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Tuesday 19 May 2015

Losses and Gains

Day 79.

I thought that giving up drinking would be like an overnight transformation. I wasn't expecting it to be easy, but nor was I expecting the journey to be such an evolving and all encompassing one.

For me, it's felt a bit like moving house. And, in fact, many people try what AA call the 'geographical cure' when they decide to cut down or quit drinking.

The geographical cure involves leaving everything behind and trying a clean sheet of paper in a brand new place with brand new people. It usually doesn't work. The reason it doesn't work, apparently, is that the issues are internal, not external. When you move, you take them all with you.

Instead of clearing everything out and rearranging all your external stuff, you have to do the same thing with all your internal stuff. That, say the experts, is the only route to proper recovery.

And that's just what it's felt like to me.

Initially you bag up all the junk - the stuff you've always hated - and you chuck it out. Hurrah! You think. This is really easy. It's therapeutic. I should have done this years ago. What was I thinking?

That's the early stage of sobriety. The 'pink cloud' phase (see The SoberCoaster for more on pink clouds and 'the wall').

Overnight the hangovers have gone. You feel exhausted but positive. You've finally made a decision and started to do something about it. You are strong! Amazing! Unshakeable!

But then you have to start saying goodbye to all your favourite things. You lose all your routines, your comfort blankets, your oldest, most familiar friends.

Suddenly you find yourself sitting on an uncomfortable chair in a totally empty room feeling completely naked, alone and vulnerable.

(This was how I felt when I started weeping over the ironing a few weeks back (see Weeping). It's the phase known as 'The Wall').

But then, slowly, slowly the cold, empty room starts to fill up. You find some stuff that you haven't seen since childhood. You buy some lovely new things. And you discover that you don't miss the belongings you've left behind half as much as you thought you would.

Some of the things I've found creeping quietly into my empty room are courage (see Anxiety and Courage), compassion (see People in Glasshouses), energy and creativity. And I know there's more coming, so long as I leave the door open.

I'm looking around my new house and thinking "Ok, I'm not quite at home here yet, there's stuff that I still yearn for, but it's looking okay. It's still a bit sparse, but everything here feels like it's here for a reason, and not just because I've got used to it."

If I get really nostalgic, I can drive by my old house and have a good look at it. But it's not my home any more and I can't go back there. And, eventually, I won't want to, because my new home will be so amazing that it won't even cross my mind....

Does that ring any bells for you, fellow travellers? Or am I just going quietly crazy?

Love SM x

19 comments:

  1. Great analogy. At ten months sober I still have some empty rooms and struggling to know how to fill them. Emotions are still all over the place, but I am making progress and have no desire to drink.

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  2. OK - now I figured that out I can really comment! SM, I found your blog about a week ago and you are truly an inspiration. Your writing is honest and funny - and very real. Every single thing you say really resonates with me. I appreciate your commentary on what each new day brings, the way you include the bad with the good, and the way you pepper it all with real world research. You are well ahead of me in days but not so far ahead that I can't see that what you have is within my reach. Thank you so much for doing this and please keep going! ps. how's the weight loss going? I'm really looking forward to that bit!

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    1. Hi Miss Jean Louise! Are you the lady who e-mailed me? Thank you so much for your lovely comment. It makes it all worthwhile reading feedback like that. Bless you! Still steadily losing weight - about one pound a week. But watch out for the sugar cravings!!! Love SM x

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    2. Hi - I don't think I emailed but I may have by accident! I tried to post a couple of times and they disappeared. Maybe went to email? Yes, sugar cravings have already hit. There is a little ice cream place near my work that has a drive through and I've been there about four times in the last week. And I'm going today. Drive through ice cream!! I also follow Belle on tired of thinking about drinking and she's all about the sober treats so I'm ok with my ice cream for now.

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  3. I love your analogies. They are spot on x

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    1. And I love you, Tallaxo! Btw, I discovered that 21% of readers of this blog are male. You are not alone after all!

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  4. What a wonderful way to put it. One of the reasons I've not been AF for more than 3 months before is because of the baggage. It's easier to just shove it in the attic and try to forget about it. This time, I am (hopefully) going to have a good clear out. It scares me to death but so does the prospect of not quite living. x

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    1. I bet you find some gems amongst all the baggage too LNM. Talents you've forgotten you had, or strengths you'd thought had disappeared.... Hugs xxx

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  5. I like the new house I am building!
    It's nice!
    xo
    wendy

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  6. Congrats on Day 79! By the time you read this, you will be on to Day 80. What an achievement - talking about empty rooms, how is that novel coming along?

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    1. It's finished, but I need to edit now. I'm using the blog as a displacement activity! I need to blog less and novel more xxx

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  7. Great post SM. You write so well. Congrats on day 79! A x

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  8. Hello! I've been enjoying your blog. And sober minds think alike re your house moving analogy. I wrote something along the same lines a while back: https://besoberbea.wordpress.com/2015/04/13/theres-no-place-like-sober/
    Nice to meet you on this crazy journey :) Bea

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    1. Hi Bea! Thanks for the link. I love your blog. You feel like a kindred spirit. I especially love your picture of Max from Where the Wild things Are. I have always loved that book. And I thank you for the blue boobies. xx

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    2. It's lovely to meet another wild blue sober booby 😊 x

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  9. I hope I'm not too forward in suggesting/asking if you might think about putting together a 'timeline' of what us newbies can (possibly) expect as we travel along the sobriety path. You write so incredibly well and seem to speak to people at all stages of sobriety. Forgive me if you have already considered or done this as I'm still only up to May in my reading of your blog from the beginning. As others have said, I love your blog, it really resonates with me. Each and every post feels like you know how and who I am (49 female 3 kids). Love, Jane xx

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    1. Hello again Jane! Thanks for you v kind comment. When you get to end August you'll see a post called 'How long does it take to recover from alcohol addiction' which gives a rough guide. I'm planning to do something more comprehensive before Jan (when I'm expecting a whole load of newbies ;-)) thanks again! Xx

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