Saturday 13 January 2018

Let's Stop Being Anonymous!



I realise that I'm not one to talk here.

When I first quit drinking, I told no-one. Except my husband, as it was pretty obvious to him.

I told no-one because I was embarrassed. I was ashamed that in a world where everyone drinks, I was unable to control booze. I thought I was the only one.

I imagined that if I told my friends that I'd quit that they would judge me and assume that I'd been a terrible lush (partly true) and a terrible mother (not true, at least not most of the time).

I thought they'd label me boring and stop inviting me to parties. I thought they'd worry that I'd become all preachy and judgemental (as if I'm in a position to judge anyone!).

I created a pseudonym, SoberMummy, and found you guys, my fellow sober warriors, on the internet.

So, after all this anonymity, it felt a little ironic, to say the least, to find myself on LIVE TV last week.

That's me on the sofa on the Victoria Derbyshire show on Friday. I'm going to be on the Lorraine show tomorrow morning (Monday).

You see, I realise now that if we all stay silent then nothing will change and, more importantly, it's our stories that change the lives of those following on behind us.

I did a webinar (until recently I didn't even know what a webinar was!) on Soberistas last week (it's up on their website, under 'webinars'), and talked about the power of the first moment when I realised that I was not alone.

I was driving my car along a dual carriageway and listening to Woman's Hour on Radio 4. A lady came on called Lucy Rocca. I nearly crashed my car, because she started talking about my life.

As Lucy talked about her issues with booze, I realised that I was not alone. As she talked about her life since, I realised that there was hope and that life without booze might not only be possible, but actually enjoyable.

At the Golden Globes recently, Oprah said "what I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have."

And she's right, because our stories change lives. They make people feel less isolated and they spread hope.

And you know what I've discovered since I came out with a bang (yet more evidence that I'm an all-or-nothing person and just can't do moderation!)?

When you tell your truth, loudly and proudly, when you make yourself vulnerable, people applaud you and support you. They don't judge (with the exception of a few trolls on the Mail Online).

Since my book came out two weeks ago, telling my story in all its gory detail, I've had literally hundreds of messages from people all over the world saying that's my life you're describing. I'm so relieved I'm not alone!

(To buy my book, The Sober Diaries, click here. Or you can read the first few chapters for free using the 'look inside' feature).

When I first started talking to publishers, some of them said "Your book might sell on Kindle, but no-one is going to want to be seen holding a book with Sober in the title."

Well, they were wrong, because last week loads of well known Instagrammers posted pictures of themselves HOLDING MY BOOK! Loud and proud!

I was so chuffed that I actually started Instagramming myself. I'm not very good at it yet, but if you'd like to follow me, I'm on @clare_pooley (Don't forget that underscore, or you get another, very confused, Clare Pooley!)

Things are changing, my friends. It's starting to become not only okay to confess to quitting the booze, but positively fashionable! 

So, once you're feeling comfortable, and you can face the inevitable questions that arise, then do consider COMING OUT and joining the Sober Revolution!

Hurrah for us!

There's loads of new stuff on the SoberMummy Facebook page (click here to go there, 'like' to stay updated) including an incredibly poignant 'farewell to alcohol' written by an old advertising buddy of mine, and great articles on quitting booze from The Pool and The Guardian.

Let's say NO to sober shame,

Love SM x

49 comments:

  1. Yes I have often thought about just using my real name, but I think that will have to wait until I stop with the the stopping and starting drinking. I'm so happy your book is doing so well. Oprah's speech was so powerful, what a woman.

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  2. I’ve just started my sober journey (Day 13 today) under the cover of Dry January. My family are completely aware how bad I am at ‘just one glass’ as I’m sure my friends are. But for now I’ll stay anonymous online until I’m ready to tell the world why I quit.

    But thank you for your candour - you’re a real inspiration and I’m finding your book a great help!

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    1. Huge congrats on your first two weeks! Whoop whoop!

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  3. I can't even begin to thank you enough for writing this incredible book xx and, I know everyone is saying it, but it is/was my life too. I'm now on day 15 of what was meant to be dry January - I've now committed to 90 days, because if I say forever my husband is convinced we'll separate as, if remove, a very present, Mrs Pinot from our lives we'll no longer have anything in common!! Luckily I'm also stubborn and thrive on everyone laughing out loud and telling me I'll never do it!! So, thank you once again for encouraging us all to start living. You're a true inspiration, Love Jo (PS - using the word 'love' as feel you're my new best friend!! X

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    1. I totally get the whole telling your husband. Mine has accepted it so far as he thinks I'm just doing the usual 'dry January' god knows what will happen when I tell him it's forever, ha ha��!! Here's to the sober revolution!!!

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    2. Absolutely!! We've had friends over this evening and he was telling them that he can accept 90 days because of me researching and wanting to do it for health reasons but he'd struggle with any longer. He also read an article about a couple separating when they gave up drinking as they realised they had nothing in common!! Bless him!! Hilarious considering that when I was living on wine I was either stroppy, buying crap on Amazon or falling asleep!! Xx

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    3. I get this too. I’ve had two stints of 6 months off and we barely spoke/did anything together during this time. Day 16 of forever and I see the same patterns/sulking starting again. Oh well. xx

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    4. I am worried to be honest. Initially he was very enthusiastic, I’m convinced because he thought it wouldn’t last. He’s still saying the right things but the enthusiasm has gone and you can tell he’s bored with it now. He’s drinking as much as ever - maybe more? Or maybe I just notice more now.

      We are in the middles of moving house which is stressful enough isn’t it, so I’m hoping it’s as much that as anything else. I suppose I am imposing a huge change in our lives and habits on him and it will take him time to get used to it. As you say WMBW -Oh Well xx

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    5. Exactly, it is a huge change. Our children have grown up and gone and our daily drinking together has become a way of life. Meeting after work, walking the dog's, theatre, cinema, shopping have always included SHARING a bottle OF wine - our marriage and friendship literally revolve around it. He is hating every minute of his dry January where as, at the moment, I'm loving my new sober life. So, let the bigger challenge commence girls!!! It's 2.40am - so now need to try and get back to sleep and hope the sleeping better reward will kick in soon! Xx

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    6. It’s so difficult if your partner is a big drinker too, because you’re making them confront their own issues and fear and that makes them super uncomfortable! I hope that over time they’ll see the huge benefits to your life and be insured to follow suit or, at least, to support you! ❤️

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    7. I started reading your book this week, it is like reading my own autobiography. You are on day 226 I am on day 4. I am already feeling the fear of what a long journey I have ahead and how will I cope! I am too 46 and I have two beautiful children and age 10 and 12. They don't deserve this and I want them to have a mummy they can be proud of. Thank you for your honesty and for inspiring me xxx I CAN DO THIS!!

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    8. Dear anonymous...DON'T look at 'the long journey,' not a glance. That does seem overwhelming, un-do-able. Just the next five minutes, the next hour...the ticking off of another AF day and the exhulting feel of 'congratulations!' - northwoman

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    9. I also just think of the immediate future, even though I am desperate to now stay off all alcohol. None of us need pressure, so one day at a time. If you told me I'd be on day 17, I would of struggle to believe it. Stay positive Anonymous - you're doing brilliantly xx

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    10. Thank you ladies!!xx

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  4. Well done Clare you came across brilliantly!

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  5. Love your blog, your book and all the interviews you’ve given so far! Love too the number of people you’re inspiring to stay sober by telling “their” story. Go you!! ❤️

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  6. I’ve been battling to post my comment here! Here goes another attempt. I just really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart Clare. You have truly changed my life. Just realising that I’m not the only woman on earth with this problem (which is truly what I believed before) has made such a difference. I can’t wait to see you on Lorraine tomorrow!

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    1. So glad I helped! And sorry Blogger is being a bit glitchy with the comments at the moment! You really are not alone! Hugs xxx

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  7. Hi Clare. Just wanted to say how totally inspired I am by your blog and book. I gave up drinking for 362 days in 2016 and the fell spectacularly off the wagon in February 2017. This year I am determined to succeed. I have been wine free for 7 weeks now but had the occasional small G&T after that. However that has now stopped and I have now been completely alcohol free for a week. I have read your book from cover to cover and love it! That together with joining soberistas.com and buying several more of the recommended bookies from Amazon I’m sure will keep me on the straight and narrow this time. I am absolutely determined and so just wanted to say a huge THANK YOU for starting me on what will be an incredible journey. Keep posting! Xx

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    1. Yay! So pleased! Having fallen off the wagon before, you’ll know the danger signs to look out for this time too. Yay!

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  8. Clare I'm so excited for you I could pee! But then again we're middle-aged so who couldn't, right? Following you on the instagram under my "actual" name...

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    1. Ha ha! Don’t make me laugh too hard (pelvic floor!) xxx

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    2. LOL! I just had the thought - we shouldn't think of this 'problem' as being middle-aged. More just like being a really happy puppy!!

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  9. I have just read your book while on an all inclusive holiday.. picture the scene, lots of people hell bent on drinking from the minute they wake until the minute they sleep!
    I lost my alcoholic mother (albeit sober for her last 10 years ) only last March just a week after being diagnosed with cancer.
    Throughout your book clare i have cried tears both of happiness AND sadness.
    Thankyou for this inspiring read..
    You are A.MAZE.ING
    Continue to rock . . Chick 💋

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    1. I’m going on holiday tomorrow and would normallly have booked all inclusive and drank the bar dry. This time I have booked half board and don’t intend to have anything more than tonic or soda . Fingers crossed .

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    2. I’m so sorry about your Mum Kerry! She’d be so proud of you now, I’m sure. And, anonymous, Sober holidays are THE BEST! You get to appreciate all of it! Just you wait! Xxx

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  10. It does feel like a sober revolution!!! Woo hoo!!! Xx

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  11. I’m still struggling to ‘come out’ with confidence. I have been staggered how gobsmacked people are when I’ve said I’m not drinking, and that’s when they think it’s just Dry January. No one would encourage me to have ‘one more’ cigarette if I was giving up smoking, why is this different. I haven’t been brave enough to say I have stopped drinking (hopefully 🤞) for ever. I don’t think they would be able to cope!

    I’m just getting to the end of Day 14 like many of us. I am proud of myself. I am starting to feel different. The headache has gone, I am sleeping so well and I’ve actually got the energy and enthusiasm to get off my backside and do things, I’ve had such a productive weekend and I am thrilled with myself.

    Thank you to everyone on here, every single comment is helping me and I feel part of something xxx

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    1. 14 days is amazing . .
      Keep going, odaat 👌🏼
      Xx

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    2. I’m on day 12 , hope I have the strength to continue.

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    3. This is only the beginning! Just you wait - miracles are around the corner! Keep going! You are awesome, all you Day 14-ers!

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  12. To borrow Step Away's phrase above, "We are are part of something tremendous!" I've been trying to quit since 2015, but this time, I've come out to those I care and love with the truth about myself. While some say I'm being drastic (number of reasons why they say this, but...) the majority are behind me 100%. And if any choose to judge me, well, that's their problem not mine. So Viva the Revolution!

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  13. From looking at life through the distorted bottom of a wine glass to that early morning clear eyed child's clarity ... What a leap!! I am now finding it easier to talk about rather than mutter an excuse ... And I never expected that! Lead on Clare .. We are right behind you ....

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  14. Just watched you on Lorraine and you were brilliant !! Loved your book so much :)

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  15. Just seen you in Lorraine!!! You were amazing!!!! I feel s proud to be part of this sober journey!!!! And you looked fabulous, positively glowing!!! Xxxxxx

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  16. Day 8 for me and have 'come out' straight away. Couldn't believe the reaction!! Told a friend I was driving to her birthday meal at the weekend, she then emailed the whole group going saying " I know of one driver, hope the rest are drinking" Trying to make me feel like I am letting down the 'party' methinks??!! Staying strong though, am sure life is going to be better on the other side x

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    1. Argh! How annoying! You know it’s her problem, not yours, right? And when they start seeing how your life changes for the better without the booze, hopefully they’ll be inspired to join you! Xxx

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  17. You were brilliant on Lorraine today! I watched the programme the minute I came in from work.

    I still struggle to tell new people I meet that I don't drink but my friends and family are all very aware now and most no longer care or try and persuade me to have just one.

    I love all the comments from people you're inspiring to get sober in 2018. For those starting out please keep going - it is soooo worth it.

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  18. Thank you so much Clare, your book has helped me more than you can imagine. Day 13 today. My story is much the same as yours. Alcohol became the crutch then it became the problem. It’s time to break away from that now. I hope to find some support to keep going on this blog as it can be a lonely place!

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    1. Don’t be lonely! Check out Soberistas and Club Soda too for thousands of sober buddies! And over time you’ll find more in real life too! Hugs xxx

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  19. I’m back on Day 2 after falling spectacularly off the wagon at the weekend. I feel so disheartened as I had felt I was seriously making a change this time. All I can is start again though.

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    1. Don’t feel disheartened. You are starting again. You haven’t given up, you hit a high wall in your field. Next time you get there you will be equipped to conquer it. Be proud you have made such a life improving decision and look forward not back. We are all here for you xxx

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    2. Don’t beat yourself up! See it as a learning experience! If you haven’t done so already, read Jason Vale’s book ‘Kick the Drink’, it really helps to get your head in the right place! Keep on going - one day at a time. Don’t look back!

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    3. I am at the stage of being so grateful to you and so many others for making me realise I am not alone. But trying to get there! So scared and lonely.

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    4. Oh Dulcie, don’t be scared or lonely. We are all in the same boat and everyone on here has been amazingly supportive. You are not alone, just shout anytime you need a friendly ear ❤️Xx

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  21. Bought your book. Reading now. Day 1 today. I thought I was the only one with a massive problem. I'm excited to get my life back and lose the shame and guilt.

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