Be Your Own Best Friend

I took this photo two days ago.

I was in a cafe with my friend, Harriet, waiting for the results of my blood tests.

Those of you who know my story will be aware that I am a breast cancer survivor. As a result, I have regular check ups at the cancer clinic to make sure that there aren't any pesky cancer cells rampaging around my body.

Currently, breast cancer that spreads beyond the breast and lymph nodes (secondary breast cancer), is incurable. So waiting for those test results is a bit.... nerve wracking. To say the least.

So Harriet came with me to hold my hand. And I took this photo to remind myself of the true value of a great friend.

You see, Harriet is a busy lady. She runs a business from home. Her incredible Spacemasks are so popular that the Royal Mail come to her house to collect her mountains of boxes, packaged up by herself, often with hand written note.

But Harriet wasn't too busy to take a whole morning out to sit in a hospital waiting room with me. And I wasn't exactly sparkly company.

True friends, I realised, will always put you first when you're having a tough time.

They don't expect you to be perfect. They applaud your strengths and forgive your weaknesses, which they know are what makes you human.

A real friend doesn't expect you to always be on best form. They know that sometimes you just need to sit quietly and have a hug.

And this got me thinking. Why is it that we are unable to treat ourselves the way we'd like our friends to treat us?

So, please, if you are having a tough time - whether you're giving up the booze or another addiction, going through a divorce, coping with illness, or just dealing with the lemons that life sometimes chucks at us, then treat yourself like your own best friend.

Make time to look after yourself. Give yourself a hug, by taking some time out to relax, buying yourself flowers, booking yourself a massage. You deserve it.

And stop judging yourself! We often focus on our faults and ignore our strengths. See yourself the way your best friend does - flawed, yes, but awesome.

And you know what the amazing thing is? If you start to really believe that you are worthy of friendship, you attract even more friends, and you'll have even more hands to hold.

And if you have a friend who's going through a hard time, please be like Harriet.

When I was drinking (a lot), I spent an awful lot of time thinking about myself. Usually negatively.

Now I have so much more time and energy that I can properly focus on other people, and I'm a much better friend. Still not perfect, but better.

And, by the way, the blood tests were all clear! Whoop whoop!

You can read my story, of quitting the booze (and getting breast cancer) in The Sober Diaries. Click here to go to my Amazon page. You can read the first few chapters for free using the 'look inside' feature.

There's loads more information and inspiration on the SoberMummy Facebook page here, and you can now follow me on Instagram at @clare_pooley

Love to you all,

SM x

Dry January

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

Welcome to a brand new decade. A clean sheet of paper. A fresh start. A chance to be a new you, or to rediscover the old you.

Is your New Year's resolution to do Dry January?

If so, you're not alone. An estimated 5 million people in the UK are taking part in the Dry January challenge in 2020.

Whether you want to quit just for for the next month, or whether you've realised you've got to give it up forever, here is some advice on how to get through the first 31 days.

It's really hard to condense this into just one post, but there's more information on all of this - and very much more - throughout this blog and on the SoberMummy Facebook page.

1. Preparation

Getting your head in the right place is crucial. If you start the month with a sense of dread and deprivation you'll never make it.

You are doing an amazing thing. You are about to change your life for the better. Be excited!

If that last sentence is just incredibly irritating, and you can't imagine feeling anything like excitement right now, then read Jason Vale's book: Kick the Drink, Easily.

In fact, read it anyway. It'll completely change the way you think about drinking, and make the whole process of quitting much easier.

You could also read The Sober Diaries (click here) about my first twelve months off the booze, which will give you a really good idea of all the downs, and the ups, that you can expect, with a few good laughs (and some tears) along the way.

Write down, right now, while you can remember, all the reasons why you want to stop. The big ones (like health concerns) and all the little ones (like being embarrassed about all the empty bottles in your recycling bags).

Over the next few weeks there will be many moments when you will think "why am I doing this?" You'll need that list as a reminder.

2. Know what to expect

The first two or three weeks after quitting drinking can be physically and mentally gruelling, but it's much easier if you know what to expect, and know that it's all perfectly normal. After years of flooding your body with addictive toxins, it's bound to fight back a bit when you quit.

You will probably feel more tired than you can imagine. By mid afternoon you'll want a nap - like a toddler. You'll feel muggy headed, like you're wading through soup, and your concentration levels will be completely shot.

Don't worry - it'll pass. See it as a sign that your body's recuperating.

Ironically, you may find that you also have problems initially in getting to sleep. Again, this is temporary. Soon you'll be sleeping like a baby - better than you have in years. And no more waking up at 3am with the night horrors.

You might get headaches and/or constipation. That's all part of your body detoxing. Drink lots of water, fresh juices and smoothies.

You may be a bit (or a lot) tetchy and snappy. Like a bad case of PMT.  Try to avoid taking on anything too crucial or stressful over the next week or two.

You'll constantly think about drinking. Or not drinking. And, generally, the more you try NOT to think about something, the more you do.

I found that the best thing to do is to indulge the obsession - at least initially. I read endless books, articles and blogs about drinking. My favourite drinking memoirs are Caroline Knapp's Drinking: A Love Story and Sarah Hepola's Blackout. For great drinking fiction read Girl on The Train by Paula Hawkins, or Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes.

3. Find Some Friends

It's really difficult to quit drinking on your own. You might be lucky and have someone 'in real life' who's doing it with you. The problem with that, however, is if they cave they're likely to take you down with them. And they might not need to quit as much as you do....

Luckily, there's a huge amount of help online - a whole Soberverse!

Why not sign up to www.soberistas.com where you'll find huge amounts of help and support, or the wonderful Facebook community of Club Soda at www.joinclubsoda.com?

There's a fabulous group of sober people on Instagram too. You can find me @clare_pooley, and check out @soberdave, @soberfishie, @janeyleegrace, @sober_and_social, @thegaysober and many more.

There's also AA. I have to confess that I've still not been myself, but they've helped millions of people and saved endless lives. With AA you get all the help and support you'd get online plus real hugs, not just virtual ones.

4. Be good to yourself

You are doing a phenomenal thing. And it's not easy. So, for the next few weeks at least, don't try to do anything else. Don't worry about dieting, about getting a new job or redecorating the house. Just concentrate, for the moment, on NOT DRINKING!

Give yourself some rewards - you deserve them. And you're saving money! Eat cake. Drink lots of hot chocolate (it has magical properties - you'll see). Have hot baths with bubbles and candles. Book a massage. Whatever makes you feel good.

5. Watch out for cravings

You're bound to get them, especially at your main trigger points, like 'wine o'clock' or when you're hungry, tired, stressed or bored. Or pretty much anytime, actually.

Remember - THEY WILL PASS. You just need to distract yourself for as long as it takes.

Bake cookies. Or, the more healthy option, do some exercise. Go for a long walk, or a run. Getting away from the fridge or any drinking environment is a good idea.

Have a hot bath. Check out the SoberMummy Facebook page here for daily information and inspiration ('like page' to stay updated). Log onto Soberistas, Club Soda (see above) or your favourite blog. Take up knitting, colouring, the guitar - whatever works.

6. Wait for the miracles to happen

Just take it one day at a time and you will, slowly slowly, start to see the benefits.

You'll sleep better than you have since childhood. Your eyes will be brighter, skin fresher and hair bouncier. You'll look five years younger.

You'll lose the puffy face and the wine belly. You'll feel calmer and happier.

But the best things about being sober don't happen in the first month. They keep on coming, over the weeks, months and years.

So don't just do Dry January. Consider making it forever.

Just think about it....

Good luck to you all!

Clare x

By the way, my novel - The Authenticity Project - is out soon! You can pre-order here (UK), or here (USA)

Original post updated on 1/1/2020