Being a survivor doesn't mean being strong - it's telling people when you need a meal or a ride, company, whatever. It's paying attention to heart wisdom, feelings, not living a role, but having a unique, authentic life, having something to contribute, finding time to love and laugh. All these things are qualities of survivors. Bernie Siegel.
One of the reasons I still haven't been to AA (aside from being a total coward), is that I've always kicked back against the idea of being a victim.
I hate thinking of alcoholism as a disease (see Is Alcoholism a Disease?) that has no cure. I don't want to feel powerless, or to 'surrender.' Nor do I want to define myself by the label 'alcoholic.'
That's not to say that I believe any of this is our fault. Nor do I believe that I can, or should, ever drink again. I know I'd end up right back where I started. But that's not because I have a disease. It's because alcohol is addictive, and I was an addict.
I prefer the Jason Vale attitude. We are not victims; we are survivors. We realised that we were in a hole, and didn't surrender. We climbed our way out, with the help of our friends.
Now we can get on with life, and make up for lost time. We have no need to define ourselves by a problem that's behind us (so long as we make sure never to go back).
My cancer diagnosis has taken me through the same thought process. I've realised that there are two ways of dealing with cancer:
1. You can scream WHY ME? See yourself as a victim of some cruel universe. Then you can live the rest of your life in fear of the cancer progressing or returning, spending hours googling 'cures' and prognoses. You can turn your rose tinted glasses into cancer ridden spectacles and live half a life.
2. You can take it as a wake up call. A reminder that life is precious, and that we need to make the most of every moment. You can see yourself as a survivor. A kick ass Katniss Everdene, who is only made stronger and fiercer by the whole Cancer Games experience.
We are not victims, my friends. We are survivors. Which, as Bernie Siegel says, doesn't mean being strong - it means being brave enough to ask for help when we need it, and finding time to love and laugh.
Happy hangover free Sunday!
SM x
Thus far, I have not been brave enough to ask for help. Now I am asking for help. Help! Your posts continue to inspire me, lovely girl. Annie x
ReplyDeletesorry to butt in here sm but annie, you need anything we can help with?
DeleteAnnie - do mail me sweetie. How was the meeting with Belle? Xx
DeleteGreat post SM. A close friend of mine asked me recently if I thought I was ( had been ) an alcoholic. I still struggle with that term, especially ( as we have discovered ) as there isn't a definition of what an alcoholic is. I told him that I am an alcohol addict then explained what I meant. I am now a sugar addict ( STILL not lost any weight! ) so tomorrow I am embarking on Jasey's '28 day Super Juice Me! ' regime. I am hopeful that one day someone will refer to me as a (slim) exercise addict ;-) Big love LNM x
ReplyDeleteP.S 8 months ROCKS!!! xxx
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is "EXACTLY" !!! Have a great sober Sunday, too.
ReplyDeleteI utilize both perspectives. I take what has kept me sober and chuck the rest. I like AA for its support and spiritual principles. I believe I am a survivor and this has built my self worth and self esteem to a level I never dreamed possible before! We are the lucky ones to get out of the depths of active addiction. We in AA pass along our gift so that others can also reap the bounty of life.
ReplyDeleteNaples Strong, Naples Sober
Day 46 sober for me . dusted of my juicer after a few years in the cupboard , Jason Value is brilliant , started daily juicing yesterday , going to try and drink 2 pints per day for a month and see how I feel. I sometimes go to AA meetings just to get the recognition that I am not alone and a bit of company. Dont dwell in AA , just need to get the best and most simple ways to recover and start really living. Brilliant blog , keep it going , and happy sober Sunday .
ReplyDeleteThanks SM! Love reading your blog and have been lurking for 49 sober days. I used to "enjoy" 1ish bottle of vino per night, more on weekends and with friends. Always found excuses, job too stressful, kids, husband, tiredness, family, etc.... Have been trying to moderate since Jan, had multiple 7 to 24 days stretches, this one is the longest ever aside from the pregnancies. Across the pond it's 7am. Happy GLORIOUS Sunday. Thank You! Sasha
ReplyDeleteWelcome Sasha, and huge congrats on 49 days - that's awesome work!
DeleteLove SM x
your strong positive attitude is infectious and inspiring. Happy Sunday x
ReplyDeleteAgree with all of that SM, and I think that when we figure out how awesome life can be without the Wine Witch...we start to THRIVE, not just survive. Have a great Sunday all, xx
ReplyDeleteDear SM, great post as usual and beautifully written. I am so pleased to hear how you are recovering and continuing bloom.
ReplyDeletePlease forgive me for adding, the third important one for me personally is about moving from surviving to thriving. I have been a survivor for many years. Alcohol was great at helping that. I survived in spite of it all. I love the idea of thriving, of moving on, of being, it takes a lot of work for me. Maybe it's because survivor means something else to me personally.
"...But thriving means, now that the bad times are behind, to put ourselves into occasions of the lush, the nutritive, the light and there to thrive with bushy, shaggy, heavy blossoms and leaves... It is better to name ourselves names that challenge us to grow as free creatures. That is thriving, that is what was meant for us" clarissa pinkola estes
I managed Day 5 with a weekend at friends, dinner and no wine. There was plenty of opportunity, a humongous wine cellar on display with more fine wine than I could possibly imagine! The kind of night I could live for in the past...the perfect set up, excuse for no limits wine pillage.. early convivial drinking, great company and food, and as Withnail would say "some of the finest wines known to humanity!" I stuck to my AF beers and the knowledge that I would not have to wrestle with myself all evening as to how much was enough when no amount would ever have been enough. The wine witch conversations were amusing...every visit to the ladies was another round of...nope, not one, not even going there... So Day 6 I have a cold but at least I know how I feel and i am not worrying how I might have embarrassed myself by the end of the night and filled with anxiety. I also realise how truly bone achingly tired I am. I even managed to start blogging...It kept me occupied on an itchy Day 4 on Friday night
I think you are not only a survivor but a thriver and one who generously shares her joy, love, wit and wisdom to help shine a light for all of us...especially those like me who are just starting again and need the help and support. Simply a huge thank you for your massive inspiration, you are a legend.
Xxx
Gosh I remember that tiredness! It'll pass! And you're quite right about thriving. I was thriving away happily until the wine witch was replaced by bloody cancer. Gggrrrrrr. Hopefully I'll be thriving again soon, but right now I'm just surviving.
DeleteWhat's your blog address??? Big hugs xxx
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DeleteDear SM, huge apologies I did not mean to infer anything of criticism in comments on surviving. I think you are thriving underneath still, once you move to thriving you don't lose it even when you have periods that feel like you are surviving. It comes back pretty quickly, it is never far away. You are creating in your wonderful blog and dealing brilliantly, honestly, openly with the grrrr cancer diagnosis. I hope the next appointments are positive and that you require no more or minimal treatment. You truly rock :0)
DeleteBlog is http://charnecalusitanohorse.blogspot.co.uk. It's nothing amazing in terms of my writing but it is for me the most amazing, if a little scary thing to be doing. I always thought I would write... and then never did. Now it's somewhere I can just create and be in touch with me and share this wonderful soul lifting beautiful horse who gives me so very much more than I can ever really put into words.
Alongside our beautiful children and significant other, close relationships, Horses, any animal that we have a connection with is truly one if life's very special gifts and spending 5 minutes with one will make most of us feel whole again.
Big hugs xx
No apology necessary! You were quite right! I'm with you on the animal thing. My little terrier has helped me more than I can say. Am going over to your blog.... SM x
DeleteAwesome. I have a few pro AA words to add, not in any way a criticism, but more a gentle reminder that it is a path that many find helpful.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I don't really use AA, I have to say it has nothing to do with being a victim, it is truly a path of self awareness and self responsibility. Everyone should read the 12 steps and apply them. They apply to many many things.
It is worth attending a meeting to see the real power of community and the realization that no, I am not broken or different. Others understand.
The disease model is accepted by the medical espatblishment. It might not quite fit everything, but overcoming addiction is clearly way beyond willpower or choice.
Anyway, for anyone reading, AA is worth checking out. If nothing more than to decide it isn't for you and to show you are willing and able to do whatever it take to make your life better!
Anyway, I am willing to say I am an alcoholic there, but really, I'm sober. And I love it.
Keep recovering! You are a huge inspiration,
Anne
Hey - happy to have found your blog! Thanks for alerting me to it, I have added you to my Blog List - hope this is ok! xx
ReplyDeleteDelighted, Mrs D, and thanks so much for dropping in x
DeleteDammit, why is there no LIKE button on here that I can repeatedly click???
ReplyDeleteYes, yes and yes. And BTW you would not be back at the START, but (as I recently found out from my 4 years sober gal friend) rather you would be back to the END--right where you left off.
Loving your attitude:)))
Another lovely post SM. I have avoided AA mainly because I don't like the idea that we are powerless over our addiction. I associate powerlessness with victimhood too, being stuck in an abusive relationship but doing nothing about it. We got out and are rebuilding our lives. Go Sober Mummy!
ReplyDeleteDear SM - this post is so inspiring. you are a total survivor SM and you rock. Thanks again for inspiring and helping me. Love SFM x
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog. I'm a breast cancer survivor too! I also don't like thinking of myself as a victim of either cancer or booze. It's just not who I am...
ReplyDeleteHi DobieGirl! Thanks for reading. I'd love to hear your story if you get a chance. I don't go near any cancer sites or forums. Too ghastly! I'm on sobermummy@gmail.com Big hugs xxxx
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