I've hit a sudden patch of The Glums.
When I was drinking my emotions were up and down all the time. The biggest impact on how I was feeling at any point was the booze. It went something like this:
Wine o'clock: relief, elation, relaxation
3 hours later: guilt, grumpiness, exhaustion
3am: self loathing, anxiety, restlessness
7am: weariness, edginess, sluggishness
This endless cycle of short term ups and downs drowned out any underlying mood swings.
Now I've got off that endless merry-to-suicidal-go-round and I'm on a much more even keel. My default setting is 'pretty happy', pretty much all of the time. It's a miracle.
Which is why it floors me when suddenly I feel glum. For no reason.
It could be hormonal. It could be PAWS (see my posts on Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). It could just be a non specific bad mood.
I'm sure that everyone feels down from time to time, it's just that we ex drinkers are unused to dealing with mood swings. Our default reaction to a bad mood was "feel down ergo must have a drink." No attempt to analyse the reason for the mood - just to get rid of it.
Ignoring the longer term 'reasons to be happy' like good health, children, lack of unmanageable debt, etcetera, in the immediate present here is my 'gratitude list':
1. We are on holiday in Cornwall- one of my favourite places in the world
2. #1, #2 and #3 have declared it one of the best holidays ever
3. Mr SM has escaped from the office to join us
4. I have croissants baking in the oven
5. Against all odds, I have found a shop which sells Becks Blue. I think they must have ordered it in error, because when I took a six pack to the till they looked at me as if I were crazy and said "you do realise this is alcohol free?"
But still there's a grumpy voice pointing out the negatives:
1. It's raining, and the forecast for the week is terrible
2. It's a holiday for everyone else, but I still have to prepare at least 2 meals a day (that at least one child won't like), run the washing machine daily and the dishwasher twice a day. It's been more than a decade since I had a holiday with room service.
3. #2 behaved so badly in a local inn yesterday that we had to leave and I may be too embarrassed to ever return
4. I was so busy typing this with one finger on my iPhone that I burned the sodding croissants!
5. After several weeks of steady weight loss the scales are heading in the wrong direction. Maybe it's just as well the croissants are ruined. Every burned pastry has a silver lining...
So, here I am, in a grump, for no particular reason, trying not to let anyone know about the black cloud following me around.
But, on the upside, I know that the mood will pass, just as I know that the rain will, eventually, clear. And I also know that there is no way at all that a drink would help the situation....
(Apart from a Becks Blue, obviously, which does seem capable of curing most ailments ;-))
.....and that really is progress.
Love to you all,