Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Drained

I had my check up with the oncologist today.

I took my Mum. She's a breast cancer veteran: been there, done that, got the Tamoxifen and the mismatched boobs.

He only had half my blood test results, but those he had included the cancer tumour marker count which was fine.

I should be happy.

I expected to be writing a blog post about remembering what's important in life, seizing the day and all that sort of uplifting stuff...

....but instead I feel totally flat. Drained. Exhausted. Like a whoopee cushion without its whoop.

I came home. Did the school run. Answered 'uh-huh' to all the children's chatter and questions. Then, as soon as Mr SM walked in the door, I went to bed.

I just lay there for ages feeling numb.

I wanted to cry, but couldn't. And I can't find the words to express how I'm feeling. I've lost my tears and my vocabulary.

I'm tired of it all.

35 comments:

  1. Hi SM, you should expect to feel emotionally drained after a appointment like that. Give yourself a break! It will be better in the morning. I am sure the anticipation of the visit was terrible. Get some sleep and you will be better in the AM. Glad your results were negative :)

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  2. Look after yourself....sounds like you are exhausted so I suspect that you might feel like this for a few days. It will pass . Try to sleep if you need it. So many of us are thinking of you.

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    1. I agree. Take it very easy! Perhaps the reality of it all is just hitting you now, once the treatment is over and your results are fine. All perfectly normal. There are lots of nice gentle distractions around - Queens and then Wimbledon on tv, the online sales, the nice weather (ish). Have a nice quiet time. X

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  3. Hi SM, I know its not the same and not to make light of it but this is often how I feel with not drinking on a big night out now. I think its because even though I make it through one weekend I know that test is one I will have to repeat and repeat and repeat - its emotionally exhausting! I hope you are gentle with yourself and I'm stoked for you that the results are negative xx

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  4. Hi SM - it's no wonder you feel flat and drained - you live life at such a pace now and this has been a huge thing. You need to take some time out to look after yourself for a while. Really glad you had your mum with you. Sending huge hugs. Red xx

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  5. I'm sorry you are feeling like this SM. I hope you feel better soon. Be gentle with yourself and have plenty of rest. Big hug from me too. A x

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  6. A big mental hug from across the pond. Thoughts and prayers sent your way. You've helped me so much I wish I could return the favor.

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  7. Lots of love and hugs SM xxx

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  8. I think we sometimes don't realize how tense we are before big things like your appointment. You feel a let down afterward that is part letting go of the tension and part relief but all you FEEL is exhausted. Be kind to yourself and soon you will feel better it is behind you and you will be charging off to the next thing! Much love

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  9. I think we sometimes don't realize how tense we are before big things like your appointment. You feel a let down afterward that is part letting go of the tension and part relief but all you FEEL is exhausted. Be kind to yourself and soon you will feel better it is behind you and you will be charging off to the next thing! Much love

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  10. Much love going out to you- so glad your marker is stable. <3

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  11. Keeping a brave front, being a mom, sharing via the blog and trying to be a support to others.....these and many other plates you keep spinning in the air, SM.

    If your head and body have decided: 'that's it, we're tired, plum wore out, in fact'! - well, that's ok. Good,even. Heed the message. Be good to yourself -you DO deserve!

    Big hug from here, too!

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  12. What Northwoman1996 said! - Glad the first results were good news - looking forward for more good news to came. Take care of yourself - Eeyore

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  13. As others have said, I suspect it's not just the cancer (or lack of - yay!) that you are tired of. I get tired of the endless conversation about drinking (or not drinking) that goes on in my head. It's fucking (sorry) exhausting. It must be draining being so upbeat about the sober life all the time for us lot on this blog....and to others in the real world.
    Put the cancer thing on top and I'm not surprised. Perhaps it is PAWS plus the stress of the appointments etc.
    Others who have gone through it will probably advise better but I seem to recall with my mum she picked up around the 3 year post recovery mark. Might seem like a long way off but at least there is a light.
    Stay in bed as long as you need and big hugs, you're a trooper for all that you do. xx

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  14. I felt EXACTLY following my husband's remission. Should be cartwheeling around the room instead feel like I have been hit by a bus. I think it is the realisation it is never going to go away - the blood tests etc. be kind to yourself. It does get better. Mx

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  15. Sending you a huge "energy huggle" as my family call them....I am on a private support FB page and my most frequent post is to remind folks about Self Care..or the lack of it leading to relapse....take you own advice and listen to your body...so glad it was all clear...love

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  16. Sometimes we just need timeout. Be kind and gentle. Take the time to zone out. You'll be back to expressing gratitude in no time. Hugs.

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  17. Sending you lots of love SM. Xxx

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  18. Hi SM...I am happy that your results so far have been good! I think the anxiety preceding our appointments, especially in the first year, is overwhelming. Your mind and body are wound tight with anxiety and fear before the appt. and also while waiting for results. When you finally get them, you can breathe a big sigh of relief, but all of that anxiety and fear has taken a toll on you. From my experience, I think that it gets less anxious and fear ridden as time goes on. That being said, my husband always tells me that he knows when I have an upcoming appt. at the cancer center because I am on edge! I just try to remain thankful for the vigilance. Not much else one can do! Big Big HUGS to you!!! xo

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  19. Darling SM, you have been fighting the good fight for so long. Taking care of your family, sharing your story with us and generally holding it all together. No wonder you are exhausted. Possibly you just need a break, some downtime to do things which make you happy. Whether sharing cake with loved ones, walking somewhere you find beautiful or sleeping and recharging your batteries. You deserve it. Take care of yourself, hugs, x

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  20. Dear SM

    When you have had to master all that you have, and in an amazing short span of time, it is only logical that that the feelings you encountered yesterday after your visit, would come down upon you like they now have. You've been holding on, staying STRONG throughout your ordeal, AND not drinking as a means to cope! Getting the news gave a part of you an opportunity to finally dare to feel vulnerable once again; with that comes some not easy feelings or moments. Holding yourself up and being accountable is hard and at times exhausting work! So please be kind and extra gentle with your self.

    Well done, SM

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  21. Dear SM you carry so much on your shoulders it's bound to get too heavy at times. Treat yourself kindly and give yourself lots of self love and treats. So glad the test came out well!
    Sending you a big hug and lots of love!

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  22. Try and find the right word for how you are feeling and then say it out loud and then acknowledge that you are allowed to feel it and that it appropriate to the situation - 'I feel flat, drained and exhausted. I am allowed to feel flat drained and exhausted because I have been holding it together for me and everyone else. I am allowed to take time to feel like this. This is an appropriate way to feel given what I have been through.'
    Something like that. Say it out loud as it impacts differently if you hear yourself say it rather than think it. This too shall pass. Big hugs

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  23. Drained sounds about right for all that you've been through with this. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

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  24. Western Society and the wretched media has conned us into believing that we should all be happy all the time. That's not life!! Eastern approaches like Buddhism are more realistic as they recognise natural balance. You had every reason to feel drained. But you felt your emotions rather than numbing or medicating them. Be proud of that and kind to yourself. xxx

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  25. Take care. Rest. Let others do a bit for you.
    I'm sure the anxiety inside building up to the appointment was serious, even if you don't feel it outright.
    Big hug. I wish I could bring you some tea and biscuits.

    Anne

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  26. Great news. It's okay to feel flat and drained. Cancer is a formidable opponent. Scares the hell out of me. We didn't choose it. We just live with it and that's all. But it's good news.

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  27. Great news. It's okay to feel flat and drained. Cancer is a formidable opponent. Scares the hell out of me. We didn't choose it. We just live with it and that's all. But it's good news.

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  28. As others have said, just rest and be unavailable. I think there is some credence to the notion of being 'deplete' after long periods of stress. It feels like the neurotransmitters just don't have any chemicals left to transmit. Just stop moving and stop doing. You will be back soon I'm sure. Great news re results!

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  29. Dearest SM, others have said it all - just adding my hug to the bundle of love from all of us out here who care about you so much xxx

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  30. Oh lovely - sending you gentle hugs and saying I totally understand the let down after you have carried on with adrenaline keeping you going. Sit back and nurture yourself and be gentle to yourself

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  31. Thinking of you and hoping you feel better today.

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  32. Hey girl. That collapse, that nothingness, I expect is your brains way of processing. It's a huge amount of information from before, during and after. All those feelings too. Your brain is probably saying 'Hang on a minute, let me just process this.' It'll come, you'll get there.

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