Tuesday, 19 December 2017

Why Mummy Drinks Wine



There's something I need to make clear right at the beginning of this post:

Motherhood is by far and away the most rewarding, enriching and joyful aspect of my life, and my three children fill me with wonder every day. However...

....motherhood is hard. Harder for our generation, I would suggest, than for any previous one.

A while ago, my sainted mother came to stay at our house for a week to look after the children while the husband and I went on our first holiday without children for thirteen years.

She was horrified!

"Why do you women make things so difficult for yourselves?" She asked. "Why all the after school activities, the music practice, the endless playdates, the fussy organic food? We didn't have any of that stuff in our day. You ate fish fingers, Smash and Angel Delight and spent your afternoons in front of the TV, and you turned out all right!"

Well, that's debatable, but she has a really valid point.

I have seen motherhood from both sides of the great divide: as a full-on working mother and as a stay-at-home mum. They are very different, but both equally hard.

As a working mum, I was desperately trying to perform in the office as if I didn't have children at home, and to be the sort of mother for my children who didn't have a job.

I constantly had to morph, suddenly and seamlessly, from one persona to the other, from presenting at a board meeting to reading the Gruffalo for the thousandth time, and I was convinced I was failing at everything.

After I quit, I was determined to be the perfect mum, to create craft tables and freshly baked cupcakes and to remember to do my pelvic floor exercises.

Instead, I felt guilty about how tired and isolated I felt much of the time, and I was exhausted by the stress of trying to persuade fussy children to eat the perfect diet, to keep them off the electronics which I was told would fry their brains, and to mimic all the perfect images of motherhood littering my Facebook feed.

There has been a backlash recently, with a host of fabulously funny mommy bloggers railing against the pressure to be perfect and revelling in being relaxed, slovenly mothers.

And hurrah for that!

But what antidote do they suggest to all this stress and pressure?

BOOZE! Lashings of it.

There's are several bestselling (and hilarious) books along these lines, like Hurrah for Gin, Why Mummy Drinks and Unmumsy Mum.

There are endless Facebook memes about wine o'clock and mummy's little helper.

And I get it! I get it better than anyone. For a decade or more, wine was my sanity, my oasis, the way I slid from one part of the day into the next.

The problem is that all the books, all the jokes, normalise using an addictive drug as self-medication.

We get so used to dealing with all the everyday ups and downs of life with booze that we don't learn any healthier ways of de-stressing. After all, pouring a glass of wine is much easier and quicker than meditating, doing yoga or going for a run...

Slowly, insidiously, the amount of wine you need in order to wind down increases, and you discover you're drinking a bottle of wine a day and finding it impossible to moderate.

So, at the risk of sounding like a killjoy, I think we have to call time on the mummy wine jokes because what they do is normalise the issue. I spent years thinking the amount I drank was perfectly okay, because everyone else was doing it too...

Astonishingly, the hugely popular mummy blogger, Scary Mommy, agrees with me. She says she's 'done making Mommy wine jokes.' Her post explaining why is on the SoberMummy Facebook page (click here to visit, and 'like' to stay updated).

But, more than that, I think we have to look at why mothers end up relying on wine, and start creating lives for ourselves that we don't feel the need to run away from.

We have to make life simpler, and stop judging ourselves, and other mothers, so harshly. We need to focus on the important stuff- creating a relaxed and happy home, not one driven by lists of endless stuff we all have to achieve.

If you'd like to read the story of my first year without booze, you can buy my book - The Sober Diaries - here.

In other news, I've found a brilliant group of (mainly) women, based in Cape Town, but with a global following, called World without Wine. If you're doing Dry January you can sign up to receive daily motivational e-mails. They also have a fabulous Facebook page.

Love to you all!

SM x




14 comments:

  1. Needed to read this today. Feeling really fed up. Day 2 of school holidays and just can't muster up any enthusiasm for Christmas cheer. It's not the kids. They are fine. It is as you say, a life I've been feeling the need to run away from. Only on day 23 of sobriety. Nearly caved last night. Felt exhausted after a day out and fairly "meh". Was trying to decide which wine to open and came to the realisation "it won't actually help". And that was it. I grabbed an A/F beer and walked away. I'm sure this feeling will pass (been about 3 days) but right now it feels really heavy.

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    1. It will pass Dancing Leopard! But in the meantime, take it really easy. Be good to yourself. Drink hot chocolate and get lots of sleep. Be proud of yourself. You are awesome! Merry Christmas! ❤️❤️❤️

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    2. Thank you SM. I have been on both counts. Made a special trip to Hotel Chocolat this weekend to buy some of their Winter Spice speciality 😁
      Merry Christmas to you too. Hope you are getting excited about your book launch! X

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    3. Good for you Dancing Leopard. The "it won't actually help" realisation shows you are being realistic, and the fact you acted on it says you are taking responsibility for your life. That's a great step right there! Treat yourself, like SM says, read this blog - it's brilliant. The sadness and the feelings will go, and you will find yourself in a much much better place.

      Love

      Rob

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  2. Test....been unable to post. Trying sneaking in as anonymous...

    Anyway, it's Northwoman wanting to say that I realized today it is a sure-fire, absolutely SIMPLE (���������� yeah right!) 4-word method to success:

    I wanted. I ignored.

    Ok, i said it was simple...i didn't say it was easy��

    Hang in there D. Leopard!

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    1. (Too bad about the emoji fail. I'm sure y'all can guess the expressions intended.)

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    2. Great to have you back NorthWoman! Blogger seems to be randomly taking against people in a sulky teenage sort of way! Ang75 having the same problem. Dratted technology!

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  3. It’s doing it again to me ??????

    Anyway it’s Ang, love the post!! And I’m sending lots of positive hugs to anyone struggling with the early days, this is my second sober Christmas and last year I only had a few weeks under my belt before Christmas, stick with the hot chocoate, cancel anything you don’t want to go to, lots of early pj days and duvet days and remember if you can do a sober Christmas you can do anything!!!!

    Ang75 xxxxxxx

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  4. Thank you so much for all of your supportive comments. I had a much better day today. Went to bed at 9pm last night. I've noticed without the wine as fuel I haven't wanted to stay up late. I can actually hear my body telling me it's tired. Who knew?!
    I found this blog late last year and whilst I continued to drink it really made me think and I cut down substantially. Thanks once again everyone! Xxx

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    1. (A/k/a - NW)

      Yes, tired unto utter exhaustion was the rule for me. Followed by several weeks of hypoglycemia bouts. Give in to self care, indulgence and general be-good-to-yourself as much as you can in this hectic season.

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  5. I agree, I hate the mummy wine jokes. I know most of the people who post this stuff on Facebook are probably sipping a cup of tea, and in real life probably don't drink that much. Those jokes can give a green light signal to people like me that it's ok.

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  6. I’ve just discovered your book - going to buy it today. I was also a party girl, only alcohol never what I would call drugs (��) I gave up when I had my son as I didn’t want to appear to be an irresponsible lush if I ever needed to take him to hospital in an emergency and always wanted to be able to drive.

    In the years since he’s been born, I discovered that my mum who was a social drinker was actually an alcoholic and it killed her. That was enough for me to know I made the right decision, she was a fully functioning alcoholic working full time until her death. No one knew she was a little more than ‘social’
    Your writing makes a lot of sense, and is a fun read. Thank you and well done. X

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  7. just started being had no alcohol for 4 days determined to do it but already missing it

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  8. There are several meeting rooms, conference rooms and boardrooms all around that can be booked online. You can spot a conference room, a meeting space San Francisco and a boardroom even in the smaller cities.

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