Most of the time I love this blog. It's helped me hugely, and many of you have been kind enough to say it helps you too.
In fact, I even wrote a post titled Blogging Saved My Life (click here).
But today I don't like it at all. And I'm really, really angry with myself.
You see, a few days ago I wrote a post called Sober Dinners. And I wrote this:
I'd done my usual trick of accepting a glass of wine at the beginning of the evening, then leaving it in my glass. No-one notices you're not drinking it, but it just avoids all the 'why are you off the booze?' conversations.
I am not an addiction expert. I'm not a trained counsellor. I'm just an ex-boozy housewife who's read everything I can find on the topic of alcohol, and muddles along the best I can, sharing my story as I go.
The problem is that sometimes I forget that I have a responsibility to people following me. And we are all different. What works for some people just doesn't for others.
For example, many of you will know that I have a love affair with Becks Blue Alcohol Free beer. During the worst day of the whole cancer thing I drank SIX of the blighters. Without it I swear I'd have been on the Scotch.
(By the way, I'm now back to one a day).
However, 'fake alcohol' does not work for everyone. In fact, for some it's a massive trigger and just leads to terrible cravings for the real stuff.
We all have different weak spots.
My own 'issue' is that I hate drawing attention to my 'not drinking' at parties or dinners. I see how it makes other people uncomfortable, and that makes me uncomfortable. I know I should ignore it - that it's their problem not mine - but I can't.
So often I fake it.
BUT that's just what works for me.
It works because I'm used to being surrounded by booze. Mr SM still drinks, and there's usually an open bottle of wine in my fridge.
It works because I quietly push the glass as far away from me as possible, and it only works in a big group. If there are only two or three of you it's obvious that your glass is untouched.
It's a bad idea if you're not with people you're comfortable with, or if you're likely to be feeling nervous or ill at ease.
However, when I posted about this I didn't mention any of the caveats. I didn't issue any warnings. I didn't remind everyone that what works for one person might be a disaster for the next....
....and a lovely lady who's been a huge supporter of this blog, and did six whole months sober went on a date, let him pour her a glass (having been inspired by reading my post that morning) and drank it. Then two more.
I feel utterly terrible. I am SO, SO sorry, H. I feel totally responsible. I just hope I didn't inadvertently tip anyone else off the waggon.
(I've added a warning to the original post so that it doesn't do any more damage).
Then, last night another lady posted some comments on yesterday's post on the irony of addiction. She accused me of 'demonising' normal people, because of my 'failure' and to 'justify my sobriety.'
I re-read the post (click here).
I can, to an extent, see what 'I'm a bit fat' means. I am very black and white about booze. But I need to be in order to stay off the damn stuff.
So today I feel like I'm hated by the non addicts, and, what's worse, letting down my tribe.
I'm so sorry, and I just hope that H is okay.