Tuesday 1 March 2016

Gratification and Rewards

I've made some wonderful virtual friends through this blog. One of them is an amazing lady called J.

J first mailed me a couple of months ago. She sounds SO like me. She's roughly the same age and had the same sort of full on London media job (with the bar in the office, and obligatory lunchtime boozing).

Like me, she has a handful of young children, and she too had breast cancer. In fact, she spent her fortieth birthday on the radiotherapy machine, sobbing.

When I posted about my ongoing fears of dying, and about my initial nightmares with Tamoxifen, J mailed me straight back and held my hand across the worldwide interwebby. She's just fab.

J said something in one of her e-mails recently which I wanted to share (and she agreed). Here it is:

When I took my very alcoholic friend, the "bon viveur" ex-Odd Bins manager (though let's face it we are all in the same boat) to his alcohol counsellor (yes the irony), I was struck by what he said. 

He told my friend about the profound difference between gratification and reward. "Gratification" being the instant fix from alcohol, but ultimately un-rewarding. Then he talked about the real "rewards" of life which you have documented so beautifully in your blogs. 

This really struck a chord with me.

I think I've spent my whole life chasing the 'instant fix', or the easy high. And alcohol - at least initially - works a treat. Feel like a boost? Just pop that cork and pour. Voila.

I know now that there are three big issues with living life like this.

One: like any drug, your body and brain become acclimatized to alcohol after a while, and it takes more and more of it to produce the same buzz. In fact, soon enough you get to the stage where you have to drink SO much to feel that high, that by the time you're there you're pretty much comatose.

Two: Because you're drinking more and more to reclaim that feeling, the downsides are getting worse and worse. The hangovers, the insomnia, the self hatred..... Need I go on?

Three: You end up spending so much time looking for instant gratification that you stop doing any of things that would give you proper rewards.

I was thinking about my children and their friends. They don't get their highs from alcohol. But their lives are a constant rollercoaster of massive highs (and, obviously, a few lows).

Their highs come from scoring the winning goal of a football match, doing well in an exam, mastering a skill for the first time, standing up in front of an audience and playing a trumpet.....

.....all the sorts of things that we stop doing in favour of just pouring another drink.

But those things, things you have to work at, things that come with a risk of failure, of humiliation, those are the things that give you a proper high.  A real reward.

When I quit drinking, I thought that life would be - forever and ever - flat. Featureless. Devoid of lows maybe, but also of highs.

I realise now that that's nonsense. You still get the rollercoaster, but it's real, not manufactured. You learn to navigate the lows, the fear and anxiety, because it's only through them that you can reach the massive highs.

The highs don't come from drugs, they come from climbing that mountain (real or metaphorical), running that marathon, making those hundred days, giving that speech, helping your friend, finishing that DIY project, decluttering. All those things that you start doing, slowly, slowly, when you quit drinking.

So, my promise to myself for my second year of being sober (tomorrow is the BIG DAY), is that I am going to make sure that I chase every opportunity to do another loop on that rollercoaster. I'm going to take risks, learn new skills and push through that fear barrier.

Because that's where the real highs are, my friends. Not at the bottom of that bottle.

Love SM x

29 comments:

  1. So true, although I've not reached the total abstinence yet ( 3 small drinks since Christmas)the change and the enjoyment from all the little things that happen in life are returning. Funny enough so is my self confidence, its so true how the thing that makes you feel invincible is actually the thing that is destroying you. Waking up and feeling like you can take on the world is indeed a marvellous thing. xx

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    1. Hear hear! Keep at it Gintojuice! Huge hugs xxx

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    2. YES, yes yes another brilliant blog
      So very true. Your explain so brilliantly the reality of everything.
      I replied to your birthday one too but it never sent.... I did a good reply and was frustrated that you never got it. As one of my children was logged into my computer....
      Hope you are well and many many congrats on your year. xxxx

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  2. Very insightful and well explained x

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  3. I'm the one that drinks on the weekends (Fri, Sat, Sun), special events, and holidays but without a stop button.

    It's early days for me (day 4) and I really need to count the weekends rather than days but making the decision that alcohol is not for me has already lifted me to new and dizzying heights.

    Speaking of gratitude, tonight when putting my smalls to bed they were laughing, hysterically, at nothing. Usually I would be getting cross because I want them to wind down so I can drink. Tonight I joined in. Laughed so hard I couldn't take a breath.

    From pink fluffy clouds to real highs.

    Thanks for the reminder of whats ahead for me.

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    1. Hi Sunny! Huge congrats on the first 4 days - you won't regret it! I love your bedtime story. Please stay in touch. Hugs xxx

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    2. Hi Sunny! My kiddos get goofy tired too! They take forever to get in bed, then it's another hug, another kiss, wait I have to pee, tuck me in again, wait I need water, tuck me in again, oh the hug, oh you forgot the kiss, again. Since I quit drinking (14 days ago- early like you) I've started to relish the moments before they sleep instead of yell at them to get to bed. Makes a huge impact in their life- happy going to sleep instead of sad. Hubby still wants them to hurry up so he can get his drink on. Definately hard when he drinks every night. I'm sad because I feel us drifting away from each other. But I can't keep drinking just to please him. He wants to get close but when you're sober and he's slurring it's so gross, lol! I wish you luck on your sober journey! Thanks SM <3

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  4. Well said SM, bravo!! I seen a shirt yesterday that said:
    Son
    Of a
    Bitch
    Everything's
    Real. -perfectly stated!

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  5. Happy 1 year anniversary for tomorrow SM! A fantastic achievement. Woo hoo! Day 31 here. I think it is the AF beer that has got me through thus far. We don't have Becks Blue here but i have discovered a whole AF section at our local and it is like a whole new exciting world. They have great AF Beers from Germany , Belgium and Czechoslavika. So yummy! I need some advice please - we are going on a holiday in the next few weeks and i am thinking of giving myself a leave pass. What are everyone's thoughts? Thank you! ☺

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    1. Hi Letitgo! 31 days! Then back to day 1?! I have set up a goal list for myself. When I get to day 30 I get to buy myself this bracelet I've been wanting. Then when I get to 60 these sandals I've been drooling over. Then day 100 etc. I wrote it all on my calendar so I have something to work towards. I would keep going if I were you and chug chug chug those AF beers on holiday! You'll be glad you did <3

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    2. Huge congrats on 31 days Letitgo!
      Re your holiday, NO! NO! NO! For a start, it'll make it so much harder when you get back. You've done brilliantly, and it'll get easier and easier from now on if you just keep going! Also, if you haven't done a sober holiday before then it's a scary thought, but sober holidays are THE BEST (can anyone else back me up here?) It's amazing being able to wake up early and happy in a beautiful place, you'll be able to get high on just being there, and you'll come back feeling properly refreshed, not toxic. Just try it!! Hugs, SM x

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    3. Hello Letitgo. If you can get your hands on some Jupiler NA (from Belgium) it is lovely. A really good hoppy, malty tast. You will enjoy your holiday so much more with a clear head. Sightseeing, swimming and eating are all so much better without the drink.

      Himself and I were in Paris a couple of weekends ago, we visited art galleries, walked up the steps to Montmartre, milled around the wee shops in Le Marais and I have never enjoyed a weekend away so much. In my drinking days I would be counting the time until we would be drinking again instead of being present and enjoying where we were. Give it a go. xx

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    4. This is my very first post! SM, I have read your entire blog in a few days! We are very similar. I too had ILC. I too was a bottle of wine per day, more on weekends. And, after reading your weight post, I decided to take my measurements…oddly, they were the same as yours (before AF!) Isn't that odd???? So it does give me hope for the future, as weight/health is one of the reasons I stopped. I am on day 24 AF. I have found the weekends very difficult as we are very social. I decided to reply to this post because like Lettigo I am going away on Thursday to Miami. How am I going to not drink???? I have a plan, I will exercise, see my son who goes to college down there, but it's such a "party" city! I know I can do it, but I am so sad that I have to! How did I get to this place??? I digress…your blog inspires me and gives me hope! I am so excited for you for your big day tomorrow! I am also envious that you are there! This year of "firsts" is hard! And I'm only on day 24! But hey, that's 24 more AF days than I ever thought possible! Thanks again for all of the HOPE that you give me!

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    5. Hi Stephanie! Thanks so much for posting! ILC? Invasive lobular cancer? That's a v v good reason to quit! One of the best things to do to avoid recurrence is quit alcohol! Another good one is to lose weight - bingo! You're right about Miami being a party city, but it's also going to be warm, and it's a health kick city too. A great place for swimming, running, yoga - all those things that'll take your mind off the booze, so don't panic. I bet you'll love it way more sober ;-) Do e-mail me on sobermummy@gmail.com I'd love to hear your cancer story.... (I'm still morbidly obsessed by other people's cancer stories. Sorry!) xxx

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    6. Dear Letitgo, pls don't give yourself a "leave pass". If you've decided that you need to stop drinking, it is easier to give it up entirely than to try to moderate. It's also easier to stay sober than to get sober. I'm almost 11 months AF, and I don't think I could start recovery over again if I resumed drinking. I've heard some in AA say that they may have another drunk in them but not another recovery. I've seen people with some years of being AF, start drinking again and now can't stop even though they want to. Please don't take that chance. Sorry if I'm sounding preachy, just please think about this carefully.

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    7. Dear All. Thank you all so, so much for taking the time to respond to my plea. I am very grateful to this beautiful, safe place where we can all let everything hang out so to speak and just put it all out there with no judgements just beautiful understanding (i am getting a little teary writing this!!) SM look at the village you have created! Awe inspiring. So an AF holiday is on the agenda. We fly out Friday fortnight so I have a couple of weeks to mentally prepare. My resolve has been restored. Thank you, thank you, thank you everyone there is no way i could have even contemplated something like this without you all! Huge Hugs!!!xxoo

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  6. Sober Mummy, big hugs to you on your sober-year-eve. I read your first ever post and while not having the guts to write my own story - thank you for sharing yours. You have touched so many of us with your warmth, wit and humour. You have made me laugh, encouraged me to keep going and made me think so thank you so much.

    Speaking of rewards and gratification, I spent hours yesterday and over the weekend in my garden. Hacking back, transplanting and generally tidying up. It looks a little bit better but I know I have to wait a few months to really see the results. The bulbs I planted in December are just poking through and I can't wait to see them.

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    1. There's a great analogy there, Laura! Thanks so much for being here - one of my originals! I missed you so much when you disappeared temporarily xxx

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  7. Today is Day 2 for me. I joined Soberistas.com and have been reading your blogs for the past week -- preparing for my quit day -- yesterday. Every day there is something that resonates in someone's story. Sometimes its big, sometimes small. Today, SM, your blog resonates big time. And do you know what really hit me? That decluttering could be a proper reward. I've spent years hating my cluttered home, but I felt that was just my usual lazy self, why did I care so much about it and I deserved to relax and have a drink instead. 15 years later, still a cluttered home. I deserve to live in a home that I enjoy. What a novel concept! I'm looking forward to it.

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    1. Huge congrats Sonja! Here's a post for you on Clutter! http://mummywasasecretdrinker.blogspot.com/2015/06/clutter.html

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  8. A full circle almost complete...smiles and hugs to you! I want to be like you when I grow up!

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  9. Yep, gratification is what I definitely was after on my two biiig wobbles in the last four days - tho it was feeling like 'reward.' Tackling a room re-paint, my first major DIY project in a couple years...leaving me worn-out, sore, demoralized....and soooo craving a martini at the end of the workday - I 'deserved,' right? To my utter amazement, I waited out the urge/desire/strong craving not only on Friday night but again last night. (At my age, DIY progress is slow!) Just kept busy fixing my dinner...whilst imaging the making of the drink, the taste, the first lovely feeling (of course, typically to be followed by not-so-lovelly feelings).

    And lo...!! It passed. And I just was no longer interested. Life has been so indoors, wintery, stress-free since I began on Jan. 1, I'd worried/wondered how it would be when stress, etc hit....would I still be so committed? Nice to find out the answer is...maybe so! I do feel that for all the time I've spent contemplating this new way of life over the past 60 days....it's taken hold in my sub-conscious in a very good way. So my temptation battles Friday and last night were almost between tangible competing forces.....and the stronger one won! How cool is that! (And, a room is going to look fresher, better...eventually. Said the tortoise and her paintbrush...)

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    1. That's so awesome NorthWoman! Thanks for sharing that- made my day. Huge congrats x

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  10. I just loved that first glass. .. instant gratification was what I wanted too. But the worst part was keeping going till out of it. I do not miss that. I still sometimes feel frantic looking for something to fill that gap but mostly just plod on and hardly ever think of alcohol now. I love af beers - bavaria is my favourite - and I tend to keep it for the weekend. Now I get my kicks from fitting into my 'small' clothes and chilling out with the kids. It's all so much better and easier. Am not far behind you.... A whole year af... who would have thought it possible! Not me x

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  11. Laura Brown, hits the nail on the head for me. I spent too much time counting the time until my next drink - on holiday, at home or working away during the week. Its day 59 for me and I won't drink tonight and I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow. I am hoping that the field of bunnies is full of the slimmer racing versions as I am still avoiding mirrors. Our thoughts at home are also turning to holidays but I am avoiding the thought at the moment as I can't easily imagine a holiday without booze but I am going to start with the AF beer soon. So far, I have stuck to Heron Valley fizzy AF drinks and a lot of Pelegrino. I do like not feeling like shit every weekend morning and I do like being able to drive without worrying on a Monday. I want to see what 100 days looks like and then 180 days and then...who knows. There is a real team spirit evident in these blogs and I hope that all on the left side of my screen (the sober blog pack) keep writing and keep coming back, no matter whether its to tally up the days or tell of their experiences. Good luck in your year 2 SM, I'm some way behind but following your lead.

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  12. I feel so grateful that I found your blog and have been able to be along for your journey so far....can't wait to find out what the coming year has in store for you, I know it's going to be great things xxx

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  13. congratulations on a year! and thank you so much for being here(:

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  14. SM,
    Aren't we courageous and strong SM!
    Happy Birthday! Hugs and love!
    Sitting right behind you on that roller coaster! 11 1/2 months!!!!
    Boston Strong Boston Sober

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