Carpe Diem?

I've spent an awful lot of time since I quit drinking thinking about the time I've wasted.

Time that I can't even remember. Time feeling 'under par'. Time squandered endlessly planning, and waiting for, the next drinking opportunity.

Because of this, and my recent brush with mortality, I've spent the last few months desperately trying to shovel as much into each day as I can - to carpe diem.

But today, in Cornwall, it's raining. Not cats and dogs, but a steady drizzle, a fine mist, like God's own giant Evian spritzer.

(Note that, in the same way that Eskimos have hundreds of words for 'snow', we Brits have many and varied ways to describe 'rain'.)

So I looked out of the window at the crashing waves and persistent precipitation and.....went back to bed with the newspaper.

The husband came in, took one look at me, and muttered "what's the opposite of 'carpe'?"

But the truth is that sometimes seizing the day means seizing the opportunity to do absolutely bugger all.

Hurrah!

Love SM x

Mortality

The thing about all this relaxation, and having so much time on your hands, is that you inevitably start thinking.

In my case, I keep being sideswiped by fear of mortality.

This isn't a bad thing - I guess I have to deal with the whole issue eventually, so I might as well start now.

You see, the thing about hormone positive breast cancer is that it can come back. And you can't ever feel safe, because it can lie dormant for ten, fifteen, even twenty years, and then rear its ugly head again.

And the problem is, it can crop up anywhere, but most often in your bones, liver or brain. And when it does, it's incurable. Terminal. End of the line.

(And it's a horrible way to die. Not that slipping away gently in your sleep, wearing your most glamorous nightie and full make up, that we all wish for.)

They can keep it at bay with chemotherapy, but usually not for more than a year or two.

When I'm busy I manage not to dwell on it much, but the fear is always lurking somewhere.

So, here's how I try to think about it:

You know how they say that the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Well, I figure that if you get cancer it's often a sign that you were doing something wrong. (Sometimes, I guess, it's just bad luck). And if you carry on living life exactly the same way, it's much more likely to come back.

When my tumour started growing I was filling my body with toxins every single day. The link between alcohol and cancer, particularly breast cancer, is becoming increasingly clear. One day it'll be the new tobacco, and there'll be health warnings on every bottle of wine.

Now I drink water, green tea and smoothies. (And Becks Blue, obviously). I've made not just a tiny adjustment to my lifestyle, but a whopping great U-turn.

The other thing I try to remember is that any of us could be dead in ten, fifteen, twenty years. There are no guarantees. Nothing is certain.

And the flipside of the fear of dying is the joy of living.

When you realise that life might be short it makes you properly appreciate every single day, and not want to squander a second of it.

So, if you're still prevaricating about quitting alcohol and starting to properly live your life, just get on and do it now. Carpe bloody diem. Don't waste any more precious time.

Love SM x