Monday 13 June 2016

Coping Strategies

I was reading an article in the papers this weekend where a doctor was talking about addictions.

Rather than discussing 'alcoholism' and 'disease', he referred to all addictions as maladaptive coping strategies.

This was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me.

The theory is that we human beings are not very good at dealing with the stresses and anxieties of every day life, and - as a result - we find various ways of coping, many of which are not healthy, and can turn into addictions.

This totally sums up how I used alcohol - as a handy little anaesthetic whenever I felt I needed a short away break from reality.

It also makes me feel less alone, because even those people who drink 'normally' often have their own maladaptive coping strategies - overeating, self harming, shopping, pornography, gambling, extra marital affairs, smoking, illegal, prescription or over the counter drugs, etcetera.

In fact, I'm sure there are very few people who don't have some bad habit that they turn to as a stress release.

The maladaptive coping strategy theory also explains why quitting booze is so much more complex a process than we expect, and why we so often fail.

I imagined that my life would go on pretty much as normal, just without the booze. Then I realised that not drinking is actually the easy bit. The tough bit was dealing with all the emotions that were suddenly exposed to the light, as if I'd brutally ripped off a sticking plaster.

If we don't find new coping strategies we will, inevitably, pick up the drink again.

Initially we tend to turn to strategies that mimic the one we're used to: drinking.

I used (and still do, to a lesser extent) alcohol free beer as a way of coping. And cake. It's part of the reason why many of us don't lose weight initially, despite dropping all those booze calories.

Over time, though, we find healthier coping strategies. Running, walking, mindfulness and meditation, hot baths, arts and crafts, reading, writing - whatever works.

This is, I believe, the proper definition of growing up: being able to cope with whatever life throws at you without looking immediately for a fire exit.

One coping strategy that many sober people rely on is yoga.

Now, I've done a bit of yoga over the years, with varying degrees of success and embarrassment (anyone else feel the urge to fart during a sun salutation?), but, strangely, not since I quit drinking.

Then I realised that, over the last few months, with all the stress of the cancer thing, all my muscles have become tighter and tighter. Everything is clenched.

One thing I miss about drinking isn't just the mental relaxation of those first few sips (gulps!) of wine at the end of the day, but the way you could feel your muscles relaxing - your jaw unclenching, teeth stop grinding, shoulders unwinding.

It struck me that I needed to find another way of doing that - of physically ironing out all those knots.

So I went to a yoga class. What took me so long?

Admittedly I felt like a pillock. I did a lot of wobbling. Falling over. Going left when everyone else was going right. And admiring everyone else's handstands from a sitting position.

BUT it's a wonderful way to stay in the moment and take your mind off any worries, and you come out feeling like you've been massaged for hours. Everything feels looser.

Tomorrow I have a check up with my oncologist. He does blood tests to check for cancer markers. I am horribly aware, that however unlikely it may be, there is a possibility that tomorrow's appointment could totally ruin the life I've so painstakingly put back together....

....so today I'm going to a yoga class.

Onwards, upwards and downward dogs.

SM x

27 comments:

  1. Best of luck with your check up.
    I can't wait until the eating cake and copious amounts of sugar phase is over. For now I have that clenched jaw feeling and a bulging middle. All very depressing. Winter here in Australia and my family are struck down with colds and flu making excercise unappealing.

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    1. Oh Sunny I'm in oz too- the weather has been lousy! Can I suggest black bean brownies... I know it sounds weird but they are absolutely delicious, fairly healthy and really filling so volumetrically there's only so much one can scoff xx if you google the minimalist baker that recipe is super yum, they are v. Good for colds too

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    2. I'm in oz too! It's freezing. I miss my nightly walks, but don't like going in the dark. I've been clenching my teeth in my sleep, I wake up with jaw tightly clenched. Also eating way too much sugar. Put my food into a calorie app and am shocked, no wonder I'm not losing weight. I should go back to yoga too!

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    3. Just looked up those Brownies. Yummo. Looks like it will be a hangover free, weekend of baking with the smalls, this weekend.

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  2. All the eat tomorrow, I am sure it will be fine.
    This post is spot on. I wonder how on earth I am going to cope with life and all the stuff that comes with it without a glass of wine. Yoga sounds great. Do they allow obese women with no coordination in?

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    1. All the eat??? Not even drunk! All the best xx

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  3. Hope it's all fine at your check up SM!

    I tried yoga a while ago but I'm terrible at it. Just want to laugh all the time. I do my Jane Fonda dvd at home. Sometimes.

    I'm now at Day 94 and still mainlining sugar! Actually I don't think it's just kicking the wine habit (and replacing it with chocolate as my reward for being alive!) it's also dragging menopause fatigue and the recent addition of a cockapoo puppy!

    I really need to put a stop to it. Loads of social events coming up and I'm more worried about fitting into my clothes than the perils of avoiding the booze!

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    1. Is that the original 1980s Jane Fonda with the Jackson 5 soundtrack WoS? God that takes me back! Puppies are fabulous for stress relief! Go on lots of long walks and I bet you'll feel better and the weight will start to shift! Xxx

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    2. LOL! No they are her more recent dvds for "women of a certain age " some light stretching and weights. I already walk 3-4 miles a day with my other dog and would be the size of a house otherwise! It's pure gluttony sadly.

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  4. How lovely to know I'm not the only one who's ever farted - tho in pilates, not yoga. I mean...'clench??' Where's a good CLENCH when you need it??

    Good thoughts will be surrounding you on your doc visit, SM. Feel the hugs!

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  5. Wishing you all the best for tomorrow SM. I will be thinking of you. A x

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  6. I hope your test goes well. Enjoy your yoga, sounds like a great coping mechanism. PDTG

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  7. I'll be thinking about you tomorrow and hoping that all goes positively for you. I think I read the same article as you while still drinking. It helped me to learn to start coping before I stopped drinking. That made abstaining less of a surprise. I'm trying to go to Yoga once a week. I find that my hands and feet sweat which makes me look even sillier as I slide out of poses! Just bought grip gloves and Footsies to solve the problem.

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  8. Good luck tomorrow. :)

    I am not a yoga girl, but I have to say one of the cutest things I have ever seen is my then three year old son doing; 'doggie downie' with me.

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  9. Good luck SM, I'm thinking about you xx

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  10. I hope tomorrow goes well! I like this post about finding new coping mechanisms. I might just go try yoga! Everyone who actually does it seems to be a strong proponent of it's benefits.

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  11. The thing about yoga is the realization there is no right way. No wrong way. Just the way it is.
    And it applies to everything.
    Meditation is the other facet. Sitting still.

    Look for both active and more still, restorative classes. To relax all you have to do is exhale.

    Yay! I love yoga.

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    1. I was thinking of you today, Anne! I kept telling myself "channel Anne", and it worked ;-)

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  12. Great post SM. Working in mental health we get a lot of people referring initially for stress. It's funny that when you speak to so many people about the same thing a pattern emerges and it is something like this. " I just can't cope, I'm so stressed about EVERYTHING. You don't understand I am usually so strong, everyone relies on me. I just can't go on living like this, I don't know what I can't seem to cope anymore"
    I tell everyone the same thing "Human beings are not designed to live like this" The maladaptive coping strategies we use are a reaction to our entirely unnatural existence and our way of coping lest we go crazy. These strategies serve a purpose until they no longer serve a purpose and then we have to deal with the original issue. Yoga is very natural and beneficial and I would try and get a stretch in before your appointment tomorrow. I hope you get some immediate peace of mind tomorrow prior to getting the results in a few days.

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    1. The good news is I do the blood test in the morning, and by the time I see the Prof in the afternoon he has the results, so no waiting....

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    2. Sorry to be a "blog hog" but just posted this to Ripleybelle and thought you could use it too.
      "Breathe. You’re going to be okay. Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before. You’ve been this uncomfortable and anxious and scared, and you’ve survived. Breathe and know that you can survive this too. These feelings can’t break you. They’re painful and debilitating, but you can sit with them and eventually, they will pass. Maybe not immediately, but sometime soon, they are going to fade and when they do, you’ll look back at this moment and laugh for having doubted your resilience. I know it feels unbearable right now, but keep breathing, again and again. This will pass. I promise it will pass."
      — Daniell Koepke

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    3. I love that, GG, and will use it! Thank you!

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    4. I love that too GG - big big hugs and thinking of you tomorrow SM. I love yoga too there are some great short yoga sequences on youtube which is good when you're away from home or time short (ever the corner cutter) xx

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  13. Dear SoberMummy, I haven't been on here for awhile, still fighting at trying to keep the nasty booze out of my life. But, this blog post was so good for me to see, my destructive drinking pattern began during a prolonged, painful and public divorce from my girls' father...talk about using alcohol as a coping strategy!! Fast forward 12 years and alcohol did quite the addictive number on me, in a sneaky, conniving way. And it has caused so much pain for all. I am trying to find healthy things to plug into my life, so will definitely keep yoga in mind. You still have your own folder on my computer and I still love your candor and quick wit. I wish you the best concerning your health, you continue to be a beacon of strength with all of life's ups and downs!

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