Am I Addicted to Sugar?

My name's Clare, and I'm a sugaraholic.

When I was drinking (a lot), I wasn't that interested in sugar. I felt quite smug about my lack of sweet tooth. I could inhale a packet of crisps (that's chips for my American friends) from twenty paces, but chocolate? I could take or leave it.

Then, I quit drinking, and hot chocolate and cake became my lifeline.

I have to confess, that over the last few years, that craving for sugar hasn't really diminished. In fact, it's got worse.

In our house, we have cupcake Friday. I don't actually bake the suckers. I'm really not that kind of mother, sadly. But I pick the kids up from school and we go to the local cupcake shop where they sell such beauties as Unicorn cupcakes! With horns and sprinkles.

I swear, eating a large cupcake with lots of frosting makes me totally HIGH.

But then, there's the inevitable crash, an hour or so later. And I've started craving that sugar high more and more.

When I was madly editing my new novel for a Christmas deadline, I spent hours in my pyjamas and Uggs, hunched over my laptop, mainlining mince pies. I kid you not. I ate dozens of those evil temptresses.

I know I am not alone. Many, many people tell me that after going sober they developed unbearable sugar cravings.

Why is this?

Well, it turns out that sugar acts on our dopamine levels in exactly the same way as alcohol, or cocaine, or any other drug.

Dopamine is a neuro-transmitter in the brain associated with pleasure and reward. If you have a tendency towards addiction, it is likely that you are particularly sensitive to dopamine.

When we drink alcohol, or eat sugar, our brains produce a spike of dopamine. Way-hey! The issue is that following that spike, there's a crash, which makes us crave more.

And over time, our brains reduce the amount of dopamine produced naturally to compensate for all the stuff we keep shovelling in, so without booze, or sugar, we feel a bit...meh.

After my Christmas sugar binge-fest, I decided that something had to be done. I needed to moderate.

I have, therefore, given myself some parameters. I will NOT eat sugar during the week. I will NOT eat sugar alone. I will NOT eat more than one cupcake in one sitting.

Is this all sounding horribly familiar?

And, just the same as when I tried those rules with booze, I find myself becoming obsessed by the idea of sneaking down to the newsagent and hiding a cheeky bag of Maltesers (they are mainly air, after all) in my shopping basket, amongst lots of random items that I don't actually need.

I did some research, and there is some good news. There are, it turns out, several ways to produce dopamine in a totally healthy way.

First off, you can eat foods rich in something called tyrosine, like almonds, bananas, avocados, eggs, beans, fish and chicken. Not as pretty as cupcakes, but they do the same thing in a more gentle, less addictive fashion.

You can exercise. Yoga is especially good at producing dopamine, but any exercise, particularly outdoors (dopamine loves sunlight) will do the job.

Make sure you get lots of sleep. If you're sleep deprived, your dopamine levels will go through the floor. That's why you crave sugar when you're tired.

Listen to music! Your favourite tunes lead to an increase in dopamine. Yes, really.

Get a massage. Apparently, massage therapy increases dopamine levels by nearly 30%, while also decreasing cortisol (the stress hormone).

I've been trying these strategies, and they really do work.

So, whether you're craving booze, sugar or cocaine, grab a banana, do some asanas in the sunshine, book a massage and turn the music up, and before you know it, the cravings will go.

Read the story of my first year sober, The Sober Diaries, described as 'Bridget Jones Dries Out.' You can get the first few chapters for free using Amazon's 'look inside' feature. Click here for UK, here for USA.

For daily inspiration and information, check out the SoberMummy Facebook Page. 'Like' page to stay updated.

Love to you all,

Clare

The Secret to Happiness

Whenever anyone asks me what I most want for my children, my answer is to be happy. And isn't that what we want for ourselves too, above everything else?

Well, I've read several books and countless articles on the secret of happiness, and one thing comes up again and again: Gratitude.

This is particularly important for we addicts, especially those of you who have only recently quit drinking.

The reason we love alcohol so much, the thing that makes us crave it more and more is dopamine. 

Dopamine is the feel-good hormone that is released in the brain whenever we reach for that glass of vino.

When we quit drinking, our brain really misses that dopamine, which is one of the reasons you'll often crave chocolate - sugar releases dopamine too.

But here's the good news: there's a really easy way to get the same dopamine hit, without all the downsides of alcohol like hangovers and self-hatred, and without mainlining cake: Gratitude.

Feeling grateful increases your levels of serotonin too, in exactly the same way Prozac does. It's nature's natural anti-depressant.

I know what you're thinking: that's all well and good, but what if you can't think of anything to be grateful for?

Sometimes life just really is a bit miserable. Everything is going wrong, and the last thing is the world you feel is GRATEFUL.

Well, here's a wonderful trick:

Remember when you wanted what you currently have.

I saw that written on Facebook, or Instagram, or a t-shirt - I can't remember. What I do remember is it getting stuck in my head and having a profound impact on me.

It's so easy to constantly strive for the next thing, always looking ahead and feeling miserable when we can't clear the next hurdle.

The crucial thing is to look back from time to time, and to see how far you've come.

For example, I have (many) days when my children are driving me crazy and I'm just exhausted with it all.

So, now I make myself remember my two early miscarriages, how utterly devastated I was and how all I wanted in the whole world was to be pregnant. I told myself that if my husband and I could have children I would never, ever want for anything else.

I remember when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer and thought I might die pretty soon. The only thing I wanted was to be around for long enough to see my children reach adulthood.

I remember when we bought our first flat, and just a couple of months later there was a fire in the flat two floors above us, and the whole house nearly burnt down. I remember thinking that the only thing that was important was a roof over your head.

If you're struggling with the early months of being sober, remember when the thing you most wanted was to just get through a whole week without a drink.

The truth is that when the s**t hits the fan, we realise that all we really want is the simple things: family, health, a home.

However bad things seem, if you can remember to be grateful for these things, for anything, you will feel happier. The more often you find something to be grateful for, the easier it gets and the happier you feel. Simple.

If you'd like to read more about how to feel happy without booze, then there's a wonderful article from Time Magazine going up on the SoberMummy Facebook page this evening. (If you 'like' the page, Facebook will keep you updated).

For the story of my first year sober, with all its ups and downs, read The Sober Diaries. Click here if you're in the UK, here for USA and here for Australia.

Love to you all!

SM x

Alcohol and Anxiety

Alcohol and anxiety are so closely entwined that it's difficult to know which comes first. Do we drink because we are anxious, or are we anxious because we drink?

In fact, both are true - one leading to another, creating a downward spiral, sucking us in like a spider down a plughole.

Alcohol gives your brain a dopamine hit, but, over time, it reduces the amount of dopamine it produces naturally to compensate, making you feel anxious and edgy whenever you're not drinking.

The good news is that when you quit drinking your brain will, over time, find its natural equilibrium and start producing dopamine again, all by itself. Woo hoo! Hello happy pink cloud.

The bad news is that in the early days of giving up you'll probably feel super anxious as your brain is missing all the dopamine you used to ply it with.

Added to which, you've been so used to self-medicating your anxiety with booze that you have absolutely no idea how to manage without it.

Well, here's an idea....

I was pottering around my kitchen a few days ago, with This Morning playing on the TV in the background.

I was stopped, dead in my tracks, half way through unloading the dishwasher, by Harry Judd - member of McFly and McBusted and winner of Strictly Come Dancing.

Initially, I have to confess, I wasn't even concentrating on what he was saying, I was just thinking OMG, he is just so gorgeous, and so charming, in an embarrassingly hormonal middle-aged mother sort of way.

Then I started paying attention. Harry was talking about how he had been crippled with terrible anxiety, and - as a result - had quit smoking weed and drinking.

He then discovered that the cure for his anxiety and OCD was exercise, leading him to write a book: Get Fit, Get Happy.

I bought the book.

Now I'm even more in love with him.

Harry writes honestly and engagingly about his issues, showing that anyone, however successful, talented and ripped (stop it, SM) can suffer from addiction and mental health issues.

Here's what Harry says about booze:

...I had been using alcohol to allow me to relax at gigs. I'd be hungover the next day, wake up feeling grumpy, have breakfast at midday, stagger to the tour bus and travel to the next venue. I would sometimes be pretty negative to be around and not as welcoming to the fans as I should have been. It wasn't until an hour before the next gig, when I would crack open the first beer of the day, that I would start feeling good about myself again. And so the cycle would continue.

Harry describes how drinking would lead to full on panic attacks and terrible anxiety. So, eventually, he quit. He says:

Kicking the booze was good for me in so many ways: it helped to stem my anxiety and it had a hugely beneficial effect on the way I was able to do my job....I was more positive around the fans and a happier person in general. My routine became healthier.

Hurrah for Harry!

Harry's book goes on to talk about why and how exercise is miracle cure for depression and anxiety, as well as being great for our physical health, obviously.

There are lots of exercises, categorised as 'beginner', 'intermediate' or 'advanced' which you can fit easily into your daily routine.

This certainly fits with my experience. I found running, walking the dog, yoga, swimming - any exercise really - invaluable in the early days of fighting off the wine witch.

I have to confess, I haven't yet done any of the exercises in Harry's book, but just looking at the (utterly gorgeous) pictures of him doing them has made me feel fitter, and happier. So there we go, job done.

If you'd like to see the interview with Harry on This Morning, it's on the SoberMummy Facebook page.

Also new on the Facebook page is a great Irish article about women's relationship with booze, and one of my favourite inspirational memes.

If you'd like to apparate onto my Facebook page, just like Harry Potter appearing in Diagon Alley, click here. If you 'like' the page it'll update you with new posts.

To read more about (and buy) Harry's book click here.

Love to you all,

SM x

You are not Alone!

Thank you all so much for the wonderful messages you left me on my Soberversary - I was totally overwhelmed. You're all amazing.

It's very easy to feel alone when you quit drinking.

It seems as if everybody else on the planet is quite happily sipping on a glass or two of wine a night, then stopping, without suffering any ill effects.

We, with our defective off-switches and hidden obsessions, feel like outcasts.

It doesn't help that the prevailing wisdom is that alcohol use is perfectly safe for the vast majority of people.

Only a poor, miserable handful, we're told, have a disease called 'alcoholism', and they must never drink. For everyone else, it's a sophisticated hobby. Chin chin!

Well, I came across two articles this week which have made me realise that we really are not alone, and we are not a tiny, sad minority.

The first was mailed to me by my friend J. It's an article in The Independent, headlined 'What the Five Most Addictive Substances on the Planet do to Your Brain'. Here's a link to the full article.

This article is based on research done in 2007 by Professor Nutt (I've quoted his well regarded, but largely ignored, study before).

Nutt's research showed that heroin is the most addictive drug available today. It increases dopamine levels in the brain by up to 200%, and only five times the level required to get you high will kill you.

Fair enough. Could have guessed that.

However, the next most addictive drug, more so than crack cocaine, barbiturates and nicotine is alcohol.

Studies showed that alcohol increased dopamine levels in the brains of laboratory animals by up to 350%, and the more the animals drank the more dopamine levels increased.

According to this research 22% of people who drink alcohol will develop dependence. That's nearly one in four people. Certainly not just a small, unfortunate handful.

The same point was reinforced by the second article, in the Evening Standard, headlined: NHS hospital hires Priory addiction expert to tackle rise in women drinkers.

Here's a quote: The hospital (St Helier) saw a near doubling of alcohol-related admissions of women aged 30-49 as part of a drink epidemic sweeping the capital.

So don't feel alone. Don't feel like you're different, that you were dealt a horribly bad card and that life isn't fair. There are millions of people in exactly the same boat as us, it's just that we're the ones clever enough to see it!

(And if you do feel lonely, just pop on here for a virtual hug).

Happy, sober Friday everyone!

SM x

Reasons to Quit Drinking #4: You'll Be Happier

Right now that probably sounds counter intuitive.

When I first quit drinking, my thoughts went along the lines of Aarrrgghhh! I'm never going to be properly happy ever again! Mainly because any image I had in my head of 'true happiness' involved a glass of vino.

Example: SM at her wedding with glass of champagne, SM watching sunset with Mr SM and a couple of cocktails, SM relaxing on sun lounger in glamorous location with chilled glass white wine etcetera, etcetera.

It's only looking back now that I see that I was only properly happy after the first glass or two of vino, and by glass number three things would start going downhill again.

I was actually suffering from low level depression, although it crept up so slowly, and I was so used to it, that I thought it was normal.

The link between alcohol and depression is a long established one.

Alcohol is a depressant. We think it's making us happier, but all it's doing is depressing our controlling behaviours like judgement, planning, reasoning and self monitoring.

Over time, constantly imbibing this depressant leads (unsurprisingly) to depression, anxiety and sleep problems.

In his NHS clinic specialising in alcohol problems, Dr Rao sees people in their 60s with subtle alcohol related brain damage after a lifetime of casual drinking.

‘I always say to my patients ‘Your brain is affected a lot earlier than your liver’, he says. ‘Before we see the cirrhosis we see depression and problems with impulse control, moodiness, problems making complex decisions, say with finances and their children or spouses might say ‘Oh that’s just so-and-so being a silly old bugger,’ so the problems are missed.’

(If you'd like to read more on alcohol related brain damage then here's a fabulous article from the Wall Street Journal, sent to me by Eeyore - one of my readers, not the donkey).

The good news is that much of the damage can be reversed within six months, but - according to the WSJ article - repair is less probable after the age of fifty. So don't hang around any longer!

The other issue with alcohol and depression is it becomes a vicious circle.

Often people say "I don't know if I drank because I was unhappy, or I was unhappy because I drank."

Actually, both are true. You drink because you're unhappy, which makes you more unhappy, so you drink more. It's like a whirlpool of unhappiness and booze sucking you down into the depths.

If you've been drinking at least three times a week, you've probably forgotten what 'normal' feels like. That's because it takes two or three days for the effects of alcohol to leave your system, so you're either drunk, hungover, or in low level withdrawal. Your poor brain is never in equilibrium.

Also, drinking messes with our dopamine levels.

Dopamine is the 'happy hormone.' When we drink, our brain is flooded with dopamine, making us happy. BUT when we drink a lot, regularly, our brain reduces the levels of dopamine it produces naturally to compensate.

This means that when we're not drinking we feel bad, and adding alcohol only takes us back to 'status quo.' Effectively, our 'happy' becomes a sober person's 'normal.'

For a few months after I quit, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster (see my post Sobercoaster). I was constantly up and down.

Then, at around six months, it seemed like a fog was clearing, and I felt happier than I could remember ever feeling with a glass in my hand. Not a manufactured happiness, but a bone deep contentment, and a real appreciation of the small things.

(see my post: Smile and the World Smiles With You for an example).

As well as feeling happier because you've fixed your brain chemistry, you'll also find that many sources of your previous unhappiness have just disappeared: no more stress and guilt about what you said to whom at that party, no more anxiety about being a bad parent, and no more irrational drunken arguments with the husband, for example.

So don't worry about never being happy again when you quit drinking. You've forgotten what happy really fees like. But you're about to find out.....

Love SM x

Borrowing Tomorrow's Happiness

Day 120.

I read a great expression yesterday which has lodged itself in my brain:

Drinking today will be borrowing tomorrow's happiness.

It struck me that that's what I've been doing for decades!

In the early days I would be trading massive fun on a night out for a minor headache the following day. But in the latter years it was a case of minor enjoyment the night before and a massive downer the following day (or days).

There is a physiological reason for this trade off too. Drinking alcohol releases dopamine in the brain which gives us a high, but the following day(s) we have a corresponding dopamine 'crash' which makes us feel miserable.

And over time, the brain is so used to being flooded with dopamine that it adjusts the level it produces naturally, meaning that there is less happiness in the bank to borrow from.

This then got me thinking that I have, in effect, borrowed all my future booze ration and drunk it already.

Perhaps you have a set amount in your lifetime that your brain can cope with and, given that I drank about 4 times what I should have for the last twenty years, I've used it all up. Nothing left in the booze bank.

Funnily enough, that thought makes me feel a bit better. At least it seems fair.

It's like Halloween - my kids favourite day after Christmas and birthdays. They go off trick or treating and come back with cauldrons brimming over with sweets and chocolate.

Now #1 and #3 are born hoarders. They are like their father. They squirrel away their loot and bring it out gradually over the course of about 3 months! That is not normal behaviour, surely?

#2, however, is like his Mummy. His cauldron is empty in about 3 hours, and I have to scrape him off the ceiling. Then, for months he has his sisters taunting him with their saved stash.

He understands, though, that it's his choice. He decided to over-indulge massively, and now he has to pay the price.

Well, that's me. And is it such a bad situation to be in?

Look at the alternative. I could confiscate #2's sweets and hand them out to him at 'moderate', 'sensible' levels over a number of weeks. But it would miserable for both of us!

#2 would never be happy with the amount he had. He would know there was more in the house somewhere and would obsess about it. We would have constant battles and arguments. He is happier, and I am happier, knowing that it's all gone.

There's another benefit to the 'all or nothing' approach to life.

Jason Vale points out that if you drink every two or three days (even moderately), then there is never a point when you do not either have alcohol in your system or are withdrawing from having had alcohol in your system.

You are never totally 'clean' and, therefore, never get the full benefits of being sober - physically or mentally.

With my all or nothing model, I got decades of going crazy (which, let's be honest, was a lot of fun in the beginning), and now I get the new benefit of being totally 'clean and serene'.

If I'd paced my lifetime supply out more 'sensibly' maybe I'd have got neither the wild days nor the serene ones.

And one thing I do know for sure is that drinking again now would be not just borrowing tomorrow's happiness, but a lifetime's.

Happy Monday!

Love SM x

Is Alcohol Free Beer Evil?

Day 61! Yee Hah!

About 2 weeks into the sobercoaster I discovered Becks Blue 'Alcohol Free' Beer.

Now I've never been a beer drinker. All weak, gassy and full of calories (that's a description of me and the beer, incidentally). I only ever drank beer if I was on one of my many (doomed) attempts to 'moderate'. Wine was my thing.

But when the wine witch strikes, and you need something to stop you killing someone, you have to have coping strategies.

My list includes: (1) Hot bath with bubbles and candles (works well until #1, #2 and #3 pile into bathroom asking for help with homework/whereabouts of favourite toy/refereeing sibling disagreement. (2) Sharing with likeminded friends in the blogosphere (also easily interrupted) (3) Drinking hot chocolate, 'mocktails' or alcohol free beer.

Of the above, the beer option is often the quickest, simplest and most effective antidote. Becks Blue is so like the real thing - it looks the same, tastes the same and smells the same - that I swear the first time I drank one I felt tipsy. It just goes to show how deeply programmed our brains are to equate certain cues with drunkenness.

Then I discovered that 'alcohol free' beers are NOT actually alcohol free. Plus, many experts strongly advise against them on the basis that they can lead to relapse. I freaked out. So I did some investigation.

Becks Blue is, it is true, NOT entirely alcohol free. However, it has only 'trace' elements of alcohol in it. Less than 0.05% ABV. This means that it is impossible to get intoxicated by drinking it. You would have to drink at least one hundred beers in a short space of time to get any effect at all from them.

However, remember that whole dopamine thing I've been obsessed by? Well, tests have shown that, in addicts, even the smell of alcohol, even the thought of alcohol, produces the dopamine reaction in our brains. The danger is, therefore, that drinking AF beer intensifies our cravings and can lead quickly to us reaching for the real thing. We need, the experts say, to get used to living life without any alcohol 'substitutes'.

It's true that drinking AF beer does trigger the old addict responses in me. I start thinking "I'd love a Becks Blue, but I'd better wait until after 6pm. Should I have another one? Hell yes, I deserve it, I've had a hard day...." etc etc, just the way I used to think about wine. But, oddly enough, that's part of the reason it works for me. I've kidded my brain into thinking that it is a proper treat - it is naughty. Much more so than fruity mocktails.

I do realise that I'm keeping the addict voice alive, and that I could be treading a dangerous path, but I've been drinking an average of 8 AF beers a week for the last six weeks and so far it has never triggered the desire to have a 'proper drink'. Quite the reverse - it makes me feel that I have had a proper drink and, therefore, keeps the wine witch off my back for a bit.

Not only that, but Becks Blue has helped me out in social situations too. An old friend of mine, a big drinker, dropped by last week. She and my husband tucked into a bottle of Chablis. Now when I last had a serious go at quitting this friend took it as a personal insult and gave me rather a hard time about it.

Given how rarely I see her (she lives out of town now) I didn't want to ruin both of our evenings with a tense exchange about booze. (I realise that her reaction is indicative of her own issues with alcohol, incidentally). So I quietly poured a Becks Blue into a glass and avoided any interrogation. Simples.

I posted the question "Is AF beer evil?" on the fabulous Soberistas website. I got a really mixed response. Some people said hell yes, do not touch with a bargepole, whereas there were several big fans.

I think that the truth is you have to know your own triggers. I was never a beer drinker, so beer isn't one of mine. I would never consider touching AF wine.

I also feel that, at least in the early stages, you have to love yourself a little, and if that means eating a bit too much chocolate, spending a bit of cash on shoes or drinking a few Becks Blues then so be it. Now that I am a yoda level 'quitter' I can give up all those habits further down the line....

I'd love your views on this one.

SM x

Moderation. Is it possible? Part 2

Day 55. Since I wrote Moderation. Is it possible? I found a fabulous insight into the topic in Caroline Knapp's 'Drinking, a love story,' so I thought is was a subject worth revisiting.

Knapp explores the neurological and physiological reasons behind alcohol addiction. Don't panic, I'm going to explain this in easy terms so that I can unserstand it properly, as well as you!

She explains that when the brain is 'excessively and repeatedly' exposed to alcohol (that'll be me then!) its natural systems of craving and reward are screwed up.

When we drink, our brain's reward system is artificially activated, and it produces dopamine. Dopamine is the brain's 'feel good' chemical. Over time, the brain susses out that it's producing far too much of the stuff, so it compensates by kicking into reverse gear and actively decreases our base levels of dopamine.

That's why, over time, drinkers feel more and more depressed, and start to believe that only alcohol will make us feel better. We're not actually wrong. Drinking enables us to produce dopamine again. What we fail to understand, however, is that it was drinking that caused the problem in the first place.

Effectively, we reach a tipping point where alcohol stops being the solution and starts being the problem.

The good news is that as soon as we stop drinking our brain gets back into balance, and starts producing the happy hormone again all on its own. In fact, in the beginning it can overcompensate. A bit like a rubber band pinging back into position, it initially overshoots. This is why ex drinkers experience the 'pink cloud' stage, followed by a series of ups and downs as our brains struggle to find equilibrium again.

The bad news is that by now our brains have been hard wired to believe that alcohol equals pleasure. Years of our dopamine levels being controlled by alcohol have, in effect, created the 'wine witch' in our heads. And the only way to shut up the wine witch is to not drink.

Knapp uses the best analogy I've heard to explain why alcohol addicts can't drink 'normally' again - that of cucumbers and pickles. She says that you can stop a cucumber turning into a pickle, but once it is a pickle it can never be a cucumber again.

If you're reading this thinking 'am I a cucumber still, or am I already a pickle?' have a look at 'Am I an alcoholic? Part 2' and try Bill Wilson's moderation test. If you find it impossible, over a decent length of time, to stick to drinking just one small drink a day then it is probable that your brain chemistry has already gone haywire. You have, in effect, pickled it.

I know this all sounds a bit depressing but, on the upside, it shows that you are NOT weak willed or pathetic. You are dealing with powerful physiological forces that 'normal drinkers' don't have to face. It is not your fault - it's the fault of the drug.

Plus, there are physiological reasons why you're feeling miserable (if you are) and you will get better. In fact, once we sort out our bain chemistry we should be able to feel as good as we ever did after a large glass of vino all the time!

Have a great weekend, all you fabulous pickles,

SM x

Related Posts: Moderation. Is it possible? What's so great about moderation anyway?