If someone had told me 2 weeks ago that I'd feel grateful for having a cancerous breast tumour I'd have thought they were crazy, but here I am thinking...
HALLELUIA! IT'S JUST ONE MALIGNANT BREAST TUMOUR!
The scan showed nothing else. It's not gone anywhere. Just sitting happily, minding its own business in the bottom left quadrant of the lefty.
And as of Friday it'll be gone. Off to the lab in a jar. And I can get on with chemo (if they decide I need it) and radio, and blitz the hell out of any stragglers.
So today I am happy. Over the moon. And deeply grateful to the Universe, and especially to all of you. For your messages, e-mails and your prayers.
I've hardly told any of my real life friends yet (don't want to ruin anyone's half term!) so feeling the waves of support from you has really propped me up.
When I started this blog eight months ago I had no idea that I would come to rely on it so massively, or that at times it would feel like the only thing keeping me sane.
A special thank you to Jill who got her whole congregation to pray for me! Nobody's ever done anything like that for me before.
One of my readers happens to be a breast cancer survivor and a nurse. She sent me an e-mail entitled 'The dolphin didn't lie'. I must have read this mail at least twenty times. Here's an excerpt (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing):
I am making a guess here because I don't know you but I think that you have never asked "why me?" Because the question is really "why not me?" Not because of lifestyle, past misdemeanours etc but because everyone is dealt a bad hand at some point in their life be it divorce, bereavement, ill health, whatever! It's the old adage 'life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. Its about learning to dance in the rain.'
Funnily enough, I wrote a post on called Dancing in the Rain (click here) back in May - which now seems like another country.
And right now it may still be raining - after all I still have cancer - but I'm dancing in it, and the storm will pass.
Since I can't have a glass of champagne to celebrate, I have bought 2 boxes of Matchmakers (orange and mint flavour) which I'm going to eat until I feel physically sick.
(Keeping fingers crossed for my much beloved Aunt who gets her scan results on Friday)
I love you all.
SM x
Showing posts with label cancer diagnosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer diagnosis. Show all posts
Wednesday, 28 October 2015
Deals With The Universe
Do you remember when you were little doing deals with the Universe (or with God)?
I certainly did. I would say things like If I get a Cindy doll for Christmas I will never be mean to my little brother again, and will eat all my greens for ever and ever amen.
Then, hopefully, the much coveted Cindy doll would arrive, and I'd be - momentarily - phenomenally grateful. I'd hug my brother and eat some brussel sprouts.
Then I'd forget about it all. I'd move onto Barbie dolls or Girl's World, start pinching my brother when no-one's looking, and trying to get the dog to eat my green beans.
So, as I wait for the results from my scan yesterday, I thought that I would immortalise my deal with the Universe on the wonderful world wide web, so that, if I ever take anything for granted again, I can come back and read it.
Here it is:
Dear Universe,
If I find out today that my cancer is 'localised' and has not spread, I promise to:
1. Never, ever envy the lives or possessions of other people. I will always remember that love, family and health are truly the most important things in life, and that if you have those you are utterly blessed.
2. Make the most of every day and every moment. To treasure every bedtime story, hug, family meal, shared joke - all those little moments that make life special.
3. Be the sort of mother, wife and friend that others can rely on in a crisis, the one they turn to first. To be their rock when they need one, as people have been for me. And I'll help my children to grow up strong and wise, so that they can look after themselves when I'm no longer here.
4. Look after and respect my body. Our bodies are incredible machines, but they need us to keep them safe. I will never again fill my body with toxins and poisons (although chocolate is fine, and I'm not about to start posting recipes for kale smoothies).
5. Give back. I have spent most of my life focussing on ME. Through this blog, maybe a book, and through random acts of kindness, I will make sure that every day I give something back.
But, if it's spread, and I'm told to put my affairs in order, then all bets are off, Universe. I'll look up at you, cursing, from the gutter, empty vodka bottle in hand....
.....only kidding.
Huge thanks to you all for all your prayers and best wishes. You have helped me more than you can possibly imagine, and I love you *weeping*
SM x
P.S. I note that someone has found my blog by typing 'Real Mummy's Massive Tits' into Google. I do apologise if this blog is not what you were looking for.
I certainly did. I would say things like If I get a Cindy doll for Christmas I will never be mean to my little brother again, and will eat all my greens for ever and ever amen.
Then, hopefully, the much coveted Cindy doll would arrive, and I'd be - momentarily - phenomenally grateful. I'd hug my brother and eat some brussel sprouts.
Then I'd forget about it all. I'd move onto Barbie dolls or Girl's World, start pinching my brother when no-one's looking, and trying to get the dog to eat my green beans.
So, as I wait for the results from my scan yesterday, I thought that I would immortalise my deal with the Universe on the wonderful world wide web, so that, if I ever take anything for granted again, I can come back and read it.
Here it is:
Dear Universe,
If I find out today that my cancer is 'localised' and has not spread, I promise to:
1. Never, ever envy the lives or possessions of other people. I will always remember that love, family and health are truly the most important things in life, and that if you have those you are utterly blessed.
2. Make the most of every day and every moment. To treasure every bedtime story, hug, family meal, shared joke - all those little moments that make life special.
3. Be the sort of mother, wife and friend that others can rely on in a crisis, the one they turn to first. To be their rock when they need one, as people have been for me. And I'll help my children to grow up strong and wise, so that they can look after themselves when I'm no longer here.
4. Look after and respect my body. Our bodies are incredible machines, but they need us to keep them safe. I will never again fill my body with toxins and poisons (although chocolate is fine, and I'm not about to start posting recipes for kale smoothies).
5. Give back. I have spent most of my life focussing on ME. Through this blog, maybe a book, and through random acts of kindness, I will make sure that every day I give something back.
But, if it's spread, and I'm told to put my affairs in order, then all bets are off, Universe. I'll look up at you, cursing, from the gutter, empty vodka bottle in hand....
.....only kidding.
Huge thanks to you all for all your prayers and best wishes. You have helped me more than you can possibly imagine, and I love you *weeping*
SM x
P.S. I note that someone has found my blog by typing 'Real Mummy's Massive Tits' into Google. I do apologise if this blog is not what you were looking for.
Tuesday, 20 October 2015
Alcohol and Trauma
A few months ago I might have been able to imagine being sober while everything in life was going well, but I could never picture myself coping with anything majorly traumatic without a drink in hand.
Truth be told, in the early days I would have welcomed a minor trauma as a fabulous excuse to give up giving up.
Now I can honestly tell you that there is no problem in life that cannot be made worse by alcohol.
I have not had a good day.
I managed to get my appointment at the breast clinic bought forward to today. Although 8 out of ten breast lumps are benign (so do not panic if you find one), it appears that mine is not.
In the old days I would have escaped direct to a bar. By now I'd be legless and weeping. There's no way that I'd be able to keep my chin up in front of the children.
I was always aware that whilst I could maintain the façade of 'high functioning alcohol addict' when life was going swimmingly, if life were to throw me a curve ball I'd be swimming in the stuff. The wheels would have well and truly come off and I'd be pouring vodka on the cornflakes at breakfast time. I'd have ridden the elevator all the way down to rock bottom.
But now, one of the only things I can imagine being worse than a cancer diagnosis is a cancer diagnosis with a hangover. The only thing worse than a sleepless night prior to the appointment would be a sleepless night with the alcohol horrors thrown in.
There's nothing better than facing your own mortality to make you realise that you don't want to blot out a single minute with alcohol, or to waste another morning with a hangover.
I'm sure that the reason I'm able to remain (relatively) positive rather than being horribly depressed is because I am sober.
And here are (at the risk of sounding like a punch-able Pollyanna) some reasons to be cheerful:
(1) I have one of the best consultant breast surgeons in the country.
(although his bedside manner is terrible. He copped a feel of my boobs for two minutes and then, without any build up, preamble or preparation said "breast cancer", leaving the poor nurse to run over with a box of tissues and scoop me off the floor).
(2) They are pretty sure (and will know more by Friday) that it is STAGE 1 - which, as cancers go, is a very good one to have.
(3) They have promised me that they will make sure I don't lose my hair (I don't want to scare the kids).
(4) One of the best ways to ensure that you don't get breast cancer, or (in my case) don't get it again, is to not drink alcohol. And I've ticked that one off already.
(5) Next time someone annoys me by grilling me as to why I'm not drinking I can say because it doesn't go well with chemotherapy which will really shut them up good and proper.
(6) The best way to deal with cancer treatment is to take it one day at a time. Baby steps. Stay in the moment - don't look ahead. Face your emotions. And after the last (nearly) eight months I have a post grad degree in all of that stuff.
(7) What better way to support my Aunt during her cancer treatment than to join in?
(8) I have the support of a fabulous family, and the constant distraction of three amazing kids who can always make me smile.
So please don't feel sorry for me, just do me a favour and think if SM can stay sober while having part of her boob hacked off then the rest blitzed with lasers and soaked in poison then I jolly well can too.
(And make sure you check your boobs regularly. My quick once over when I heard about my Aunt's diagnosis probably saved my life).
Have we got a deal?
Love SM x
Truth be told, in the early days I would have welcomed a minor trauma as a fabulous excuse to give up giving up.
Now I can honestly tell you that there is no problem in life that cannot be made worse by alcohol.
I have not had a good day.
I managed to get my appointment at the breast clinic bought forward to today. Although 8 out of ten breast lumps are benign (so do not panic if you find one), it appears that mine is not.
In the old days I would have escaped direct to a bar. By now I'd be legless and weeping. There's no way that I'd be able to keep my chin up in front of the children.
I was always aware that whilst I could maintain the façade of 'high functioning alcohol addict' when life was going swimmingly, if life were to throw me a curve ball I'd be swimming in the stuff. The wheels would have well and truly come off and I'd be pouring vodka on the cornflakes at breakfast time. I'd have ridden the elevator all the way down to rock bottom.
But now, one of the only things I can imagine being worse than a cancer diagnosis is a cancer diagnosis with a hangover. The only thing worse than a sleepless night prior to the appointment would be a sleepless night with the alcohol horrors thrown in.
There's nothing better than facing your own mortality to make you realise that you don't want to blot out a single minute with alcohol, or to waste another morning with a hangover.
I'm sure that the reason I'm able to remain (relatively) positive rather than being horribly depressed is because I am sober.
And here are (at the risk of sounding like a punch-able Pollyanna) some reasons to be cheerful:
(1) I have one of the best consultant breast surgeons in the country.
(although his bedside manner is terrible. He copped a feel of my boobs for two minutes and then, without any build up, preamble or preparation said "breast cancer", leaving the poor nurse to run over with a box of tissues and scoop me off the floor).
(2) They are pretty sure (and will know more by Friday) that it is STAGE 1 - which, as cancers go, is a very good one to have.
(3) They have promised me that they will make sure I don't lose my hair (I don't want to scare the kids).
(4) One of the best ways to ensure that you don't get breast cancer, or (in my case) don't get it again, is to not drink alcohol. And I've ticked that one off already.
(5) Next time someone annoys me by grilling me as to why I'm not drinking I can say because it doesn't go well with chemotherapy which will really shut them up good and proper.
(6) The best way to deal with cancer treatment is to take it one day at a time. Baby steps. Stay in the moment - don't look ahead. Face your emotions. And after the last (nearly) eight months I have a post grad degree in all of that stuff.
(7) What better way to support my Aunt during her cancer treatment than to join in?
(8) I have the support of a fabulous family, and the constant distraction of three amazing kids who can always make me smile.
So please don't feel sorry for me, just do me a favour and think if SM can stay sober while having part of her boob hacked off then the rest blitzed with lasers and soaked in poison then I jolly well can too.
(And make sure you check your boobs regularly. My quick once over when I heard about my Aunt's diagnosis probably saved my life).
Have we got a deal?
Love SM x
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