Tuesday, 2 February 2016

Scared

Back in October and November, when I was a newbie at the breast cancer clinic, and still going through the am I going to die? phase, I used to watch the 'graduates' breeze into the waiting room with a huge degree of envy.

These were the ladies coming back for their check ups. Often they sported short, gamine, post chemo hair styles. They looked confident and healthy. The breast nurses would greet them by name, give them a big hug and make a fuss of them.

Meanwhile, I'd be sitting, pale faced and traumatised, waiting for the results of my MRI scan, or lymph biopsy, or whatever, thinking one day, maybe, that'll be me: through the worst and out the other side.

Well, today it's my turn.

I have an appointment with my consultant, who haven't seen for two months.

The way the whole cancer thing works is like a conveyor belt. Your consultant surgeon does the initial diagnostic work and the operation. They then hand you over to the oncologist. They, in turn, pass you over to the radiotherapist, and when they've done with you, you get sent back to the consultant surgeon again for 'check up and sign off'.

I've been looking forward to it. Because once this one's out of the way, I don't have another hospital appointment for six whole months. I'd been planning to take chocolates for the nurses, and make a mini party out of the event.

But now I'm scared.

What if I don't graduate? What if I discover that I've failed, that I'm not 'all clear' and I have to start again at the beginning?

I've just started to move on from the whole cancer thing. It's been feeling a bit like that episode of Dallas, where Bobby steps out of the shower and realises that the whole of the previous series has been a dream. It all feels like the last three months all happened to someone else.

My lefty is all healed, and looking pretty good (well, it wasn't perfect to start off with, but at least it doesn't scare the children if they walk in when I'm having a bath). At the moment, I seem to have virtually no Tamoxifen side effects. I'm pretty much back to 'normal'.

Right now, I have that familiar knot of anxiety in my stomach (the one that feels very much like an alcohol craving). In fact, if it wasn't ten thirty in the morning I'd crack open a Becks Blue.

I'd reassured Mr SM, breezily, that he didn't need to take time off work to come with me, as it was all 'routine.' Now I'm regretting that.

I can't go over it. I can't go under it. I have to go through it.

Wish me luck.

SM x

32 comments:

  1. All the very best of luck SM! Thinking of you and sending positive vibes. X

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  2. Wishing you huge luck and sending a virtual hug through the interwebby thing.

    Funny how we build up since we think we "should" be over it or stronger or whatever only to find we aren't.

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  4. Oh poor you. Its a horrible feeling and sending you all strength to get through it. And also very best of luck. X

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  5. Dear SM, wishing you all the best for your appointment. I will be thinking of you. You will be fine. Sending you a virtual hug. A x

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  6. Best of luck SM, it is scary, I hope it goes ok for you.

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  7. One bird at a time SM.. Keep smiling and stay strong. The sun is shining on you in London town, positive vibes (and the force)be with you. xx

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  8. Wishing you luck, you're strong. Thinking of you.

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  9. Wishing for you that it all goes/has gone well x

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  10. Huge apologies! I accidentally deleted somebody's comment before I managed to read it. That's the problem with trying to do these things on a small iPhone screen!

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  11. best of luck dear SM - am thinking of you.

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  12. Lots of positive vibes being sent your way xx

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  13. Big positive blessed wishes for you. Scary indeed but you take everything one challenge at a time and channel that energy into getting over the next hurdle. You have become a fabulous example of someone who turns lemons into lemonade and you have shared and supported everyone here even when you were struggling. I hope you feel some of that support coming back from everyone here as we all wish you well. Big love SM.

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  14. Sending you massive hugs SM. You made me smile with the Dallas/Bobby reference. You'll breeze in and out tomorrow, supercool and supersorted. Love Red xx

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  15. Sending you massive hugs SM. You made me smile with the Dallas/Bobby reference. You'll breeze in and out tomorrow, supercool and supersorted. Love Red xx

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  16. SM, thinkining of you tonight and tomorrow. Be strong, don't waste your energy worrying.

    Justonemore

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  17. Big hugs. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. X

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  18. Big hugs. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. X

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  19. Good luck SM! You've done a brilliant job so far, so whatever Professor Loftus and that conveyor belt send you, you will just..have..to go ...THROUGH IT!
    Sending everything positive your way!

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  20. Another huge wave of postive energy sent your way!

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  21. Big hugs. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. X

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  22. Big hugs. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. X

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  23. Wishing you lots of luck. Hope you have a lovely sober treat planned for afterwards xx

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  24. Our review is in mid feb and I am scared too...be strong and I will try to be too! No pressure! Mx. ps. How is your aunt doing?

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    1. Good luck, Mae! Holding hands across the interwebby. Thanks for asking after my Aunt. She is in the middle of gruelling chemo, so very hard, but going to plan. xxx

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  25. Lots of luck sweetie, thinking of you. Big hugs

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  26. I'm wishing you all the luck and good vibes in the world SM. X

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