Thursday 22 March 2018

Making Sober Less Shameful



Whenever I'm asked what the most difficult thing was about quitting alcohol, I always reply "other people."

I was horribly addicted to cigarettes too, many years ago, and when I finally managed to quit everyone was really supportive. I was constantly congratulated and told that I was brave and wise and amazing.

No-one asked me why I wanted to stop smoking, tried to convince me to 'just have one' or accused me of being boring.

Yet when I quit drinking it was very different. Instead of feeling virtuous, I felt ashamed. Instead of feeling supported, I felt shunned.

This makes me really mad.

So I did a TEDx talk.

I talked about why I found it easy to tell people I had breast cancer, yet impossible to confess to alcohol addiction.

I talked about shame and other people's reactions.

I talked about how alcohol is the only drug you have to justify NOT taking, despite the fact that the science shows it's the fourth most harmful drug after crack, heroin and crystal meth.

I talked about the link to cancer, especially breast cancer.

Then, crucially, I talked about three things that we can all do to help the superheroes who pluck up the courage to ditch the nation's favourite drug, by addressing the stigma around alcohol addiction.

Yesterday my talk went up on YouTube. There's a link at the top of this page. I'd love to know what you think. I'd love it even more if you could share, and help drive the Sober Revolution.

Full disclosure: I haven't dared watch it myself yet.

Love to you all,

SM x

To read the book about my first year sober, click here for UK, here for USA and here for Australia. You can read the first few chapters for free by choosing the 'look inside' feature.

36 comments:

  1. I just watched your You Tube talk, it's amazing, well done. I did 65 days sober but slipped off the wagon this week and I feel dreadfully ashamed and disappointed with myself. But I will pick myself up, dust myself down and start again as I know being sober is the only option for me and your talk has really helped. I will also re-read your book as it so helped me through the first few days. Thank you for everything, I know I can and must do this xxx

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    1. Don’t give up! Every day is a new chance.

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    2. Thanks Wendi, I really appreciate your support. Day 2 and counting!! xxx

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    3. Please don't feel ashamed. Well done on posting

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    4. Thanks for your supportive message Midlifecrisis, I really appreciate it.

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  2. Go Clare! I'm impressed you could get through all that without notes :) I'll be showing this to Helen ( Mrs w3stie ), but she's already my top backer and cheerleader!

    Love
    Rob

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  3. Brilliant!!!! Excellent talk Clare ... Your honesty shines through and will, I am sure, encourage more to join the sober revolution to the freedom you promise and many of us can endorse :-)

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  4. Awesome job, Clare!!! I'm happy to join you in the Sober Revolution. "Hope, it is the only thing stronger than fear." Absolutely love that quote from HG. Day 51 for me and going strong. Thank you for all you do. xx

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  5. Wow! That was a powerful talk Clare - slightly humourous, but to the point.

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  6. You should totally watch it! You were inspirational. I’m about halfway through Sober Diaries and it dawned on me your blog must still be up, so hello! Today is 291 days of heavenly sobriety.
    I always find it fascinating how so much of all our journeys are the same ( wine witch, obsessively reading/watching about alcoholism) but so much is unique as well.
    Getting sober is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself, even more than going vegan which positively effects everything physically, but ditching alcohol frees your mind and soul.
    Stay strong!

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  7. Great TEDx talk. The message came across loud and clear. Happy to be part of the Sober Revolution. Feeling great at Day 54!

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  8. Wow amazing talk and you managed to tell it with humour and seriousness in equal measures to get the message over. Just finished your amazing supportive book and will use it as a reference. 26 days and feel amazing and strong. Xx

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  9. Brilliant talk Clare. Well done. You should watch it and be proud. I agree that other people are the hardest part of quitting. However, it wasn’t long ago that I was one of those other people so I do get where they’re coming from but hope I can inspire change. If I can stop drinking anyone can. It’s great to be part of the sober revolution.

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  10. It was soberbrilliant you inspiring courageous woman you, thanks for doing it x

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  12. Great job, Clare :)

    And pleased to see that all those years in marketing weren't wasted: excellent Lucozade analogy.

    PS Do you even remember your 'comfort zone' now..?!

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  13. Bloody brilliant missis! You nailed it. You were my first glimmer of light back in the summer of 2016. You gave me hope and started my thinking on a different tack. Right now with the inspiration of you and other sober warriors (Belle in particular) I've achieved 96 consecutive days and life is brilliant. Thank you Clare :) xx

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  14. Fantastic TED talk - just like your book and blog - Clare Pooley you are so real. I am one of your followers from the other side of the world. After a lifetime of shame that I could not become permanently AF something in you "message" has changed my thinking.
    I knew all the risk factor, especially what it was doing to my brain, but it is your positive message of "freedom" that has finally worked. Alcohol abuse is like a cage - it keeps you stuck - but being AF that cage has disintegrated and I don't want it round me again,
    You are very brave - you are very real - you are extremely impressive.
    Thank you

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  15. Such a good turn Clare. Made me want to give up all over again! Well done you were fantastic.

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  16. Wow Clare that was amazing! I'm 4.5yrs alcohol free & I agree that the most difficult thing in the early days was other people! Now I couldn't care less how others judge me but I'm secretly smug that I escaped the booze trap! Keep up the good work you're a real ambassador for living life in reality!

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  17. Clare, wonderful talk, do watch it, and feel proud of yourself! I'm still happily sober and feel great xx

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  18. A great talk Claire. I am reading your book and trying to give up alcohol. I have to confess that it’s hard. I know I can do it so will continue on the journey.

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  19. I loved your talk Clare. Well done :-)

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  20. Clare your amazing!!! This is on my to do list this weeeknd, when I’ve got time to sit and listen to you properly. Your a total inspiration! A sober warrior leading the way for us all! Go you! Xxxxx

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  21. Well done, SM! The best journeys come when we leave our comfort zone, eh? Bravo.

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  22. Clare,what a beautiful talk. It was so gentle, and yet forceful at the same time. Your articulacy (is that a word) is one of your best weapons - along with the perfect pacing of your dialogue, whether spoken or written. Thankyou so much you are such an inspiration.

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  23. Fantastic talk Clare. Well done you 😊

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  24. Really great talk SM, I got to day 33 then fell of the wagon with g and t, I don’t need the wine can easily not drink that but g and t is my witch. I re started and got to day 15 but had some sad news so g and t again. I can’t seem to find a go to for it, tried the seedlip but didn’t like it. Anyone got any ideas ? So today is my DAY 1 and this time I’ll succeed. If I’d stayed strong I’d now be on day 65 so so cross

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    1. Hi, could you use lager as a substitute? Not great but when I crave alcohol I binge drink 2 or 3 bottles Becks Blue which bloats me so the thought of alcohol is far less appealing. Or perhaps you could try this with lots of Fever tree tonic to take off the edge. Make it look nice with a slice of lime etc.
      Please hang on in there, it will be worth it xxx

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  25. A wonderful and inspiring talk; brava! I’ve rewatched it a half dozen times and shared it with several people. This is my declaration of independence. Thank you!

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  26. I welled up when I got to the end of this Clare. Joy. Pride. Freedom.

    Yes, and my own sobriety is down to a lightbulb moment in an airport on flicking through your book. (I'm currently reading it, 84 days sober).

    Thank you, you're an inspiration. I have started to tell people and when I tell them I say 'I'm not ashamed, alcohol is an addicted substance and I became addicted.' People largely say they're proud of me. Well, so far…

    xxx

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  27. Just BRILLIANT!

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  28. Just watched your talk and it was great, really clear and giving the right message. I'm going to repost on Facebook, I especially liked the bit at the end about congratulating friends who have quit, I wish people would! 78days sober and loving it. Xxx

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  29. Brilliant Claire. Totally relate to all of it. Have never been able to moderate and have beaten myself up again and again - and have more embarrassing drunken stories to last a lifetime already. The shame of it is that I love nice wine but need to beat my wine witch into submission. Have only drunk 37 days so far this year but have reduced gradually and am now 3 weeks today no drinking at all. And intend to keep going. Anyway, on the subject of the "shame of not drinking", I find this very hard. We live in a small middle class village where nights out are raucous. A week ago was the village ball. Much excitement all round. However, as the event approached I found myself more and more nervous about drinking (too much) and spoiling it for myself, even though I was so looking forward to drinking? I just knew that I would not pace myself. I finally made the decision not to drink AT ALL and to drive (even though it was within walking distance) and once I had made the decision I was instantly relaxed and looked forward to it sooo much more (strangely). It was like the pressure was off. BUT I had to hide my sobriety for the evening (hubby was primed to get sparkling water for my gin requests and I blundered my way through wine pouring at the table, saying I was "pacing myself" rather than admit that I wasn't drinking!). Everyone expected everyone to be drinking! Anyway, for any of you that are struggling, take strength from the fact that I kept going (sober) until 3am and had THE BEST time! Admitted to a few that I hadn't drunk a drop (mainly because I was driving and didn't want them thinking that I was drunk). But to be fair it is unlikely that any of them will remember the conversations! It can be done. We are not boring! Keep up the good work Claire, you are an inspiration to so many of us who can relate to your experiences with the ol' booze. :)

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  30. Spelt your name wrong!! ARRGHH!! Sorry Clare. How rude!! x

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