest tasks seemed like mountains to climb, and necessitated a drink 'to take the edge off' as soon as it hit 'wine o'clock' (which was creeping inexorably earlier).

I thought, vast alcohol intake aside, that I was generally healthy. I still exercised a fair bit, and ate well. But all those toxins were silently wreaking havoc, and I was secretly harbouring a malignant tumour in my left boob, which I didn't find for another eight months.

I blamed some of this on the booze, but not all of it. I thought much of it was down to age. Don't we all get a bit stuck in a rut over time? Jaded? Fed up? Lacking in energy and enthusiasm?

Then, 365 days ago, I decided to stop. I realised that I'd stopped controlling the booze some years previously, and it was now controlling me. I'd had enough.

I thought that quitting booze would change me physically. I hoped I'd lose some weight and sleep better. I also hoped that, after a while, the infernal internal monologue in my head (I called her the Wine Witch) would disappear.

BUT I feared that life without booze would be flat. Featureless. Boring. I tried to reconcile myself to being dull and sensible, not the wild, hedonist of my youth.

I had no idea.

I had no idea that quitting booze would change, not just a few things, but everything.

I had no idea that life without booze is more thrilling, more exciting (yet also more peaceful) and more colourful than ever before.

I had no idea that, along the way, I'd find a person I thought I'd lost.

I feel like, over the last twelve months, I've come full circle. Slowly, slowly all the layers of stuff I've hidden behind have been stripped back (the process is painful - like being rubbed raw with a cheese grater), and underneath it all is the girl I was in my late twenties.

She's still there! That kind, brave, adventurous, optimistic and funny person I vaguely remember. And, like she did back then, she greets every day with enthusiasm, and small things - like the changing of the seasons - with wonder.

I've got my body back (I've lost 21 pounds). I've rediscovered my self respect and my courage. I'm a better wife, mother and friend.

In the last year I've beaten the wine witch, and I've kicked cancer's butt too. So bring on year 2, because I'm on a roll. I've been given a second chance, a clean sheet of paper, and I'm not going to waste it.

Thank you, all of you, for sharing the last year with me, and holding my hand through it all. I honestly don't think I'd be here without you, and here is a mighty good place to be.

(To read my story from the beginning click here).

Thank you.

SM x

Sober Birthdays

It's my birthday next week (Wednesday).

I've never had a sober birthday before. At least, not since I was about sixteen.

Birthdays were an excuse to indulge myself as much as possible. In recent years it would take me three or four days of self loathing to recover from them.

Now I realise that birthdays are not actually all about me.

The smalls are super excited. When you are seven, a birthday is the most exciting thing in the universe.

Since my birthday falls on a school day, they have insisted on throwing a pre-celebration today. I have pretended not to notice the whisperings, the secret shopping trips, the wrapping and the hiding. I am practicing my 'that's the thing I most wanted in the entire world' face - like Gwyneth Paltrow before the Oscars.

For years I didn't publically celebrate my birthday, I just got quietly trashed and maudlin with Mr SM.

But last year I decided to throw a party. I invited about 25 adults and 25 children. I prepared Sunday lunch for them all, and booked a man to turn up with live animals - snakes, spiders, MEERKATS, a chinchilla, an OWL - to entertain the kids. I bought cases and cases of wine to entertain the adults.

It cost a fortune. And I did not enjoy it.

Well, I enjoyed the beginning. The first few glasses of wine. And the end - when I could get really stuck in, and congratulate myself on having made it.

But the middle was pretty awful. Catering for fifty people when half drunk is super hard. And being a good hostess is impossible after too many vinos. I tried introducing people initially, but I'd keep forgetting names (!), and quite quickly gave up.

I couldn't relax and enjoy myself. I charged around the house, glass in hand, constantly convinced that I ought to be somewhere other than where I was.

The next day I felt like death. Plus I was paranoid that no-one had enjoyed themselves. I knew I'd not be able to shift the black mood for days. And that's the day (March 2nd 2015) I quit. Forever.

(See Secret Drinker Hits the High Bottom)

So, this year I'm throwing another party. On Friday. My first ever sober party. After my recent dice with death, I want to be able to say thank you to all my friends for being there, and to celebrate life in general.

I'm not hosting at home (too much hard work!). Instead, I've booked a private room in a swanky restaurant. I'm spending all the money I saved by not drinking alcohol on alcoholic drinks and canapes for 75 people. How ironic.

I'm a bit nervous about it, but the nervousness is swamped by building excitement.

Seventy five of my best friends, all in the same room, and I'll be sober enough to talk to them all! I'll be able to introduce people, make witty conversation.

Perhaps I'll even do a speech. Without slurring, forgetting what I was saying mid sentence and falling off the chair.

And I'll remember every single minute of it, and wake up the next day feeling....great (if broke).

Whoop whoop!

Love to you all,

SM x

Days 30-100

Tomorrow is the end of January.

This means that many of you will be on or around day 30. Perhaps you only intended to quit for one month, and you're already gearing up for a humdinger of a party?

DON'T DO IT!

30 days is awesome work, but you've only just scratched the surface of all the benefits you get from staying sober. This is not it. You have to keep going....

I thought you might like a guide to the next phase: Days 30-100, and I'm hoping that my readers who've been through it already will chip in with their wisdom in the comments section below. So, here goes:

Days 30-100

First off, HUGE CONGRATULATIONS! You've done the first month, and it's by far the most physically gruelling.

By now, I hope, you're sleeping like a baby, and your energy levels are improving. Maybe, now there are no hangovers, you're learning to love mornings again?

You probably haven't lost much weight yet (sugar cravings, anyone?), but I bet you LOOK different. Bright eyed, dewy skinned, less puffy.

Maybe the cravings are getting a bit better too - probably just as powerful, but less frequent. Once a day, rather than all day.

By now you're detoxed. Your liver is doing high fives and thanking you profusely. You are all sparkly and clean.

But now, I'm afraid, the hard work begins.....

Because days 30-100 are all about introspection. Endless naval gazing. The asking of all those big questions like how did I end up in this mess? Who am I (without alcohol)? Who was I (before alcohol)? Where do I want to be? How the hell do I get there?

If, like me, you're British, then the idea of any form of self analysis is anathema. My response to any big LIFE questions was "Pass the bottle!"

It is horribly uncomfortable for all of us life-avoiders, but it's inevitable when you strip your comfort blankets away, and you'll come out the other side a stronger, better and more aware person.

(For more about how this all feels, from when I was going through it, click here)

The other big theme of days 30-100 is learning to deal with fear and anxiety.

Up to day 30, you're so far down in the trenches, and the cravings come so thick and fast, that it's difficult to see any pattern.

But now you'll start to see that there are some major triggers, and the biggies are fear and anxiety.

We get so used to dealing with these uncomfortable emotions by blotting them out that we forget how to cope with them. And if you spend long enough avoiding coping with fear, you find - eventually - that you've completely lost your courage.

Days 30-100 are about tackling fear and anxiety (and all the other nasty emotions like envy, self doubt, boredom, etc) without any props, but in doing so you will, slowly, slowly find your courage returning, and - with it - your self respect.

(For more on this, from my Day 77, click here)

So, once you've done all the introspection and all the dealing with bad stuff sober, you also have to cope with other people.

It's normal for the first month (especially if it's January) to hunker down and not go out much. And if people ask you about your 'not drinking' you can shrug off the question easily - you're detoxing/having a month off/Dry January etc.

But, eventually, you have to start socialising again.

This one takes a while. I still don't have quite the same level of anticipation about social events, but it's gradually coming back.

My advice, and it's controversial, for the early days is to fake it till you make it. The last thing you need when you're still feeling fragile is to have someone grilling you about why you can't have 'just one.'

So I suggest you lie (I'm driving/on antibiotics/detoxing) or fake (drink virgin cocktails, let them fill your wine glass and don't touch it) for a while.

I realise that this is not ideal, but the truth is society is really screwed up about alcohol, and we non drinkers are made to feel like the ones with the problem, not the addicts still quaffing away.

For more on how to cope with, and actually enjoy, partying sober read: Sober Mummy's Party Survival Guide.

Over the next sixty days, you'll find that you get fewer and fewer cravings, but when they do hit they're almost harder to deal with because they're from left field. You're not expecting them.

This phase really is a rollercoaster. You'll have wonderful, pink cloudy days of real euphoria, and some days of despair. That's perfectly normal.

It's known as Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS), and you can read more about it here.

It's all a bit like my favourite children's book: Going on a Lion Hunt:

You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it.

But, after all those ups and downs and insides and outsides you'll find yourself gradually shedding off all those ugly duckling feathers, and one day you'll catch your reflection in the pond and you'll think "Why, I'm a swan!"

By Day 100 it won't be so hard anymore. And you'll be braver, slimmer, nicer, a better parent. Your life will be easier, more fulfilled, and going somewhere.

So keep going, bird by bird, until you find your inner swan.

Love SM x

Reasons to Quit Drinking #1: Weight Loss

I'm aware that it sounds a little shallow, kicking off my 'Reasons to Quit' series with weight loss.

Perhaps I should have started with something a bit more weighty (excuse the pun), like health issues, or mental wellbeing.

But the truth is we know drinking is bad for us, and we know we have to stop, but it's not easy, and we deserve a bit of a perk, don't we?

And I can't be alone in being a teensy bit interested in the idea of getting skinny, as more people find my blog via Google by typing in 'stop drinking and lose weight' than any other search term.

Weight isn't just a vanity thing for us women - it affects all areas our lives. Our self esteem, our relationships, our health, and the way other people view, and judge, us.

Throughout my childhood, teenage years and my twenties I was effortlessly slim, but from my late twenties onwards (about the time I started drinking heavily) I steadily gained weight.

By the time I quit drinking, last March, I was a UK size 14 (US size 10) and weighed 11 stone 10 pounds (164 pounds).

Not only did this give me a BMI in the 'overweight category', but it made me feel bleurgh. I'd lost my mojo. I felt unattractive and old. I knew that that confident, skinny person was still in there somewhere, but muffled by a layer of blubber and pickled in booze.

I particularly hated the 'wine belly.' (See my post on The Wine Belly). I was asked several times by young children whether I had a 'baby in my tummy.' Mortifying. People would offer me their seats on buses!

It's not surprising that alcohol makes us gain weight. After all, a bottle of wine contains around 600 calories. I was drinking around ten bottles a week! That's 6,000 calories - more than two whole days worth of calories!

Plus, as soon as I'd had a few glasses of vino, all thoughts of moderation in anything flew out the window. Pudding? Why the hell not? Chocolates with coffee? It'd be rude not to!

Then you wake up with a hangover for which there's only one cure: a carbs/fat combo, like a bacon sarnie, or a large blueberry muffin (one of your five a day!).

Over the years I tried endless diets: The F Plan (endless fibre), the Beverly Hills diet (lots of fruit), Scarsdale Medical diet (detailed meal plans), Hay diet (complicated rules about protein and carbs), Cabbage soup diet (just what it sounds like), The Cambridge diet (milkshakes), Atkins (no carbs), Dukan diet (no carbs), Low GI diet (low carbs) and the 5:2 diet (2 days fasting a week).

(Just writing that list makes me feel hungry).

All of them would work for a while. I'd lose up to around ten pounds in a month. But they were impossible to stick to long term, and as soon as I started eating normally again, the weight would pile back on, plus a bit extra for good measure.

I did the exercise thing too. Jane Fonda's workout. Rosemary Conley's hip and thigh workout. Stepping. Spinning. Running. Large rubber band things. Blow up balls. Callanetics. Weights. Body Pump. Body Attack and that funny machine that you stand on while it vibrates.

(Just writing that list makes me feel exhausted).

I did get fitter, but not much thinner.

Since I quit drinking I haven't followed any particular diet. I've not been to the gym much, although I've been pretty active as I've had so much energy. I've not been hungry at all.

Yet I've lost nearly twenty pounds.

I'm now a small UK size twelve, maybe even a ten (US size 6). I've gained cheekbones. I've lost a chin. And the muffin top that I thought was obligatory for all mothers in their forties? Completely gone!

I may not be a MILF, but I am in pretty good nick for my age.

And the great news about this diet is that it is very simple. All you need to do is not drink alcohol.

But there are some caveats:

1. It is slow.

You will probably only lose about half a pound a week. It's not like those 'miracle' diets where you lose half a stone in week one. It's slow and steady. But any nutritionist will tell you that's the best kind of diet, and the only way that's sustainable.

2. It isn't immediate.

Most people don't lose weight initially, many even gain weight at the beginning. It took me until about day 100 to start seeing results.

Firstly, it takes your body a while to adjust - it's had a huge shock. Secondly, you'll crave sugar when you first quit, and cake and hot chocolate are invaluable quitting tools. Let yourself indulge initially - one thing at a time. When you're ready, try to use exercise as a way of managing cravings instead of sugar.

3. You have to stay sober.

Otherwise it'll all pile back on.

So, if you're in the early days of going sober, and starting to waver, stick a 'fat' photo of yourself on the fridge next to a picture of Kate Moss and keep going!

Check out the SoberMummy Facebook page HERE for inspiration, information and a few great laughs, every week day at wine o'clock. 'Like' the page to stay updated!

Love and skinny hugs to you all,

SM x

A New Year

I've woken up early on New Year's Day - probably as a result of all the adrenaline from last night.

Early on New Year's Eve, here in the picture perfect Swiss Alpine town of Verbier, it started snowing. Fat flakes of snow, the first in weeks, illuminated against the night sky.

The fireworks started at around 6pm, and continued all night. Constant busts of colour, the noise ricocheting off the mountains, the air filled with the smell of cordite.

At midnight we joined thousands of revellers dancing to a crazy DJ in the town square. There were people of all ages and hundreds of nationalities, speaking a variety of languages.

Russian oligarchs rubbing shoulders with ski bums financing their ski season by washing up in the town's restaurants, united by their love of the snow and their desire to welcome the New Year in with a bang.

I didn't need to drink to feel high. In fact, the boozed up revellers, falling over onto broken glass and recklessly lighting fireworks into the crowd, were a great reminder that it's a good idea to be in control.

At midnight, hundreds of people sprayed champagne over the heads of the dancers (I never would have wasted good booze like that in my day), so I still went home reeking of alcohol.

And the best bit?

Waking up today knowing that, for the first time ever, I can really enjoy the first day of a brand new year. All sparkling new and filled with possibility. Starting as I mean to go on, not filled to the brim with toxins and regret.

The slopes will be covered in fresh snow, and they will be empty. Just me and my family, swishing our way into the future.

If you're waking up today with a hangover, desperate to make a change, then don't worry. I'm with you, as are all my friends on here, and in the Soberverse.

Throughout January I'll be posting Reasons to Stay Sober as well as Sober Tips, which I'm sure my regular readers will help with too, so stay with me.

Happy New Year to you all!

SM x

2015 - The Year I Quit Drinking

I started 2015 imagining it was going to be a year just like the decade preceding it. I wasn't expecting any big changes at all.

As ever, my main New Year's resolution was to 'cut down' on the drinking. Not immediately on Jan 1st, obviously, but around Jan 5th, once I'd got over the hangover and got the kids back to school.

I started off resolving not to drink at all until February. That lasted a week. I then told myself I'd only drink at the weekends. Which lasted another week.

Ah ha! How about only drinking when I was out - never at home? I went out most nights that week and exhausted myself.

Finally, I decided to only drink beer. I managed that one until I'd had so many beers I thought 'sod it - I'll open a bottle of vino.'

By the end of February I was back to a bottle of wine a day, feeling toxic, fat and hating myself.

So I quit.

The first few weeks were really hard. I was exhausted all the time. I thought about booze constantly. I was convinced I'd never be able to have fun again.

I started this blog, and found people like me all over the world who travelled the journey with me, and without whom I'd never have made it.

Then, at around day 100, miracles started to happen.

I looked 5 years younger. I started losing weight - about half a pound a week, every week, without trying. I had bags of energy. I got stuff done, like decluttering, decorating, and I finished writing my novel.

By September - six months after quitting - I felt like a new person. The cloud I'd not even realised I'd been under had lifted. I re-discovered a sense of fearlessness and optimism. I became a much better Mum, better wife and better friend. I found my mojo, and felt like the world was my oyster.

Then, in October, I found A Lump. In my left boob. A 23mm invasive, lobular carcinoma, with associated DCIS, to be precise. Aka breast cancer.

I went right back to the beginning. Constantly fearful, taking one day at a time, no idea what lay ahead, or if I could handle it.

But I got through it. Sober. And, whilst I'd never say I was glad it happened, it's left me with the ability to not sweat the small stuff, and the realisation that life is short, and we have to make the most of every day we're given.

I ended the year celebrating Christmas, being cancer free and the things that really matter - family and friends - sober.

So, farewell, then 2015. The year I lost the drink and gained a life.

And a Happy New Year to all you wonderful people. I owe everything to you. Without you, 2015 would have been a very different year.

Love SM x

Christmas Eve Crisis!

After I posted yesterday I went to the supermarket to collect the turkey and last minute supplies.

Our kitchen fridge was bursting at the seams, so I asked Mr SM to take the turkey down to the old 'overflow' fridge we keep in the cellar (also known as The Pit of Despair).

I was bustling away in the kitchen, unpacking shopping, and could hear Mr SM's footsteps on the old, wooden cellar steps. Then I heard this: Oh my God!

"What? What?!?" I yelled down.

"Do you promise not to panic?" he replied, using the phrase most guaranteed to cause panic.

In trepidation, I walked slowly down the steps.

Our cellar - filled with old filing, photos, memorabilia, hand-me-down clothes waiting for the children to grow into them, and anything that Mr SM can't bear to throw away (anything at all: he's Scottish) was two inches deep in water.

It transpires that the lead pipe (which must be at least one hundred years old), connecting us to the mains water supply, has cracked somewhere between our house and the road outside, and water is constantly pouring into our cellar.

We turned off the mains water supply. We spent the three hours we'd planned to be at Winter Wonderland, mopping up gallons of water. We piled up all the soggy stuff to be dealt with at a later date.

We called several plumbers who laughed at the idea of a last minute Christmas Eve call out, and pointed out that we'd require a digger and some major works in any case.

It is going to be very expensive at a time when we have spent all the money.

But you know what?

I was totally calm.

This time last year I would have yelled. I would have cried. I would have drowned my sorrows in several bottles of vino then yelled and cried some more. Christmas, I'd have declared, had been ruined.

Instead, we have created a temporary holding solution involving buckets and sandbags, which means that we can turn the water on for several hours at a time, so long as we empty the buckets frequently and do some furious mopping.

Then we yell out "Everyone go to the loo!" We fill the kettle and pots and pans with water and disconnect from the mains again to let everything dry out for a bit. Then we have a big hug.

It's not the way I planned Christmas Eve, but it's okay. It's okay because I am strong. And I am strong because I am sober, and because I know that there are worse things that can happen. This one's fixable.

But, because of all of this, I'm awake on Christmas Day stupidly early (it's 5am) and feeling the need to blog.

I'm in the kitchen which is lit by fairy lights. I can see the remnants of the glass of whisky, mince pie and carrot left in the fireplace for Santa and his reindeer.

I'm waiting to hear the first sounds of #1, #2 and #3 checking to see if he's been, and showing each other what they've found in their stockings. I'm waiting for Mr SM to wake up and reconnect us to the mains so I can have a shower....

It's going to be a great day.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

SM x

THANK YOU!

If someone had told me 2 weeks ago that I'd feel grateful for having a cancerous breast tumour I'd have thought they were crazy, but here I am thinking...

HALLELUIA! IT'S JUST ONE MALIGNANT BREAST TUMOUR!

The scan showed nothing else. It's not gone anywhere. Just sitting happily, minding its own business in the bottom left quadrant of the lefty.

And as of Friday it'll be gone. Off to the lab in a jar. And I can get on with chemo (if they decide I need it) and radio, and blitz the hell out of any stragglers.

So today I am happy. Over the moon. And deeply grateful to the Universe, and especially to all of you. For your messages, e-mails and your prayers.

I've hardly told any of my real life friends yet (don't want to ruin anyone's half term!) so feeling the waves of support from you has really propped me up.

When I started this blog eight months ago I had no idea that I would come to rely on it so massively, or that at times it would feel like the only thing keeping me sane.

A special thank you to Jill who got her whole congregation to pray for me! Nobody's ever done anything like that for me before.

One of my readers happens to be a breast cancer survivor and a nurse. She sent me an e-mail entitled 'The dolphin didn't lie'. I must have read this mail at least twenty times. Here's an excerpt (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing):

I am making a guess here because I don't know you but I think that you have never asked "why me?" Because the question is really "why not me?" Not because of lifestyle, past misdemeanours etc but because everyone is dealt a bad hand at some point in their life be it divorce, bereavement, ill health, whatever! It's the old adage 'life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about learning to dance in the rain.'

Funnily enough, I wrote a post on called Dancing in the Rain (click here) back in May - which now seems like another country.

And right now it may still be raining - after all I still have cancer - but I'm dancing in it, and the storm will pass.

Since I can't have a glass of champagne to celebrate, I have bought 2 boxes of Matchmakers (orange and mint flavour) which I'm going to eat until I feel physically sick.

(Keeping fingers crossed for my much beloved Aunt who gets her scan results on Friday)

I love you all.

SM x

Regrets

When I was drinking, I lived pretty much day by day. Not in a good 'mindfulness' sense, but in a rather toxic way. Either I was recovering from the last drinking session, or planning the next (or both simultaneously), and I didn't really get a great deal further than that.

Since I quit, my horizons have telescoped outwards - both forwards and back. I spend a lot more time and effort planning for the future (see yesterdays post on The Possibility List), but I also spend more time haunted by flashbacks from the past.

Some of these flashbacks are the inevitable bad things I did while drunk. But many of them are the sepia tinted memories of childhood, which often make me want to weep with nostalgia. Why is it that sorting out our present makes us spend so much time in the past?

I had one of these flashbacks recently. I was driving the car and a song came on the radio. It was the incomparable Edith Piaf singing Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien (I have no regrets).

(Please, please click here and turn the volume up high).

This song reminded me of one of my father's favourite stories. It was 1962. He was a handsome, hugely talented, twenty four year old who'd just been posted to Brussels by the British Civil Service.

One evening, Dad was offered a theatre ticket by a colleague who was stuck in the office and couldn't go. It was a show at the Gaite (which was later turned into one of my favourite nightclubs. It's probably now a luxury apartment complex...).

Dad knew nothing about the show, but he did know that the theatre always served a carafe of wine and a cassoulet for every theatre goer to accompany the performance (there was a wooden ledge running in front of all the seats which served as a table). Given that he was a bachelor and unable to even boil an egg, a free meal was too good an opportunity to miss.

Dad tucked into his dinner, rather hoping for a Moulin Rouge type of spectacle with lots of long legs, perky bosoms and feathers. Instead a raddled old lady stepped onto the stage, alone, and walked up to the microphone. He started to regret his decision, and to plan an early exit.

Then she opened her mouth and started to sing. Only my father could end up seeing the legendary Edith Piaf by accident!

After I was reminded of this story I looked up Edith on Wikipedia. Yes, you guessed it: she was one of us....

She died less than a year after Dad saw her sing. And she wasn't the old lady he remembers. When he saw her she was forty-six years old. Exactly the same age as me.

Edith had a tragic life. She was named after the British nurse, Edith Cavell, who was executed exactly 100 years ago yesterday for helping allied soldiers escape from German occupied Belgium. Her mother abandoned her at birth, and she was bought up in a bordello by her grandmother and a bevvy of prostitutes.

Edith was blind for four years of her childhood. At seventeen she had her own daughter, Marcelle, who she also abandoned. Marcelle died of meningitis aged two. It is rumoured that Piaf slept with a man to pay for her funeral.

The love of Edith's life died in a plane crash in 1949, on his way to meet her.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Edith became addicted to alcohol and morphine. Despite three attempts at rehab she couldn't beat her demons. She died at the age of forty-seven from liver cancer.

In memory of Edith, I try to have no regrets. I cannot regret a decade, or more, of my life. A lot of it was a great deal of fun. I had three wonderful children, and managed, somehow, to do a half decent job of getting them through early childhood.  My past got me to where I am now, and that's a pretty good place to be.

Regrets can haunt you. They can paralyse you, and stop you moving forward. That's why 'making amends' is so fundamental to AA (see my post on Making Amends).

Don't be held back by regrets of the past. If you are, make amends and move forwards. The key thing is to make sure that you have a future that you won't regret.

Sadly, Edith's last words, as her liver killed her in a final act of revenge, were not non, je ne regrette rien. Her last words were "Every damn thing you do in this life, you have to pay for."

Don't let that happen to you.

Love SM x

Go Sober October - Day 1

October 1st - Day 1 of Macmillan Cancer Support's Go Sober October.

If you've found your way to this blog because you're doing the challenge, then WELL DONE! This post is dedicated to you....

Perhaps you're doing Go Sober October because a close relative or friend has died from cancer. You don't drink that much anyway, but think that a month's detox will be good for you. Well, good for you. Have fun, and raise as much cash as you can.

Maybe that's not your story. Maybe Go Sober October is just a prompt - an extra reason to address an issue that's been worrying you for a while. Perhaps your story goes a little bit like this:

You've always loved drinking. It's one of your main hobbies! It's how you met many of your best friends. You're the archetypal 'life and soul of the party,' always the last one standing (or not!).

But recently you've noticed that you're drinking more and more. You don't like to sit down and add it up, but you can easily drink a bottle of wine in an evening and - scarily - not even feel that drunk!

You're worried that it's starting to affect your health - you're overweight, not sleeping at all well, you look puffy and you've got a terrible muffin top. Plus, you're anxious and stressed a lot of the time. You wonder whether you have some sort of low lying depression. You feel like you're stuck in a rut.

Every so often you Google 'Am I an alcoholic' and do one of those questionnaires. Sure, you answer 'yes' to a few of the questions (like drinking alone - doesn't everyone?), but you know what an alkie looks like - out of control, passing out in gutters, looking like a tramp - and that's not you!

But you are starting to spend more and more of your time thinking about drinking. Wine o'clock creeps ever earlier, and alcohol free days become fewer and far between. You're losing far too much time to hangovers.

You're starting to do odd things, like watching how much other people are drinking, worrying about whether the supermarket cashier is judging you by your wine laden trolley, and having a few drinks before you even get to the party.

You've tried to cut down several times. You do deals with yourself like 'I will only drink on social occasions' or 'I will only drink at weekends,' or 'I won't drink wine, only beer,' but you never stick with the deal for longer than a week or two...

....so that's why you're doing Sober October, and that's how you've found your way here.

SO WELCOME! We've all been there.

Forget whether or not you're an 'alcoholic.' It's a red herring. The truth is, if the description above is of you, then you are addicted to alcohol. There's no shame in that - it's an addictive drug, just like nicotine.

The bad news is - it's only going to get worse. But there's good news: quitting drinking will totally transform your life - and the sooner you do it, the easier it is.

That's probably a lot to take in right now, so just do Sober October and see how you go.

If you find the first few days hard, then read Jason Vale's 'Kick the Drink, Easily.' It'll totally transform how you think about drinking.

Try reading the first few days/weeks of this blog - starting back in March. Everyone here is happy to help. And check out www.soberistas.com.

E-mail me on sobermummy@gmail.com if you'd like some advice, or you just want to get something off your chest.

As you go through the month you'll find that you're losing that puffy look, and the wine belly. You'll sleep better. Your skin will glow. You'll save money. And you'll start to feel calmer - less anxious and stressed.

Then have a think about whether a month is really long enough - because those positive changes just keep on coming.....

Good luck!

SM x

Climbing Everest

Often I hear people say that they are grateful for the years, decades even, that they lost due to alcoholism, because it made them who they are: stronger, more compassionate, more enlightened.

And I think "Really? Grateful?"

I try not to regret the drinking years, after all, an awful lot of it was a great deal of fun, but I find it hard to go so far as gratitude.

Now, if God had found it in herself to make me one of those irritating people who can have a glass of vino and then genuinely not want a second one (or the whole bottle), then I would feel grateful.

I was thinking about this when, over the weekend, the family SM went to the movies to see Everest, a fabulous film about the death of twelve climbers near the summit of Everest in May 1996.

One of the climbers that day was an American doctor called, rather appropriately, Beck Weathers. He'd taken up mountaineering as a way of coping with debilitating bouts of depression.

When a terrible blizzard struck as the climbers were descending the mountain, Beck was left for dead by his fellow mountaineers. They believed that there was no way he would make it down the mountain alive.

Beck remembers 'dying', but when the sun rose he saw a vision of his family in front of him. Beck was almost totally blind by this point, unable to feel his hands or face, one arm was frozen over his head, and he hadn't eaten for three days or had any water for two.

Despite this, Beck managed to walk, alone, back to the nearest camp where, a second time, he was left alone in a tent to die. Again he refused to do so, and was eventually airlifted off the mountain by helicopter.

After watching the film, I read an interview with Beck. He talks about how he lost both his hands. Then, he was sitting in a chair back home when a chunk of his right eyebrow fell off. Later, he walked down the hall and his left big toe broke off and went skittering away, followed a while afterwards, by his nose.

You would think, wouldn't you, that Beck would feel a bit bitter? About losing so many crucial body parts. About being left for dead by his fellow climbers. But no.

Beck says: would I do it again? The answer is yes, even if I knew everything that was going to happen. I traded my hands for my family and my future. It is a bargain I readily accept. For the first time in my life I have peace. I searched all over the world for that which would fulfil me, and all along it was in my own back yard. I am a blessed individual. Even better, I know it.

Beck is grateful!

This made me feel incredibly humble.

So, next time I'm struggling with the Wine Witch, I'm going to remember Beck, walking blind, with a frozen nose and hands, his arm stuck above his head, and I'm going to think THIS IS NOTHING!

The human spirit can achieve way more than this. You just have to believe, keep that vision of your loved ones in front of you, and put one frozen foot in front of the other.

Beck traded his hands for his family and his future, and to find peace. All we need to do is to step away from the bottle....

That's a much easier mountain to climb, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

(Huge congrats to Jennifer from Canada, who's made it to 6 MONTHS SOBER and is now standing on the summit of Everest on a clear, sunny day with no blizzard in sight!)

Love SM x

The Obstacle Course

I read loads of sober blogs, and I get hundreds of e-mails and comments from readers of Mummy was a Secret Drinker.

The ones that really make me want to cry, and yell in frustration, are the ones written by people who do the first few days over and over and over again.

They do four days sober, then back to day one. They manage ten days next time, then go on a bender. Three days. Four days again. Ad infinitum.

I get it! I really do. I've been there. We all have. And you do just have to keep persevering until one day it just sticks.

But now, with the benefit of six months of hindsight, I just want to grab them in a big bear hug and yell "Nooooo! You're doing the hardest part over and over, without ever making it to the good bits!"

And the problem is, the longer you spend wallowing around in those early dark days of despair, the more you manage to re-enforce the idea in your subconscious that that's what sobriety is all about.

So, if that's you, then think about it like this:

Imagine you're standing in a field which you've been in for a long, long time. Initially it was beautiful - filled with wild flowers, friends, sunshine and fluffy bunnies (maybe the bunnies are a bit too much? But, hell, I'm going with it).

But, over time, it's got more and more miserable in your field. There are still some sunny days, but there's an awful lot of rain, and some terrible thunderstorms. You keep thinking the flowers are growing back, but they die before they bloom. The bunnies are few and far between.

Then you start meeting people who tell you about another field, not too far away. They've seen it. Some of them live in it. It's everything your field used to be, if not more so. And they appreciate it so much more because they've seen what your desolate home looks like. They used to live there too.

"Hey, come and live with us!" they tell you. Because they're not mean and selfish. They know that there's plenty of room at their place for everyone, and they genuinely want more friends.

You really, really want to join them. But there's a hitch. There's a huge great obstacle course in the way. You can't see the whole course, only the obstacle directly in front of you. And you can't see the promised land on the other side. You have no idea how big the course is, how long it takes to get through it, or whether you're up to it.

But you know that you can't stay where you are. It's only going to get worse. So you take a leap and throw yourself at the first obstacle....

Initially it's not too hard. You've got bags of energy and enthusiasm. But, after you've been over a twelve foot wall, through a leech infested, waterlogged ditch, and dug under a fence with your bare hands you're exhausted. Fed up. You have no proof that this place even exists. You have no idea if you can ever make it that far, and you're desperate to go back to somewhere familiar, where you're not so tired, and cold and scared....

.....so you go back to your field. And initially it's great to be home. The other people stranded there welcome you back with open arms and tell you that the alternative field doesn't really exist. You're comfortable. You know what you're dealing with. You think you can see the sun coming out and a bunny in the distance....

....but you were fooling yourself. There are no bunnies left any more. The thunderstorms come harder and harder. Eventually you throw yourself at the twelve foot wall again. You brave the leeches again. You dig the tunnel. You make it to the fifth obstacle this time before you go back to the beginning.

You go back because you have no proof. You don't know how long it takes. You don't know if you can do it. You're exhausting yourself by doing those first few obstacles over and over again. It's just too hard.

So, if that's you, then listen to this. Because I do know (as do many people reading this who I'm hoping will back me up in the comments below). I am going to say it really loudly:

IT DOES EXIST! IT'S EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS YOU'RE HOPING. IT TAKES ABOUT 100 DAYS TO BE ABLE TO SEE IT, AND ABOUT SIX MONTHS TO GET THERE. YOU CAN DO IT.

The truth is that the hardest bit of the obstacle course is the beginning. So you really don't want to keep re-doing the wall, the leeches and the digging. Once you're through those, the other obstacles get easier, and they're further apart. And you get stronger, and fitter and more able to cope.

One thing to look out for is 'false summits'. Sometimes you think you've got there. You've seen no obstacles for ages, and you think THIS IS IT! Only to be confronted by a whopping great wall. (See my post on Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms).

But by now you know how to scale those suckers. It's no biggie. You almost start to get a sense of achievement from making it to the other side of each one. After all, a field with no challenges at all in it would be a little....flat and featureless.

So, my fellow adventurers, pack up your bags, say goodbye to your field, throw yourself at the obstacles and KEEP ON GOING! Do not look back until you get to the end!

For more inspiration, read The Sober Diaries. You can read the first few chapters for free by choosing the 'look inside' feature. Click here in the UK, here in the USA and here in Australia.

Love SM x

Drunk Texting

One of the best things about quitting alcohol is not having to reach for your mobile with trepidation in the morning, to see what havoc your drunken texting wreaked the night before.

How many times have you wished there was a 'retrieve' button you could press before some hapless recipient could read your alcohol fuelled rants, lurking like unexploded land mines in their message folder?

I was even worse with e-mail. I thought I was so erudite after a few vinos. I'd write embarrassingly emotional mails, professing undying love for the recipient, or brimming with self righteous anger over some perceived slight. Or both, simultaneously.

Back in the day, I nearly lost my job over an e-mail, sent after a boozy 'work' lunch (see Alcohol Induced Rage).

I thank my lucky stars that the internet didn't exist for much of my wild, single past.

Today's teenage girls can so easily, fuelled by that heady mixture of hormones and booze, send pictures of what #3 would call their 'noo-noo' to a trusted boyfriend. Then they discover that, once the relationship's ended, they're posted on the internet for any prospective employer to see....

Apparently, it's this fear of being haunted by their drunken exploits, stored forever in the Cloud of Shame, that has led to more and more young people shunning alcohol.

Data from the Office for National Statistics shows that the proportion of teetotal young adults rose by 40% between 2005 and 2013. As a result, Grazia magazine (my only remaining shameful habit) has declared that 'Square's The Thing, the fashion, the new black.'

It seems that going sober is a bit like wearing sequined hotpants and tongue studs: if you're under 25 it's cool and rebellious, but if you're middle aged it makes you look sad and borderline insane.

Much as I love the immediacy and convenience of texting, I miss the tradition, beauty and safety of letter writing.

It's really hard to send a drunken letter. If you're wasted enough to write one, you're too plastered to find an envelope, stamp and make it to a postbox without falling over. Instead, you leave it till the following morning when, now sober (more or less), you see the error of your ways and sigh with relief as you shred or burn it.

The Sunday Times have published an anthology called 'More Letters of Note', and one of my favourite extracts is from a letter written by Katherine Mansfield, author and wife of the literary critic John Middleton Murray, to his mistress, Princess Elizabeth Bibesco in 1921.

Imagine what a drunken text to your husband's (much younger) mistress might look like..... get ur hands off my bloke you b***h, or similar, and compare it to Katherine's masterpiece of anger and condescension, disguised as polite advice:

I am afraid you must stop writing these little love letters to my husband while he and I live together. It is one of the things which is not done in our world. You are very young. Won't you ask your husband to explain to you the impossibility of such a situation. Please do not make me have to write to you again. I do not like scolding people and I simply hate having to teach them manners.

Game, set and match to Katherine!

So I say ban texts, and bring back letter writing.

Or, at least, stop drinking alcohol....

Have a great weekend everyone!

SM x

Blog in the News

Mr SM took one look at me when he got back from work on Tuesday night and said "Uh oh. What's up, SM?"

(There is obviously no mystery left in our marriage)

I confessed that I'd been interviewed by the Times for an article about mothers drinking. He looked a little stunned, but quickly rallied, saying "fret not. It's in the Times2 section. No-one will notice it. No-one ever gets past page ten."

He left for work, as usual, at the crack of dawn, so by the time my alarm went off, at 6.30am, he'd already e-mailed me a copy of the front cover which featured a prominent banner reading THE SECRET SCHOOL RUN DRINKERS.

Not so obscure then.

Luckily, the journalist kept her word and changed a few key details (She gave me four children, for example, rather than three. Easiest childbirth ever), to ensure that it couldn't be obviously recognised as me.

The article was based on some new research by Alcohol Concern which shows that mothers are increasingly likely to crack open a bottle of wine after the school run, rather than making a cup of tea.

Parents are twice as likely to be 'dependant' drinkers than non parents, and half of 'dependant' drinkers are educated to degree level.

Having had a glass or two to 'wind down', these mothers then continue drinking with the husband when he gets home, which all adds up to rather more daily units than the government recommended guidelines.

The Daily Mail article on the same research quotes a doctor from The Priory who says that they are seeing more and more mothers drinking heavily, and that it's probable that many of them are still over the limit when they're doing the morning school run.

Is all of this ringing any bells? It certainly was for me. My teapot was totally covered in cobwebs. Why fanny around trying to relax with a cup of tea when a glass of wine hit the spot far more effectively? It'd be like trying to use a toothpick instead of a sledgehammer.

What I find ironic, though, is that women round the country are happy to confess to relying on a glass or three of wine to get through the evening. There's no stigma attached to pouring a large glass of 'mummy juice,' on your own, at wine 'o' clock (which creeps earlier and earlier), or to sharing a bottle with friends after the school run while the kids play.

And yet, as soon as you admit to yourself that it's becoming a bit of a problem and quit altogether, you have to skulk around anonymously, telling friends that you're on antibiotics.

WHY? Why am I the one feeling ashamed?

I happily confess to having been a terrible nicotine addict. I brag about how bad I was. I used to smoke in the morning before I even got out of bed! Ha ha. And if I woke up in the night! And I ALWAYS lit up after sex. But then 12 years ago stopped. Totally. Aren't I clever?! Best thing I ever did!

I tell that story over and over again - with pride.

So, I may not yet be brave enough to stick my name to my interview, but at least I did it. And since it ran 3,000 more people have found there way here. (And no trolls. Yet).

If you're one of them, then WELCOME! And feel free to mail me privately on sobermummy@gmail.com.

The world is changing, slowly....

Love SM x