Sunday 9 July 2017

False Memory

Our memories are much less accurate than we believe them to be.

Rather than a frame-by-frame photographic reflection of our past they are riddled with holes, like a swiss cheese. Whole chapters are re-written as we, unwittingly, cast different lights on what actually took place.

Two recent events have bought this home to me. The first was, last weekend, a thirty year reunion of my old boarding school friends. THIRTY YEARS! Where did all that time go?

Now, I lived with these women for seven years, through all those turbulent teenage days, and yet there were a few of them who I swear I had never, ever, seen before.

Even when I heard their names and looked up photos of how they looked back then.... nada. They'd been swallowed up by one of those many memory black holes.

But even much more recent memories are playing tricks on me.

I've been editing the book I've written about my first twelve months sober - the year when I also found and, hopefully, dispatched with breast cancer.

Reading back over that year is like reading a novel written about a character who has nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Whilst I know I had cancer - I have the scars to prove it, and I have to take tablets every day for the next decade at least - the detail of it all is a blur. It feels like it happened to a different person in a different age.

Even more so, the drinking days. When I look back on those I can remember drinking more than I should have, but the implications of that, the details of how it affected my life, my moods, my family... all burred.

There's good reason for this. Our subconscious minds have a built in protection mechanism. It's not good for us to remember all the bad stuff vividly, for there lies post traumatic stress syndrome, depression and anxiety. So they, helpfully, allow us to forget the detail.

Who would give birth more than once if this were not the case?

It's only because of this blog that I am able to remind myself, in all it's gory detail, what that time was really like. And reading back over it, then writing about it, is painful. I had to do it in small chunks. It made me cry, quite a lot.

But the reason for telling you all of this, if you're still reading, is that writing it all down at the time is really important. Because that's what stops us doing it all over again.

I can honestly tell you that if I did not have this record of those dark days I would be drinking again now. Because when I search through my memories I see only the good drinks. The rose on a hot day. the champagne at weddings. The single glass of fine red with a meal in a restaurant.

I don't see the bottle of wine drunk every evening by myself.

I imagine that if you don't quit drinking until you hit a spectacular rock bottom, then it is less easy to forget. You have drink driving offences, broken relationships and a lost life to remind you.

But, if you - wisely - quit before that point, you only have your unreliable memories to rely on. The memory bank that it all easy to rob of its treasures.

So please, write it all down. Before you forget. Start a blog. A diary. Tell someone.

If you'd like to read my story from the start, then click here (or wait for the book!)

Love SM x

6 comments:

  1. This is so true. I am convinced that the blogging thing is helping me stay on the path. So many years of trying to stop then 3 months, 6 months, 9 months in I would forget all about the dreadfulness of drinking and remember it with rose-tinted glasses. I wrote so much down this time, there is no way I can bullshit myself about it again. xxx

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  2. I've kept a journal since my early twenties. My daughter was looking for old photos and found a little notebook of mine from December 1994. The first entry, dated 12-26-94 read:

    I've decided to start a new journal. Eleven years ago, I began by writing that I was in love (long, sad commentary on my first husband). Now, I'm alone and a drunk. I drink almost every day (beer). Why? Because I don't like being alone and nor do I like being in a sober frame of mind. When I drink, I feel isolated from (?) boredom, and pain. I hope to pass this phrase, but when, I do not know. A new year is coming, I hope for the best!

    I didn't remember this at all! I cringed when I read this; I had forgotten all about this little notebook. It goes on for a few more weeks about my despair and drinking, etc. Then I met my 2nd husband in late January of '95, and my whole world changed. I stopped writing about the drinking. However, I still drank way too much, but now that I was in love, it wasn't my main focus. The journal entries ended May of '95.

    Reading your post now and recently finding this old notebook of mine, reinforces why I can't give up staying sober. More than 23 years ago, I knew I had a big problem. If only...well, you know.

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  3. Morning all,

    I'm coming up to 8 months sober and I actually find myself thinking "this time last year" a lot! Because it's my first year sober and I am doing a lot of things sober for the first time, i.e. Christmas, birthdays, holidays and it just makes me feel so good to do all these things without the booze and the hangovers which I think I will never forget!!

    I so wish I had started blogging from day 1, because it feels like I've been on such a journey. Your blog SM is the first I've ever read and to be honest the only one I've clicked with on my sober journey. I was actually thinking of starting a blog somthing along the lines of "mummy found her mojo!" Because I feel like I'm gradually getting back to being the real me, and the deep down happy me, and I haven't felt like that in a long long time!! It's all a bit daunting setting up a blog though, so I need to look into it? Or maybe just a seperate instagram page? Not sure yet, any advice or words of wisdom from you bloggers would be appreciated!!

    Hope everyone is feeling fab and have a good week xxxx as always thanks SM, big hugs xxxxx

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  4. "I can honestly tell you that if I did not have this record of those dark days I would be drinking again now. Because when I search through my memories I see only the good drinks. The rose on a hot day. the champagne at weddings. The single glass of fine red with a meal in a restaurant.

    I don't see the bottle of wine drunk every evening by myself."

    So true.

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  5. So true SM. I have a list of awful drinking moments written down - good reminder of how never to go back there.

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