Saturday, 11 November 2017

Surrounded by Champagne


I'm surrounded by champagne.

Not only is the festive season starting to gear up, but my local Waitrose supermarket, which has been closed for a couple of weeks for a re-furb, has just re-opened featuring not only a sushi bar, but a sparkly new champagne bar!

WTF?!? (As my kids would say).

Since I discovered this, I've been amusing myself by imagining the meetings they must have had back in head office.

SCENE 1: WEEKLY STATUS MEETING

BOSS (a misogynist): Chaps, last week I asked you all to go away and come up with ideas for how to get ladies to spend EVEN MORE money in our already vastly overpriced stores.

What have you come up with? What do women around here spend their husband's money on?

MINION 1: Errr - wine. Lots of it.

BOSS: We already sell wine. Idiot.

MINION 2: Yes, but they buy our wine then dash home as quickly as possible to drink it.

Why don't we open a champagne bar in-store? Then they never need to leave! Throw in a sushi bar and there's everything a middle-class, middle-aged mum needs to survive, all under one roof.

They don't even have to move when they want to socialise with friends - they can just message them to pop on over to Waitrose and get the party started here!

BOSS: I LOVE IT! I'M A GENIUS!

Help me build on this. After all, there's no 'I" in team, right boys?

What happens AFTER they've had lunch at our sushi bar, done their weekly shop, invited all their lady friends round for a party at our champagne bar and got drunk?

I'll tell you what! They have to stagger back through our store and - inhibitions loosened, and too squiffy to read our over-inflated price tags - they'll spend all their remaining money on our products!

Let's run my idea up the flagpole and salute it!

We're going to be EVEN RICHER! Crack open the champagne - we're celebrating!

THE END.

(This meeting may sound farcical, but in my twenty years in advertising I spend hundreds of hours in meetings JUST LIKE IT).

Yet more evidence that the world has gone mad.

In other news: if any of you are fans (like me) of audio books, then you might like to know that there is going to be an audio version of my book (The Sober Diaries).

My publishers sent me a recording of a professional actress reading the first chapter of my book. It's very odd listening to someone else being me. She sounds just like I wish I did, but (sadly) don't.

If you'd like to be the very first person to pre-order a copy of the audiobook, then click here to go to my Amazon page.

Also, exciting news if you're in Germany (totally irrelevant if not): a German publisher is keen to publish a german version of The Sober Diaries next year. Hurrah! Or should I say Hurra!?

(It turns out that 'Hurrah' is one of the few words that is shorter in german than it is in english).

And, finally, there's lots more on the SoberMummy Facebook page. Click here to visit, 'like' to stay updated.

Love to you all,

SM x




14 comments:

  1. Herzlichen Gl├╝ckwunsch! ( had to use Google for that! ). You'll be an international celeb before you know it. It's a pity they couldn't get Pam Ayres to read the book ... or maybe Jennifer Saunders ;)

    My Kindle is waiting patiently. Actually Christmas is a good time for this book, what with all the temptations etc.

    Love

    Rob

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    1. Gluckwunsch! That word is just EDIBLE! Big hugs to you lovely Rob xxx

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  2. As Cole Porter wrote ' I get no kicks from Champagne, Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all ....'
    I can imagine the mere minute taker at said meeting humming this ....

    Glad to hear your message and support will be going global :-)

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    1. Love Cole Porter! And the next line on from your quote: ‘it’s my idea of nothing to do’!!!

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  3. Hello Claire :-) here is blondehippie your friend from the other page - I´m from Germany but I´ll read your book in English :-)

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    1. Great to see you over here, Blonde Hippie! Hugs in English and German ❤️

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  4. Our local supermarket has a wine bar too. I can't believe people don't have a problem with having a drink, while doing their grocery shopping! Bizarre, and just another hurdle for people who are not drinking or trying to cut down to get over.

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    1. For ages after I quit I had all my supermarket shopping delivered so I didn’t have to do the booze aisle!

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    2. In Scotland our Government have just onewon a court battle with the alcohol industry to raise the minimum price of a unit of alcohol. Dont think it is whats needed bit shows that attitudes are changing!

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  5. My weekly shop is so much cheaper with no booze! Can’t think of anything worse than a champagne bar in a grocery shop, the two just don’t go together in my mind!!!!????? Definitely a lethal combination, I’ve got visions of the old me in the back of a taxi, sozzled, with all my shopping bags and nothing to make a meal with after spending a fortune!!!!! Xx

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    1. Not only cheaper, but I get to zap my own without being age checked!! I love it :-)

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  6. How are all of these drunk women getting home after their Waitrose party? I can't wait for your book. x

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