Saturday, 16 July 2016

Self Destruct

I went to a party last night.

It probably wasn't a good idea. I had the distinct impression that people were trying to avoid me.

Three times I went up to talk to an old friend of mine. Every time she walked off. Eventually, exasperated, I asked her why. "I'm sorry, it's just I don't know what to say," she replied.

(I'm not angry with her. I understand. Who wants to be confronted by the spectre of the Grim Reaper at a social event? A year ago I'd have been the same).

It became clear that someone who's just recovered from cancer, whose great friend died four days ago, and who doesn't even drink is not an ideal party guest.

I went to check my 'phone, in case the babysitter had rung, only to discover that there was a sodding coup going on in Turkey and hundreds were dead. Somehow it seemed like the final straw.

So I left.

And today everything just feels joyless. I can't quite work out what it's all for. And I have this huge urge to just press the big red self destruct button while shouting FUCK IT. FUCK IT ALL.

And that's not at all like me, as regular readers will testify.

Hopefully normal service will be resumed soon.

SM x

35 comments:

  1. I found myself in a similar place recently. After analysing the situation I came to the conclusion it was PAWS. I thought we'd be well past that now but maybe not. Just go with what you need to do. I was camping at the time,watching a beautiful sunset and crying buckets. It felt like it just came from nowhere but maybe that's because we are strong for so long it catches us unawares. Take timeout. For you. Feed your soul. You'll get past this. Big hugs LNM x

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  2. "Pain is your friend; it is your ally. Pain reminds you to finish the job and get the hell home. Pain tells you when you have been seriously wounded. And you know what the best thing about pain is? It tells you you're not dead yet." - G.I Jane . Stay away from the big red button SM, the pain will diminish , the joy will come back like a bright light, give yourself time G.I SM. There are 1000's of people out here for you, as you have been here for us. Lean on us xx

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  3. these are scary times. But your friend walking off -that's not good. I don't know what to say - I always imagine things are my fault - but SM - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. I know that doesn't make things right. Thoughts and support be with you.

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  4. I honestly and truly believe that you have been terribly let down and treated dreadfully by your friend at the party SM. I'm not surprised that you left and that you feel the way you do. Allow yourself to feel upset and don't feel guilty about it. As for your friend, I feel very sorry for her as her negative attitude is very much a problem for her, not you.
    You are wonderful and immensely strong both physically and mentally, you have had to be. But you are also human. You'll come back fighting from this, in the meantime please accept our collective positive energy.

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  5. SM - I am so sorry you are having a hard go of it right now. I personally think you are amazing. Know that "this too shall pass". The world is so full of idiots right now....we need to be the shining example that there is still good out there. Big hugs.

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  6. No SM, its more the little black world that I inhabit most of the time. I can't do much about your friend for whom I am truly sorry but leave me to worry about Turkey, BREXIT, Jeremy Corbyn. The truly redeeming features are that Chris Evans is off Top Gear and TM the PM has a sense of humour in making BJ - FS. Sorry to the non-brits but its late and I'm tired after cutting the hedge all day. The ability to say "fuck it" should be more widely respected as it is generally underused in my view - I try to focus on what is going to effect me in the next few hours so a good many people and things have become less relevant. So my advice for what its worth is concentrate on you and your family this next week. When my father died, many years ago, I was abroad and flew back, predictably drinking on the flight and when I got home. I drank because it was partly a family thing (not my father, he didn't really) and because it was what was expected of me. I look back and I am ashamed of my behaviour and it didn't help.............. but there you go, you can't turn back the clock.


    Justonemore

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    1. Excellent post. My sentiments exactly. Sometimes I say Fuck It a hundred times a day.

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  7. Hmmm - so pleased you didn't drink (I was afraid with that header) - Agree with the above - that the old friend is pretty lame - sorry no way around that. Very very sorry for the loss of your friend - and proud of you for soldiering on - SH loves you - the kids love you - the readers love you - carry on - Hugs Eeyore

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  9. Your human, very real to relate to with your honesty. As many have said, and will say, this too shall pass. But I appreciate you "told it like it was!" Never stop being you.

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  10. You are entitled to have a day that's joyless. You just lost a dear friend, you've had a shit year, and the world looks like its fallig apart. Carry on and scream FUCK IT...but don't drink. Because you know that in the morning, you will still have lost a dear friend, you will still be a cancer survivor and terrible things will still be happening in the world - and you will have a hangover. Big hugs SM. Keep on swimming, that dolphin will turn up soon. xx

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  11. The enormity of your loss, such a good and decent friend...that alone is just a big thing to handle. But factor in the rest of the world...god knows, on whichever side of the globe you inhabt, the news has been just sadbad for what seems like weeks. Here in the US, between Orlando and Texas...and too many individual stories of unjust loss - seems like our flags have spent more time at half staff than not.

    So if we ever wondered about the reason WHY for the adorable pet photos and videos that circulate....this is it. I have not been able to watch our network news for weeks. But pics of kitties fighting boxes? Or tiptoeing great danes...call me shallow, but I find it all a great escape. Because, yeah - sometimes real life just totally sucks.

    So have a merry fuck cluck...things WILL get better. Sigh.



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  12. I feel like the world is losing its mind. It seems to be non stop.

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    1. I feel like that too PDTG! I've always bit of a news addict so am compelled to follow everything on tv, the press and the media. I should just turn it all off and have a few days away from it all. We live in historic times. Mad times. I feel very unsettled.

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  13. All good thoughts your way. Echoing what everyone else has already said, especially about your friend's...odd...response to you. Sending internet hugs.

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  14. Dearest SM - Big cyber hugs - Love SFM xxx

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  15. Hi SM,

    As many others have said you are grieving and need to allow yourself to feel 'joyless'and all of those other negative emotions that come with grief and just being human. I believe you did a strong thing leaving the party. You said 'what I need right now is to be at home, I am grieving and need time away from joyful social activities' so well done you. You did what you needed to do.

    May I make a suggestion......

    When the time is right, maybe after the funeral or before whenever you feel is right. Buy yourself a little book, a diary or note book. One with a pretty cover that you like and can relate to.
    Each day write in it, 3 things that are good about the world. Not big things, but little thing. You will need to look for them to start off with, and you may even struggle to find them at first. Don't include things you consume like food, but some examples of mine are 'the feeling of getting into a freshly made bed at night' the colour of the trees' Whatching my little boy drink our of a cup' 'That big cosy jumper that's like a great big hug' 'Seeing the moon in the sky when it's still daylight'

    These are the small things in life that make us feel good. We so aimlessly pass them by each day. When you notice one, mentally take a note in your head to write in down in your book and give yourself a few seconds to appreciate it.

    I did this when I first gave up drinking and it really got me through (along with your blog on the obstacle course).
    I am going to do it again now as after 6 months I am back to drinking again this month, but feel I will recover from this blip.

    Do what you need to do right now. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to feel even though you may not like how you feel.

    Do something crazy too, like sending that blimin' book off to the publishers ;-) what have you got to loose, and time is short hey XXX

    Lots of love XXX

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  16. No indeed, SM this is not like you at all. When sober, these events are felt more keenly I think. No more turning to our drug of choice to numb the pain. Of course you will soon bounce back but we all have days of thinking "fuck it", particularly when there is no answer or no way we can alter something caused by others. You will soon bounce back and a bit of positive thinking for all of us is the order of the day! Much love to you and thanks as ever! Therese

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  17. Some people are just utterly clueless about how to deal with others' pain. Makes me mad! Usually they've led charmed lives and have no idea about the pain others endure. Just a hug, or a few kind words would have made such a difference to you.

    You must expect that you're going to feel bad for some time. Grief is the other side of love. If life was just one smooth ride, well - none of us would need to drink!

    This is a tough time. You haven't even had the funeral yet. And you're still coping with the cancer thing behind all this. But you will come through. One day at a time.

    Big big hugs. xxxx

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  18. Oh dear SM, poor you, I am so sorry for you. As for your friend last night, what I should say is something like "well, you never know someone's past trauma and how that informs their ability to cope, or not, with other people's pain blah, blah,blah".
    What I will say is that she is a cow for not being supportive.
    In any event, there are plenty of substitutes here. My only advice is that you should steer away for the news at the moment , while you are in amongst the fury of the death of your friend. There's no room in you at the moment for all that bad stuff that you can do nothing about. Lots of love++

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  19. What's it all for. Big Question. I have no answer except love gives meaning to life. I think God exists. I think miracles happen ie I have gone without alcohol for 6 months today. I think I have you to thank for helping me. Thank you.

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  20. SM. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. Sending you hugs and strength and all vibes good from Sydney Australia xx

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  21. A very big hug filled with love for you SM!♥️

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  22. Dear SM... Thank you for your transparency in ALL things...the good things, the gritty and shitty things. Nothing can take away the sting of hurt your friend left you, your friend's unfortunate death and the state of this world, but by sharing with us, you hopefully feel the love and concern. My therapist has tried to lead me down a path of "hoping" for things vs "expecting" things...It has helped me to not feel so let down and discouraged. Sending you love for peace and strength in the days ahead. I am now almost five and half weeks AF, the longest I have gone since rehab three years ago and you are very much a part of my story!

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    1. I like that Tams62.."hoping for things versus expecting things." Thank you for that great tidbit!!! xo

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    2. Oh SM....I am so sorry. Just remember that what your party friend did is about HER....not about you! I am sending big cyber hugs across the pond to you! I am also praying that you will find some joy again soon! xo

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  23. Sending massive virtual hugs SM, you touch many lives and personally have helped me so much, it's hard to hear you struggle but remember we're here for you, too!!

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  24. You are going through (and have been through) a lot, SM. Give yourself some time off. Skip the parties and the people who don't matter. Keep the things that make you feel good close and screw the rest of the world. You are so strong and full of life and love. I know you will come out the other side of this even stronger. Sending you a hug. jill

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  25. Don't do it! It will just make things worse and with the funeral still to come things are going to be tough. I have been very very tempted yesterday and today on holiday in France. .... There's rose wine chilling in the fridge in the gite but I won't do it cos I'd hate myself tomorrow! Take care xxx

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  26. I really reacted strongly to this post. It is bullshit that friends could treat you that way. If I read it right, she is no friend at all. I think getting sober reveals who your true friends are.

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  27. Dear SM. I have not posted for a while but have been reading your every post. I am so, so sorry to hear of everything you are going through at the moment. In times like these it feels like when it rains it pours. But like all storms they do pass and the sun does come out again. In the words of your great countryman Winston Churchill "If you are going through hell keep going." Sending you warm virtual hugs xxoo

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  30. I am so sorry your friend handled herself poorly. When I was drinking, I probably would have bungled it as well. The trauma we go through quitting and staying sober forces us to do internal work to make us better people (as you know). For those that are drinking too much, or those that have not had to face a similar major challenge, they haven't been forced to do that inner work. Don't let her limitation make you feel sad. You have enough on your plate right now. It makes me think of the serenity prayer - "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. " Much love & big hugs.

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  31. Sending you an enormous hug.

    Some people are so terribly afraid of having an AWKWARD MOMENT that they panic. Doesn't make it right, especially coming from a friend.

    Speaking as someone from the other side, I can't watch the news here either. All we seem to know how to do is shoot each other and we just might elect a raving hate-filled divisive narcissist President. WTF...

    But you, my darling, are one of the bright lights in the world. Today for me is Day 200 and I have my lurking here to thank in great part, so I send you my utmost thanks and admiration.

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