Friday, 3 February 2017

Beyond my Control

I am really, really bad at dealing with things that are beyond my control.

This is, apparently, a common trait amongst addicts.

I was reading an interview with Cat Marnell who has just published a memoir titled How to Murder Your Life about being a Conde Nast beauty editor while addicted to booze and a wide range of drugs.

Cat says drug addiction is all about control. Addicts are control freaks. They use drugs to control how they feel.

And she's right. We find it very hard to think I'll just wait and see what life throws at me and then deal with it.

That's why I've found the last couple of weeks really hard. #2 (aged ten) has been doing entrance exams and interviews for secondary schools and, irritatingly, I can't do them for him.

I've found this whole process a lot harder than he has. In fact, before his last interview, when I was pacing up and down in the waiting room, he said "don't worry, Mummy. It's all going to be okay."

That's my job! I'm supposed to be the one doing the reassuring, not the one panicking.

Fortunately, the day before the interview, I'd been chatting to one of the other Mums on the rugby touchline (as you do).

Her son had just had an interview at the same school and she told me that he'd been shown a few well known paintings and asked about them. "Luckily," she said, a little smugly, "he recognised them all."

That evening I sat #2 down and showed him some work by famous artists. Needless to say, he didn't seem aware of any of them.

(If I'd shown him one of a thousand Pokémon he'd have been able to name them and discuss their strengths and weaknesses at length).

Anyhow, #2 came bouncing out of the interview.

"Guess what, Mummy?" he said. "They showed me some of those pictures we talked about."

"Yay!" I replied. "What did they ask?"

"They asked if I'd seen them before. I said yes. They asked where I'd seen them, so I told them that you showed them to me last night."

Oh bollocks.

There are times when you really need a drink.

So now I have a stressful wait for the results. Mr SM is not being entirely sympathetic. When I tried to share my angst he smirked and said "God grant us the serenity to accept the things we can't change...."

I threw my book at him.

Huge thanks to Ang75 and 007Mum for your incredibly generous contributions to my Justgiving page for The Haven Breast Cancer Support (click here). I really appreciate it, and so will they!

Love to you all,

SM x

P.S. Anyone know which of my all time favourite films inspired the title of this post?


  1. Huge apologies to Soberat53, I just deleted your comment by accident! Dratted big fingers on little iPhone keyboard! Sorry!

    1. No worries! Out of my control! *wink*

  2. I love this post about control. Being a massive control freak myself, not being able to control my mood is a struggle. You have hit a nerve for me and many thanks for sharing this!
    M xx

  3. Another interesting post SM - I think I actually drank to be able to stop controlling things for a short while, almost like switching my brain off for a little bit to escape the constant thinking - but who wants to be brainless?! I've been thinking about tackling my next big addiction, but I fear this one will be even harder to overcome - sugar!! I'm reading around the health dangers and am beginning to accept it's something I need to tackle as I'm feeling out of control with it (it controls me, not a feeling I like) but I need to really psyche myself up for this one!!
    I'm out at a friend's big birthday bash tonight and shock horror I'll be driving, drats that the Dry January excuse has just expired. I'm dreading the initial arrival and explanation bit, but then know the rest of the evening will be infinitely more enjoyable without the removal of my brain!

    1. Hope you survived the party Minnie! Sending big hugs xxx

  4. now would the film be Les Liaisons dangereuses ?

    1. Yes! With the awesome John Malkovich xxx

  5. Your welcome!!! Amazing what's you've raised for such a good cause, well done :-) xx

  6. Did you read her book yet? It's on my list- let us know if you like it!

    1. Not yet, only excerpts from it. It's on my list too!