Friday 22 April 2016

Get Out of Jail Free

There are a series of milestones we pass when quit drinking.

The first is just getting through a day without drinking. Sometime later, much later, we manage to get through a day without thinking about drinking.

Then there are all the firsts: first sober party, first sober holiday, sober Christmas, sober birthday etcetera.

Eventually, after much bitching and moaning, and some experimentation, we come to terms with the fact that we're never going to be able to moderate - to be a 'normal' drinker.

The biggie, the giant enchilada of milestones, is the one chiselled with the words 'FOREVER.'

(Can you chisel an enchilada? Sounds messy. You'd need to wear an apron. Note to self: try not to mix metaphors).

It took me at least six months to even think about forever.

But now, I don't find the idea of forever scary at all. Instead, I find the idea of going back to the dark days totally terrifying.

So, I was thinking, have I reached the Final Milestone? Is that it?

And it was playing a game of Monopoly that made me realise it's not.

(Monopoly is a serious business in the SM household. It involves lots of extra rules around passing Go, landing on Free Parking and going to jail. Plus, often the players use more than one piece simultaneously. And #2 cheats).

I realised that you haven't reached the Final Milestone until you've ditched the Get Out Of Jail Free card. The card that allows you an immediate exit in an emergency - without payment or guilt.

When I quit smoking, it didn't take me long to know that I didn't want to be a thirty a day smoker for the rest of my life. It took me a good while longer to reconcile myself to the fact that I couldn't just be a 'social smoker,' but - after a few tumbles from the smoke free waggon - I got there.

However, for many years I clung onto my Get Out of Jail Free Card.

I knew that I would never smoke again unless I had to attend the funeral of a very close friend or relative. I just could not imagine that scenario without me having a cigarette in my hand.

Likewise, I decided that I could, and would have to, play the card if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness. If you're going to die anyway, then why the hell not? And how could anyone get through that kind of situation without a lorry load of fags?

(1980s English slang alert! Fag = cigarette, not a derogatory term for a gay guy. Having said that, a lorry load of fit gay guys is probably just the thing in those circumstances).

But, at some point over the years that followed, I ditched the Get Out of Jail Free Card. The annoying thing is I can't remember when, as the whole point is that by then I'd stopped thinking about cigarettes at all. Ever.

Now, if I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, the last thing on earth I'd want to do is to start smoking! Yeuck! Why in the world would I tarnish my last days with noxious, smelly, stupidly expensive smoke? Madness!

BUT, when it comes to alcohol, I'm still clutching onto my Get Out of Jail Free card. I'm still thinking if my cancer came back (terminal), or if one of the children was seriously ill, or Mr SM died, then I'd have to drink. Not my fault. Just life.

I have no idea whether I'd ever actually play the card. I like to think that I'd have the courage to just leave it face down on the table. But I'd know it was there.

I also know that one day it won't be.

One day I'll realise that even if I only had twenty four hours before a meteor struck and obliterated the planet I would not drink. Not because I couldn't, but because I genuinely wouldn't see the point.

And that is, I believe, the Final Milestone.

But the bizarre thing is, once I've made it there, I won't be able to celebrate, because, like smoking, I just won't be thinking about it any longer.

Until some time in the distant future, maybe over a game of Monopoly with the future grandchildren, I'll pick up a Get Out of Jail Free card, and I'll remember, and smile a little (toothless) smile to myself, as I sip on my camomile tea.

Are any of you there yet?

Love SM x


29 comments:

  1. Timely as ever SM, just sitting having the,"really,,,,shock horror, you plan never to drink again, not even when we go out" discussion with my husband...who just doesn't get my situation. He can take it or leave it...but he does like the idea of saving money but not being made to feel uncomfortable drinking when I am not. I am sure he will love having a free taxi too....I am still only on day 29, but have done many day 1....love the Enchilada reference..laughing as usual...xx

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    1. Weirdly, Mr SM feels much more comfortable when I drink 'fake booze', as he feels like I'm joining in! So I'll have a virgin mojhito, or a Virgin Mary while he has a real one. Or we both have a Becks (but mine is Blue). You just have to be careful not to get the glasses muddled up! He totally loves the free chauffeur service too, but hates me being smug when he's hungover ;-)

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    2. Hi, funny just had discussion about what will you drink when we are out...Virgin Mojhito will be a go to for me too...I will get used to this...so will everyone else...:):)

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  2. My take is a little different. Since we're on a lifelong journey, I try to think of the final milestone as dying sober. I ditched the "get out of jail card" quite early. It doesn't mean I don't have struggles, but I know full well that if I start drinking again, I may not be able to stop again. I tell myself to drink is to die. It's easier to stay sober than to get sober. In my AA group, there are people who gotten through divorces, cancer and the loss of children and spouses without a drink. I try to remember their examples. If they can do it, so can I should a crisis come. I am a non drinker,there is no problem that alcohol can make better. I don't have to drink.

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    1. You're quite right, of course, Nancy. I never used my Get Out of Jail Free when I went through cancer treatment, and I like to think I never would in the future, whatever happens. I hope I'll never be tested that hard.... Xxxx

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    2. SM I was very struck when I first came across your blog that you were being treated for breast cancer yet your resolve to not drink had stayed strong. I don't expect to be tempted in those sort of circs because I am the type that likes to have my wits about me in a crisis. More likely it is mundane happy family occasions where I might suddenly be seriously tempted. When I'm not really looking or being vigilant. I worry about that a bit.

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  3. Today is my first sober birthday. Funny, tonight I was driving home from a long (ex boozy) lunch with friends and I thought, far out, this is forever. I'm almost at the 6 month mark and the past month has been tough. Went from feeling great to really missing it in my life. SM - your post the other day about moderate drinking after time off was so needed and helpful, along with the stories of many. Thank you all. For me, forever it has to be. When I start to think about trying to moderate again, I am being delusional. Control drinking is IMpossible for me, forever is possible one day at a time xx.

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    1. Happy birthday NBsyd! And hugely well done for getting through that dip. It really does get easier, but there are always ups and downs. Birthday hugs xxx

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    2. p.s. If at any point you start finding the sober birthday tricky, then focus on TOMORROW, because tomorrow morning is going to be the best morning-after-the-birthday ever ;-) xxx

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    3. Happy birthday! Just think of the gift you're giving yourself by being sober, it's the key to a better, happier life

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  4. Today is my birthday, too. A friend gave me a very nice bottle of wine as a gift. I dreamt about it last night. In the dream, I was going to drink it. I dropped it and I thought I could salvage it. I finally realized there was too much glass in the bottle. All of the stories I read about how hard it is to start Day 1 again surged through my brain. I woke up feeling very comfortable celebrating sober.
    The get out of jail free card is available to all of us. We choose not to use it.

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    1. Happy birthday KBurke! Glad you didn't even drink in the dream - that's awesome :-)

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    2. Hurrah Kburke - so glad you've got this far! Happy happy birthday! I'm on Day 43 - worried about hitting The Wall next week but knowing you're still going will really help me.

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    3. Nearly half way to the hundred, sunshine! Huge congrats xxx

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  5. P.S. I'm definitely not Ms. Virtuous. I ate a pint of Haagan Das coffee ice cream instead of the wine! 800 calories!

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    1. Lol! I overdosed on ice cream on my birthday too. A girl has to have vices ;-)

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  6. I'm really good at being an ex smoker. I hate the smell, the stains on people's fingers, the cost... and see ciggies as little sticks of cancer... I hope I see wine in a similar way eventually...maybe I will name it cirrhosis syrup in my head. I'm on day 42.. and and really pleased that my mum commented that my face was looking abit thinner... hopefully good things are starting to happen

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  7. Great post..I felt the same way about cigs (or fags) too. Then, when I made my first attempt to quit drinking a few years back, I found myself dabbling in cigs. On and off, every time I tried to quit. It became a vicious cycle. I NEVER thought I'd smoke again, unless of course, I was dying (and with my cancer diagnosis I didn't smoke, sans 1 day..when I really thought I recd a death sentence) But, I see how with the wine, that I cannot have that GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card. Because, I used it with cigs. I am so afraid I will use it with wine. And we all know how that will go! I guess I am weak/fragile, whatever!! But great post as it reminded me that I don't have a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card. It's either stay out of jail or stay in!

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  8. There is still plenty of booze in the house and where I work is awash with social stuff but I now seem to be in the mindset that taking even a sip would be a massive personal failure. It is still a card in the pack though and I know I also have rationalised my actions by saying "I can drink, anytime I want to but I choose not to". I gave up smoking many years ago and can't imagine a circumstance where I would smoke. Not the same with the booze, even though I have just read a book called how to do a liver transplant - really scary stuff and something else that will make me think twice beforeI put a glass of merlot to my lips. Starting to lonely out here again with some regulars silent now but its been a good week. Thanks SM, keep writing.

    Justonemore

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  9. Oh boy does this resonate! I've been thinking about exactly this and that word forever. My intention is to be sober forever but there is this gnawing exception - what if my younger soon gets sick for weeks with the mystery illness like he did last summer? Will I have the strength to get through that? The possibility of it happening again gives me nightmares. So for now, I'm holding onto my get out of jail free card and I hope to be able to give it away someday. But not just yet.

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  10. By the way, you are a really beautiful writer. When I took leave of the soberverse for a few months recently because I just wasn't ready, I really missed your blog. I couldn't read it at the time because I was struggling but I'm sure glad that you continue to write. It helps so many of us.

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  11. My get out of jail card is for when I'm 85 - I figure at that point I've lived a long, healthy life and so I'm going to go crazy in the resthome having all the things I can't currently eat/drink (meat/dairy/alcohol)! Although I'll probably not be interested by that point but it is something to hold on to right now :-)

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  12. Really love your post. The thought of what future situation might be my breaking point has been on my mind the past several days. Thank you for an awesome blog- you're a survivor and an inspiration in so many ways.

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  13. I can't imagine anything that would merit drinking.
    My father in law died unexpectedly when craig and I were 6 months sober.
    I wasn't sure if his father dying would be Craig's "get out of jail" card.
    Turns out, it was the opposite. He got through a distressing and sad time clear headed and proud of himself for helping his mom cope.

    And our son was very freaked out by the thought of a father dying....and we were both sober to help him.

    No, there's nothing so bad it couldn't be made worse by drinking....

    Anne

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  14. I like to think that I would never play that card. I like to think that I slipped it back into the pack. The hardest part of this past year has been cleaning up the rubble from my drinking demolition derby. I can't do this again. I can't go through another divorce, or another self - inflicted business disintegration, or another financial meltdown. But I can chose to never drink again. Ever.

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  15. Yes I've definitely got a few but I suppose the point is that we secretly hope we'll never use them. My mum used to say she'd start smoking again at 70 if she still wanted to as she really missed it (she stopped in her 30s in 1977) but of course she never did. I think smoking a joint is on her list too.... However I do know of another elderly family friend who has recently been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and has very happily taken up her long lost smoking habit!

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  16. I'm much earlier on in my journey SM and the thought of forever fills me with immense sadness - crazy considering the morning afters were really starting to weigh me down mentally. I did 70 days at the start of this year but then my sister in law's 40th became the point in my mind that I would be able to reward my good behaviour. I now have a list of rules as to when I can or can't drink - not a home or on my own for instance but as you said in a much earlier post, these rules of restraint are exhausting. The 70 days I did had me feeling great although the mine field of people's questioning as to why I wasn't drinking was full on.
    I can't think of forever right now, only one day at a time but that in it's self is an exhausting experience.

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  17. Another thought provoking post SM, thank you. Last time I was sober I managed 1 day shy of two years. I lost someone infinitely precious to me during that period of sobriety. He hung himself and I found him. Throughout all the pain, torment and grief of losing him I didn't touch a drink, or ever consider touching a drink.

    What made me pick up in the end over a year later was finding a lovely man with whom to share my life and the wine witch nagging at me that I could drink in moderation now that I was happy again. She is a cunning, sly hag. It took me nearly 4 years to get to stopping again and I'm 18 days in now. This time I don't feel nearly as scared as I did before about never drinking again, but I'm aware that could just be my pink cloud (long may the pink cloud last). Fingers crossed it continues.

    Your commitment to staying AF during your cancer scare was inspirational SM. I'd be happy to place a bet on you making that choice again should any other life crisis come your way :)

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