Wednesday 23 December 2015

It's Finished!

Yesterday was my final session of radiotherapy.

If I could liken myself to a microwave oven (and right now I think I can), this is the moment at which I would be going "PING!"

I'm now a bit sore (like I feel asleep on a very hot day with my left boob poking out from my bikini), very tired, and one side of my torso is hotter than the other (weird, right? Or, actually, weird left in my case).

Apparently, at some US clinics they have a huge bell in the waiting area, and when you've finished your cancer treatment you get to ring the bell and everyone cheers.

I really, really wanted a bell to ring.

Instead, I showered the nurses with chocolates, gave them all a hug and told them I never wanted to see them again. Then I walked out into the winter sunshine, feeling simultaneously elated and weepy.

And all I wanted to do - really, really wanted to do - was to get utterly trashed.

I wanted to drink at least a bottle of wine. I wanted to talk nonsense with Mr SM. Laugh. Cry. Have drunken sex. Make everything fuzzy, walk into the furniture, then pass out on the sofa.

Instead I went shopping. I spotted a sale on in Zadig & Voltaire, and bought a charcoal and gold t-shirt, an Alexander McQueen inspired scarf, and a crimson sweater with black sequined detailing. Rock chick clothes, not sober-person-cancer-victim clothes. An easy fit in medium. Whoop whoop.

I went home, then we dropped in on some friends for mulled wine and mince pies (I took my own Becks Blue), watched 2 episodes The Affair with Dominic West (Mr SM's old school chum), and went to bed sober - as always.

And today? I woke up guilt free - the only hangover from yesterday being some new clothes.

I figured that every year there are bound to be a handful of days when it would be really, really good to get drunk. But what about the other three hundred and sixty? Because, in my case, one doesn't come without the other.

Plus, it struck me that it's a weird reaction to have: I've got to the end of a horrendous two months. I am, as far as we can tell, cancer free. So why not anaesthetise myself to the point of oblivion to celebrate?

It's just habit.

And now it's Christmas Eve! And, you know what? I'm not worried about Christmas itself at all. I'm excited about it. Because Christmas Day (unlike New Year's Eve) is about way more than drinking.

It's about seeing the children's excitement when they bring in their stockings to show us in the morning (and Santa was on form this year), church, slap up lunch, handing out and opening all the presents, charades, great TV, The Queen. It's got a bit of everything.....

(And it's really difficult to do all of that when drunk. We know that, don't we?)

Merry Christmas to you all!

I'll post again when we're on the other side.

Huge hugs

SM x

18 comments:

  1. Congratulations SM! (bells ringing!!). If you want to book yourself a really lovely Xmas/new year treat for 2016, take a look at Club la Santa in Lanzarote.. I'm on my 5th alcohol free day here and it's easy as no one else is drinking! It's a sporty, sunny, family friendly alternative to a UK Xmas/NYE. Fingers crossed I will come back having lost weight rather than gained it! Have a magical Christmas.. You certainly deserve it and well done again on finishing treatment. xxx

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    1. ooh, how lovely SWMum! Hope you had a fab, relaxing, sunny, sober Christmas! Love SM x

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  2. Happy happy Christmas to you! So glad your treatment is finished. Enjoy the sequin sweater - and everything else. You deserve a peaceful day tomorrow. Annie x

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  3. I have never posted anything, ever! Here goes... your blog has been a godsend for me. I've laughed and cried but importantly completely identified with everything you have written. I no longer feel alone or 'weird' as others appear to have the odd drink (or two) then stop, not me, what's that about?? You've given me my sanity back and hope. This time of year is soooo challenging but I love the guilt free mornings and clarity and I will stay sober today to enjoy a christmas day that's not tainted by a sore head, shame and regret. My children deserve that. Thank you thank you thank you...Congratualtions on finishing treatment, have a wonderful christmas with your family x

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    1. Welcome Nolongertrashed! You are SO not alone - or weird! I hope you had a lovely, sober Christmas an send you big, festive hugs. Please stay in touch! xx

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  4. Congratulations and enjoy Christmas! I read your entire blog yesterday having decided to stop drinking on Dec 21st...I need a fresh start this solstice. I can relate to so much of what you say but the main thing that has inspired me is the fact that you are so witty, eloquent and heartfelt SOBER! If you can do it, so can I. Here's to 2016 x

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    1. YES YOU CAN Lexi! Hope you made it through yesterday and had a fab sober Christmas. Sending you big, festive hugs, SM x

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  5. Merry Christmas and congratulations on the end of your treatment. I hope you are not too sore and enjoy a lovely alcohol free day. I too have been thinking just one glass, just one day, maybe boxing day too etc etc but I'm going to go for it and stay sober because I know where it would end up and I really truly feel I can do it because I'm not alone. Your blog has been a real life saver for me so thank you once again. Let's do this!!!! Xxxx

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    1. Merry Xmas EH! And thanks so much for sticking with me for so long. You're awesome. Big, festive hugs x

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  6. Congratulations SM on the end of your treatment. You should be extremely proud of how you've dealt with the last lousy 2 months, and now enjoy a worry-free Christmas Day. Thank you for continuing to blog. Merry Christmas! Xx

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  7. I'll ring a bell for you over here!
    So happy you are done!
    So happy you will have a wonderful Christmas sober!
    xo
    Wendy

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  8. We'll ring bells for you! xx. Have the happiest Christmas ever SM xxx

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  9. Ding-aling-aling!!! (that's me ringing the bell for you!). I had a wobble this morning after eagerly baking christmas cake muffins with a dash of brandy. Thought I could handle it after having sherry trifle a few weeks ago. I had a few crumbs to check they were fully cooked but felt so disgusted with myself! Spent about an hour on the ipad googling 'how many units in christmas cake' and 'does alcohol disappear when baked?' Suffice to say I have given all my beautiful little muffins away to good homes.
    Happy, sober, fresh-faced Christmas SM. We can do it. Baby steps. LNM x

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  10. congratulations on all fronts! xx

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  11. Merry Christmas and blessings for a sober, healthy, fabulous 2016!
    xxx

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  12. That is f-Ing awesome! Enjoy your holiday.

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