Sunday, 7 June 2015

Feeling Down. Fighting the Witch.

I'm posting this on Sunday evening instead of Monday morning, so apologies to those of you who subscribe by e-mail if you get two posts together.

I've got a busy day tomorrow, so won't have much time to write. Plus, I've got so used to using this blog as therapy that my first instinct when I'm feeling down is to write.

So, today the husband, kids, dog and I went to meet two other families for a picnic in a nearby garden square. Lovely sunny day, old friends, gorgeous gardens - what's not to like?

As we all gathered round the picnic tables the two other wives confessed to feeling ropey due to overdoing it at a party last night. Oh joy - my favourite conversation - other people's hangovers!

I was just feeling that warm glow of self satisfied smugness, when I realised that the party they were all at was hosted by mutual friends of ours (a couple who are always on our party list) and we hadn't been invited.

"Don't worry," said friend #1 reassuringly, "it wasn't a very big party. Not like their huge annual Christmas bash."

I should have remained silent at that point, but I confessed that we've never been invited to their 'huge annual Christmas bash' either.

Embarrassed silence. Shuffling of feet and changing of subject.

Now, had I been drinking, I would have just poured a large glass of wine at this point and forgotten about it. It might have bothered me again at about 3am when I'd get my usual dose of alcohol induced insomnia, but I'd be feeling too muggy headed and angsty about all sorts of stuff to think about it at all clearly.

As it was, sober, I sat there feeling embarrassed, sad, paranoid and cross.

I've had many moments over the last 98 days when I've felt like a teenager in a good way. Energetic. Enthusiastic. Optimistic. But today I had a terrible dose of teenage angst. All that 'does everyone hate me?' sort of stuff that I thought I'd left behind years ago.

It struck me that maybe all my social confidence has been totally false. I'd always rather prided myself in not caring too much about what other people think of me, but maybe all I'd done is to drown out all those feelings of inadequacy rather than deal with them.

I've read many people say that when we start drinking too much we stop maturing. We get emotionally stuck in an era pre alcohol. And there I was, a stupid, immature little girl feeling all self conscious and unloved.

And then it's so easy to think "oh bugger it. Everything's f****d up anyway, I may as well just crack open a bottle of wine and forget about it all."

But I won't. I'll just make a hot chocolate and go to bed early. After all, in the words of the indomitable Scarlett O'Hara, "tomorrow is another day." And it's day 99.

Love SM x

23 comments:

  1. 99 days!!
    Way to go, girl!!
    I too had a few moments of "I wish I was invited" to the party lately.
    I even found myself feeling envy over someone's new kitchen.
    Yikes!
    I am learning more each day to be a healthy adult, knowing that even healthy adults feel left out once in awhile.
    xo
    Wendy

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    1. I've done kitchen envy too! Ghastly isn't it? X

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  2. Sorry you had a rough day. I guess we are not used to dealing with the odd setback sober. It makes you wonder how much emotional damage we have done over the years by drowning these emotions with the bottle instead of dealing with them and resolving them as we should.
    Sleep well. It will soon be tomorrow. x

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    1. You're right T. It's tomorrow, and all looking rosier. Thanks x

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  3. Hello SM. I'm often looking at others thinking I'm missing out, that everyone's having a ball and feeling bit miffed. I was very envious about a big walk and pub lunch some school mums went on a few months ago which I wasn't asked to join but I couldn't have gone on anyway as was working! How perverse is that?

    Today was an annual get together of neighbours. In years gone by one of my highlights when I would, surprisingly, I know you'll be shocked , drink too much and make a complete arse of myself and dread seeing anyone for weeks.
    Today I chose not to go, just not for me any more and I still think they're all looking at me to see if I'm pissed - can't say I blame them. But I guess I'd have felt miffed if not asked. Human nature I think.
    Enjoy the hot chocolate and here's to the 99. Xx

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    1. Hope you had a good night in Moosey, and have felt smug today! X

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  4. Well done. You did the right thing. And those feelings of inadequacy? They will resurface again, and again you will have hot chocolate and an early night. The Wine Witch is on the ropes. xx

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  5. Thanks for replying yesterday SM - was really great to hear back from you! Sorry to hear about your day too. Although it's hard, doesn't it make you think what it's like for our children if they're not invited to something? How about you organise a little get-together with some friends? It will cheer you up x

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    1. Good idea tfc. Hope all good with you x

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  6. You can come to any of my small bashes and then you can definitely come to my big Christmas bash. I'm making mocktails. Just let me know your favourite and I'll assemble a big jug. Just for you. Ups and downs of life darling, sucks sometimes doesn't it? xxxxMtts.

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    1. Thanks mtts! Perhaps we should organise a virtual party! X

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  7. People can be weird (I'm not talking about us lot obvs). It took my hubby and I years to get over our best friends not inviting us to an event one year. We had declined the previous yr on financial grounds. So they thought it was ok not to even tell us about it the following year. That slipped out rather awkwardly when we were all together one weekend. We're over it now. But it did take 8 yrs! Don't dwell on it. We love you just the way you are. x

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  8. Hi SM,
    Sorry you had a bad day. It's awful when you feel left out..Good on you for not drinking though! These people are not worth losing your sobriety over!
    Congrats on day 99. That is so awesome!!
    A x

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    1. Thanks A! You're doing great too x

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  9. I have been having quite similar thoughts but was thinking I am being left out as I am now seen as sober and boring, hubby has never drunk much so as a couple we probably seem quite dull! Do you know what? So what! Don't get upset, if people don't invite you or I it is their loss. I think there is def a need to broaden friendship groups as drinkers tend to cluster with other boozers. In defence of your friend often I don't want to invite a big group around just a small one and then people may get left out but nit for any particular reason. Well done on your 99 days x

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  10. Yeah that would hurt me too but remember 2 things... Firstly, at least they didn't not invite you because you were sober as you were presumably still drinking at Christmas so that means they're just rude. And secondly you're trying hard to change something you don't like about yourself whereas they'll always be rude. Obviously half joking but you have this whole other life going on and a whole group of new 'friends' and are part of a huge life changing journey that is new and exciting and you are inspiring so many people to change. Life is short and we only get one go at it so I hope you can put it behind you and focus on what really matters. And you didn't turn to the wine! Have a great day xxx

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  11. Sending big hugs your way SM. Sometimes people can take all of our energy without realising, leaving us feeling weak. Sometimes we gain energy by leaving others feeling weak. Human nature can be cruel at times. Please don't doubt yourself as you are a strong lady who has made it to 99 days sober! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!! Xx

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    1. Oh no, don't want to start smoking again ;-)!!

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